Post by mustardseed2007 on Jan 26, 2023 18:17:30 GMT -5
Any advice - DD hates to loose or do poorly in contests. Haaaaaates it. She cannot play sports due to this, nor can she engage in any kind of competitive contest type activity whether it be a math game or games during PE. If there is a score, or winner or looser she cannot force herself to do it. She breaks down in tears.
Last semester her 2nd grade teacher pulled me to the side about it bc of her loosing it during a math game. Today her PE teacher pulled me aside.
I asked them for ideas but her regular teacher had none other than exposure and after explaining to her pe teacher that she has a fear of loosing or getting a poor score he said he’d take points out of games for the whole class. Has anyone dealt with this? She’s always been like this since she was 3 years old playing kiddie soccer. do I’m not sure what to do and now that she’s 8 I’m thinking she won’t grow out of it as it seems to be getting worse not better.
We ended up doing a LOT of game nights (and would have anyways), but the minute any bad behavior/gamesmanship came up, the offending child is excused to their room and we continue on without them. If you can't have good sportsmanship, you don't get to play, you get zero points, you ARE the loser - and if you're going to cry it's going to be in another room where it doesn't ruin everyone else's fun.
I have no idea if this helped or she outgrew it, but whatever the case, she's much better most of the time now. I don't know if I'd take my parenting advice though.
Post by sandandsea on Jan 26, 2023 18:55:44 GMT -5
I think normalizing losing and being put in more situations to have to deal with losing is part of the answer. There is always only 1 winner which means there are tons and tons of losers and you’re supposed to lose. But winning or losing isn’t the point, the point is trying something, putting yourself out there, growing, learning, developing, having fun, exercising, working with others, being a good teammate, and personal growth. If you’ve achieved any of those, it’s a win. To pp point, by being a bad sport you steal others’ joy and that’s not your place and is selfish. Celebrate the wins but more importantly celebrate the growth and successes that aren’t wins. Having a growth mindset and focus on progress will help shift the focus. Also the realization that there will always be someone better, faster, prettier, smarter, richer, cooler, etc is a good realization too. So be the best YOU that you can be and don’t worry about the comparisons and winning.
And I say all of this as a very competitive person who likes to win.
Like k3am, DH is trying to combat this in our kids with board games. DH was always a sore loser and is trying to be proactive about it with our kids. They play something every single night before bed.
DS is like this in sports. It doesn’t sound as severe or involving school. I guess school wise he would tear up if he couldn’t find an assignment.
But anyway back to sports, he would talk back to coaches, make angry gestures, tear up, take anger out on members of the family. Besides talking about it or disciplining for behavior there wasn’t a lot that we did. He is much better this year than last year. Maybe the gap in sports didn’t help and he did have a terrible bb coach last year. In the past coaches would assist him in dealing with emotions in a proper manner and I thank them. Now that he’s in 6th grade he’s very aware of being embarrassed and was very well behaved for his school coach who is also his PE teacher.
Long story short she’ll probably grow out if it but it sounds like there also is some anxiety there. Continue to work on that and emotional regulation. Oh and he’s 12 and was still doing this at age 11, so maybe she will grow out of it but it will be 4 years. 😀
Does she get upset playing games alone? I'm thinking solitaire or some of the tablet/phone games where you may win or not. DD and I play Harry Potter Puzzles and Spells. At least with these games she is playing against herself so there is no other winner.
I like k3am, solution and you can play shorter games like checkers or chutes and ladders where the game can be over in 10 minutes.
Does her school have a counselor that she could give you tips or do a small group game lunch deal.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Jan 27, 2023 11:54:53 GMT -5
I sent an email to the counselor but I'm kind of thinking maybe we should also force her to play board game on a regular schedule of some kind. We don't play board games often - hardly ever really - but maybe we need to give her more exposure. Thinking it through, she has managed this anxiety for herself so far by avoidance.
I also sent an email to the counselor, maybe she'll have some advice that's helpful too.
When her PE teacher brought it up I asked him if he could fix her b/c I hadn't been able to yet. I was joking but only kinda.
At 9, Beau's son is still a terribly sore loser in most situations. We've been working on it a lot with him at our house. I think for him, a lot of it was due to lack of exposure to losing/sharing the glory. Only child, doting parents, covid ruining early school years all added up to not knowing how to lose graciously. Playing board games and not tolerating the sore loser behavior has made a big difference. A lot like k3am, he's just removed from the situation and told that his reaction is not showing good sportsmanship. It might sound harsh, and probably isn't ideal parenting, but we've even used the phrase "This is not something to cry about" when he cries about not winning.
I see it with school work too - if he thinks it won't be done perfectly and he's struggling at all, he tends to just give up. I kind of see it as a resiliency thing. He has to build up the skills to have a "growth mindset" and learn that he won't always win and he may not be able to do something "yet" but that doesn't mean he will never be able to.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Jan 27, 2023 12:11:52 GMT -5
It is a resiliency thing! And risk taking thing! You have to be able to take calculated risks and have them not work out sometimes! And to not being able to do that is a real issue.
Ironically this girl does not care about the spot light and is the kid most likely to shrug her shoulders and just deal with many other kinds of adversity - like all her friends playing a game she doesn't want to play. Her solution is to go play by herself and she doesn't hold it against her friends. She just jumps in when they are playing something she wants to play again. She is known as a laid back kid by everyone who knows her UNLESS everyone is supposed to engage in a contest with a winner and looser. If she can't just sit out then it's internal destruction.
mustardseed2007, Sometimes avoidance for anxiety isn't the best way for them to conquer their fears. I am sure you can help scaffold them through this. I would have a discussion about conquering fears, winning, losing. Start at the least consequential and work your way up step by step.
mustardseed2007- I would talk with the counselor first. Anxiety is tricky, and you don’t want to accidentally make it worse while trying to make it better. Maybe start by letting her play something like solitaire. And see there are really no consequences to losing a game.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Jan 27, 2023 14:26:42 GMT -5
mommyatty, thanks I did send the counselor an email today.
I wonder if it's worth therapy with an out of school counselor? Although I the school counselor is a good start. I'm not sure if it's a "serious" issue she's qualified to help. But I'm not sure, it might be over kill.
I spoke to a 1st grader today who claimed to have anxiety and cited examples of losing as big triggers. He said whenever they play a class game of Kahoot, he feels anxiety rising up inside. If he doesn’t place 1st, 2nd, or 3rd in the class, he cries. However, he didn’t claim to be worried about feeling stupid or dumb. I think he was literally anxious about the feelings of disappointed sadness coming over him.
I asked “How long does the sadness last?”
He replied, “Maybe 4 minutes?”
I think 4 minutes is an appropriate time to feel sad/disappointed at a loss. 🤷🏼♀️
I spoke to a 1st grader today who claimed to have anxiety and cited examples of losing as big triggers. He said whenever they play a class game of Kahoot, he feels anxiety rising up inside. If he doesn’t place 1st, 2nd, or 3rd in the class, he cries. However, he didn’t claim to be worried about feeling stupid or dumb. I think he was literally anxious about the feelings of disappointed sadness coming over him.
I asked “How long does the sadness last?”
He replied, “Maybe 4 minutes?”
I think 4 minutes is an appropriate time to feel sad/disappointed at a loss. 🤷🏼♀️
She doesn’t care if she wins, she just can’t stand to loose. And she has avoided the feeling by opting out. The counselor apparently asked if it would be ok if they work on it together and she said “sure why not”.
However the next day she refused to participate in pe because there was a competition game. She said Ms A (counselor) hasn’t fixed me yet. Ha.
She does show some amount of perfectionism. A few times now when she has a few spelling words she’s not already familiar with she had an hour long tantrum about even practicing the word because she knew she was going to get it wrong. I explained she’d still pass if she got all the hard words wrong, told her we could work on all the rest of the words and asked her to just write the hard words while looking at them…she couldn’t get her act together to work on it for a full hour of tears. It happened twice so far. I mean she definitely doesn’t like not being good at stuff. But a personal challenge is normally not as bad as a graded one or a competition. :/
She needs an affirmation along the lines of “I’m still worthy as a person even if I [lose a game, misspell a word].”
It sounds like she’s letting these small losses define her.
Avoidance of competitive situations seems like a coping skill, but really doesn’t fix her self-esteem and anxiety about it. As you further explained, then she tried to avoid practice of spelling words.
I hope the school counselor is able to address it in a productive way. At my school I can help triage kids for different services, but I’m not in a position to see kids regularly for X amount of time “appointments.” Just know that the school counselor is a good start but might not be enough.
She needs an affirmation along the lines of “I’m still worthy as a person even if I [lose a game, misspell a word].”
It sounds like she’s letting these small losses define her.
Avoidance of competitive situations seems like a coping skill, but really doesn’t fix her self-esteem and anxiety about it. As you further explained, then she tried to avoid practice of spelling words.
I hope the school counselor is able to address it in a productive way. At my school I can help triage kids for different services, but I’m not in a position to see kids regularly for X amount of time “appointments.” Just know that the school counselor is a good start but might not be enough.
Yeah luckily we go to a super small private school. Apparently the counselor met with her today and they played a board game and focused on how she felt when she lost and that kind of thing. And how to behave if she wins too. She’s bringing the game home to play and then going to bring it back Wednesday and will have another meeting Friday. Basically the whole school has 120 kids which is a big ratio for one counselor but she jumped on it like she needed something to do, lol. Maybe she does and maybe she doesn’t but I have a feeling that getting the attention from the counselor is going to help with something or other.