Post by carrotsmakemefat on Mar 11, 2023 15:39:39 GMT -5
We are considering a move about an hour and 1/2 -2 hrs away. My best friends live in this area and my mom would also consider a move to be near us.
We can afford way more house, love the schools, and both work from home now (with minimal exceptions, maybe 2 X a quarter on average or 6 -8 times a year of driving 2 hours north).
Would you consider moving to have that support, be near friends, even if it meant starting over a little ? We also considered moving half way versus all the way south.
(We currently own our home & would sell it to have 20% down on the next property.)
Downsides : a drive to work sometimes
leaving other friends behind (but don’t see them often anyway)
and my mother in law would likely stay up here. Both her and my mom are widowed as of the last year so we’re making tough decisions. A lot of life changes happened.
We also bought in 21 with an awesome interest rate but made a ton of equity and won’t have Capitol gains.
I also have a specialized doctors that I’d have to see up north a handful of times a year.
Would need to start over and find a new house cleaner and a back up baby sitter.
Pro: bigger house (we’re cramped)
close to our best friends of 20 years whom we’d see a lot and we’d help each other with our kids.
Car pooling when needed
Better public schools for my kid (he’s 18 M)
I assume my MIL would stay here and we’d have a place to crash
Activities I’d enjoy for my kid (kids museums and such).
Medium sized city versus DC (for DC people I’m talking leaving NOVA for Richmond area)
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Mar 11, 2023 15:47:53 GMT -5
Yes and it backfired spectacularly. We moved to be closer to then h’s brother and family only to find out they were on the brink of divorce. So much for that ‘village’. My commute doubled and it put then h back the crowd he escaped from. Within 18m his brother got divorced, now xh relapsed and we divorced, and I moved an hr closer to my job.
Yes and it backfired spectacularly. We moved to be closer to then h’s brother and family only to find out they were on the brink of divorce. So much for that ‘village’. My commute doubled and it put then h back the crowd he escaped from. Within 18m his brother got divorced, now xh relapsed and we divorced, and I moved an hr closer to my job.
I’m sorry to hear that :/ I’m glad you’re closer to your job ! As my therapist says, you make the best decisions for the moment you’re in.
I’m trying to do this right now on a 12-hour scale that will require at least one of us getting a new job and it’s so daunting. Given what you wrote, I see no downside. Do it!
As someone who has moved on average every two years for my entire adult life, YES, I would absolutely move to be closer to friends and family, especially if work wasn’t a factor.
A few things to consider:
1) Each new location has pros and cons. There will be some things you like better (In new town I am closer to Costco!) and things that you dislike (but I have to drive 30 minutes to get to Target…).
2) It’s a pain to find a new hair dresser, house cleaner, babysitter…but not impossible.
3) While moving is stressful and feels overwhelming, you will feel settled again.
Are you still with the govt? There’s a big push for people to start going back in regularly. So much chatter the last two weeks after the big congressional vote.
That said, I’m about a hour from Richmond and it’s gotten so big and so commercial. I don’t know that I would move there myself knowing what we know from visiting for shopping and a few family get togethers. But coming from NOVA it’s similar in the whole tons of shopping center sprawl.
As far as the village goes, my parents moved closer to us in late 2020. It was for several reasons, but one was to help as our local family isn’t helpful. It’s been wonderful. We see them regularly and we have someone to call in a pinch. Summers have been the best because we no longer need FT camp for her.
Post by wanderingback on Mar 11, 2023 16:24:11 GMT -5
I’ve moved a lot and yes I definitely would for what you describe. However, I would make sure it’s an area that I wanted to live in anyway because you never know what might happen as those people could move, get sick, etc and those same benefits might not be there.
In your situation I’d do it! I’d do it knowing that things can change socially and maybe you won’t be as close to your friends as you’d think or you circumstances with your mom and MIL might change or evolve in some way. But there looks like a lot of advantages to moving that doesn’t involve them.
We’ve stayed here for sort of the same reason you’d want to move, my husband isn’t from here but we’d rather be near my family and friends than closer to his. But it’s still an easy enough drive to travel to my ILs and we meet up with friends in-between our two cities. It’s cheaper here than where they are too.
Are you still with the govt? There’s a big push for people to start going back in regularly. So much chatter the last two weeks after the big congressional vote.
That said, I’m about a hour from Richmond and it’s gotten so big and so commercial. I don’t know that I would move there myself knowing what we know from visiting for shopping and a few family get togethers. But coming from NOVA it’s similar in the whole tons of shopping center sprawl.
As far as the village goes, my parents moved closer to us in late 2020. It was for several reasons, but one was to help as our local family isn’t helpful. It’s been wonderful. We see them regularly and we have someone to call in a pinch. Summers have been the best because we no longer need FT camp for her.
I work in congressional affairs (not DoD anymore but at another Fed agency) as 70% of my job. And our meetings are still on Teams. While it’s true House Majority is pushing for back to the office, they equally love doing stuff on teams (like, asked for it next week for our budget briefings.).
My telework agreement / remote work is up for renewal every 6 months. Prior to COVID I was in the office 2 days a week, TW 3 days. Over 2k of us are now remote since Covid & we aren’t renewing the lease on our building.
Worst case I have thought about how this would look. My H is TW (non gov) since 2016. His job is super flexible. My long term goal is to finish my second masters and do a total career change (then I’d be focused on my new geographical area + telehealth appointments for clients)
It is nerve wracking for sure. Even if we did Fredericksburg instead, it would still be close enough to my family and my besties for weekends, just not during the week.
I’ve moved a lot and yes I definitely would for what you describe. However, I would make sure it’s an area that I wanted to live in anyway because you never know what might happen as those people could move, get sick, etc and those same benefits might not be there.
I moved (from NoVa actually lol) and have no village. It's reallllllly hard. All my friends here have parents and family in the area that help with their kids and they have literally no concept that I can't just have someone watch my kid to do a night out. I'm super jealous of them!
We moved here to be close to my SDs, I don't regret it because my son has a great relationship with his sister's, which he would not have otherwise but its hard on me at times with no support.
We did this when I was on orders for three years. In our case H’s friends and family are centralized and mine are not so we went to his. We’re now in the midSouth and it’s not my favorite. I don’t have friends here because I just got here really, the state politics suck, and I miss being on a coast. My daughter left a place with a lot more school options (like the Quaker school I was hoping to send her to) and is now in a place where daycare has a 2 year waiting list. She’s at a Catholic preK school and I’m not super psyched but we lack choices. In your case I’d do it since your best friend is there and your family would move. Will your H have a support system there?
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Mar 11, 2023 17:54:12 GMT -5
Yes. 100% yes. Having a village when you have kids makes it so much easier I think. Maybe I idolize it because it’s not something we have at all. But that village is why we will move 6000kms back to Canada in the next few years. We love living here but having no reliable village and no family is hard. So moving 1-1.5 hours is a no brainer to me.
Post by strawberry on Mar 11, 2023 18:20:39 GMT -5
Yes.
I would.
I live near no family now. I have no children. I moved 2000 miles away from my home state ten years ago with my husband. If it were in the realm of possibilities I would move back closer to his or my family.
Given what you said I would probably move. But I wouldn’t go into it with assumptions in terms of best friends helping, your mom moving or carpooling. This could very well happen or it could happen less frequently than you think. For example infant car seats make carpooling difficult and just when I thought we would do more carpooling then the pandemic hit. We do still carpool but I wouldn’t move for it.
I would move for a bigger house and better schools though. Does you mom or mil provide babysitting at your current residence? That was the village con if you lose that.
Given what you said I would probably move. But I wouldn’t go into it with assumptions in terms of best friends helping, your mom moving or carpooling. This could very well happen or it could happen less frequently than you think. For example infant car seats make carpooling difficult and just when I thought we would do more carpooling then the pandemic hit. We do still carpool but I wouldn’t move for it.
I would move for a bigger house and better schools though. Does you mom or mil provide babysitting at your current residence? That was the village con if you lose that.
Great points ! My mom wants to move, and she’s waiting to see what we do. We’d discuss with her before we do this of course. A benefit to her is she can afford to move south but she can’t afford to move closer to us up north. She doesn’t want to live with us so she needs to be able to afford a 55+ community (she lives in one now and loves it)
My MIL kinda sorta babysits. I thought she’d be more help. My mom is always asking to babysit now that she’s widowed. I’d still want to find a good back up sitter or PT during the week so I’m not reliant on one person. We have a sitter now who comes during the week while we work at home. Plus in another year we may start a PT pre school for a few hrs a week.
The benefit for my MIL is she could stay with us for a couple days at a time like she does her daughter down near the beach. That’s more quality time I think than a one hour visit once a week. My MIL has expressed a desire to move but not if one of her 3 kids doesn’t move out of NOVA (and the third one is a pain and of course wants to stay in Fairfax). It’s a bit of a sore spot with my husband right now.
Given what you said I would probably move. But I wouldn’t go into it with assumptions in terms of best friends helping, your mom moving or carpooling. This could very well happen or it could happen less frequently than you think. For example infant car seats make carpooling difficult and just when I thought we would do more carpooling then the pandemic hit. We do still carpool but I wouldn’t move for it.
I would move for a bigger house and better schools though. Does you mom or mil provide babysitting at your current residence? That was the village con if you lose that.
I’ll also say - I thought living 30 min from my MIL and an hour from my mom (and dad when he was alive) was the best of both worlds. Turns out it would be easier to move closer to one.
My best friends and I are talking more seriously on Monday about our boundaries and what this could be for us both. It was their idea. The house across the street sold recently and we knew that was TOO close. Ha ha. This has come up for a year since my Dad died
Yeah just coming from a place of having a great neighbors/ village didn’t mean that it made our lives easier in a way that having my mom babysit would be. Of course then my mom would be in my house a ton so double edged sword I guess.
Like I said we have a great village/ neighbors but for example coordinating things like half day camps can be a major pain. So we generally still do I would say 80% of our own driving with maybe a 20% carpool for activities.
Post by emilyinchile on Mar 11, 2023 19:41:37 GMT -5
I haven't, but we're lucky enough to have FI's parents really close by, and they're super helpful with L. I also have a couple of friends who have been like family in terms of helping each other out and sharing our lives pre-pandemic and I think will be again now that we're all getting past the more immediate baby stage where things are overwhelming. So basically, I know how important and awesome that set up is and would definitely count it as a pro in a possible move.
That said, I would evaluate the move without that factor first and see where you land. It sounds like other than the social and logistical start up costs of getting settled in a new place, moving is a good option anyway! I would just be hesitant to base too much of such a big decision around what other households do since obviously that can change.
H, DS(6) and I moved from the Seattle area to my hometown June 2020 to be closer to family & to afford a bigger house. My parents and two of my sisters are here. They said they'd be more help than they are in reality. Once DS was diagnosed with autism (July 2021) we started creating a village of support through our local Parent 2 Parent program for families that have kids with special needs. We thought it would be easier to get back to Seattle to see our friends on a more regular basis but it has proved to be more difficult due to the pandemic, DS' needs and coordinating schedules with said friends.
Pros: special needs support family is here bigger house we love DS' elementary school
Cons: it's isolating for H & me it's very conservative & religious it's hard to get medical care we left all our friends
We moved across the country to be closer to family and to live where we wanted to raise kids. It required quitting two jobs, a 6 month stay at my mom's house, and a lot of upheaval (my kids were 1 and 3 when we did this).
Ultimately, it was the right choice. But four out of six grandparents moved out of state within a few years and the remaining set have been much less helpful than promised. I'm still glad we moved, but if we didn't love this city, it would be a lot harder.
I think I would do it if I were you, but you should make your own pros/cons list as others have shown here. I would think about what you want your family life to be like with a growing kid, and actively make whatever choices support that. Think about general lifestyle, commute, cost/availability of kid activities, schools, etc. If you are going to make a move, when your child is only a toddler is a GREAT time. Once your child is in school, it gets way harder.
That said, I don't know if I would do the "halfway" move. I'm not sure exactly what you meant, but if you move, I'd move all the way to the friends/family/good schools/whatever and not try to spilt the distance to the city or whatever.
Yup I think that’s what I meant. I also had a friend who moved closer to family. They said they would help a ton but it never really occurred. She still needed a full time nanny.
But they do love the city and have their own house now.
Post by Velar Fricative on Mar 11, 2023 22:08:54 GMT -5
My concern would be whether that village may last. So, I’d aim to move for other reasons too, not just to create a village. Friendships change, family members may not be able to offer help as expected, etc.
I would only move if I'd also be happy in the new place even if all my people left. Does it offer the job opportunities, activities, restaurants, neighbourhoods, politics, etc. that I would be happy with long term? I would not move if there was a downgrade in any of those things compared to my current location and I was counting on friends to offset the loss.
Living near bffs can be amazing. We did it slightly backwards - made a huge move, didn't know any neighbours, but eventually became best friends with our landlords. Several years later, we had our first kids at the same time and the ability to support each other with young children was huge. But that village worked because we literally lived on the same property. We wouldn't have been able to offer nearly the same support if we were even a few streets away.
It's also vastly different having school age children vs. preschoolers. I couldn't fathom moving away from that support system when DS was little, but when he was in grade 1 we did move (~10 minutes away). By then it was easy to recognized that even though they will always be our best friends, our lifestyles were diverging enough that the village we had with little kids had changed. The kids chose different extra curricular activities, our adults careers/schedules had shifted a bit. Even if we still lived at their house, we wouldn't see each other as much now. You say you don't see your friends in your current city very much. What if your life changes enough that you only have that minimal contact with your best friends in your new city? Will it still be worth it?