Another parenting Q about staying at Grandparents

[waverly]

Every year since the kids were out of diapers, they have stayed with my in-laws for a week in the summer.  

This year, DD says she doesn't want to go.  The reason is that they give a lot of chores.  DD is not a fan of regular chores at home, so I understand.  But also, the chores are things like pick up sticks.  They literally live in the woods, there are a lot of sticks.  It was well known in the neighborhood that Dh and his sister had more chores than any other family.  

I do think they got some things out of it like family history stuff and going to the aquarium and getting a few souvenirs.  MIL/ FIL aren't getting any younger and the time is valuable.  DD wasn't super excited about going last year, and is still not. DS hasn't expressed that much.  I don't think he is enthused, but not actively resisting it.  He has a more laid back personality, so he most likely gets along better with MIL than DD does.  Except for when he is trying to fight with his sister.  

However, I think MIL struggled with the kids last year.  MIL and FIL had an authoritarian parenting style.  They don't seem to do well with the kids fighting or with the kids getting older.  They seem to struggle more with the tween/ teen ages.  They don't spank the kids, and overall have mellowed a bit in terms of their parenting style.  But they struggle with the kids have their own mind now, and perhaps the tween attitudes.  To the point that MIL had to pull the car over and yell at them and maybe take deep breathes herself.  While, we lose our temper at the kids in general, we typically aren't to the point of pulling the car over, so my take on it is that she was overly angry maybe.  But I wasn't there.  I worry that she isn't capable of handling the emotional part.   She didn't do well with DH once he turned 10.  It became an all out war.  

Would you still send the kids to them this summer?  Other summers?  And if not, what would you tell them?  As they become teenagers they may be aging out of this?  

My mom has surprisingly stepped up on wanting the kids lately, so she took them last summer, and they kids said they enjoyed that a lot more.  And they really didn't do much, just vegetated.  But, she doesn't want them for a week, so the con is I have to take a day off work and meet her halfway and pick them up.  It wasn't a huge deal last year though, so I think it worked OK.  They were there Sat-Wed, and I think they played basketball once and went swimming with the cousins once and did mini golf, and that was about it.  Although I don't think the other grandparents did more than 3 things and they had them a full week.  

[mommyatty]

I have mixed feelings but honestly would not send them. Kids going to their grandparents are supposed to make good memories. If your DD’s memories boil down to “Grandma screams at us and makes us pick sticks up,” it’s not meeting your goals or your kids’ needs. And I would tell your in laws that it seemed like last year the kids were a bit too much for them to handle and that as the kids get older, they are more focused on doing things with their friends during summer. Maybe offer a long weekend if you can swing it. And if they question why they are seeing your mom, the answer is there are kid cousins to play with there.

Fwiw, we did long trips to see grandparents when I was small, but all the cousins stopped that by the time they were about 12. My grandparents (who were German immigrants and where all the stereotypes about unbending strict German people come from) totally understood and were probably secretly glad.

[waverly]

That's why I posted. My feelings are mixed too. I will dig a little deeper at DD's memories of the time, and talk to DS and DH and reach a consensus. But I definitely want to know what others are thinking that's why I posted here.

I always visited my grandparents in the winter in Florida. They paid for all our tickets, and while the time was certainly not perfect and as a teen I wanted to be with friends, my memories are all overwhelmingly positive. Some chores, not too many, and a few snafus like maybe 3, and one was a stomach virus. The rest of the time was walking outside, pool time, Disney, the zoo, movies, NYE parties, and just hanging around in sun and warmth.

[supertrooper1]

I would send them. As a kid who grew up on a farm and had more chores than my non-farm friends, I think it's a good thing. It taught me a great work ethic. I lived near both of my grandmas and even though I was definitely closer to one because she was "the fun grandma", I still wish I had more time with both of them.

As for the yelling and emotional issue, I would talk to the kids and see if they can behave better for their grandparents, explaining that they're elderly and have a different parenting style. And then talk to your MIL and explain that they bicker and to try not to get stressed out about it.

[sdlaura]

That's a tough one. I would have an honest (or as honest as possible) conversation with your in-laws. If MIL told you about having to pull the car over, you could ask how she feels about continuing to have them come as they get older and more opinionated. Does she still want to do it? Are there some things you could help her and FIL plan that could help make it fun for everyone? New activity (lego kit or something) that they could sort of work on together?

I would definitely try to make things work with your Mom, too. I think having to take some time off for transportation is totally worth your kids having fun with your mom and their cousins.

My kids beg to go stay with my parents. But we only send the two older ones - otherwise it would be too much for them. Or my parents come stay with the little ones while the older ones go to sleepaway camp (on weekdays while the little ones still have daycare/preschool during the day). The kids have no chores while with my parents, and tons of fun, but the flip side is that then we sort of have to reprogram the kids to not expect constant entertainment and treats when they get back home. My in-laws could unfortunately not even handle my older kids for any length of time - MIL has major physical limitations and FIL is hard of hearing and has some early stage dementia. So all of their energy goes into taking care of each other and the kids don't spend more than a few hours at a time with them - and never the little kids unless DH or I are there.

[186momx]

I never got a week at grandparents house so my view might be skewed. When we went back to visit for 2 weeks every other year my brother and I liked it when whoever we were visiting for the day gave us a project because it gave us something to do while the adults talked. Picking up sticks on 5 acres so we could ride the tractor/mower was super cool. But we never stayed for more than the day or afternoon.

Could you compromise. Take the kids to MIL on Sunday and then have DH go back on Wednesday and stay for the rest of the week and everyone come home on Saturday?

[waverly]

186momx, Yes, I thought about that too, that maybe everyone would do better with a shorter time.

[CrazyLucky]

I grew up with no grandparent involvement. I feel like I really missed out and I try hard to make sure all the grandparents are a part of my kids' lives. My kids are 10 and 12 and they have a list of chores at home. To listen to them tell it, they are indentured servants who were only created so that DH and I could have people to boss around. I would send the kids to your in-laws as long as I didn't have safety concerns. There's no reason they can't do chores. It can be a learning experience. Like my DS mows the lawn for my dad. He doesn't love it but my dad is 79 and DS can help him. Also, who knows, maybe after having to do too many chores for a week, they'll be more cheerful when doing the chores at your house.

[waverly]

Feb 1, 2023 12:55:37 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

I grew up with no grandparent involvement. I feel like I really missed out and I try hard to make sure all the grandparents are a part of my kids' lives. My kids are 10 and 12 and they have a list of chores at home. To listen to them tell it, they are indentured servants who were only created so that DH and I could have people to boss around. I would send the kids to your in-laws as long as I didn't have safety concerns. There's no reason they can't do chores. It can be a learning experience. Like my DS mows the lawn for my dad. He doesn't love it but my dad is 79 and DS can help him. Also, who knows, maybe after having to do too many chores for a week, they'll be more cheerful when doing the chores at your house.

No safety concerns.  

[k3am]

I think our parenting style is unique to us. I'd confirm with MIL/FIL that they're up for the challenge (really up for it, not just saying it because they think they need to) and send them. My kids can survive a week of doing hard/boring stuff, of living in a different style of authority, etc. And I think it's good for them.

Also keep in mind that just because your kids don't drive you to the point of insanity doesn't mean anything. They're yours. You're used to them, they're used to you. We watched a friends kid a few weeks ago, and I assume their family handles her just fine. I about lost my mind. I wanted to drop her off on the side of the road and leave her there. We see this kid all the time and I like her just fine, but that particular day, she was just so frustrating. I assume that my kids unique brand of obnoxious would be grating on others who aren't used to them.

I'd actually give MIL major props for recognizing her stress/annoyance level and pulling over vs. sweeping it under the rug and ignoring it. I don't consider that a shortcoming at all.

[traveltheworld]

I'd talk with your MIL and if she still wants the kids, I'd send them. We spend a lot of time with my parents, and even though I don't always enjoy it, I think it's important to show my kids that you can play an active role in how any interaction goes - e.g. my kids used to complain that spending time at my parents' house was boring, so I told them given spending time there is non-optional, they just have to figure something out. Then DS discovered that my Dad really likes playing chess, so now they play chess together. And DD plays the piano for my mom - things they both enjoy. My parents also make my kids do a lot more chores than we do, but I think that's fine. It's a small part of their lives and it's good to learn that people have different expectations.

[rere]

This reminds me of my mom. We live near her, but she would have my brother's kids in the summer and then want mine too. She also watched my kids some. It got to be where she thought the kids needed to do chores to build character. She gets hung up on how it was done in the old, old days and before technology. Plus, she would beg to have all the kids, then end up blowing up because she couldn't handle them.

The relationship my kids have with her now is not great. They think she's a bit off. They don't want to go over there until I make them. They have no memory of much fun.

My mom doesn't do great once kid's have minds of her own. You can see her actively pass off older kids for babies. I dont have a great relationship due to my childhood. I agree that grandparents are supposed to be a good memory, and she was good when they were small, but that seems to be blocked by her overbearing later behavior.

[waverly]

rere, I’m not sure if she is going to be like that since it only happened once, but something to definitely keep an eye on.

Based on DH’s past it’s absolutely true, but that was a long time ago. But that is why it’s in my radar.

[momof2]

Lots of tweens and teens don’t want to hang out with grandparents— even the most awesome grandparents. I would not force this. I might also them to go for a shorter time one year just to see if it is better.

But really, authoritarian grandparenting can be a nightmare. It just doesn’t fit our current cultural norms for most families. It is fine if you are on with it, but it is also fine NOT to be ok with it and work around it.

[ECB]

I agree with a lot that has been said - it may be worth a conversation with your MIL to see if they are really even up for having your kids for a full week. I'm very lucky that my parents were always cognizant of what they felt they could/couldn't handle (like, they watched DS as a baby 2 days a week. They LOVED that time with him, but also knew that all week would be too much). A shorter visit might work better for everyone.

Contradictory thoughts - Not liking to do chores isn't really a valid reason (to me) to not go spend this time. So- I'd want to delve a bit more with DD about this and really work out if there are other issues at play. But then some traditions aren't meant to last forever. They've had a number of years doing this trip. Maybe it's outgrown itself. When I was young, I'd go spend weeks - almost the whole summer - with my mom. But as I got older, later middle into high school, that definitely shortened to just a week or two. Being with friends, and also working, became more important to me.

I would talk to all the parties involved and try to get a better feel for where they are all at. If your ILs like the visit and want the kids to come, maybe a part of this is approaching this summer as possibly the last summer for the trip. Just so it's not such a shock if it would upset the ILs.

[mommyatty]

I don’t understand the pick up sticks in the middle of the woods thing. I mean, when I was little, I would help feed animals and sweep up sawdust in my grandfather’s shop (which was my fav because I could make “earrings” out of wood shavings… he made furniture), and I picked fruit and helped my grandma make jam and bake. But all those things were… actually things that made sense, needed to be done, and were at least a little fun. If they would have sent me out to pick up sticks under their trees? Well, that would simply not have happened. I would have rebelled so hard I would have been sent home early. It honestly sounds like they just want to keep the kids busy and out of their house.

[waverly]

mommyatty, There are parts not under trees that is actual lawn that gets mowed or driveway or flower beds, but yeah a LOT of their yard is literally under trees and if not directly under then next to the actual woods.