Post by maudefindlay on Mar 5, 2023 8:52:08 GMT -5
Ok, at least she isn't mean to them, but the med issue is a danger imho. You know you are in the right and I guarantee your kids are seeing that too. Your Ex can say whatever he wants, but he is wrong every time.
Your lawyer must love him. It’s not often you actually get to litigate against a cartoon villain. And that’s exactly what he is. Yes, write it up. Ask the coordinator to write it up. Film communion, including any bullshit he pulls.
And if he brings up confirmation (which would require him to actually know when confirmation classes etc are supposed to begin… fat chance), you can let him know that after First Communion, a child’s religious choices belong to the child. Especially a choice to receive a sacrament or not. They cannot be forced to be confirmed. And I’m sure if they express interest in being confirmed, you’ll support them.
campermom - I am very close to people in your situation. I feel you.
When it comes to the First Communion party, the goal is honesty with your kids but not brutal honesty. If he says “but she will not let me” then you can honestly tell them “it is in the best interest of both mom and dad to do things separately for a bit. Just as we each have our parenting time that we respect, we also must respect these boundaries in other social situations for now. I wish it wasn’t but here we are. Your dad knows these rules as well as I do but choose to voice his frustrations in unhealthy ways. We both love and are here to support you. If you have more questions, please ask me.”
I am not Catholic so forgive me not knowing. If it is a non participatory event, then I don't think I would keep them informed. Again, not knowing the actual process of going through the steps, my take is that confession is something that is available to church members, and is not a big deal. And usually in conjunction with mass due to priest availability. Of course for the first time it is, but not something needed to inform the other parent especially if it is already written in the decree that they will be raised Catholic. So in steps going forward, I think I would tell him those events that are participatory. For example, if he is OK with them attending mass per the divorce decree than confession is included in that. I get it is a bigger deal than I am making it, but since he isn't Catholic then he doesn't need to know that the first time is a bigger deal.
Post by ProfessorArtNerd on Mar 5, 2023 11:11:31 GMT -5
I agree with pps who noted that Confirmation will probably be a non-issue, since he likely doesn't know when prep for that begins. He's an absolute nightmare, I can't wait til he loses interest in torturing you all.
You also do not have to reply, but does he treat the kids all the same? Many abusive parents will pick a favorite. That child then doesn’t “experience” the abusive parent the same as the others. The others see what is happening or simply feel “bad” while the golden child is like “you guys are crazy! Abusive parent is awesome.”
It’s a deeply troubling dynamic as it puts wedges in between the kids themselves. Abusive parent is also putting wedges between you and the kids with disparaging comments about you. It’s all a game to divide and conquer because CONTROL is what matters to the abusive parent.
You know all this, I’m sure. The best you can do it not react badly in front of them, calmly answer their questions honestly, and always be the comforting place to land for them.
My only advice is in regards to the Communion. You mentioned back to back pews, if that means behind you I would try to have them moved to a pew in the same row but different section. It will give them 1 less thing to bitch about since they are definitely not going to want you in a "better" seat. You also don't want them to be able to irritate your other children with their chatter right behind them.
I know you want to protect your children but nothing will stop his behavior so leave the rules in the hands of the church coordinators. Instead of telling him he could not go into the confessional, which he did anyway, you should have just let him try and get thrown out. Obviously you didn't know that then but you do now and so does everyone in the church including the priest. When they behave inappropriately at the Communion (you know they are going to try stand on the altar WHILE he receives to get a picture!) leave it to the church to deal with. Tell your children that people can only be responsible for THEIR OWN behavior and not to be embarrassed by the actions of others, over whom they have no control.
My only advice is in regards to the Communion. You mentioned back to back pews, if that means behind you I would try to have them moved to a pew in the same row but different section. It will give them 1 less thing to bitch about since they are definitely not going to want you in a "better" seat. You also don't want them to be able to irritate your other children with their chatter right behind them.
I know you want to protect your children but nothing will stop his behavior so leave the rules in the hands of the church coordinators. Instead of telling him he could not go into the confessional, which he did anyway, you should have just let him try and get thrown out. Obviously you didn't know that then but you do now and so does everyone in the church including the priest. When they behave inappropriately at the Communion (you know they are going to try stand on the altar WHILE he receives to get a picture!) leave it to the church to deal with. Tell your children that people can only be responsible for THEIR OWN behavior and not to be embarrassed by the actions of others, over whom they have no control.
This is good advice- I was going to suggest maybe letting them sit in the row in front of you so they can’t taunt you from behind, but across another aisle would be even better.
If he wants to celebrate his sons first communion, he is free to do so during his time. No one says there can’t be two parties/celebratory events. This happens all the time in divorced families.
Would this be a good situation for a guardian ad litem? Someone to collect the information from both sides and then advocate for the best interests of the kids?
If he wants to celebrate his sons first communion, he is free to do so during his time. No one says there can’t be two parties/celebratory events. This happens all the time in divorced families.
Would this be a good situation for a guardian ad litem? Someone to collect the information from both sides and then advocate for the best interests of the kids?
A thought: start using the language of "we have two separate celebrations because that's what works best for our family, thus naturally your dad will not be at communion/b day party/whatever else. You will celebrate with him at his house. Sometimes there will be two celebrations and sometimes just mom or just dad will celebrate and that's all perfectly normal." so that if he says something to the kids they will already have a frame of reference for what will be happening and why.
Courts notoriously do not understand emotional abuse well. Their goal is to maintain relationships with children for both parents as much as humanly possible outside of physical abuse.
The system can be incredibly useless in these situations.
I agree this probably won’t matter to “the system,” unfortunately. But I would get it all documented anyway. To me, it fits the pattern of him making no effort to understand the situatIon, then sowing chaos and disruption, followed by gaslighting. that must be absolutely infuriating on so many levels.
If I were the church worker, I would have found it physically painful to watch him willingly embarrass himself so thoroughly
Post by tarzanswife on Mar 6, 2023 13:57:41 GMT -5
I am sorry Camper Mom, you are doing all the right things and he is such an ass. I would document and agree with the other posters to have the coordinator document as well and send to your lawyer. I would also discuss with your lawyer how much you need to keep him in the loop on these items, especially if he is going to be disruptive to the whole process. You are an excellent mom and your kids see that. Many hugs to you during this time.
((( campermom ))) I don't have advice beyond what has already been shared but wanted to say that you are an awesome mom and I'm sorry this d-bag continues to create chaos for you and your kids.
I'd be so batshit pissed I would probably do something I'd need to go to confession for myself. You were extremely calm given the situation.
I would document, mostly because of his interaction with the coordinator, as it's part of a pattern of him causing problems for outside people who are involved in helping/interacting with your child.
I agree with PP that I'd let all of them dig their own graves at 1st communion. I would tell the coordinator (assuming it's the same person) that it didn't go well last time when you tried to help them out with what was expected, so you're staying out of it this time, heads up they will likely be inappropriate. Tell your kid you hope they behave themselves but neither you nor he can be responsible for their behavior.
I'm so sorry for you and your DS. This is supposed to be about happiness and joy and feeling proud of your kid, and I'm sorry you (and your DS) don't get to just be in the moment.