Please let me know if you think this is a big deal or not.
My son and his friend were hanging out together yesterday, they are 9/10 yo. They were at kid A's house, playing minecraft, legos, etc. There is one parent and no other siblings at the house. Kid B's parent comes to pick him up at the appointed time. Kid A's parent is sleeping (on a couch in the next room) and doesn't wake up at any point when Kid B's parent arrives, picks up the kid, and they leave.
On the one hand, at a sleepover the parents are not awake the whole time and that is acceptable. On the other hand, it appears as if kids are being left unsupervised. If you are Kid B's parent, does this bother you? Maybe at this age it's ok?
mpc , Many people leave their 9/10 year olds home alone, so I wouldn't be clutching pearls per se that the adult is napping.
However, maybe a bit alarming that one picked up their child, and the parent slept so deeply that they never woke up. If I am hosting a playdate I am awake the whole time and greeting parents at the door etc. If I offer to host then it is presumed that I am supervising and awake. I also have an overinflated sense of responsibility so there is that.
Is there something else going on that would cause them to sleep so deeply such as drug or alcohol use? At a sleepover, everyone knows the parents would be sleeping because it is night time. I hosted 2 sleepover parties this year, and yes I was asleep while the kids were awake, but the parents knew this would be the case, and were OK with it because that is kind of the definition of a sleepover.
I don't think I would care if the parent went to lay down and the kid knew they could wake them if needed.
I would be more embarrassed that I slept through all of the picking up.
One time my kid had a friend over and I went upstairs to lay down. I never fell asleep, but I had a terrible headache and didn't sleep well. I more just wanted quiet than anything. She's 9.
Post by penguingrrl on Mar 6, 2023 13:43:05 GMT -5
I feel like 10 is a weird age with regards to supervision. They’re still fairly young, but in my town they have also aged out of aftercare (ends after 4th, when the kids move to middle school for 5th). On the surface I think it’s fine.
However, in reality I would wonder if the parent was a little sick or had worked an overnight shift or something because otherwise them being asleep during the day strikes me as unusual.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
At that age, I would not have an issue but would maybe be weirded out if I didn't know Kid A/Parent A well.
But, like pp said, many leave 9/10yo home alone from anywhere from taking the dog on a quick walk to an hour trip to the grocery.
ETA: I don't think taking a nap or being a deep sleeper means they are ill or a substance abuser. Naps are glorious & most adults don't get enough sleep. Have a solid weekend nap to catch up can be a healthy thing.
I’d be fine with it. With shift work and the general malaise of existence these days I understand the need to nap during the day. 10-ish is my age for giving kids some independence and letting them roam. Most kids would know to wake up the adult.
If no other concerns, then not a big deal. I also think the maturity of the children matter too but generally 9/10 year olds should be fine to be alone and notify an adult if there’s an issue.
If no other concerns, then not a big deal. I also think the maturity of the children matter too but generally 9/10 year olds should be fine to be alone and notify an adult if there’s an issue.
Post by InBetweenDays on Mar 6, 2023 13:51:50 GMT -5
That would not bother or concern me. Especially if I knew the parent/family. As others have said I'm sure the kids would wake the adult up if there was a need.
It wouldn’t bother me if the kids were hanging out while the parent slept. 10 is when I started leaving DS1 alone while I ran quick errands. I assume both kids could have woke the napping parent if there was an emergency.
As a type A person with anxiety, if I had kids in my house I probably would have set an alarm or timer so I knew parent B would be picking up their kids in 15 min so I definitely would have woke up when that went off.
Agree with the above that the kids are old enough to be mostly on their own and wake up the parent if needed. I would probably be a little embarrassed if I were the sleeping parent though.
I honestly don't see it as different from a parent who is on a work call with the door closed. They are in the house, available in case of emergency, but not providing direct oversight.
While reading, I thought this was leading up to the parent not being home - like a trip to the super market or something. IAs the visiting kid’s parent, I’d worry about that unless I was told ahead of time and gave permission. Sleeping on the couch does not seem like a violation of trust in supervision for a play date.
My H easily wakes up (st any time of the day or night) and I sleep like the dead, even for naps. I could sleep through the commotion of a parent pick-up.
OK thank you all for some perspective! We are family A. My husband was the one here with the kids and he fell asleep. I was mortified when he told me later. He was more like "well, I guess I feel a little bad, but...". I spoke with the mom today and she wasn't bothered. We've known each other (through work) for a long time. But play dates like this are new to my son for various reasons, and I didn't want to mess it up with the other family. I was pretty unhappy with my husband last night.
I'd be jealous of Parent A assuming they weren't ill. If I were Parent A I might feel a little funny I missed seeing Parent B but only if we weren't relatively close. Maybe A had late night or super early morning at work.
Definitely not a big deal. I am the queen of day naps, but I don’t think I nap that deeply. That might concern me a little bit. But as someone else said, unless there’s concerns of being passed out due to drug or alcohol use, there may be a legit reason why the parent was that tired and that deep asleep.
If I were that parent, I’d be terribly embarrassed, though! Just because, as you said, I would want to be able to greet the other parents.
DD2 is 10; she and her friends roam the neighborhood on their own until sundown. If they are at my house, I am never asleep but I don't really supervise them. I know where they are in the house and unless they need me, I do my own thing.
Post by emilyinchile on Mar 6, 2023 14:12:20 GMT -5
I think it's probably ok from a supervision point of view, but it feels WEIRD. We've all fallen asleep on a couch, but when there's a specific time that you know someone is coming over wouldn't you set an alarm? Or have the rule with your kids that they can't just open the door without waking you up? (Maybe this second part is overkill at that age)
ETA: sorry, I just saw you're A! Not trying to be mean, I started typing before we had that info.
in no way would this bother me. I took a 10 minute cat nap last week when S had a playdate over. They are 5 and 6. (before you come at me, my door was open and I told them to continue playing in their playroom so I could rest for 10 minutes but that they could wake me up if they needed anything. I am a light sleeper so I could hear them as I dozed. I literally dozed for 10 minutes and then we were up and going to our activity.)
I think it’s weird, and this would bother me unless this is a family we knew super well already. It is still a pretty big deal for my 10 year old to go on a play date here as we have to drive her to someone’s house and drop her off. There’s definitely a norm/expectation that the parents will chat in the doorway at drop off and pick up, and that someone will be home. So… Maybe different of my kid was riding her bike down the block a couple houses to a friend’s house, where she hung out a lot. For the type of play dates, we usually have here, this would be super weird, and I would also be wondering why the parent didn’t even wake up when I came to pick up my child.
ETA: I see your family is A! If you followed up, and explained that he was super tired, and just happened to doze off, and felt sorry that he missed pick up, then I would feel fine about it.
I agree on not dangerous but weird. If I were the parent I probably would have texted the other parent to say "hey, I had a late night last night - do you mind if I nap in the next room while the kids play? They of course can wake me up in the event of an emergency" - mainly so the picking up parent doesn't expect to see me when they come get their kid.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Mar 6, 2023 14:22:25 GMT -5
I agree that it wouldn’t be a norm, but I wouldn’t necessarily red flag it. I would remind my child they shouldn’t be answering the door without waking me up though.
And you know there is always more to the story, right. My husband's napping has been a point of contention in our marriage for many years. He naps every day, regardless of if he slept 6 hours the previous night or 11. Yesterday he slept in AND had already taken a nap before lunch. So when I heard he fell asleep again I was upset. And yes he had had a drink (been drinking?) before falling asleep. So yeah. We argued about it last night. He says my expectations for him are too high. I said it can't get much lower than "stay awake".
And of course overnight both him and our youngest daughter came down with an awful stomach bug. He especially is pretty sick today. So that probably contributed to what happened last night. And like I said earlier, the other mom wasn't even phased by it. So maybe I am just the asshole this time?
Anyway, there's a lot of baggage and history here, so I do appreciate the perspectives with those factors removed.
We rarely go to the door anymore to pick up DD, nor do her friends parents, so that wouldn't phase me at all. I do try to wave out the door but the kids (10) pretty much handle themselves these days, especially since they often ride bikes between houses so picking up only occurs if they decide to walk home with a friend after school. They arrange their own playdates, for lack of a better word, these days so I feel like there is less responsibility on me to be involved.
That said, I totally get why you are frustrated with your DH.
Has your husband been checked for sleep apnea? My dad would fall asleep at work meetings and was always napping. My mom was so mad. Turns out that he was barely getting any sleep at night and had severe apnea.