Hi - I am looking for perspectives on this. I've been married for 15 years and our two kids are now teenagers. They have been acting out (normal teenage attitude, etc., but it feels like it never ends), and it is affecting our marriage. Lately, every time we have a conversation/argument with our kids about something and then they leave the room, my husband turns on me and blames me for the conflict.
We had an issue last night with our daughter and I thought we were on the same page explaining to her why she can't use her phone in her room late at night. She was flipping out and arguing with us, then she said she hates us... As soon as we left he started telling me that it's my fault she got so upset, why do these things always have to come up at night when everyone needs to sleep, why do I keep repeating myself, everyone is sick of me saying the same thing over and over, etc. It's so mean. And this keeps happening - I think we are a team when in conversation with the kids, but then they leave and he turns on me. It makes me feel like he hates me.
Any advice or commiseration? Today, he's basically saying he didn't comment on me repeating myself (he did) but he still says he blames me for the fact that the conflict escalated. He said he's sorry but he does. I'm not sure what he expected. She's a hormonal 13 year old - she wasn't going to just hand over her phone and go quietly back to her room when we told her she had to hang up.
I just blew up at him and told him when he's alone because I walked out and the kids are still acting like jerks and he's all alone to deal with it, he won't have me to blame :-(
What is he doing in the moment? Sitting back? Also contributing? Is he making you do the dirty work then critiquing you after the fact?
His feedback is unhelpful and it doesn't sound like he is interested in being introspective. He just doesn't like the uncomfortablness of conflict and it is easiest to blame you.
Do you find you match these situations with elevated emotionas as well? Is that what he is talking about? It is so hard to keep your emotionsl pushed down with kids. I have a habit of elevating.
My BFF and her partner are dealing with similar issues with their teens. Basically they are disagreeing on how to parent them or deal with these tough situations. They got into emergency couple's counseling through our EAP and it has made a HUGE difference. They were truly at the point of separation but did therapy as a last ditch effort and so far it has really helped.
Maybe that is an option for you guys, if you want it to be?
What about you say next time there is a conflict you are going to tell him the outcome needed (she needs to not have her phone now) and you think you’d like to try an experiment where you leave the house and take a drive and when you come back 15 minutes later obviously she won’t have her phone anymore and there won’t have been an escalation, she will be peacefully in bed, then you can discuss how he handled it to have such a positive outcome.
I would definitely sit back and say nothing during the next conflict and let him do all the lifting.
I would absolutely do this.
I would even remove myself from the situation.
Ditto. I read your post and if I was in the situation, I would be pretty defensive. And next time I'd probably walk away and say you think you can do better, then you handle it. But that's probably not the healthiest behavior LOL.
I second the suggestion for therapy if you want to try handling it more maturely than I would.
You've gotten good feedback. How about sitting with your H and setting up rules for the kids? That way, you are both on the same page. Let your teens know about the rules. Also, decide how to enforce these rules when your teens are acting up. If everyone is on the same page when not in an argument, this might be easier.
So we certainly get mad at each other and disagree, but do not ever just flippantly throw out the possibility of ending our marriage and tearing apart our family, even in the heat of an argument. That’s just a line we don’t cross. Counseling might help you develop more healthy ways to handle conflict, both with each other and with your teen.
You've gotten good feedback. How about sitting with your H and setting up rules for the kids? That way, you are both on the same page. Let your teens know about the rules. Also, decide how to enforce these rules when your teens are acting up. If everyone is on the same page when not in an argument, this might be easier.
I agree - there's also a lot of teen issues to come you will need to be united on. My DH & I are currently on opposite sides of a driving issue. It's quite challenging at time in our marriage.
And yes, have your H lay out some of the rules to your teens as well. He needs to be active parent in setting the rules and not just a bystander parent while you do the talking.
I'd also recommend finding a good book on teens/ teen behavior. I think some of this is that your DH doesn't really seem to understand that your kids behavior is normal.
How does he think you should have handled it? Why didn't he handle it himself?
My husband and I are a good team, and always on the same page. However, if he ever critiqued how I handled something to the point I felt he was being mean and not constructive (I get it, no one is perfect and he can let me know if he thinks I'm wrong about something, but without being a jerk), I'd let him field the next disaster solo.
I'd also recommend finding a good book on teens/ teen behavior. I think some of this is that your DH doesn't really seem to understand that your kids behavior is normal.
I agree. I doubt he fully understands the hell that often is mother daughter relationships in teen years. She is probably harder on you than she is on him.
I'd also recommend finding a good book on teens/ teen behavior. I think some of this is that your DH doesn't really seem to understand that your kids behavior is normal.
I agree. I doubt he fully understands the hell that often is mother daughter relationships in teen years. She is probably harder on you than she is on him.
This, too, is a good point. I am usually the target of our tween daughter's wildly drastic mood swings.
One time, she targeted my husband and he was genuinely crushed, like how could she turn on him. I welcomed him to the wild ride and told him to hang on. Still its mostly directed at me, but now he is a bit more sympathetic to the mother daughter dynamic.
I'd also recommend finding a good book on teens/ teen behavior. I think some of this is that your DH doesn't really seem to understand that your kids behavior is normal.
I agree. I doubt he fully understands the hell that often is mother daughter relationships in teen years. She is probably harder on you than she is on him.
Yes or just the alignment of similar personalities. If the parent and child handle situations similar, they are going to rub up against each other. Knowing these types of things tells you what parent is better equiped to handle the conflict.
I have no issue saying "That is a dad thing. Go find him and talk to him about it." It isn't about not handling the conflict, we just have figured out who is better either handling the emotion of the moment or is going to have the better outcome. Or if you suspect your kid is manipulating you, making them handle it with the parent they will be less successful with the manipulation.
So many good points. My thoughts are: 1) discuss this with him when your not in the heat of the moment- maybe get a counselor involved. 2) set up rules and discuss how to enforce 3) let him take more of the lead 4) read and/or get counseling on dealing with teens
Kids issues are so tough. We are mostly on the same page about rules but enforcement/discussions can get contentious. I don’t always love H’s approach so he lets me take over when talking to the kids but I’m saying the things we already agreed upon.
One more thing- DD loves to argue so we practice sitting her down, making our points, and then disengaging with her. If it’s a discussion, fine we will let her say her piece but sometimes it’s just not a discussion and we have to not get pulled into the fight.
Good luck! This reads as a very dire situation so I hope you all can get this figured out.
I think you need to be on the same page and have a big discussion about what to do when your daughter starts this at night so I'm not putting blame on you either way - but do you say the same things over and over again? My husband used to do this and it did escalate things. His teenaged niece lived with him when we were dating. This was years ago so it was fighting about getting a phone and not using one, but he would do the same for a lot of issues. She asked for a phone and he said no and there were many reasons she should not have had a phone. She would just keep asking and he would go on and on and round and round and she would keep it up until he exploded and she would run off in tears. This would repeat more than once a day. I finally said if the answer is no, stop talking about it. Every time she tried to bring it up he'd say "We've already discussed this". I agree with you and your husband deciding what the rules are, going over them with the kids along with what the consequences are with breaking them. The phone is handed over at the time you set, stand there silently with your hands out waiting and if it isn't given over it is not returned the next day. There's still going to be histrionics for sure, but they will all be coming from her.
DS had big behavioral problems. DH and I wanted to take him to a counselor, but the counselor wanted a few sessions with just us first. He worked with us on how not to escalate, how to respond when DS tries to escalate. I can't even explain how helpful that was for the whole family. It was amazing. And then later he had time with DS to work on what he could do to not escalate, but as the parents, we really needed to hear it more than DS did. Which is jus a long way of me agreeing with everyone else who said therapy.
I think you need to be on the same page and have a big discussion about what to do when your daughter starts this at night so I'm not putting blame on you either way - but do you say the same things over and over again? My husband used to do this and it did escalate things. His teenaged niece lived with him when we were dating. This was years ago so it was fighting about getting a phone and not using one, but he would do the same for a lot of issues. She asked for a phone and he said no and there were many reasons she should not have had a phone. She would just keep asking and he would go on and on and round and round and she would keep it up until he exploded and she would run off in tears. This would repeat more than once a day. I finally said if the answer is no, stop talking about it. Every time she tried to bring it up he'd say "We've already discussed this". I agree with you and your husband deciding what the rules are, going over them with the kids along with what the consequences are with breaking them. The phone is handed over at the time you set, stand there silently with your hands out waiting and if it isn't given over it is not returned the next day. There's still going to be histrionics for sure, but they will all be coming from her.
There was definitely some of this going on. I explained the rules, she said "why", I explained again, she said "but why?" and that went on for a while. So I did repeat myself and I should have just said the discussion was over sooner than I did and then stopped talking to her about it. I eventually did say ok that's enough and I went into my room. I should have done it sooner though.,
The only escalation in behavior was on her side, I didn't raise my voice or explode in any way. We were calm; she was yelling at us.
He was agreeing with me during the conversation. He wasn't silent, he was saying the exact same things as me and he didn't try to end the conversation any sooner than I did, It wasn't until she said she hates us and I walked away that he got mad at me. I feel hurt because we were saying the same things to her but suddenly she says she hates us, he gets upset, and follows me to tell me what a bad job I did.
We are going to find a counselor. He's open to it and willing. Thanks everyone.
I think you definitely need to take a big step back and find a way to have a calm, productive conversation-- and perhaps that needs to happen with the support of a therapist. You need to be a team, no matter what. Is it possible that your in-the-moment reactions to your teens might be more effective if you change your approach? I have no idea not having witnessed anything and not knowing backstory etc. But even in that case, there needs to be a better way to discuss it, without blaming or threatening to walk out.
I will say that in my marriage, DH went through a period of handling interactions with my son that was not helpful, escalated things needlessly, and was really hurting their relationship. I eventually talked to him about it, which was NOT easy to say and I'm sure hard to hear, and it took several conversations until he truly heard me without just thinking I was attacking him and him getting defensive. It takes grace on both sides to have these discussions, but it doesn't sound like your H is using much/any. I'm sorry.
I’d put some restrictions in place on the actual phone/internet so that you’re not even having to address it.
I also agree the teenage daughter/mother dynamic is really difficult and I’d explain that to him. As females, we know this but maybe he is surprised at her reactions? I anticipate this potentially being an issue with my husband bc his parents were extremely relaxed and his sister was extremely well behaved so it might be shocking lol.
kittywalker , I'm glad you're going to find someone to talk with. It's bad enough to get it from your teen, but then for him to not have your back is really hurtful. My husband can react like this sometimes. With him it's as if someone has to be to blame every time something goes wrong an it surely can't be him so he tries to pin it on whoever is there (me). It sounds like he just couldn't handle the emotion that came with all that last night, but putting it on you is unacceptable.
I agree with the Mom/teen daughter being a whole different animal. My niece and my SIL - it was a real sight to behold.
Sounds like what he needs to realize is his reaction is to the fact that he hasn't been getting the brunt of her anger. If that triggered him, chances are he hasn't experienced that type of reaction a lot. So he needs to reacongize that when he wants to point the finger at you. With your follow up, he was very unfair to you.