Poll: Would you say something? Youth sports related

[shortstax]

Something occured at DD's basketball game today that has really stuck with me.  I did nothing at the time, but looking back I wonder if I should have spoken up.  WWYD in a this situation?

Scene:  It's a league of 7-8 year old girls, most of which have never played before. Rec league where everyone rotates playing time, there's no steals allowed, they don't call traveling, etc.   It's seriously the lowest stakes league possible.

There was a girl on the other team, let's call her Kate.  Kate's dad yelled at her nonstop from the bleachers.  It was like this "Kate--RUN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"  "KATE--HANDS UP"  "KATE--SHOOT. COME ON!"   This was seriously every 30 seconds whether she was on offense or defense.   All of us parents were rolling our eyes, and a grandparent beside me told me she was going to tell him to shove it.

Then, in the 4th quarter, while her team was up by 12 so they clearly were going to win he was all "KATE--TO THE HOOP", "KATE--YOURE BETTER THAN THIS--GO!"   Just yelling nonstop.   With about a minute left Kate turned the ball over, her dad yelled, and she literally bolted off the court to her bench in tears. Then, when the game was over, her coach was trying to console her and the dad was all "KATE--STOP CRYING AND GO SHAKE HANDS."     

So--let's say you were sitting on the bleachers 5 feet from this guy.  Would you have said anything?


Before the season, the commissioner sent out an email that agressive yelling, disrepect of the refs, etc. would not be tolerated. At the time I was all, "who the hell would do that in this league?" Clearly that dude knew it was necessary.

Everyone saw what happened and it totally sucked all the energy and joy out of the room. I'm thinking about emailing the commissioner in a "just an FYI, this happened today so if you get complaints again, you should know it's a pattern" kind of way.  DH is all "nope, stay out of it.."

I totally just want to give Kate a hug.

***************
1/25. Edit with update in posts below…

[Jalapeñomel]

This sounds like every parent at games around here, so no, I would say anything.

[ilikedonuts]

I’d say nothing. If the refs or people in charge were concerned, they would have said nothing.

There will always be parents like that in sports.

[momin2013]

I’d say nothing to the parent because, sadly, I doubt it would do any good. I would hope that the coach would deal with it, but if they did nothing to address it I would have no problem emailing the commissioner.

[brooklyn]

Poor Kate.

I’d hope the coach would say something, but I’m also concerned for her home life. If he’s treating her like that in public, imagine how worse it could be in private. 😫

[tacokick]

I would at least mention to the coach. Maybe they mentioned something to him privately already. You have the email on your side, clearly it has been a concern before and something they are aware of in general.

People act like this because they know they can because nothing will happen and no one will say anything to them. Why do they get to set the tone for whole group? It’s awful for the rest of the kids and poor Kate. Let her get a break too and see how people can help and stand up for her.

[pinkly]

This is so frustrating. That poor child. My girls play soccer and have since they were 5/6 or so. A number of years ago, maybe age 8, there was a game where a dad from the other team was screaming at his daughter in a similar fashion. Literally made her cry right there on the soccer field. In front of everyone. It was terrible.

The ref kicked him out. Straight up made him leave the field. It was awesome. Or I thought so.

After the game, as we walked away, I saw the dad talking to one of the tournament organizers, complaining about the ref. When talking to other parents about it, most of them thought the ref was out of line. Felt like I was in the damn twilight zone. I’ll never forget it.

[VillainV]

I probably wouldn’t say anything at the time because unfortunately men like that can get very aggressive towards women. My husband, on the other hand (a big guy with a booming voice, and a teacher who is not afraid to stand up for kids) ABSOLUTELY would have no problem telling him loudly to knock it off and let the kids play.

Otherwise, I’m not sure if it would be helpful to say something to the coach or email the commissioner of the league. Id be worried that it would result in retribution against the kiddo.

[jennistarr1]

God it's just not in to scream anything during my kids game, I force myself to occasionally do "good job kiddo"

In this case, in would start cheering for Kate

[waverly]

I wouldn’t say anything to the dad. The ref league manager or the coach can say something to him. Probably if you email them they would keep it confidential but likely the coach already noticed since he is so loud.

[minniemouse]

No, because everyone heard him. I figure the ref, coach, etc would take care of it.

[lilac05]

It’s always so disappointing when this stuff happens in the leagues that are supposed to be super fun rec leagues. (Not that I approve of it in any league…but in club sports, I just unfortunately have come to accept it.)

I wouldn’t say anything to the dad. I might email the commissioner. If it was a parent from our team. I’d mention it to the coach, hoping for a follow-up email to all parents about expectations for spectators. Doubtful it would change anything, but…maybe!

[konapoppy]

I would email the commissioner. I was on a soccer team where a dad was like this. It was awful. Then to your point, it soured my dad on the games too because he hated listening to it. It really has a terrible ripple effect.

[lindyanne]

We had a parent who was also a coach who yelled at the referees who were high school kids in fourth grade basketball. The grade level supervisor and other coaches had to come red our games because the kids all said they wouldn’t ref his games anymore. I would let the commissioner know so he can attend a game and address the issue.

[jorja]

Pretty much this exact thing happened at my daughter’s very first soccer game (and our very first experience with youth sports).

Dad had this little girl on the sidelines yelling at her to the point that she was in tears. The coach came over and removed the child from dad’s presence, but it continued from the sidelines, and throughout the season (they were on our team).

I didn’t say anything. The coach was clearly aware and intervened appropriately. I don’t know what else could have been done. Super upsetting for me and my daughter, though.

[ECB]

Yes, i would say something to the commissioner. Chances of this guy changing? Slim. I know that. BUT there really is NO chance of change or realization if nothing is ever said.

We have a dad on my sons lacrosse team who is horrible. The parents all try to stay at the other side of the stands from him. My son (goalie) has even yelled “shut up” at him (although i don’t think he realized it!). The coaches have talked to him, the refs have yelled at him and almost ejected him.

He actually has improved SLIGHTLY. Slightly. It’s not enough, but he is a bit more aware. But his son is a good kid and a good player. We don’t want to punish the son for the actions of the dad.

[maudefindlay]

Guarantee with what you described that coaches and refs are aware. I wish when leagues have rules against this that they would enforce it. Like ECB said above coaches/refs have talked to the Dad and he is slightly better, that isn't good enough and so hey, you can't attend games Dude. You can drop off and pick up and work on your anger. You can try to attend next season.

There was a Dad whose kid played rec soccer and bball when my kids were younger and I cannot hear the name Beckett to this day without hearing it yelled and screamed like that Dad did every game. And yes, several kids here have that name.

[al dente]

I would def email the commissioner. I wouldn't have said anything to the guy in the moment because unfortunately men like that are not going to suddenly realize the error in their ways and change if called out by a women in front of a group.

This stuff makes me so sad. My 4yr old was on a 3/4 soccer team that was super low stakes, no score was kept or anything, and there was one parent on her team that was always so mean to their little 3 or 4 year old. I always just wanted to give the poor kid a hug at the end of the practice.

[bronxgirl]

My heart breaks for Kate.

[bee20]

Yes, talk to the commissioner, they should be working with the league staff to prevent this.

One of my high school jobs was as a sports referee. We were instructed to call a time out if a parent was doing this and remind the coach of the rules for their team's fans.  If it didn't stop we'd talk to the coach at the next quarter break and have them help us get the parent out of the gym. If that wasn't happening the league should know, they should send a staffer to the next game day to deal with it, generally it meant the parent was banned from the gym for the rest of the season.

[whattheheck]

This is what - unfair as it may be - would get the child benched. If the kid isn’t playing then theoretically the adult isn’t yelling. It usually only took one game of that to cure the parent but my heart always broke for the kid. Was it better to be playing and having the parent yelling like that or was it better the kid was not playing and possibly feeling equally as on display? I don’t know.

[shortstax]

Thanks for all of the perspectives and I’m sad to hear that this isn’t rare.

As an update, I decided not to do anything. I chatted with an acquaintance whose daughter was on Kate’s team today (didn’t seek her out, we were both at the Y) and she brought up how awful that game was and how Kates dad is always like that. In fact,, he was sitting on our team’s side because other parents asked him not to sit with them.

So yeah, if it’s that well known, there’s nothing I’m going to do. But I still feel for all of the Kate’s in the world.

[erbear]

I might have given him a “dude…let her be” during the game. I have no patience for that.

[erbear]

Jan 15, 2023 18:42:26 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

This is what - unfair as it may be - would get the child benched. If the kid isn’t playing then theoretically the adult isn’t yelling. It usually only took one game of that to cure the parent but my heart always broke for the kid. Was it better to be playing and having the parent yelling like that or was it better the kid was not playing and possibly feeling equally as on display? I don’t know.

You benched a kid because their parent was an ass? Yikes. I’d hope the coach would deal with the issue (the parent) instead of taking it out on the kid. Maybe I’m misunderstanding

[AdaraMarie]

Jan 15, 2023 23:06:26 GMT -5 erbear said:

Jan 15, 2023 18:42:26 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

This is what - unfair as it may be - would get the child benched. If the kid isn’t playing then theoretically the adult isn’t yelling. It usually only took one game of that to cure the parent but my heart always broke for the kid. Was it better to be playing and having the parent yelling like that or was it better the kid was not playing and possibly feeling equally as on display? I don’t know.

You benched a kid because their parent was an ass? Yikes. I’d hope the coach would deal with the issue (the parent) instead of taking it out on the kid. Maybe I’m misunderstanding

This would happen in my kids rec soccer league. If a parent isn't acting right they get kicked out and the kid has to leave too. At least that is the rule. I've never seen them have to enforce it-I think the parents take it seriously.

[redheadk]

The parents may know but the director may not. I would say something; it's clearly far out of line with the generally accepted behavior for the league and age group. This is the kind of stuff that sways people to not sign up for another season if they are on the fence so the league should have an interest in stopping it if for no other reason than that.

[somersault72]

Do Kate and I have the same dad?? 😉 Mine wasn't quite that bad but he did used to irritate me during basketball games when I was younger. I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation to be honest. I feel for her though. How awful that her team won the game and her dad still made her cry (not that it is ok to do that even if they would've lost).

[whattheheck]

Jan 15, 2023 23:06:26 GMT -5 erbear said:

Jan 15, 2023 18:42:26 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

This is what - unfair as it may be - would get the child benched. If the kid isn’t playing then theoretically the adult isn’t yelling. It usually only took one game of that to cure the parent but my heart always broke for the kid. Was it better to be playing and having the parent yelling like that or was it better the kid was not playing and possibly feeling equally as on display? I don’t know.

You benched a kid because their parent was an ass? Yikes. I’d hope the coach would deal with the issue (the parent) instead of taking it out on the kid. Maybe I’m misunderstanding

Not me personally. The coach. The coach would say something to the parent like once or twice but beyond that yes, would sit the kid down. This practice was clearly set out in the code of conduct all adults and youth had to sign. I kind of get it - it’s not fair to all the other kids on both teams to have to either listen to that yelling or to lose playing time because the coach is disciplining a parent. And I don’t know that it’s fair to make the parents the coach’s responsibility. They are there to coach kids - not confront already combative adults.

[shauni27]

I would email and request that coaches remind parents to be calm and no sideline coaching.

[niq]

I would mention it to the coach. Surely this is a "not the first time, won't be the last" situation.

FWIW I think "You get one warning and then I'm going to bench your kid if you keep sideline coaching" is a reasonable response. Swift, certain, and fair!