No one has their shit together. If they say they do they are lying liars who lie.
ETA- this was sarcasm and meant to be funny.
This is so true!
And in the same vein, my father always said everyone's family is dysfunctional some are just better at hiding it.
I make lists to make myself feel better, but then half the time I lose them. At this point, I just try to juggle everything the best I can and force myself to be ok with that.
Honestly, I think I am just built in a way where "having it together" comes easily. I can't really take credit for it; it's not some kind of achievement I unlocked. I'm good at finding the simplest and least messy way of doing a thing and I don't take on more than I can handle, so I perpetuate an uncomplicated life. It's not for everyone and I think that's okay.
PDQ: MH has ADHD and BP-II and our differences can really be summed up as Always Has Shit Together vs. Never Has Shit Together. We try to give each other grace. After 20 years we can see where our strengths can prop up the other's weaknesses.
I wish I knew. DS has a tournament this weekend and he asked me today how far away it is. I told him 1.5 hours. “So what time do we have to leave?” I said “I don’t know, it’s only Wednesday. That’s too many days away for me to worry about!”
But I know we have to be there at 8:15. I just literally have not taken the .5 seconds to do the reverse math.
And this is my normal life. Now that DH lost his job, I feel I’ll never be even that close again. And unfortunately, when I lower my expectations for myself, the rest of the house does too.
I have a lot of my shit together. I have a good marriage, great kids who eat every day and sleep regularly and are pretty solid independent humans, a job that pays me a living wage. We pay bills on time and get to the doctor regularly (well, the kids do...less so me). So my house isn't always clean and I forgot about my kid's birthday until three days before, but I think most of my shit is where it's supposed to be.
We are also pretty lazy parents, which helps. Four introverts here...We don't do a lot of sports and activities. We spend a lot of time chilling as a family.
I write everything down, with backups. I have OCD, so I have a lot of systems and routines in place that I don't even really think about anymore. I have a reliable partner, which is huge.
I think a lot of people (particularly women) don't give themselves enough credit. We do a lot, and we're doing it!
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Post by wanderlustmom on Feb 1, 2023 21:11:50 GMT -5
I stand by my comments last night, I don’t think it’s possible to have your shit together. It’s not a bad thing. Being organized is awesome, so is being steady and functional. Shit together, nope. I’m skeptical of anyone saying they have it. Being content, all good. Living in the moment, awesome. Lowering expectations—fantastic. But having your shit together—nope.
People think I have my shot together. I don’t feel like I do. People don’t see all my lists and all the notes I write on my paper calendar so I don’t forget things. I email myself most nights so I make sure to prioritize the things that need to be done that next day.
With things like car reg, DH likes to do them as soon as they are received so we don’t forget. He’s the glue there.
@@ We also have a family Google calendar. Even the 8 year old refers to it and can add to it from his iPad.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Feb 2, 2023 0:48:50 GMT -5
Eh, my shit is way more together than it was when I was 25. And it's still way less together than my parents' shit, and they are in their 70s (and of sound mind, thankfully). Sometimes I go help them with this or that on their farm, and they will make some comment about how if they'd made a better decision on such and 40 years ago, we wouldn't have to be fixing it now. Like the outbuilding that had a vapor barrier under 95% of the floor, and when we took it apart to build the new floor, it became apparent that all the rot was coming from that 5%. But it gives me hope. They have their shit together more now than they used to. And I will have my shit better together someday too. I'm still growing.
Also, if I chose to have less going on in my life, it would be easier to have my shit together. So in a very real way, not having my shit together is a choice. And it's the right choice for me. I don't want to have a boring shit-together life. I want to do all the things, or at least as close to all as I can get... that means having a lot of balls in the air and some of them getting dropped sometimes. Seems better than not trying to me.
TL;DR: you're one person. Be your own boss, be a good one, set reasonable expectations, and the rest can get fucked.
I have started thinking of "home work," the stuff needed to keep the home/family running, more like a job. I have only so many hours to give it. Yes, there will be an ebb and flow of busy seasons and (please god someday) quieter seasons. BUT I refuse to consistently take hours from elsewhere (sleep, making time to work out, devoting routine time to appreciate my family in this stage).
Thinking of it as a job with contracted hours has helped. In a good job with good management, you would be able to say "hey boss, this is more than an FTE of work. We either need to add staff or prioritize/understand it won't be done." So be a good boss to yourself! I don't have the budget to hire out, and having a deep-cleaned house is like, way on the bottom of my priority list (and maybe it's at the top of yours -- you're the boss!!), so it will get done at(/below) the bare minimum.
I also remember this comedian with a set that resonated so much while I was pregnant with my 2nd and terrified. She was talking about anxiety and something about how "you will virtually NEVER get to a point where you're like 'WHEW! THANK GOD I spent so much time worrying about this thing; that was really a great use of that time!' " Lol.
Also I just realized the return window for my amazon December purchases (several of which have been sitting on a dining room chair since very early December, not xmas gifts) ended yesterday. So what do I know??
I quit my job shortly after my first kid was born. That’s the only way I have my shit half way together now. I was zero % together before - I had PPA, a very high needs baby, almost no sleep, and a stressful job. I once came home from work and our electricity was shut off. I apparently forgot to pay the bill and my husband was getting the shut off calls but didn’t want to “bother” me with it and assumed I’d never forget to pay. So also, “having my shit together” is a relative comparison now.
I think a lot of people would say I have my shit together, but that’s just the parts they see, or are relevant to them. There’s a lot on my to-do list for…I don’t know, later in life some time. And sometimes I only get a couple hours of sleep at night so that my shit can be together for the next day, but my body suffers. I’ve got a lot of “systems” but I never feel done; I always have to prioritize and let other things go. A good portion of really feeling like I have things together now is also my anxiety medication 😊
When I talk to my clients, I talk about the four areas of life where we try to follow our values: Work/Education, Relationships, Personal Growth/Health, Leisure. This is from the Values Bullseye.
There is no way to live in your values in all four at a time. No one has the energy or time to do so. So, we talk about focusing on one or two regularly. Some days it may have to be all about work/education and relationships. Other days you might be able to move forward more on Leisure or Health. Some days you might just focus on one.
It's helpful because it makes one realise that there is no such thing as always being 'together' at any one time, and that sometimes certain things need your energy and you have to let go of the others.
Trying to live in all of them, all the time, leads to anxiety and depression.
I have my shit together in the sense that our bills are paid, we make it to work and school daily, I do a good job at work, and we are usually able to fit in time for exercise.
But there is always a growing to do list of things to do. Sometimes it stresses me out and I just tackle 4 things to get it under control. I usually just try and keep adding and subtracting to the list at the same rate. My MIL just bought a house and said she spent 3 weeks picking out paint colors, I don't have that amount of time to think about paint colors.
One things that helps me is to look at life as a series of ebbs and flows. I can't always be on in every aspect of life, I usually have a focus during different periods. Right now we are doing a home renovation, so that is my focus. I just finished up a big project at work, but moved off that team despite it being better for my career, because I know that while the renovation is going on I don't have the extra time to put into that project. Sometimes I will be training for a sporting event and that becomes my focus for those 18 weeks and I take extra days off to get in all the workouts.
Post by litskispeciality on Feb 2, 2023 11:48:36 GMT -5
I don't have my sh!t together and don't pretend I do. There are some good tips here, but also give yourself some grace for self-care. For example, I love the reminder to run laundry on Sunday so you have clean (underwear) clothes that week...but for me I really need Sunday's as a down day because it's my only true time off.
What really helped me was a tip from a Counselor. This was in relation to my job and that things will never be caught up (although tell my boss that), but like don't work 3 extra hours a day because the next day you'll fall behind. The tip/analogy was laundry on a cruise ship...it's never done. Someone's job is to constantly, probably 24/7 wash bedding, towels etc. Think of your own life as laundry on a cruise ship, that certain things like laundry, house cleaning, errands etc. will most likely never be done. If you wash three loads of laundry, you're wearing clothes that will need to be washed.
Now is this as easy to communicate to a spouse who may not like piles of clean and dirty laundry? No, but they can help wash said clothes, and give grace to clothes that aren't put away.
Also I find I"m more productive in the summer. The winter/seasonal depression is a real thing. January has been a tough month and I'm finally finding energy to get chores done after work now that we're entering Feb.
Post by wanderingback on Feb 2, 2023 11:52:33 GMT -5
I would also note that some people live much more simpler lives than others. I remember there was a post about kid activities and some people had their kids in activities most days of the week and others none. Some people (with or without kids) have weekends/days off scheduled to the max for weeks while others have no schedule. I think those things absolutely play a role in "having it together" and the perception of your life tasks.
Post by litskispeciality on Feb 2, 2023 11:58:35 GMT -5
Thank you mrsukyankee for that post. I find I'm even having trouble on leisure, like my goal is 2.5+ books a month...and I read 1.5 in Jan. I'm trying to craft some winter items to give to a friend next weekend, but it feels like pressure rather than leisure. I think, at least American society, doesn't allow for grace that sometimes you just don't have the bandwith after a long day of work and/or kids or family obligations etc. and need a night "off".
jewel , but is that weaponized incompetence? Why wouldn't your H just pay the electric bill and send you the email receipt and say hey I paid this? My H handles most of the finances, but if I see something is being missed I handle it myself or I tell him to because not having car insurance is not an option, for example. Not having electric is not an option for me. If someone is overwhelmed I help them out rather than being like well I'm sure it's fine shrug.
gt7301b , My mom was constantly trying to get me to revisit my routines, decisions, something. After about 10 years of me refusing to do so, I think she has got the hint now. I made the most efficient routine I could at a period when I had no time (H traveled for work, all childcare on me, kids in daycare, young kids that took a lot of time). I did not have the time or mental capacity to revisit stuff. It needs to be done, and keep it moving.
I don't completely feel like I have my shit together, but I'm sort of okay with it? Totally agree with those who said it's about prioritizing what's important, being comfortable letting other stuff slide a bit, and finding routines that make that happen. I also find it helpful personally to recognize that I'm in a particularly challenging era (two full time jobs and a young baby who doesn't sleep through the night and has been home sick for a LOT of the last two months). As PP mentioned, there are just aren't enough hours in the day between daycare pickup and bedtime. So our house is not particularly tidy, there's almost always at least one basket of clean laundry sitting around that needs to be folded, probably some dishes that need to be done in the sink ... but at the end of the day, we don't always prioritize doing all that, because we've decided that having half an hour to ourselves or getting sleep is more important to our wellbeing than picking up all the stray toys. So we learn to live with a little bit of mess, and know that the essential things are getting done. Do I ideally wish I could have time to relax and sleep and tidy up? Sure, but I don't really think the fact that I don't is a reflection on me not having my shit together, just kind of a reality of capitalism.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Feb 2, 2023 12:50:22 GMT -5
I have no idea what it's like to have my shit together. Rent is paid, bills are paid, food is in the fridge, laundry is done, dog is happy, kid is not happy (but what teenage girl is happy?!?) but my 3 ring circus of home, work, other is neverending. Once I think I have it together in one ring, another ring goes rogue, rinse and repeat.
There are folks out there who see my kid and what she does and think that I'm the worst parent in the world due to her 'lack' of boundaries and how if I simply punished her or gave out consequences she wouldn't act that way. What they don't know is that she is suffering from undx'd mental health issues I've spent the better part of 5y trying to get dx. On one hand while it doesn't look like I have my shit together on that front, "I" know that progress towards a dx is getting closer inch by inch. So I do have it somewhat together but my sanity is on the brink with it.
I was always in awe of guys who I dated who said I had it together - I have a decent paying job that I like, I live in my own place, I have a pretty wide variety of interests, I've done some cool stuff, and I don't 'need' a man.
I guess the bar of having one's shit together shifts on circumstances. I think I'm a total failure, someone else sees me as a rockstar.
Post by litskispeciality on Feb 2, 2023 14:28:17 GMT -5
Something else that comes to mind, me personally I get overwhelmed when there's too much to do, and I just shut down. This can go for household stuff too. I have to put away three baskets of laundry, empty the dishwasher, clean the cat box, take out the trash, on and on and on and then finally sit down and eat dinner (at 9pm), no it's too much. Even without kids I have to say my mental health comes before having my house together. As long as bills are paid, things (trash) don't stink, and I have clean clothes, it's good enough.
I try to get some chores done when my husband isn't home because I can get a lot more done in less time, but my energy doesn't always flow that way. He does some chores while I'm at work too since he has a lot more time off.
(((pinkdutchtulips))) I'm sorry people are like that. From what you've said I think you're a rockstar.
Post by Doggy Mommy on Feb 2, 2023 17:18:17 GMT -5
My brain seems to possess a limited capacity for organization, and I bring most of that to work. At home.... I hate mess and clutter, but that doesn't mean I'm organized. I stuff things everywhere. I have several closets that are an epic disaster. I've done all the things in the closets and cupboards... cleared out everything, put in piles, toss, donate, organize, etc and a year later it's a massive disaster again. Far too often I give up on cooking dinner and get takeout. I throw out entire bags of vegetables on a weekly basis. Ahh well. The dog is happy. The husband is kept alive. We figure it out.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this as someone who would say they have their shit together. I think it comes down to the fact that I have both the privilege and systems to absorb unexpected events and chaos. On the privilege front, we don’t have a lot of society-inflicted stressors from being a white, cishet couple. We are make a good income with flexible jobs. We only have one kid and lots of family support. We definitely started out on 3rd base when it comes to the shit together game. Additionally, I have a personality that fits managing both our environment and unexpected events well. That gives us both extra privilege as well as we’ve created a life that runs very, very smooth. We don’t over schedule ourselves. We have “a place for everything and everything in its place.” There is minimal clutter. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc are all on autopilot that require minimal effort. It feels like I don’t have to try super hard but in reality it’s the systems we’ve put in place that make it easier. It definitely doesn’t mean life is perfect or without ups and downs, but our chaos level remains very steady even with unexpected events. This week alone I quit my job and we decided to switch our son’s school. He was home sick 2 days where I had a ton of transition meetings and my husband had full clinic days. That is a ton of disruption to our lives but the ship remained steady.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this as someone who would say they have their shit together. I think it comes down to the fact that I have both the privilege and systems to absorb unexpected events and chaos. On the privilege front, we don’t have a lot of society-inflicted stressors from being a white, cishet couple. We are make a good income with flexible jobs. We only have one kid and lots of family support. We definitely started out on 3rd base when it comes to the shit together game. Additionally, I have a personality that fits managing both our environment and unexpected events well. That gives us both extra privilege as well as we’ve created a life that runs very, very smooth. We don’t over schedule ourselves. We have “a place for everything and everything in its place.” There is minimal clutter. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc are all on autopilot that require minimal effort. It feels like I don’t have to try super hard but in reality it’s the systems we’ve put in place that make it easier. It definitely doesn’t mean life is perfect or without ups and downs, but our chaos level remains very steady even with unexpected events. This week alone I quit my job and we decided to switch our son’s school. He was home sick 2 days where I had a ton of transition meetings and my husband had full clinic days. That is a ton of disruption to our lives but the ship remained steady.
My brain seems to possess a limited capacity for organization, and I bring most of that to work. At home.... I hate mess and clutter, but that doesn't mean I'm organized. I stuff things everywhere. I have several closets that are an epic disaster. I've done all the things in the closets and cupboards... cleared out everything, put in piles, toss, donate, organize, etc and a year later it's a massive disaster again. Far too often I give up on cooking dinner and get takeout. I throw out entire bags of vegetables on a weekly basis. Ahh well. The dog is happy. The husband is kept alive. We figure it out.
I don’t know if you’re looking for suggestions, but it sounds to me like you’re trying to organize in a way that doesn’t work for you. I highly recommend taking the “what type of organizer are you” quiz from Cas the Clutterbug!