Has anyone moved to “create a village?”

[hbomdiggity]

A main reason we don’t make a semi local move to the no income tax state I work in is the village we’ve made over that last few years. Moving would be the end of it, without a doubt.

If there is no compelling reason to stay in nova, then I would make the move. Lots of my friends have done this. I think you are more likely to make new friends there in addition to you bff and family. Nova can be transient, more hustle and bustle, and less time to socialize.

[minzy]

I have not moved to create a village, but at this point in my life, I’d be unwilling to move because of the (non-blood) community we have become a part of that is here, if that makes sense. When we first lived closer in to DC, there was not a sense of community, at all. We didn’t know our neighbors, and they made no effort to be neighborly. For example, our next door neighbor used to avoid us at the mailbox, and only ever came into our home for the open house after we listed it. The guy below us only talked to us once in 3.5 years. Etc. What we have now, though, is totally different. This week alone I’ve seen friends at the gym, library, store, meetings, been invited to a party, coordinated kid friend pickups, texted at least a dozen locals about various things, etc. Today I randomly saw a friend and was able to do a quick favor for her. Tomorrow I’m meeting friends for brunch to celebrate the tenth anniversary of our book club. If those kinds of ties have meaning to you like they do to me, I’d say to go where you can find them already in place, or try to create them yourself where you are.

[wise_rita]

I moved continents and left the best county in the world to do this. So, yes I would.

It's very personal, but we both felt what was right in our gut for us and our new baby.

[calmcosmo]

Absolutely! I am a big fan of the village concept and I think our world is drifting away from that mindset (to the detriment of mental health everywhere). Having close family or friends who are like family not only helps you but also gives your kids more trusted adults in their life. 

My husband is active duty navy (21+ years) so I am much more breezy about moving. If things like cleaning lady, hair person, etc is what is holding you back - let that crap go. Those are all very replaceable. The close friendships are much harder to emulate. The one thing I have loved about this lifestyle is that naval aviation is extremely tight knit. Even though my husband has been gone for literal years of our marriage, my "village" has always been there. 

Now that we're approaching his Navy retirement we absolutely are looking at our friends and family as part of our retirement decision. We have a handful of very close friends who we have "joked" with that we would buy a plot of land in the middle of nowhere, build a few homes and a grass runway, and just live that way once our kids are out of the house. That likely won't happen, but I could completely see us living to be closer to our very close friends. Right now we've decided to settle in a location on the east coast about 2 hours from my mom and sister and 3 hours from the majority of our best friends. For us that is very close (we were west coast and mountain west the past 10 years) but we'd like to be closer one day if we can all agree on an area. Our best friends are still all up in the DC suburbs (where my husband and I grew up) and we just simply don't want to deal with that area (COLA, traffic, vibe, etc). We live in a beach town and prefer this for now (cheaper, slower pace, we love our school).

Anyway - I vote GO. I grew up in the same town from 0-18 and always thought moving sounded impossible. But after 21 years as a navy spouse - moving really is just a few months of stress and adjustment - but if you love where you go it is 100% worth it! Life is short, nothing is permanent - my advice is to go be with your village. 

[expectantsteelerfan]

Yes, we absolutely chose to move back to our 'hometown' because both of our families and my best friend and her family were here after being away for several years and having kids, even though we both didn't really WANT to be in this area for any reason other than the people.

Having kids away from family was hard (our kids were 5 and 3 when we moved back and my dh had been active duty military). Even though both our families and my bff had visited us and we had been back to visit them, we really felt the pull to be back in this area more than anywhere else when deciding where to permanently settle after dh separated from the military (but we were also at a point where we needed to make a decision on where to live/at a job change, so a change was likely anyway, which is different from you).

We haven't regretted being here. It was great to have the help of our inlaws with the kids through elementary school (they live super close and we get along well). Although I don't get along great with my parents, my kids love having them at all of their activities and seeing them on holidays easily. And my bff is like family so I am so grateful to be so close to them.

[morecoffeeplease]

We move every three years and I love moving but in my experience it’s really hard to make adult friendships. Thankfully I work in a school and they have become my village. While you will have you best friends and family I’d think about how you’d expand that village while working from home.

[nothingcontroversial]

When I was a kid, we moved about 200 miles west to be closer to family. Within a few years, my maternal grandparents moved another 100 miles west of us. So, we were about the same distance away from my maternal grandparents as we were pre-move.

[pixy0stix]

Mar 11, 2023 19:10:28 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

Mar 11, 2023 18:31:25 GMT -5 waverly said:

Given what you said I would probably move. But I wouldn’t go into it with assumptions in terms of best friends helping, your mom moving or carpooling. This could very well happen or it could happen less frequently than you think. For example infant car seats make carpooling difficult and just when I thought we would do more carpooling then the pandemic hit. We do still carpool but I wouldn’t move for it.

I would move for a bigger house and better schools though. Does you mom or mil provide babysitting at your current residence? That was the village con if you lose that.

Great points ! My mom wants to move, and she’s waiting to see what we do. We’d discuss with her before we do this of course. A benefit to her is she can afford to move south but she can’t afford to move closer to us up north. She doesn’t want to live with us so she needs to be able to afford a 55+ community (she lives in one now and loves it)

My MIL kinda sorta babysits. I thought she’d be more help. My mom is always asking to babysit now that she’s widowed. I’d still want to find a good back up sitter or PT during the week so I’m not reliant on one person. We have a sitter now who comes during the week while we work at home. Plus in another year we may start a PT pre school for a few hrs a week.

The benefit for my MIL is she could stay with us for a couple days at a time like she does her daughter down near the beach. That’s more quality time I think than a one hour visit once a week. My MIL has expressed a desire to move but not if one of her 3 kids doesn’t move out of NOVA (and the third one is a pain and of course wants to stay in Fairfax). It’s a bit of a sore spot with my husband right now.

You didn't address if you've had conversations with your friends about expectations should you move. Since they're *why* you're moving, you really need to have these in depth conversations. They could have responded "Yes, move we want you closer!" without realizing that you will be expecting help/shared responsibilities.

I love my friends a whole lot, but I really don't want to add their kids to my mix when I'm barely floating.

[thebreakfastclub]

I agree with the clarification on what help with the children of friends means. I don't really want to help with other kids. My H is WFH full time, and I WFH 2 days a week, so we don't really need help with our 10yo.

We moved to a new state 7 years ago and even tho we didn't know anyone here, it has been great.

[janegold]

We moved to our current home when my son was 3 and I was pregnant with our second. We chose the town next to my ILs in part so that we could have help with our kids and so they would have a good relationship with their grandparents. My ILs live 2 miles from us and our kids see them maybe once a month - and never for babysitting. So. It didn’t work out well for us.

But I do think things would have been different if we had moved close to my family. We just don’t want to live where they live, plus my oldest is now in elementary and I’m less willing to consider uprooting him. With your child so young, I would be more open to it. But agree with others that i wouldn’t move SOLELY for the reason of expecting help…you might end up disappointed.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Mar 11, 2023 15:50:43 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

Mar 11, 2023 15:47:53 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Yes and it backfired spectacularly. We moved to be closer to then h’s brother and family only to find out they were on the brink of divorce. So much for that ‘village’. My commute doubled and it put then h back the crowd he escaped from. Within 18m his brother got divorced, now xh relapsed and we divorced, and I moved an hr closer to my job.

I’m sorry to hear that :/ I’m glad you’re closer to your job ! As my therapist says, you make the best decisions for the moment you’re in.

Even in the moment I thought it was an awful idea. 

It'll be 10y since all of that happened in September. I've created my own village out of friends not family.

[rosiebear]

We had our village here without moving (grandparents, cousins), and it was the BEST. If you can find that kind of support and community by moving, I say go for it!

[aspentosh]

We also live in NoVA and we *aren't* moving because of our village. So I definitely get the desire to have/create a village for your future.

That being said, I lived in Fredericksburg for four years and it's not a place I would want to live. It's expanded a ton over the last decade and it's so congested and not necessarily an enjoyable place to live. H's family lives there and we visit and I am always ready to leave.

Richmond, however, we've had a lot better success with for visits and hanging out. Maybe not somewhere I'd choose on my own, but if it meant a village was possible, I get the draw. So if you're going to make the move, I'd make the full move. But a lot of people made good points about asking yours friends and making sure the village is stable and what helping each other with kids looks like. I'm 30 minutes from my BF of almost 20 years and we still don't see each other as much as we'd like because schedules are crazy.

[wanderingback]

Also, if I were going to do this I would want to live very very close to this village, within walking distance. I think living 30 minutes or more away would defeat the purpose.

I live within a 15 minute walk to 1 family member. Sometimes I’ll do errands by his apartment and just call him to see if he’s around to stop by. Or recently at last minute I realized I needed to ask him if he could water our plants and I was able to drop off the key on our way out of town and it wasn’t too inconvenient for him to do it. If we lived 30 minutes apart none of that would be possible. In fact, we did previously a few years ago live about 45 min apart in public transport and we barely saw each other cause of our busy schedules. The unplanned spontaneous visits and help are what I’d move for so I’d make sure that’s possible in the beginning and what everyone wants.

[atarianna]

We have moved 10 times since getting married and had to build our own village as we went. Our last move was 10ish hours away from where we lived but moving back closer to where we grew up and family was more drivable. We still had to rebuild relationships, but had my parents nearby enough to be helpful.

If work isn’t going to constrain your options, I would absolutely move to a more affordable area with great schools. Having a friend there already will be helpful, as would having your mom nearby.

[krystee]

I have never lived far from family, but we did move from 45 minutes away to 5 minutes away, and it is life-changing. We do dinner with my parents once a week usually. My dad stops by on his long runs and makes silly faces into the Ring doorbell for the kids to see later (they’re at school), my mom and I pick stuff up for each other at the grocery store, and they both help when work runs long and we suddenly need help with pickup.

That said, they don’t babysit as regularly as you would think, even though they adore the kids. They both still work FT and travel to their cottage or my brother’s house a couple weekends a month.

I am also 5 minutes now from my best friend. We meet for lunches twice a month and text a zillion times a day, but rarely see each other otherwise because her kids are different ages than mine and are in a bunch of activities. We definitely don’t help each other with childcare (unless there are emergencies). We both rely on our parents for that.

I would make the move in your case, but would plan to still put a lot of effort into building a wider community. I joined a local moms’ group I love, became great friends with two daycare parents, etc. I see some of them more than I see our BFFs simply because our stage of life is the same and it’s easy to find shared activities.

[isabel]

I just saw this and thought of you:

http://instagram.com/p/CpoMCwbhkgP

But I agree with others to have some conversations first about expectations before you make a decision. I have friends nearby, but since I don’t particularly want to deal with their kids, I don’t ask them to deal with mine.

[bl]

We recently did this with our besties and god children moving from Texas to Florida. We actually bought the house that backs up to theirs and now share a backyard. We regularly pick their kids up from school or help out if one is home from school sick. We share dinner responsibilities and eat with each other every night. They take care of our dogs and we both have parents who live with us, if I’m not home she feeds my mom and vice versa. It feels like this is how life was always supposed to be and I can’t believe we went so long not doing this.

We obviously knew our lives would be very intertwined moving into a house with a shared back yard, but I agree with others to make sure you have convos on expectations.

[purplepenguin7]

I did this in way, in that I moved closer to my mom after we had a kid. There were a bunch of factors that brought us here when we were home shopping, but if not for my mom we probably would have explored other areas. We also didn't have friends where we were living previously and didn't have any ties to the town/county.

That being said, I would be very careful about uprooting your whole life for "village" type support. I know a few people who have done this and I didn't work out the way they wanted to for various reasons. My cousin specifically moved across the county (CA to NJ) to live near her in-laws. After a few years the in-laws decided to retire and move elsewhere. There are also health challeges that may impact your expectations of others, or even just general life changes. Others have said it already but I would be sure you love the new area, it has everything you need, close to jobs, etc. Living close to family/friends would be a "bonus" for me, not the whole reason.

[Velar Fricative]

Mar 12, 2023 14:08:47 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Also, if I were going to do this I would want to live very very close to this village, within walking distance. I think living 30 minutes or more away would defeat the purpose.

Yep. We are 30 minutes away from my ILs and an hour from my mom. My ILs are retired and are willing and able to assist with stuff, but they can't get here in 5 minutes and now they snowbird in FL a few months out of the year. My mom will still be working for another 5 years or so, at least. We have 7 siblings between us and while most of us live in the same metro area, none live closer than 30-60 minutes away.

Granted, this is pretty great for other reasons (no need to travel far for holidays or parties, can see them more often than if we had to fly or drive hours and hours, etc.), but they're not part of our hyperlocal "village" at all except for serious emergencies.

[minzy]

Just something to point out and consider is your and your husband’s personalities and those of the friend couple. It can absolutely work for some people and families. That said, my husband is a huge introvert and the idea of another family with additional expectations on us being a stone’s throw away, even despite the benefits it could entail, would be such a nonstarter for him that just thinking about it hypothetically makes me vaguely uncomfortable on his behalf. And I say that as someone who already posted upthread about the importance of community to me! He does not place the importance on that stuff that I do, but he “tolerates” his commute and has not seriously pushed a move closer to either of our offices because he knows staying where we already live is so important to me.

[waverly]

krystee , that makes sense. I have a 12 year old, and my friend has a toddler, and I am finding it really hard to come up with ideas that would include both of them. So I am just waiting to see if she has ideas, and she doesn't, so that is not working out well.

minzy , totally. I am in the introvert, and sometimes my neighbors trying to build their village and be neighborly and them asking for help seems to me to be invasive because I was so used to being independent for so long. It is also kind of nice, and I am trying to learn from it, but it doesn't come nearly as naturally to me. For example, they would ask us to bring in their mail when they were on vacation, and I am like but can't you just stop your mail online through the post office? I think they did eventually start doing that after several years.  But yeah sharing is not something I am great at, and we never asked them to bring in our mail because why would we?  See the philosophical or personality difference?  

[mrsukyankee]

We don't have kids and already had my MIL living with us, but we moved to be closer to friends and a location that we wanted to live in. And I'm so, so very happy we did. We are building our own little village of new people in the area and my H is able to have his best friend around the corner (and I like the wife so we all hang out regularly). I'm still building closer friendships (hard to do but getting there) and being active in the community.

So, I'd say, if you love the area you'd move to and be able to make connections to the local community regardless of your friends or family, then yes, I'd move.

[scm1011]

Mar 12, 2023 14:08:47 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Also, if I were going to do this I would want to live very very close to this village, within walking distance. I think living 30 minutes or more away would defeat the purpose.

I live within a 15 minute walk to 1 family member. Sometimes I’ll do errands by his apartment and just call him to see if he’s around to stop by. Or recently at last minute I realized I needed to ask him if he could water our plants and I was able to drop off the key on our way out of town and it wasn’t too inconvenient for him to do it. If we lived 30 minutes apart none of that would be possible. In fact, we did previously a few years ago live about 45 min apart in public transport and we barely saw each other cause of our busy schedules. The unplanned spontaneous visits and help are what I’d move for so I’d make sure that’s possible in the beginning and what everyone wants.

100%. My family (mom, dad, sister) all live 30-45 minutes away and we see them once a month at most. 
My village all live within walking distance and I'm so thankful for them. Like yesterday when school closed early due to weather and a neighbor grabbed my kid along with hers and kept him for a couple hours while I worked. My mom certainly wouldn't drive 45 minutes in a storm to do that for us. 

I'm really thankful for my village but it definitely makes me feel stuck here at times. I'd love to move abroad for a few years (we all have dual-EU citizenship) but can't imagine starting over with no village. 

[icedcoffee]

I think all options are good options except the one where you move halfway. Don't do that.

I'll address one comment you made though: "The benefit for my MIL is she could stay with us for a couple days at a time like she does her daughter down near the beach. That’s more quality time I think than a one hour visit once a week. "

Don't underestimate the ability to help you without needing to stay with you or it be a multi day visit.

Our parents are 30 minutes and 4 hours away. I sometimes really wish we had someone 5 minutes or less away.

[winnied]

Yes, 5 years ago H and I moved back to our hometown, near our parents and siblings among other relatives and a few friends (though not many). We left behind our close friend group. 

Part of the reason was to have our kids (not born yet) live near family, have family support, and know our nieces/nephews. We just had our second daughter in November and she was born with a few disabilities. Our village stepped up for us in a big way (and they did with our older daughter, too.) Our village includes our families (my SIL lives down the street), our neighbors who watched our oldest while we were in the NICU, and our church community. 

We took the risk of losing our jobs. We still work for the jobs we had before, remotely, but we know it's not a guarantee we'll always have these ones. 

We miss our friends in our old city a lot. We're still close, but they're not part of our weekly or monthly lives, of course. I think it would have happened anyway as we are the only ones who have kids. We need a village on the level of hosting my daughter for playdates every weekend day while we're in the NICU, someone driving my husband to the hospital when I had to deliver our first kid, someone who is able and willing to help babysit when daycare is closed/sick kid/date night. 

I also moved to help care for my parents as they age. They independent still but I've had to coach/hold them accountable to things like getting hearing aids, going to PT, getting skin cancer removed, etc. It's stuff I couldn't help with or even know about unless I lived here. 

Another reason for our move is a different culture. We loved living in the city during our 20's but kids living in that area weren't living the kind of lives we wanted for our girls.