Tween Tears

[hermione]

C is 9 - 10 in April. Lately, I have noticed she cries for no discernable reason. I, of course, try and ask her what's wrong, if anything is going on she wants to talk about, etc. She always says no. She's pretty open and usually very willing to talk about anything. This morning we were sitting in the school drop off line, everything was fine, and she just got sad and started crying. I am as positive as I can be that there are no issues at school. When I asked she says she doesn't know why she is crying. It's not every day or even every week. Last month she cried because I said, "I can't believe you are going to be two whole hands (10)." Then she got sad and cried because she "doesn't want to grow up, she wants to stay a kid!"

Is this the start of puberty? Something else? Should I be concerned?

She has a well visit in April and I will bring it up then but I am wondering if I should be more proactive.

[meanie]

Sounds about right. My DD is 9 and I try to just roll with the mood swings and not get too wrapped up in solving the "problem" because she is usually back to laughing a minute later, but if I engage it becomes a tear-fest.

[abs]

It's puberty.

DD went through this phase when she was 9/10 as well. At the time I thought it was just Covid stuff and while that contributed it was puberty. She started her period at 10 and her emotions evened out quickly. She hardly ever cries now.

[maudefindlay]

DD is 10 and no signs of puberty yet, but her pediatrician says 4th grade age is normal to see this tearfulness and a desire to be nearer to parents. DD has recently cried because DS1 is going to high school in the fall and will then go to college and she doesn't want him to leave. She cried when I hung shelves in her room (shelves she wanted) because the change made her sad. She is also constantly wanting us to play games with her, like wanting hours and hours of our time for it.

[hermione]

Feb 1, 2023 11:26:35 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

DD is 10 and no signs of puberty yet, but her pediatrician says 4th grade age is normal to see this tearfulness and a desire to be nearer to parents. DD has recently cried because DS1 is going to high school in the fall and will then go to college and she doesn't want him to leave. She cried when I hung shelves in her room (shelves she wanted) because the change made her sad. She is also constantly wanting us to play games with her, like wanting hours and hours of our time for it.

Yes, definitely seeing more of, "Let's do this together, Mom." I was pretty sure this was all normal but always appreciate getting confirmation from this place.

[abs]

I also highly recommend the book Untangled by Lisa Damour. Not everything will apply to a 10 year old but it's a great read for seeing what is normal/what isn't/what's coming. Once they hit puberty all these stages come SO fast.

[timorousbeastie]

DD (turns 9 next week) has been dealing with all sorts of big emotions lately, often triggered by the most minor things. It got bad enough that this week she asked to go see the therapist she was seeing a couple years ago for anxiety. The therapist had us set up a calming corner in her room, full of pillows, blankets, favorite stuffies, fidgets, books, basically anything that helps calm her mind down. Whenever DD starts feeling overwhelmed by her emotions at home, she can go to her corner to calm down. The therapist also wants us to practice calming techniques like deep breathing every day when she is already calm. That way it’s more reflexive for her in the moment (right now, when I try to get her to breathe deeply when she’s upset, her response is usually to scream at me that deep breathing is stupid and she doesn’t know how to breathe; hopefully practicing when calm helps with that). She also suggested getting some mindfulness apps geared towards kids for her to play with, too.

I’m not sure how much of DD’s issues are due to her anxiety vs. the hormones of growing up, but maybe some of those ideas could help C, too.

[sadie]

Feb 1, 2023 12:17:33 GMT -5 abs said:

I also highly recommend the book Untangled by Lisa Damour. Not everything will apply to a 10 year old but it's a great read for seeing what is normal/what isn't/what's coming. Once they hit puberty all these stages come SO fast.

I read a few chapters of this book and stopped. While informative, I found the overarching tone of "yes, they'll hate you, it's normal, just accept it" very depressing.

[abs]

Feb 1, 2023 14:44:13 GMT -5 sadie said:

Feb 1, 2023 12:17:33 GMT -5 abs said:

I also highly recommend the book Untangled by Lisa Damour. Not everything will apply to a 10 year old but it's a great read for seeing what is normal/what isn't/what's coming. Once they hit puberty all these stages come SO fast.

I read a few chapters of this book and stopped. While informative, I found the overarching tone of "yes, they'll hate you, it's normal, just accept it" very depressing.

Interesting. I didn’t get that from it. I took it more as they will separate from you and it’s normal. I can see how others might take it that way though. I don’t think it’s a foregoing conclusion that they will hate you. As of now my 12 year old definitely isn’t that way but does value alone time.

To me it is more okay these are these things that could be coming up for your tween/teen and/or their friends. Honestly got the book for the friendship section. 4th/5th grade were rough in that department. DD is an only so I found it reassuring but like all books it’s not for everyone.

[pugz]

definitely more tears here at that age. I feel like it's not as bad now that she's 10 and a half.

[lo]

My 8.5 year old cries more than her 5 year old sister and 3 year old sisters.

[thebreakfastclub]

My boy is 10 and he's a happy go lucky goofball, lol. The only change in him is his smelly armpits and new requirement to wear deodorant daily.

[DarcyLongfellow]

Yup, sounds normal.

DD2 is 9 (10 this summer). We've had a lot more meltdowns lately. Everything is just the end of the world. The way someone at school talked to her. The way I told her to clean her room. The fact that she slightly injured herself. Everything.

She and DD1 both see the same counselor. Today at DD1's appointment, she brought up that she is worried about her sister and didn't think her sister was okay because she's constantly crying and having tantrums.

DD1 had a lot of trouble believing us when the counselor and I both told her that her sister's behavior was normal for a 9 year old girl and that it would get better. I tried pointing out that she was the same at that age, but she didn't believe me 😜

[niq]

I have no advice but hang in there ❤️

[bbdoll]

My daughter is 11 and has been withdrawing and sad a lot.  I took her out one day, just the two of us, to do ceramics.  She told me something was bothering her, but she didn't want to tell me there.  So, when we got back in the car, I told her to spill it.  She said she feels so much pressure to figure out her future already and she doesn't want to grow up.  She just wants to be a kid.  Now, I didn't think I put any pressure on her, but her dad and I have talked to both our kids about jobs, taxes, etc. in random conversations.  I told her, at 11, she doesn't need to know anything yet and no one expects her to.  I said her only "job" right now is school.  Other than that, just be a kid.  She seemed so relieved.  She's been so much better since that day.  

When your daughter said about not wanting to grow up, it seems like that's a common worry for tweens now.  I think maybe society, and us parents, are trying to make them grow up a little too fast.  We only talk about more grown-up topics if she specifically asks about them now.  She's got plenty of time to figure things out.

[jg183]

thebreakfastclub,lucky! my 10 year old and his friends are an emotional hotmess