A lot of teens are meeting on snap so my dd (15) is wanting to go out with a 16 y/o (same grade) from the next town over. They plan to go to dinner, .5 miles from our house, then come back here and watch a movie.
It makes me a bit uneasy that they've never met before. I've already FB stalked his family so I think he is who he says he is.
My 16 year old DD is dating. My 15 year old DD is “spending time with”. Both boys are basically their age and do go to the same school. We’ve known of them both for years, the first we have many parent friends in common.
That said, I know it’s far easier that we are in the same school/community.
I can’t say for sure how I would handle if they wanted to see someone in a close town, but with the details you have and the circumstances being what they will be, I would just request a few guidelines.
I’d want the ability to see her location (via phone) and ask that she text (or call) upon leaving and reaching each destination, if you don’t think that’s overkill.
Maybe explain to her that this may seem like a lot, but this whole thing is just as new to you as it is to her, and you need time to be comfortable with it.
Last Edit: Feb 1, 2023 16:22:40 GMT -5 by pinkly: Also, can you ask that he come inside when he picks her up? Just for a brief face to face? Especially if he will be spending time in your home later.
Post by InBetweenDays on Feb 1, 2023 16:36:14 GMT -5
DD (16) had her first boyfriend this fall and she initially "met" him through mutual friends on Instagram and SnapChat (he goes to a local private school - she goes to our neighborhood public school). Their first date (the first time they met in person) they did a double date with a friend of hers, but he did pick her up at our house and drove her to the movies where they met the other couple. We weren't home when he picked her up so we didn't get to meet him.
While we live in a major city, our neighborhood often feels very small so we had MANY "2 degrees of separation" from him/his family. Given what we had heard about him, the fact that we trust her, and that we have Life360 (so can track her) we felt comfortable with this.
Ugh, were starting to get there. DD1 (15 next month), was "talking" to a boy from her swim team for almost a year before they ended things. She isn't allowed to have a boyfriend yet, but I haven't set a hard and fast age, because that seems kind of arbitrary. She has two younger sisters and I don't want them to think that just because their sister had a BF at a certain age that means they can too. I think a lot of it has to do with maturity and trust, and how well I know the boy and his family.
In this case, his mom is one of my BFFs, so that wasn't really an issue. But 14 just seemed too young to have an official boyfriend, and she didn't seem in a hurry to give them a title. What can they really do at 14 anyway? We weren't going to let them spend time alone or go on dates. They did go to one school formal together and that was nice. They would facetime and text (no social media yet for either of them). Spend time together at school and practice. So they weren't lacking in time spent together.
So I mostly plan to just take it as it comes. She seems ok with that so far, which proves to me she is mature enough to entertain the thought when it comes.
And are they proposing he'll drive them, or are you dropping her off?
I don't have any mutual friends with parents. I don't know if my dd has mutual friends, she hasn't said so.
I was going to let them drive to the restaurant because it's literally on the other side of our neighborhood, we walk there in warmer months. I felt like this was a way to give a little freedom. We do have life 360.
We told her they can't go upstairs at all and have to stay on the main floor.
Post by InBetweenDays on Feb 1, 2023 16:52:16 GMT -5
DS (14 yesterday) also had a "girlfriend" recently - she goes to his middle school. Way different than DD since he obviously can't drive. But they'd go to her house to watch movies, come here to hang out, walked to our farmer's market or to get ice cream, took the bus to this underground/vintage mall and thrift store, etc. So we really don't have any hard and fast rules for either of them. We more make decisions as a situation presents itself.
Snapchat is THE way teens are meeting to date any more. I’ve let my oldest go out with boys she’s met on snap. Well I wasn’t at first so she would tell me she met them through a friend or at school or at like Target. But really it was all through snap (that she wasn’t even supposed to have at that point, but burner phones are easy to get). Anyway, I just meet them to make sure they aren’t some 45 year old pervert when they come to pick her up. She is always sharing location with me, that’s part of our deal of having a phone. And we have a code word for our kids in case they are in a situation that they need immediate rescuing from. If they use that word we will find them and get them ASAP no questions.
Honestly it’s been fine. The boys have all been nice and actually the age they said they were.
We don’t allow them to go into her room. She gets around that by not spending time with them here. Pretty sure literally no other teenage parents have that rule so she can just go to their house and does to get around it. Sigh.
Dating is a good normal teen thing to do. And trust me if you put too many hard rules around it they find ways anyway. It’s better to know who they are with.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
I guess I need to get familiar with Snapchat. I assumed it was like other social media and you interact with friends. I guess that isn’t always the case?
My immediate reaction is no but I don’t have a teen yet so I don’t feel like I can weigh in. I also married someone I met online so there’s that.
In a world with human trafficking running rampant and seemingly benign encounters are people being used as a cover or transport , I couldn’t imagine my child getting in the car with a stranger, or going on a solo date with a stranger.
I don’t think a teen should be going on what’s practically a blind date. I would only be ok considering this relationship with having them tag along to a family outing, local sporting event with a parent, and also meeting their parents.
Yeah, I tend toward the breezier end of the spectrum on this board but I would feel really uneasy with my kid going off somewhere with someone she's never met. Can they just hang out at your house and order takeout instead?
(Disclaimer: I don't have teens and have not yet had to navigate kids and social media use.)
But really it was all through snap (that she wasn’t even supposed to have at that point, but burner phones are easy to get).
I'm clutching my imaginary pearls that teens are buying burner phones.
To the OP, it really is what your family is comfortable with. DD is 15 but has zero interest in dating. I don't think I'd be comfortable with her going on a blind date with someone that she met on snapchat. But I also wouldn't allow her to be riding around in a teen's car anyways, I have zero faith in the driving ability of teenagers.
I don’t have teens, but if I were single as an adult in my mid-30s I don’t even think I’d feel comfortable getting in the car with someone I’d only met online.
But really it was all through snap (that she wasn’t even supposed to have at that point, but burner phones are easy to get).
I'm clutching my imaginary pearls that teens are buying burner phones.
To the OP, it really is what your family is comfortable with. DD is 15 but has zero interest in dating. I don't think I'd be comfortable with her going on a blind date with someone that she met on snapchat. But I also wouldn't allow her to be riding around in a teen's car anyways, I have zero faith in the driving ability of teenagers.
Well when snap is THE main way kids are communicating with each other and your parents won’t let you have it and feeling left out is THE WORST THING in the world, your friends with old phones will sell you one for $10-$20. Lesson learned for us the hard way. Do not underestimate the need to belong and fit in for teenagers.
ETA: I will also say that IME when teens are getting to know each other on snap, they spend A LOT of time getting to know each other before meeting in person. And a lot of that time is spent FaceTiming or the like. So yes, it’s like a blind date, it’s also not. They are going out with someone that they’ve spent hours with virtually already and for them, in this day and age, that’s basically the same as being in the same room together.
As for everyone saying you will never let your kid get in a car with another teenager, I think you will be surprised when you actually get to that stage. Black and white thinking doesn’t usually work with raising kids. From infants to teens, there are shades of gray all over.
My DD (15, 9th grade) has been dating a boy for nearly a year. They went to the same middle school but are now in different high schools. Neither of them drive, so we don't have to worry about that yet. In my state, a 16 year old cannot drive someone they are not related to, so I would not approve her getting into a car with him until they were 17. They mostly go for walks and hang out. That's just their style, I wouldn't mind them going out for meals or movies but I know him (and his parents). I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with your DDs plan, but that's just my parenting style.
But really it was all through snap (that she wasn’t even supposed to have at that point, but burner phones are easy to get).
I'm clutching my imaginary pearls that teens are buying burner phones.
((ahh I'm stuck in the box!!))
Oh this is a thing. I've heard of teens buying burner phones for their friends!!! Boys buying them for girls. omgggg. I hate that it's a thing but it very much is.
My oldest is only 12. I imagine our rules are no talking to strangers on the Internet, but I get that it happens.
If you don't know the person best bet is to meet at a public place, not have them drive.
I would say meet at home and stay there while you supervise, but I like the idea of meet at a public place for the college age set that don't live at home/ don't have parents there to supervise.
I don’t have teens, but if I were single as an adult in my mid-30s I don’t even think I’d feel comfortable getting in the car with someone I’d only met online.
Yea my now H asked to pick me up for our second date and I was like nope.
Reading this and realizing I’ve never been in a car with a teenaged driver lol My parents didn’t allow it then I wasn’t friends with kids anymore. For half a mile we would just walk anyway.
I’ve met people on the internet for a long time and wouldn’t be too worried about that but I wouldn’t want someone to be trapped in a car and potentially far away with someone they don’t know. I’d reverse it and have them hang out first and then go to dinner or get dessert or something. Then they could always bail on that if they don’t actually want to leave.
Post by ilikedonuts on Feb 2, 2023 12:28:12 GMT -5
I’m pretty easy breezy compared to a lot in this group, but I’d be a heck no on her getting in a car with someone she nor you have never met before to go somewhere. She can always meet him at the restaurant.
That being said I’m sure my kid will be riding in cars that her older friends are driving soon enough (if her friends sister or whoever wants to pick her up at 5am for morning practice and I don’t need to take her then I’m all for 😂) So I can’t judge that part.
The advice we got from the PTA presentation at middle school is "stay within 2 years age" which is both good guidance and -- they pointed out, I am not one of those weirdos tracks this stuff -- keeps everyone within statutory limits, but other that I would let my kid be a kid? You can give the lucky gentlemen the "be respectful, drive safely" talk when he picks your daughter up if you really feel like it?
(I realize this is somewhat gendered but you can't protect them from everything forever)
I would be really uncomfortable that they haven't met and no way would I allow her to ride in a car with him. In my state, that's illegal and something I strictly enforce with my own 16 year old.
I don't have any opposition to dating at that age though. I think I would drop her off and go in and meet the kid.
And are they proposing he'll drive them, or are you dropping her off?
I don't have any mutual friends with parents. I don't know if my dd has mutual friends, she hasn't said so.
I was going to let them drive to the restaurant because it's literally on the other side of our neighborhood, we walk there in warmer months. I felt like this was a way to give a little freedom. We do have life 360.
We told her they can't go upstairs at all and have to stay on the main floor.
Thanks for answering.
I have no problem with his age or even "dating" at their ages, but I'd ask them to make a different plan for the first meeting.
Post by bookqueen15 on Feb 2, 2023 17:41:05 GMT -5
As long as you would be meeting him when he came to pick her up before they went to the restaurant, I think I would be okay with that. But I met my DH online and even in HS, I met a boy at the mall who I had only talked to online and that was before it was cool, so it doesn't seem that unusual to me. But I don't have teens yet, so not sure how I will feel once mine are that age!
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
I would also be uneasy. I have a 15 year old and I definitely would not let her get in the car with a 16 year old driver, even if I knew the kid. It's also illegal in my state, probably for good reason. Can you drive her there/pick her up after and meet the kid beforehand? My 15 year old has no interest in dating yet, but I think I would be ok with that. Or even better, maybe your daughter and her date could meet up for dinner with another couple she's friends with.
Post by penguingrrl on Feb 2, 2023 17:57:38 GMT -5
I wouldn’t be okay with the car thing either. I forget that in most states kids can drive so young (in NJ you get a junior license at 17, full license at 18), and that absolutely adds some complexity in this situation.
Just like if I were meeting a blind date, I would have them meet at the restaurant instead of him picking her up.
Beyond that, I would be fine with my 15 year old dating if they were interested (they currently aren’t). At 15 I would have some idea of what’s going on and hope they’ll open up to me so we can discuss healthy and safe relationships. I met H on my 16th birthday, though we didn’t date until I was 18 (he’s a year younger, we were just good friends for years first).
I’ve also let them ride with friends who I already know as long as all laws are followed (the big one being only one passenger allowed for the first year of driving)