Another teen question

[mcsangel2]

Feb 7, 2023 10:07:51 GMT -5 brooklyn said:

I’m surprised at all the no Ubers. But I grew up in Manhattan and regularly took cabs with friends in high school. Ubers seem safer in that at least you can track them. I’m in the suburbs now with no license and I can’t tell you how much I spend on Uber. 😂

Uber and Lyft don't allow unaccompanied riders under 18. Any kids you know taking Ubers, their drivers are breaking the rules not confirming their age first.

[jinkies]

Feb 7, 2023 12:49:16 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

I'd even be ok with the 4 mile walk IF I knew about it ahead of time, knew who he was with, and there were sidewalks/it was a safe area. But again we live in an urban neighborhood where you can walk 4 miles all on sidewalks and not have to cross a road that is more than 30 mph.

Me too, honestly. I think it was a combination of factors with this particular situation that was giving me a bad feeling. He has ridden his bike more than 4 miles into town, but I knew the kid he was with, knew the route he was taking, knew what his plan was when he got there, and knew that it was mostly along a bike path. In this instance, he did not even know how far the walk was, just that the kid was saying the walk "wasn't bad." I only know the exact mileage because DS had given me the kid's address because he thought he'd be picked up there.

I actually had a really good talk with him last night. I spelled out the reasons that I was uncomfortable with what happened, and we talked about what the rules would be going forward. He understood why it looked bad from my perspective, and gave me some more details about what they were doing while hanging out which made me feel a lot better. He also admitted that the reason I hadn't heard about this kid before was because DS himself barely knew him. I guess he had accepted an invitation to hang out with a mutual friend, thought they were going to the mutual friend's house (note, this is when he texted me, and I said it was OK because the mutual friend IS someone that he talks about), then at the end of the day, the mutual friend was like, hey, actually we are going to Joe's to hang out, let's go. 

I don't think I would have been as worried if I had at least heard of this kid before. But I have bad anxiety about certain things and was having trouble distinguishing whether my concern was justified here or if he has just reached an age where he is going to be doing stuff that I don't get details about. 

Thanks everyone for weighing in! It helped clarify where some of my anxiety was coming from, and led to a good talk with DS last night.

[InBetweenDays]

jinkies , I'm glad you guys had a good talk and you're feeling better about it. You guys sound like you have a good relationship!

At this age it is a hard balance to know when to give them more freedom, squash our worries, and push our parenting comfort zone a bit to let them grow; and when to step in and say "um this is a truly bad idea and I don't think your teenage brain thought this through so I'm saying no". And that balance point is a moving target and relies on open communication.

[waverly]

jinkies , DH is more of a free range parent than me, and it got to the point that he was kind of mocking me. So I would second guess some of my decisions. But the truth was, I was absolutely right to have that anxious feeling. The intuition that we have is there for a reason. I had a CTJ talk with DH and he knocked off his bad behavior. But I also think he saw that hey yes, Waverly was right.  We had a specific situation I am alluding to where DS might have gotten frostbite if he had stayed outside much longer playing with his friends.  

[DotAndBuzz]

Hugs to all the teen parents. It's tough. I'll say that while there are some breezy parents out there, I find that most are just as confused as we are here, and are relieved when I reach out to discuss plans/say hello. There was even a situation that happened where I ASSumed the other parent was just super chill, and it almost ended very very badly.

PDQ

Older daughter and her friend made plans to be picked up after school from their exams before winter break by me. I took them to target, they walked around and got some snacks, I took them to my house, ordered pizza, and they had planned a sleepover. This had been in the works for about a week. Other kid has been to our house before, but I'd never communicated with her parents. It was always a drop-off situation where she'd just appear on my door/disappear into the driveway when they texted they were here. So I didn't even have their number (mistake #1)

Mistake #2 - trusting that 2 14-year olds did, in fact, clarify the plans with all adults involved. Reader, they did not. *I* was looped in because I was the driver, but the other parents *DID NOT KNOW THIS WAS HAPPENING.* So their daughter just.....didn't come home from school. Her babysitter went to pick her up, and only her sister came out from school. Little sister told the sitter that Friend went home with one of her friends, sitter told the mom "little sister said Friend is at her someone's house," but didn't know who, because sister didn't know who. Friend had told NO ONE in her family what was happening.

Friend then proceeded to ignore the mom's calls and texts, while happily chilling at my house. All the while I'm thinking "this is so great! These girls planned this whole evening on their own, coordinated everything, they're spreading their wings and becoming functional independent young adults!"

But about 9:30 I still haven't heard from the other mom, and I'm like, if there's an emergency, I need to know hot to contact her, and she needs to be able to contact me. So I ask Friend for her mom's number, and send a quick "hi, I'm XYZ mom, they're here, have been having a great time, we're free all day tomorrow so no rush on pick-up time. blah blah blah."

She calls me immediately from her car, ON THE WAY TO MY HOUSE, using "find my phone" to pinpoint her daughter's location because she didn't know where she was/what was happening. This poor woman was in a panic, and had been trying to contact her daughter for hours.

We had a good chat, she had a (likely not so good) chat with her daughter, and to my complete shock, let her stay. But yeah. Reach out to the parents, even if the kids seem to have it all locked down.

[jinkies]

OMG DotAndBuzz, I can't imagine how scared that girl's parents must have been!

A friend of mine actually had a similar situation with her son when he was maybe 16 or 17. The son invited a friend to go camping with them for a week. Two or three days into the trip, it comes out that the friend had never told his parents! It was kind of crazy story where the kid's parents were divorced and they both thought the kid was with the other parent for a day or two.

It is a good reminder to confirm with kids that their parents are in the loop about plans.

[eddy]

Teaching independence is really important to me. So with that, I have to put some trust into my kid. And just be prepared for him to make a decision I wouldn't like. To this point he has been very trustworthy and I really like his group of friends. 

I also have a freshman. 


Questions:

1. Do you require that an adult is home when hanging out with friends? How do you confirm if you don't know the parents? No, this started this year. I no longer verify. Well I do if there is an overnight, but not just hanging out. They often just end up at someone's house. I don't text the parents to see if an adult is there. 

2. Are there any rules around hanging out with friends that you don't know? This hasn't really been an issue yet since he can't drive. 
3. Would you let your kid uber with friends? I think so? I would need to know more specifics. I would entertain the idea.

4. If they want to walk or ride bikes, are there limits to how far you would allow them to go? No, my son routinely runs 8-9 miles a day. So I am pretty okay with him going where his legs can carry him. We live in a very central location so it is easy to walk downtown, to the grocery store etc. His friends do it often. High school is really close. So moving around is normal. I guess if he ended up in like the town over I would be like, ummm how did that happen? So far I am fine with the decisions he has made.

[dochas]

Feb 7, 2023 13:00:05 GMT -5 mcsangel2 said:

Feb 7, 2023 10:07:51 GMT -5 brooklyn said:

I’m surprised at all the no Ubers. But I grew up in Manhattan and regularly took cabs with friends in high school. Ubers seem safer in that at least you can track them. I’m in the suburbs now with no license and I can’t tell you how much I spend on Uber. 😂

Uber and Lyft don't allow unaccompanied riders under 18. Any kids you know taking Ubers, their drivers are breaking the rules not confirming their age first.

I thought that was the rule, but I wonder how well it's followed? A parent sent an uber to pick a kid up from my son's school the other day. I don't really know how they found out because my son just walks out and meets me in the parking lot. Maybe someone noticed the uber idling at the curb in front of the school? They ran out and were like "get the hell out of here" and took the kid back inside. LOL

I grew up in Brooklyn and we had car service instead of cabs and we didn't take them with friends in high school.