Nut allergy and bday parties

[noodleoo]

DD2 has a tree nut allergy and has been invited to her first birthday party! I was all excited for her (she’s always jealous when her older sister goes to parties) but then I realized I’ve never dealt with this as an allergy mom. I’ll probably bring a safe cupcake for her, but should I also tell the host? I don’t want her to feel like she has to do anything special for DD2. The invite said they’ll have fruit, pizza and cake (fruit and pizza are probably fine for DD2). It’s at a kid party place so I’m guessing they are used to allergies too. Any advice appreciated!

[momin2013]

I would let the host parent know. Would a typical boxed mix or bakery cake be ok for your DD? If a guest’s parent contacted me to tell me about a tree nut allergy I’d let them know what I was planning to serve so they could decide whether it’d be safe for their child.

[nicolewi]

I would tell the host for sure. It's good to know, just in case some weird thing comes up like another kid brings something or the place has candy out in a bowl or who knows what. You could check the exact foods with her and let her know you can send an alternate dessert or whatever so that she's not worried about how to handle the allergy.

Just today we had DD3's friend bday party (turning 8) and one girl has a (mild) dairy allergy--only to "fresh" dairy, not cooked into things. The mom sent a separate mini pizza for her daughter that they use for parties, b/c so many parties just serve pizza. She said she could have the cupcake but also sent Oreos just in case, and she also sent Zyrtec...let me know that if she got hives or anything to give Zyrtec, but they have never had to use an Epi-Pen.

[joy]

Please tell the host! I am always a little worried that I’ll accidentally serve a kid something they shouldn’t have. I assume no heads up means there’s nothing to know and either the kid can advocate for themselves or there is no concern about anything.

We had a six year old here overnight and I asked what kind of muffin she liked. She said cinnamon. I could only find apple cinnamon so I gave her that but don't think I didn’t ask myself “what if she has an apple allergy? Is that a thing? My mom has it but it’s only raw apples. The parents have never mentioned allergies…”

Maybe I’m a hot mess worrier, too. I can admit it!

[VillainV]

I think it’s fine to tell the host that she has a nut allergy and that you plan to send her with a cupcake she can eat. As a host I would find that much easier than trying to figure out if the cake I ordered is nut-free (made in a kitchen with nuts? Some kind of nut extract in the flavoring that would be dangerous?). If the host says something like “Oh yeah, my kiddo is also allergic, we use this great nut-free bakery…” then you’ll know it’s safe.

My kid’s best friend has a peanut and tree-nut allergy, and at 9 he’s pretty good about knowing what he can eat, but I always try to be vigilant. If I didn’t hear anything from a parent, I would assume no allergies.

[litasail]

My son has an egg allergy. We usually bring his own dessert, and also let the host know so that we can bring alternate other food for him if needed, too.

[AdaraMarie]

I generally bring a treat I know my kid can eat and check labels and talk to the host when I get there. I have only dropped dd off at a party once due to everything the last few years and I had her carry her own epi pen. I told the host that she had it and checked to see if they knew how to use it.
Pre covid she was little and I always stayed at the parties and always brought a cupcake, rice crispie treat, or oreos for her.

[lilac05]

Definitely let the host know! You’re not expecting anyone to go out of their way, you just want to keep your child safe and healthy.

As a host, I’m always more than happy to do what I can to accommodate guests’ allergies as much as I possibly can. I’ve ordered cakes from different bakeries and changed what I had in mind for food. None of it has ever been expected and I never feel obligated, but it’s just something I like to do when I can. It’s not always possible, but we’ve almost always been able to work together to make it work where the child with allergies can have everything that the other kids can have.

That said, most hosts probably won’t do that, and that’s absolutely perfectly fine! But I think all hosts would appreciate a heads up.

[ECB]

Ds has celiac and can’t eat all the normal party trappings. I always tell the host and say that i wanted to know what they were serving so that i could send DS with similar alternatives.

[mpm]

If a kid just showed up to a party I’m hosting with their own food I’d honestly feel terrible for not knowing about allergies so please reach out to the parent. As a host, I wouldn’t serve anything at a party that a kid with known allergies couldn’t eat. And as a parent, I’d want to use it as a teaching moment about accommodating the health needs of our friends and that it’s rude to serve any food at a party that a friend can’t eat - or worse that could be dangerous to a friend.

[pittpurple]

I would definitely tell the parent - it might be possible to just accommodate this without going out of their way.
My kids each have a friend with a dairy allergy so for parties I would either have something ready for them or have enough so that I can cover everyone. And if it's a contact type allergy I'd let the other parents know too so they don't show up with a snack, etc.

(I have a serious allergy to shellfish and tell everyone all the time as I don't know what's happening in their kitchens so even things that look safe might not be with cross contamination, etc. I would never want to spring this on anyone last minute!)

[penguingrrl]

I hosted a party once and at drop off one of the moms slipped me a bag of m&ms for her daughter and explained she has an egg allergy, so she sent an alternative dessert for cake time. As a host I liked that approach a lot. It let me know, but didn’t put me in the position where I felt I had to proactively provide an allergy-safe alternative.

[Poppy]

My kid has a peanut allergy, and for a drop off party, I do usually let the host know and tell them I'm sending a safe treat. If I'm attending, I don't always bother letting the host know in advance.

[starburst604]

Yes definitely let the parent know. I always have with DD and the parents have been glad to know. Most parents are pretty accustomed to food allergies these days.

[felicity]

I always let the host know we will be bringing a cupcake. Sometimes I ask what else they are serving or where they are ordering the pizza from so I can check ingredients and send something for him if needed. I never expect or even want them to try and research foods or accommodate his allergies because I don’t really trust most people to get it right, and DS is picky so there’s a good chance he won’t eat the food anyway. We did have a close friend get cupcakes from an allergy friendly bakery once for her son’s party, and that was really nice, but it was almost too generous and I felt guilty about it because they were $$$.

[macmars45]

100% let the host know beforehand. Send whatever food/dessert items are necessary for your DD.

[noodleoo]

Thx all! I texted the mom to let her know and she seemed to appreciate the heads up. DD2 is 4 and it’s her first party, so I’ll be staying anyway. But I feel better knowing she knows. Thx for the advice!

[boiler717]

I always tell the host and ask about the brand of pizza. Many times the host will ask for a recommendation of a safe option for my kid but I also keep cupcakes in the freezer to bring to parties for him.

[magpie]

It's good to have friends parents aware, so I usually tell the host, but tell them not to make anything special or worry about it and offer to send DD with an allergy-free treat. I usually send an individually wrapped rice krispie treat in these situations because DD rarely needs the special treat (she's allergic to peanuts, but only food with actual peanuts/peanut products, not manufactured near peanuts/etc) and it almost always goes unused. Her teachers have also asked me to send a box at the start of the year so they always have a safe treat on hand in cases of birthday celebrations and whatnot.

[jg183]

If I am staying (sounds like you are) I usually say I'll bring his cupcake but if you could just save all the bags/packages that would be great so I can check ingredients when I get there. Most people prefer I check them and take the responsibility off them

[Blue Moon]

I would tell the host just as a heads up, but provide my own allergy-safe treat for my kid.

[kitty]

I always would tell the host and starting around your DD’s age, I would involve my DD in the conversation. As she got older, it became her job to tell the host about her allergy and inquire about ingredients. I’d go approach the host with her at first and then I faded that support slowly as well. I needed to make sure she would advocate for herself and be safe once parties became drop off (around 2nd grade here but I had a couple ppl drop off their K kids at DS2’s bday this fall!) and I wasn’t there to monitor the situation the entire time.

[VillainV]

Jan 17, 2023 9:18:36 GMT -5 kitty said:

I always would tell the host and starting around your DD’s age, I would involve my DD in the conversation. As she got older, it became her job to tell the host about her allergy and inquire about ingredients. I’d go approach the host with her at first and then I faded that support slowly as well. I needed to make sure she would advocate for herself and be safe once parties became drop off (around 2nd grade here but I had a couple ppl drop off their K kids at DS2’s bday this fall!) and I wasn’t there to monitor the situation the entire time.

C’s friend with a peanut allergy is 9 and in 3rd, and he’s GREAT about advocating for himself when his parents aren’t around. He asks about ingredients, has checked food labels a few times, and has turned down food when he wasn’t sure.

[noodleoo]

Jan 17, 2023 9:18:36 GMT -5 kitty said:

I always would tell the host and starting around your DD’s age, I would involve my DD in the conversation. As she got older, it became her job to tell the host about her allergy and inquire about ingredients. I’d go approach the host with her at first and then I faded that support slowly as well. I needed to make sure she would advocate for herself and be safe once parties became drop off (around 2nd grade here but I had a couple ppl drop off their K kids at DS2’s bday this fall!) and I wasn’t there to monitor the situation the entire time.

This is very smart!  She's good about asking us if something is safe for her, but as a Covid kid she hasn't had many play dates or bday parties yet.  I'll make sure to model it for her.  She's still too shy around strangers to say anything herself, but good to at least have her aware of it.  Thx!

Ugh, it's been so much easier with her locked down since we found out about her allergy in fall 2020. 

[bbdoll]

Jan 15, 2023 23:18:53 GMT -5 mpm said:

If a kid just showed up to a party I’m hosting with their own food I’d honestly feel terrible for not knowing about allergies so please reach out to the parent. As a host, I wouldn’t serve anything at a party that a kid with known allergies couldn’t eat. And as a parent, I’d want to use it as a teaching moment about accommodating the health needs of our friends and that it’s rude to serve any food at a party that a friend can’t eat - or worse that could be dangerous to a friend.

That's so sweet of you, but not always possible.  My son is allergic to artificial colors.  Very few grocery store cupcakes/cakes are dye free.  I do NOT expect any parent to go out of their way to make sure my son, as a guest, has something to eat.  My son knows to either not partake, or to scrape the frosting off first.  Now, if you are dealing with children too young to advocate for themselves, it might be different.  That's very kind of you to teach your children about taking other's needs into account.

[mpm]

Jan 19, 2023 11:16:13 GMT -5 bbdoll said:

Jan 15, 2023 23:18:53 GMT -5 mpm said:

If a kid just showed up to a party I’m hosting with their own food I’d honestly feel terrible for not knowing about allergies so please reach out to the parent. As a host, I wouldn’t serve anything at a party that a kid with known allergies couldn’t eat. And as a parent, I’d want to use it as a teaching moment about accommodating the health needs of our friends and that it’s rude to serve any food at a party that a friend can’t eat - or worse that could be dangerous to a friend.

That's so sweet of you, but not always possible.  My son is allergic to artificial colors.  Very few grocery store cupcakes/cakes are dye free.  I do NOT expect any parent to go out of their way to make sure my son, as a guest, has something to eat.  My son knows to either not partake, or to scrape the frosting off first.  Now, if you are dealing with children too young to advocate for themselves, it might be different.  That's very kind of you to teach your children about taking other's needs into account.

All I’m saying is don’t assume the host can’t or won’t accommodate. Maybe I have different standards for hosting, but I just feel like accommodating allergies is part of inviting people to a party. There are a lot of allergies in my extended family so we’re used to making menu changes or ordering from a local allergy-friendly bakery, but if we couldn’t come up with safe foods that everyone could eat, I’d switch to not serving food at all, and just do toy favors. 🤷‍♀️ I’d much rather do that than have to single out a kid or worse out them at risk. We’ve been in a pandemic for three years so it wouldn’t be the first kid party we hosted where no one ate!

[scm1011]

Jan 19, 2023 11:31:36 GMT -5 mpm said:

Jan 19, 2023 11:16:13 GMT -5 bbdoll said:

That's so sweet of you, but not always possible.  My son is allergic to artificial colors.  Very few grocery store cupcakes/cakes are dye free.  I do NOT expect any parent to go out of their way to make sure my son, as a guest, has something to eat.  My son knows to either not partake, or to scrape the frosting off first.  Now, if you are dealing with children too young to advocate for themselves, it might be different.  That's very kind of you to teach your children about taking other's needs into account.

All I’m saying is don’t assume the host can’t or won’t accommodate. Maybe I have different standards for hosting, but I just feel like accommodating allergies is part of inviting people to a party. There are a lot of allergies in my extended family so we’re used to making menu changes or ordering from a local allergy-friendly bakery, but if we couldn’t come up with safe foods that everyone could eat, I’d switch to not serving food at all, and just do toy favors. 🤷‍♀️ I’d much rather do that than have to single out a kid or worse out them at risk. We’ve been in a pandemic for three years so it wouldn’t be the first kid party we hosted where no one ate!

Agreed! We always put on bday party invites "Please let us know of any food allergies so we can accommodate". DS' BFF is allergic to so many things (eggs, sesame, poultry, nuts, legumes, more....) and we have been able to find pizza and cake that works for him with the help of his parents. I know they are so thankful that we are able to keep it inclusive. 

[Jalapeñomel]

Yes I agree with letting the host know! We always have a vegan/GF/nut free option at all of our parties, but I would be happy to accommodate a child with a different allergy as long as I knew.