mae0111- in other words, they’re thinking the best defense is a good offense. Go after them hard. You want the kid out of the league, you want all medical expenses covered, you want a public apology from the kid and the coaches and the league.
mustardseed2007, I had a similar situation with a tutor I hired for both kids for a school entrance exam. I was certain to tell him that both kids had ADHD, but that DD2 was definitely more of a "classic" presentation. Wiggly, figety, etc. I heard him snap at her because she wasn't paying attention, and I knew that being addressed like that would make her immediately shut down.
So I sat in for the rest of the session and calmed her down (she was crying), and then told him that he would not be tutoring her anymore. He had a much better rapport with DD1, so we kept him on for her.
To me, it wasn't worth a phone call. I didn't want a new tutor - I just started working with her myself. For you, is there another teacher that might be an option? If you think your DD would like to stay there with another teacher, then it's worth a conversation. It may even be worth it if you leave, because if that teacher doesn't work out (I can't imagine he doesn't get frustrated on the regular), the head of the school may reach back out to you to meet the new teacher.
I hate this stuff. I feel like it's not my responsibility to make their businesses better, but the nature of stuff like this is that, unless people do report issues, the owners typically don't know.
mae0111, I'm sorry. Kids get hurt while playing sports and that is hard enough to deal with but a kid getting hurt by another team member as they walk off the field isn't acceptable. It isn't acceptable at any level including professional. I would be contacting the board, refuting the allegations and giving them your side of the story. No kid should ever be hurt while walking off the field.
mae0111, I would burn it down and do what mommyatty and 186momx said. The behavior in that league is unacceptable and I would make sure the administration knew that. You might even want to talk with a lawyer about this since your daughter was injured.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Feb 9, 2023 18:08:34 GMT -5
mae0111, I'm not sure if there is another drum teacher there or not. They had one drum teacher who also gave DS voice lessons at one time but he left (got fired actually, but we never had a problem with him!). I do have the name of another drum teacher that the neighbor who sold us the drums recommended. So if we ditch this teacher I'd go with him, I think.
DD can be really defeatist but he really went from 0 to 10 fast, so I'd imagine that he does this with others but I obviously really don't know. I mean he told her he gets on with other students (in the context of letting her know she was acting worse than most) so I presume that's true.
mustardseed2007, when I was 8 years old, I got braces. The orthodontist dropped a bracket down my throat accidentally then told me not to swallow it. In trying to concentrate on not swallowing, my eyes started tearing. He told me I was a baby and he put braces on twin kindergarten kids earlier that week who weren’t as big of babies as I was. I tell you this because 1) I still haven’t forgotten it almost 40 years later, and 2) when he died last year, I drank to celebrate his death. Adults in positions of power who are jerks to kids for having human reactions and emotions have a special place in hell reserved for them.
Update - I had a meeting with the school AD (who is also DD2's teacher, which sent DD2 into a tailspin thinking that she had done something to warrant a parent meeting). Apparently the kid was benched for calling another player on our team a b----. I'd heard that it happened, but I didn't witness it, so I didn't say anything about that. It did prompt me to have a conversation with the coaches about my DD, but I didn't bring it up. I think our head coach did.
So after she was benched and probably knew she was in trouble, she said that I approached her and said something inappropriate. All I said was "step away". DD1 was shocked that I'd been accused as she was there, but not shocked because it sounds like this kid had done the same thing several times at camp and was eventually reprimanded for lying. So I wonder if this was a tactic to deflect blame, like mommyatty said - best defense is a good offense.
DD1 wants to end it, so that's what I'm going to try to do. I could sue, but I'll be tangled up with the Archdiocese, and after all the trouble they've had, I imagine their lawyers are pretty cutthroat, and I just don't have it in me. Our school AD asked me if I'd be willing to reach out to just kind of clear the air with the other coach. I don't plan to apologize other than to say, "I'm sorry she felt that I used inappropriate language." I don't believe for a second that she felt threatened because she has a history of making stuff up like this when backed into a corner, but I feel like I will calm my mind if I act like the bigger person.
mae0111, you should do what makes you feel at peace, but I would not even say you’re sorry she felt you used inappropriate language. You know she felt no such thing. I would tell the coaches exactly what you said and that they need to get a leash on that kid before she hurts someone worse than she hurt your daughter. I would also tell them this is a pattern of behavior with this kid, to lie when she gets in trouble. That’s all the air clearing I would do.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Feb 10, 2023 10:22:05 GMT -5
I fully agree with mommyatty. There is no way I would apologize for my language. I would call and tell the coach exactly what you said or email them. I would probably prefer to do it by email because I would not want an argument about how “step away” could have made anyone feel.
mustardseed2007, when I was 8 years old, I got braces. The orthodontist dropped a bracket down my throat accidentally then told me not to swallow it. In trying to concentrate on not swallowing, my eyes started tearing. He told me I was a baby and he put braces on twin kindergarten kids earlier that week who weren’t as big of babies as I was. I tell you this because 1) I still haven’t forgotten it almost 40 years later, and 2) when he died last year, I drank to celebrate his death. Adults in positions of power who are jerks to kids for having human reactions and emotions have a special place in hell reserved for them.
Gah, it sounds so similar. And I told Dd after - the teacher was not behaving right. But also, you need to be ok with being in the learning stage… quite frankly it was the worst experience in so many ways bc what she was afraid of happening, in a way, was happening…so these music lessons where I am trying to teach her life lessons through learning an instrument, are now all back firey!!
So I wrote the email and had DH review it. I explained my perspective - the trip appeared to be deliberate, she immediately laughed at DD1, she was waving and smiling at her throughout the rest of game - almost taunting. And then the language with other players.
Bottom line is that I apologize for my approach. I'm also sure he didn't see the trip, because it was not in a play - she was leaving the court and no one but me was paying attention to it. I was watching because I was waiting to give her a high five. And in his defense, there's no way for him to know that his players are swearing on the court. My players could be using terrible language all day long and I wouldn't know unless someone told me. So that seemed like a good point to concede.
I also apologized for making the generalization that the whole team was demonstrating poor sportsmanship, when it has become clear that it was only one player. Again, good point to concede while reinforcing that the one player is an issue.
I didn't apologize for anything else. I said I appreciated him immediately dealing with the player (he apparently benched her for the 4th quarter after my tirade - I was so upset that I didn't even notice until our AD told me). I stated exactly what happened, and that I would NEVER address a child inappropriately - I was simply trying to remove my DD from an uncomfortable situation and get her to the ER.
So... it feels like a "sorry you're upset" type of apology, without actually being an apology. It was more like - sorry I yelled, I appreciate you remaining calm and addressing the issue, and I did NOTHING inappropriate with your player.
Post by librarychica on Feb 10, 2023 15:20:54 GMT -5
mustardseed2007 I’ve found the quality of music teachers to vary widely. So many are are college students or gig musicians with a sideline — esp lessons held out of music stores. Nothing wrong with that, but without any actual teaching experience or often real interest it can get dicey with younger students. Might be harder with drums, but I’d see if I could find a school music teacher who takes students on the side (I paid for my music lessons babysitting the band teachers kids, lol) or an actual music school (we went this route with DD2).
Disregard if actually already at a music school. In which case that guy just is unsuited for his job. I mean I get that everyone is human but that sounds like … a lot.
Post by librarychica on Feb 10, 2023 15:20:54 GMT -5
mustardseed2007 I’ve found the quality of music teachers to vary widely. So many are are college students or gig musicians with a sideline — esp lessons held out of music stores. Nothing wrong with that, but without any actual teaching experience or often real interest it can get dicey with younger students. Might be harder with drums, but I’d see if I could find a school music teacher who takes students on the side (I paid for my music lessons babysitting the band teachers kids, lol) or an actual music school (we went this route with DD2).
Disregard if actually already at a music school. In which case that guy just is unsuited for his job. I mean I get that everyone is human but that sounds like … a lot.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Feb 12, 2023 21:09:24 GMT -5
We’re at a music school but they employ people that teach all different kind of things. DS has voice lessons at the same place and same time (super convenient) but his voice teacher is great and this drums teacher — well maybe he’s great for some kids?
But yeah, this other drum teacher obviously starts a lot slower and is going to emphasize technique.
I can see how some kids might like her current teacher if they are confident and can pick up learning two handed riffs right away. But I mean, it’s hard to imagine that she’s not the only kid who has a hard time working through making mistakes? Or maybe she is worse than others? I don’t know, but it was like oil and water.
DD1 had her HS state meet this past weekend. She was just an alternate, but it was a great experience. Man alive, Indiana has some freaking FAST HS girls. The meet was crazy to watch. 2 National HS records came down.
This week she switches back to club swimming. She is still young enough for age group state swimming, but the only HS kid that has to go back and train with the club coach, so that kind of stinks for her. We are about a month out from that state meet, so she will ramp up her yards and get back into training shape (as opposed to the taper she has been in for 2+ weeks). She has a number of individual cuts and will swim on 4 relays, so it should be a fun meet!
A non-update update to the basketball drama if anyone cares...
I sent off that email on Friday around noon to a personal email address. In fact, I sent it twice because I forgot to put in a subject line the first time, so I resent and explained.
No response. He absolutely received it.
We have an appointment with the ortho on Thursday to discuss the MRI. I'm annoyed that we have to wait so long, but I assume that's good since if it was a break, I would think that they would have us in sooner. She is still in a splint for her wrist, but her elbow seems to be a bit better and she went to school without her sling today.
Post by librarychica on Feb 13, 2023 17:40:55 GMT -5
mustardseed2007, I think it’s totally normal. I’m sure she’s not the only one. I was terrible at not being good at things as a kid and both my girls are similar, but where DD1 and I both shut down and go into authority-pleasing mode DD2 digs her heels in and fights for the right to use the wrong chords or whatever. Learning to learn things that don’t come naturally is definitely a skill!
Post by librarychica on Feb 13, 2023 17:43:40 GMT -5
Speaking of, I think I have finally taught DD2 how to practice. I feel silly for assuming that she knows what “practice” means. She would play through a song like it was a math problem, call it solved, move onto the next. This went on a while I hadn’t really caught it. Her teacher and I have been coaching her on how to break down music, narrow in on where you’re weak, break it up into smaller bits, and she is finally starting to do it without my talking her through it. I’m very proud.
DD1 who has been a walking germ all year is going back to taekwondo tonight and is very excited.
Wirh HS swim season done, DD1 jumps right into age group championship season. She’s still young enough (by 6 days!) to qualify for Age Group state. She swam a time trial yesterday to swim some events she didn’t get to swim suited/rested in HS. She just killed it. New PRs and state cuts in her 50/100/1000/1650. She now has the state cuts in all 6 free events. She will end up well seeded (top 16) in most of them.
And she’s now half a second away from her Speedo Sectional cut in her 50 free. So, that’s the new goal. Get the cut, earn a national team cap, and swim the meet. Thankfully is in Indy next month so it’s an easy trip for us and her team/coaches. Fingers crossed!
Post by librarychica on Feb 20, 2023 11:05:21 GMT -5
Both DDs have decided to try out for the school talent show. DD1 and her friend are putting together a martial arts demo, I’m told board breaking will feature as that is the “most impressive” per them. They were shocked when I told them, no, they can’t go to Home Depot for boards. They have to use special boards.
DD2 and her friend are singing a song accompanied by DD2’s ukulele. I hope they both make it!
madringal, that is freaking awesome! I hope she hits the time for the 50 free. Going to the Speedo Sectional would be an amazing opportunity!
Somehow, I got in the middle of some parent drama at the gym and I don't even know how I got involved. It is with the other level 4 parents and one level 3 who now is taking part in our mini group private lesson. Somehow, the mini group lesson is now a class but I'm being billed as private. I made it easy, and DD is dropping the mini lesson/class and going back to just working kips with the coach we have our normal private lessons with. The level 3 that got added consistently puts DD down and tells her that she should quit and as all the level 3s are better than she is. DD is struggling and private lessons for her are all about the positive and confidence building. She doesn't need that negative talk in her ear.
186momx, that's really hard... is there a way to get her into another mini group session? Or a private? Is it worth having a conversation with the coaches? It sounds like the kid is really jealous of your DD, and needs to put your DD down to make herself feel better. Does she see her other than these mini group lessons? Is she easy to avoid?
DD2 is in a similar situation with a soccer teammate. They're on the same club soccer team, play the same position, and DD2 is much, much better than she is. She's just not an athlete, which is totally fine, but she goes out of her way to be nasty to DD2. DD2 tends to be sensitive, but I've observed the interactions at practice and games. Honestly, the kid is not nice to anyone, and most of the kids just avoid her. But she singles DD2 out for some reason.
We found out that she's not only going to be on the club team in the spring, but also on DD2's spring travel team as well. DD2 is absolutely dreading it, and there's not much we can do. We paid before we found out the teams, and I didn't anticipate that they would be placed together since there's such a disparity in their level of play. But luckily there are a bunch of nice kids on both teams, and DD2 can do her best to steer clear.
mae0111, She moved over from the other gym last summer. She is the kid that DD just doesn't like and since she refuses to be her BFF she is nasty to her. DD has just been avoiding her and that is pretty easy to do as they are in different levels right now even though practice time is the same. This mini class is the problem as there is too much waiting for your turn and time for her to needle DD. DD would rather just not go to the mini class and go back to her hour-long private lesson. I have not brought up to the coaches because we have been able to avoid. It is also something that happens with very few witnesses, and I don't' want the "she said game". Out of the 20 compulsory girls 95% of them are awesome kids. "I" who does her private really wants her to do the mini class because it is with her normal coach. He says that by doing the mini class it helps normal coach transfer things to practice. DD is going to talk to "I" tomorrow and explain what is going on in mini class and that will hopefully allow them to adjust the time length of their 1-1 lesson.
186momx, got it. There are so many kids that just seem to be really good at being sneakily mean, but really sweet in front of adults. Eventually, though, they get found out. I hope that things work out for your DD. It bothers me that the nice kids seem to have to be the ones to make the shifts and accommodations all the time. But keeping her confidence up is #1.
We went to the orthopedist today - DD1 has small fractures in her elbow and wrist. No cast, splint on the wrist for 2 more weeks. She is out for the rest of the basketball season, but hoping she will be ready for softball.
I also spoke to one of the camp directors today about the incident. I gave very few details other than it was intentional and the extent of DD1's injuries. She asked for the name of the other camper, I told her, and she quickly said, "She's not coming back. And even if I had space, which I don't, she would NOT be coming back." The director said that, based on behavior at camp last summer, she and her friend, another camper, were not welcome back.
She asked me if her parents apologized. I said no, and she said that she was not at all surprised based on the interactions she'd had with them.
So, I feel terrible for DD1 that she's out for the season, but relieved that the injury isn't worse, and that she doesn't have to worry about that kid at camp at all.
Post by traveltheworld on Feb 21, 2023 14:58:10 GMT -5
DS's hockey team won the big local tournament! They get to have their names inscribed on the trophy cup and their photos on the website; so they were super psyched. This is the first real tournament that DS has won. I don't think DH has ever been that anxious.
The mom of a Senior went onto our local FB group for the high school and was rightfully upset that her son didn't get a Senior Night for Indoor track because they only have 2 Seniors. Which honestly sounded terrible so, I suggested she reach out to the Principal (Our AD sucks - which is at the root of these issues). After a few more comments and another mom jumped in and said indoor track does not have HOME meets so that's why they didn't do one and it wasn't due to the number of Seniors. I can see how they are unable to do a Senior Night at the meet so I suggest she reach out to the coach and organize an end of season banquet and recognize them at that.
Instead of just taking the advice she starts ranting that "the Basketball team is not good and got a Senior night and how her kid made States and didnt get one! "
Like WTF? Now I am fuming. Why do you need to criticize other school athletes? My son isn't even on the varsity team (He's JV and they won a lot) but that's awful to do. Senior Night has nothing to do with a winning or losing season. Then she spins off into how some sports are treated so unfair. Because in the fall the Senior night for Soccer had to be put together by the Senior parents? I mean I get it that all athletes deserve a senior night but what she apparently doesn't realize is the coaches and the parents of that team are planning and funding most of the events she talks about.
My son plays football, and I volunteer in concessions (and buy from it), I pay to watch my kids games, I also help with pasta/bonfire dinners (4 of them this past season). The parents buy the decor, set up, cook the food, serve it and clean up. Does she know how much food it takes to feed a HS football team but we do it for the team.
We also donate money to the end of year banquet for the food (hey order pizza and wings) and coaches gifts. Same with the pasta dinner we had for basketball. The parents did it all. We paid for our kids warm up jackets and the coach got the Graphic's teacher/class to put their names and logo on them. These are not things the AD or the school are even funding.
Hell, I had to actually call the Golf Coach myself in December and ask if my kid was supposed to have a Letter from last spring after competing on the Varsity golf team because our AD sucks and I knew he deserved one. (We were getting him his letterman jacket for Christmas)
I understand she is disappointed that her kid was not recognized, but that is no reason to talk about other athletes. Just do something about it and organize a banquet for your kid and his teams.
cjcouple, I would be livid too. Senior night for high school sports here are 100% put on by the parents and usually the team manager. For swimming none of the school have their own pool and all use the community pools. They have designated home and away meets so senior night happens on a home meet night or if it doesn't happen at the meet it is done during the banquet. I will admit that football and basketball senior nights get a lot more attention than track, swimming, golf does.
mae0111, is your DD1 going to attend the rest of the games this season? I can't remember if this is the team that you are coaching with or not.
I now need to have a meeting with the entire coaching staff over the drama. I don't even know how or if I caused it. I'm betting it is going to turn into DD isn't progressing quickly enough meeting.
Yes, they do and I know they are flashier because they have loud speakers and attract more crowds but that just how it is. They are popular social student hangouts.
I completely understand why she was upset that they didn't get anything. I do think all Senior athletes deserve to be recognized which is why i mentioned a banquet for them. We don't even combine girls and boys basketball. Everyone just does senior night on their own.