I am rattled. DNQ

[campermom]

Poof.

[SusanBAnthony]

He was being a bully and an asshole but I don't know if there is anything concrete he did to get in legal trouble. I 100% believe you about how he actually acted but a different person could easily have done the same thing (been confused about what event it was and asked a lot of questions and thought they should go in) in a non-asshole way.

That said I don't know anything about how that legal decision is made in mediation or court.

[Patsy Baloney]

He made a huge ass of himself. What a choad.

I don’t have any advice as far as documenting and if it’s worthwhile in this case, but I did want to say that I’m sorry that happened.

[sonrisa]

Ugh. Your son is lucky to have you.

Is he Catholic? I’m not, and even I know you go into a confessional ALONE.

[pumpkincat]

I'd definitely document this for your lawyer. It's yet another power control move (made especially annoying since he obviously had no idea what was going on with the ritual).

You did a great job handling it. As did the coordinator.

If he doesn't want physical custody and only wants legal custody for control (because we all know that's what this is), is there any way to prevent him from attending things? I normally wouldn't suggest such a thing, but obviously he a) does not have the best interest of the kids at heart and b) uses these situations to be a narcissistic controlling asshole.

[scm1011]

I’m so sorry, that all sounds incredibly stressful for you and your son. As a former Catholic, I understand why it was very weird he brought his parents to Reconciliation. I honestly don’t think either of my parents were even there for mine. It sounds like was trying to assert some parental power (or power over you, or both).

I’d document and maybe ask the church person to do the same and then let you lawyer decide what to do with it. I’m sorry you’re rattled; I would be too.

[campermom]

Poof

[namasteak]

( would ask the coordinator to summarize what she saw and submit it to the mediator.

[icedcoffee]

Did you have to tell him about reconciliation? I only ask because I kind of feel like because you told them about it they assumed it was a bigger deal than it is. I wouldn’t have told them and if it came up later just been like “oh it’s really NBD. It’s a nonparticipatory thing.”

[erbear]

Ugh. I’m so sorry he continues to be so difficult and awful. I think I might ask the coordinator to write up her observations just so you have them.

[sofamonkey]

Mar 4, 2023 19:00:35 GMT -5 namasteak said:

( would ask the coordinator to summarize what she saw and submit it to the mediator.

Yes, I agree with this. Have them write out a statement in their own words. Facts only, not a time for dramatization, etc. and I’d also suggest you do one, and file those with your lawyer.

I also agree with PB - he’s made an as dog himself and is a total choad.

I’m sorry, none of you deserve this.

[campermom]

Mar 4, 2023 19:24:28 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Did you have to tell him about reconciliation? I only ask because I kind of feel like because you told them about it they assumed it was a bigger deal than it is. I wouldn’t have told them and if it came up later just been like “oh it’s really NBD. It’s a nonparticipatory thing.”

Poof

Also he is not Catholic.

[VillainV]

I’m so sorry that he disrupted this important religious ritual for your son. If he didn’t understand the ritual, he should have either asked or googled it; it’s not hard to figure these things out with a little research. But he didn’t care to, because he has no desire to understand or support his child on this religious journey. He just wants to control.

I don’t know if this would be usable in court as he tries to gain legal custody, but it’s worth writing it up (and seeing if the coordinator will write it up) in case your lawyer thinks it would be useful.

[blondemoment123]

Ugh I'm sorry.
What a piece of work.

[rosiebear]

Christ what an asshole.

I’m not sure it’s worth writing up in detail, because so much of it seems like you had to be there to really get the tone and obnoxiousness. Maybe just note that he showed up, brought his parents despite being asked not to because it made your son feel self conscious, then insisted on going in despite being asked not to, leading your son to feel uncomfortable, and made disparaging remarks about you to your son.

[joy]

So, he wants legal custody of the kids but not physical?

In what world would a judge give that?

I’m actually impressed that him saying you’re bossy is the worst your son has heard from him about you.

I would document from a stand point that he wants to veto mental health for the children and yet actively undermines/attempts to alienate you from the kids. Mental health is paramount when there is an abusive parent.

Your exhusband wants control and power in every situation. Details are immaterial. Document, file it, and keep moving forward.

EDiT - details of the situation are immaterial him; he wants to control whatever it is. That’s what I was trying to say but it came like you documenting the details was not necessary. Oops. Write down all the details!

[sadlebred]

I'd go for full custody. He has not parental skills and his "parenting" sounds detrimental to the kids. I wish you COULD go for full custody.......maybe with supervised visitation only for him.

[momin2013]

I always read your posts about your ongoing struggles with this but rarely have suggestions (although I truly wish I did have a magic answer that would fix this all for you). Sending you virtual hugs and support.

All I can say is, remember that your kids are smart human beings; they absolutely know what is going on, and what (ie who) the problem is here. They know you are a great mom, are doing your best to make a tough situation work, and they will always remember that. Keep on keeping on for their sake and yours, and have faith that eventually everything will turn out ok.

I know it gets tiring, but the best thing you can do is to continue to be the better person here and rise above his ridiculousness as best as you can (and document, document, document, which I know must be exhausting). People will always see the situation for what it is, so you need to continue to take the high road. So many hugs. Damn what an idiot he is.

[thejen626]

You need to take all of this to the judge/mediator/attorney, whoever. I am so sorry that he’s such a prick.

You are a great mom.

Personally I’d document everything and stop telling him things. If he wants to find out, he can sign up for the emails, reminders, etc and start showing up to things on his own.

[chickadee77]

Wow. Just.

Like pp said, ask if coordinator would be willing to do a written statement. Either way, a huge thank you (my gut says you probably can't even buy them a coffee, though, without your ex turning it into a bribe).

I get he's a narcissistic SOB but how clueless. I'm not Catholic but hell, this stuff is almost part of western culture at this point.

I am so sorry and horrified that you continue to deal with this AH. For real. I can't imagine the mental exhaustion you must deal with. ENORMOUS kudos to you.

[cleo29]

He is such a fucking asshole. I would definitely pass this on to your lawyer. Do you think the coordinator would be willing to also turn something in saying what she witnessed and her own interaction with him? She doesn't have a dog in the fight, so perhaps her input would offer a non-biased view and be helpful.

[livinitup]

That was a lot.

::Hugs::

It is stunning to follow along the story and see how he made everything about himself. From bringing his parents for an audience, to using their blundering to belittle you, to busting INTO the confessional, really everything- in detail & taken as a whole is stunning & remarkable. He really is a master at being the center of attention, a victim, and a mess.

I can feel your anxiety at every step. And it’s honestly earned. It really is and for that I’m sorry. I’m also Catholic so I know the 1st Holy Communion is next (and coming up). You mentioned it in your story, too. If any good came from this afternoon is that it’s a preview of what is to come for that day. He’ll be just as clueless and demanding of attention. Please give yourself permission to let him blunder and not do anything. He doesn’t listen to you and only holds it against you. You really can give yourself permission to ignore all of it. I mean the man WALKED INTO THE CONFESSIONAL and argued with the coordinator. There is nothing you can do.

The two pews for the two families sounds like a good start. Do you get to pick your mass? Have plans for after? I really hope it goes well.

As for confirmation- that’s really your children’s choice. If any of them want to pursue the 2-year preparation they can do that through the parish and with limited support from you, at least a good parish program. And if they don’t, well, that’s that. I don’t mean to diminish your real fears of future bile from your Ex, only that it has many moving parts and solutions, too.

I wish I could send real hugs. That was awful.

[cville]

I hate this guy. I know that's not helpful. But I don't have anything else helpful to offer that hasn't been said.

Just ugh.

[campermom]

livinitup your response was widely validating. I mean they all were. But yours especially.

poof

[maudefindlay]

Has the new wife made things worse or just more of the same?

[meanie]

Ahhh he sounds like such a shit.

You handled this really well, I agree with getting the written summary of you can, having it come from an outside party will bolster anything you say.

As for confirmation, that is up to your kid anyways so it's not really something you are having your kid do or not do. He sounds like the type who will make a stink over any "event" under the guise of being a parent but really it's all about him.

[campermom]

Poof

[aprilsails]

I am so sorry he made something personal for your child all about himself.

I don’t have any good advice that hasn’t been given but I want to give you a big hug and tell you that you’re doing the right thing and that at some point, hopefully sooner than later, he will give up. He will stop wanting to be involved at all.

I really hope the mediator/judge laugh him out of court, but I’m still so sorry that you’re having to go through such a stressful and expensive process. I’m also sorry he is putting your children’s mental health at risk. What as asshole.

[stemmie]

I am so sorry you continue to deal with his self-important drama.

A light edit of what you wrote would be appropriate for sure.

I don't know if this helps, but my ex-BIL is like this with his soon-to-be 3rd ex and their 2 sons. He gets angry about some petty decision the mom made and has an over-the-top reaction in public and often with people who are providing care or enrichment for his sons. He has been banned by 2 Karate Dojos, the Boy Scouts of America, a YMCA camp and her HOA recreation complex that I know of.

[sent]

I'm sorry campermom. Big hugs. What makes me mad in your situation is that the rules require giving the other side a fair chance. I guess if the roles were reversed where a narcissist mother had charmed everyone through the process to have mostly full control over the kids and the father was fighting because he could see through it and the kids needed mental healthcare, I sort of get it.

Mental health is such a mess yet so important. Good for you on taking care of your kids and all of their medical needs, mental and physical.

Unrelated, I thought that "narthex" was a typo but then when you used the word a second time, I had to go look it up.