I wouldnt worry about paying for the kids unless you guys really want them there. The older kids presumably had trip/tickets/other things paid for them when growing up. Should they continue to benefit just for having a younger sibling? If you didnt have a younger child, you wouldn't be paying for them. When your youngest is out of high school you can change it so they all get the same offers for those things.
With your updates and to answer your specific question of "But then I think...well by the time DS is grown they will be almost 30, so do I pay for them until they are 30?" - if it’s going to be a financial strain then you can decide on a case by case basis and yes I think it’s appropriate to treat your kids to things even when they are no longer kids anymore even if they’re 40+ years old.
I also think it’s totally appropriate for young adults and even adults to say yes to things with their parents that they wouldn’t necessarily pick to do on their own. I don’t think that should dictate when you pay for, again assuming you can pay (all or some of the time).
Sorry I think I worded that so it doesn't match with my thoughts. I'll still treat them when they're adults for sure, if we go shopping I'll probably pay for some things and lunch.
But I'm more thinking if DS wants to do something, do I automatically pay for them to make it fair, like The Lion King. Or let's say he gets into a sport when he's older (let's say basketball) do I get everyone basketball tickets, or just DS.
For the vacation thing I think this may come up less often. After Disney 2024, we will probably do things where we rent a house so everyone can come. We just had a lot of issues with the rental house this last time and I really wanted an easier trip for the second time but I'm feeling conflicted.
SD1 seemed not at all interested in Disney 2024, SD2 was lukewarm about it but then I feel like it's not fair if I don't pay for them to go and I'm all a mess inside about it.
My parents stopped paying for pretty much anything for me once I moved out, while my in laws pay for most stuff we do with them, unless my H is very clear up front that we are treating them (usually something they wouldn’t normally do but we want them to go with us.) I will 100% be like my in laws if I’m able, it honestly kind of stings that my mom can afford to pay for like a lunch out but doesn’t ever offer or really invite me to stuff. She does pay for my sister and her family, but they are in a different financial situation.
In your case, I like the suggestion someone else had of inviting them and offering to cover half. That feels both fair and reasonably generous. If it’s something you really want them to attend (I’m thinking like a family reunion or something) I would try to cover the full cost, but it doesn’t sound like that’s really been the case so far.
For me, I would pay. It sounds like they are responsible and working. Out on their own (or on their way). Most of us don’t make enough money in our early 20s to do stuff like big vacations, Broadway shows etc. At least I didn’t! I would therefore still pay, or pay a good portion, so we can do these things as a family. If they weren’t working/showing responsibility then it’s a different story IMO (in terms of supporting a lifestyle where you are being taken advantage of) but that doesn’t seem the case at all.
Post by sugarbear1 on Mar 15, 2023 17:45:29 GMT -5
Can you afford to pay for them? I think if it's an activity or vacation that you want to do, you pay. They can pay for extras and boyfriends / girlfriends.
My parents insist on being fair to all of us (blended family, 2 kids from each parent and we are all relatively the same age) and they have always paid more. If they invite, they pay. If I invite them to meet us somewhere (they met us in Jackson Hole last summer), they paid for their share, but if I invited them out for dinner I would pay.
Post by tarzanswife on Mar 15, 2023 17:49:29 GMT -5
We are approaching this with our kids and we look at this way. While they are in college if we want them to do a family vacation, etc.. We pay. Once they are out and are employed, then they can pay or we can assist with paying. If we are doing well financially at that time when they are out of college then we could pay but we will cross that bridge when we get there. The bigger issue we are having now is the requests to bring the significant other on vacations and to family dinners out.
We are approaching this with our kids and we look at this way. While they are in college if we want them to do a family vacation, etc.. We pay. Once they are out and are employed, then they can pay or we can assist with paying. If we are doing well financially at that time when they are out of college then we could pay but we will cross that bridge when we get there. The bigger issue we are having now is the requests to bring the significant other on vacations and to family dinners out.
Yes SD1 automatically comes with Boyfriend. SD2 is not in a serious relationship but when she is, that person will be included so it's like AHHHH! Now it's 7 people instead of 3! She also dates really obnoxious people that I don't want to spend a week with but that's a separate issue and I'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.
In driving home from the store, I realized my conflict comes when it's something expensive with a lukewarm interest.
If it's inexpensive and lukewarm like going out to dinner, it's fine I'll pay nbd. If it's expensive and they really want to go I will make cuts to make that happen, like with Disney 2022, they were super pumped about it and H got some extra commission from work so I was like cool let me help more than we already said we would.
It's just in these cases where it's meh reaction and expensive that it's causing an issue in my mind. It's like do I make a bunch of cuts so they can come anyway out of fairness, so I think I've landed on just doing a case by case basis.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Mar 15, 2023 18:20:27 GMT -5
I would pay for some things and not others, kind of consciously. For example, no I wouldn't do lion king tickets for audl kids, but if you got to 2 or 3 special things like that a year, I would include them in 1 or 2 of them. If you go on 2 trips a year, I would include them in 1.
I have seen the full spectrum from nothing after age 18 to still footing the whole bill at 40, and the vast majority of people are somewhere in the middle.
I would pay for some things and not others, kind of consciously. For example, no I wouldn't do lion king tickets for audl kids, but if you got to 2 or 3 special things like that a year, I would include them in 1 or 2 of them. If you go on 2 trips a year, I would include them in 1.
I have seen the full spectrum from nothing after age 18 to still footing the whole bill at 40, and the vast majority of people are somewhere in the middle.
I think we can afford to do a trip like that every 2 years. This year our week vacation will be driving to my ILs in Florida. We might go to a water park while we are there and we will pay for everyone if we do, that sort of thing for the "off" year.
But I'm more thinking if DS wants to do something, do I automatically pay for them to make it fair, like The Lion King. Or let's say he gets into a sport when he's older (let's say basketball) do I get everyone basketball tickets, or just DS.
For the vacation thing I think this may come up less often. After Disney 2024, we will probably do things where we rent a house so everyone can come. We just had a lot of issues with the rental house this last time and I really wanted an easier trip for the second time but I'm feeling conflicted.
SD1 seemed not at all interested in Disney 2024, SD2 was lukewarm about it but then I feel like it's not fair if I don't pay for them to go and I'm all a mess inside about it.
No. He's 10. OF COURSE you're paying for him. That doesn't mean you "have" to pay for them.
We can all throw our personal experiences into this, and it's NICE to be treated. Trust me- I like not having to pay for stuff. But I said this before and I'll say it again - if you don't have the budget to just treat everyone all the time, THAT'S OK!! You don't have to. ANd "treating" a 10 year old IS NOT THE SAME as treating 20/ 21 year olds.
And your SDs are at an age where, yeah, spending money to be with family isn't going to be a priority to them. If you want them to join you, yeah, maybe pay. But if you don't care if they join you or not, don't pay.
Post by mysteriouswife on Mar 15, 2023 18:33:19 GMT -5
I’m struggling with this and my kids are still at home. DD is working and can’t always come to things with us. Mostly she isn’t interested. I still feel guilt for buying for DS. H and I had a conversation a while back about how different vacations are going to start being. She may not be able to go when we can due to college or work. Their schedules aren’t going to be the same.
Paying for your 10 year old is a given! He’s a kid! You would have done it if they lived with you at that age!
At this point, I’d pay for them if it was really important to you, your husband and/or son for them to be there or if it was something they were super interested in and you could afford to.
My ILs paid for us to attend extended family weddings and two vacations we normally wouldn’t go to. It was really important for them for us to be there so we’d drive up and they’d pay for a hotel and they’d fly in my SIL. It’s not what we’d spend our money on (it would most likely come at the expense of us doing something we’d prefer to do) and they knew it but we’d go if they paid. I think that might be where you are with some family trips.
Post by penguingrrl on Mar 15, 2023 18:49:01 GMT -5
I think this varies by family and means. My mom didn’t have much, but what she had she made sure that we were covered until long over the age of 20. My ILs are in better shape and still won’t let us pay for dinner no matter how often we offer (we have them over for dinner every weekend and often get takeout). They all paid for travel when going as a family until we were in a position to pay for it ourselves, which was very old in our case due to H doing a PhD while we had babies (I couldn’t afford to work so we were living on a grad student stipend during that time).
I suspect I will pay it forward as our families did and pay for these things until my kids are well established, not 21 and just starting out. During my 20s we went on a few family trips I otherwise would have said no to, but really enjoyed. And the family memories were amazing.
But I’ll also say, H and I have had very few travel opportunities with our kids. We’ve had exactly one family vacation between finances, the pandemic and now having a child who has become disabled due to the pandemic and is unable to travel now. I’ll gladly pay for travel if in the future we get her in a place she’s able to travel again.
It doesn’t have to be equal. I’m only 4 years younger but I was my mom’s plus one / share a room so she paid for me to go to Hawaii and Spain. Spain, I was already there studying so only the tour part. We went with my grandparents and she wanted help with them since they required some assistance while traveling. My sister wasn’t invited because she was married and that would be another room and 2 more people.
I wouldn’t invite them to every thing we do, but I think one family trip a year to cover their cost is a nice gesture. Not necessarily Disney or something expensive, even a weekend away if a big trip isn’t in the budget. But as a family with a 10 year old you don’t have to include 20 & 21 year olds and often it may not even make sense.
So I’d plan my life with a 10 year old, and then if everyone wants try to do a trip of some sort now and again with everyone and pay for it.
With your updates and to answer your specific question of "But then I think...well by the time DS is grown they will be almost 30, so do I pay for them until they are 30?" - if it’s going to be a financial strain then you can decide on a case by case basis and yes I think it’s appropriate to treat your kids to things even when they are no longer kids anymore even if they’re 40+ years old.
I also think it’s totally appropriate for young adults and even adults to say yes to things with their parents that they wouldn’t necessarily pick to do on their own. I don’t think that should dictate when you pay for, again assuming you can pay (all or some of the time).
Sorry I think I worded that so it doesn't match with my thoughts. I'll still treat them when they're adults for sure, if we go shopping I'll probably pay for some things and lunch.
But I'm more thinking if DS wants to do something, do I automatically pay for them to make it fair, like The Lion King. Or let's say he gets into a sport when he's older (let's say basketball) do I get everyone basketball tickets, or just DS.
For the vacation thing I think this may come up less often. After Disney 2024, we will probably do things where we rent a house so everyone can come. We just had a lot of issues with the rental house this last time and I really wanted an easier trip for the second time but I'm feeling conflicted.
SD1 seemed not at all interested in Disney 2024, SD2 was lukewarm about it but then I feel like it's not fair if I don't pay for them to go and I'm all a mess inside about it.
Well 1) I don’t think you need to plan for all situations. It can be a case by case basis and 2) No you don’t have to invite/pay for them to come to an activity that they absolutely have no interest. If your son is in to basketball but they’ve never mentioned basketball in their lives then no I don’t think you automatically have to invite them and pay.
Post by arehopsveggies on Mar 15, 2023 19:47:06 GMT -5
My family is a his/hers/ours situation so there is a 13 year gap between oldest and youngest.
There are trips I didn’t get to do. Some of that is understandable, because I was an adult with a work/school schedule that didn’t work with every plan. Some I just couldn’t afford.
One trip where I was already married and I wanted to go- the two of us that were adults had to pay our way. I scrimped and saved but DH didn’t get to go
Another trip I was included and parents paid it all, the younger kids weren’t because of their school schedules.
My parents still pay for most things when we do weekend trips…. Which is monthly or so. But DH and I try to pay for the groceries, or pick up the check at dinner sometimes etc.
I’m more annoyed that my parents paid for my brothers gas until like… five years longer than they should have. I paid for my own gas since I was 15!
I think the question isn’t, “Will I still pay SDs’ way until they’re 30,” but “will I pay for DS to go on vacation with us when he is 20?” If the answer is yes, I’d pay for the step daughters.
I think the question isn’t, “Will I still pay SDs’ way until they’re 30,” but “will I pay for DS to go on vacation with us when he is 20?” If the answer is yes, I’d pay for the step daughters.
I agree with this.
There is a big gap between my teen SD and my little kids (13-15 years). I see us continuing to host/pay for SD on our family trips - if she even wants to go - through college and likely somewhat beyond, depending on what her financial circumstances and availability are.
I also fully expect her to not want/be able to go on all of our family trips in the future when she’s an adult anyway - spring breaks won’t line up, she’ll be working and have limited vacation time, she’ll have other priorities for her free time, etc. So when she actually wants to and is able to join us, I think I’d be happy to support that for a long time.
I think the question isn’t, “Will I still pay SDs’ way until they’re 30,” but “will I pay for DS to go on vacation with us when he is 20?” If the answer is yes, I’d pay for the step daughters.
That helps. I'll pay for him to do some but not all for sure. We haven't had a kid free trip, ever. So we will hopefully do some things on our own! If he is meh about something I wouldn't bring him either at age 20.
My parents paid until we were in our full-time jobs. After that (and still), they’ll pay for dinner or if we go on vacation, they’ll pay a little more for the accommodations, but we pay most activities and trips ourselves. We make twice their income and I would not be comfortable having them pay for us.
In your situation, I would personally pay for them now for trips and ask them to pay/chip in when they are finished with school and/or fire fighter training and working FT. For activities, I don’t think you have to invite them to every single thing. I am 10 years older than my youngest brother and my mom took him a lot of places I didn’t go to when he was 10/12/etc. If there is a family outing that is important to you or you know they’d love it, I would probably pay for them.
Post by emilyinchile on Mar 15, 2023 21:17:20 GMT -5
I would think about this in terms of how you spend time as a family overall. If you're off doing trips with just your son all the time and never getting to travel with SDs because of money, then I would either pay for them to tag along or plan a trip they want to pay for/can afford because to me it would be important to have a complete family vacation sometimes. If the only activities you do are Lion King or hypothetical future basketball games, and SDs don't want to pay for that stuff because it's not interesting to them, I'd buy them a ticket to have a family night out every so often. If you're already having family dinners and doing a family trip to Florida everyone is into and can afford, I wouldn't stress about the other stuff. Obviously your relationship with the 10 year old is going to be different, and that's ok.
When my sister and I were in our 20’s, my dad paid for one big Disney trip for a milestone birthday for my mother. That included a big treehouse to share and all the extras. We got time off from work to go and it was special. They did smaller trips for just the 2 of them to Disneyland that I never considered joining. If there was a much younger sibling, it would have made sense for the sibling to go but not me/my sister as older/working.
For a looong time, my parents rented a summer cottage in a drivable summer destination with an open invitation to join them. We always went as kids but it just wasn’t convenient as 20 yr olds. When I was married we joined them but rented a hotel room (on the same property) at our own expense because we wanted our own space and bathroom. My sister always shared the cottage- we both got what we wanted.
Over the years, theatre tickets and sporting events are special occasions and usually linked to individual birthdays or a holiday present.Not always a big family outing.
As a 20-something, my parents were probably more willing to pay for things to see me than I wanted to devote my time. They would have loved for me to tag along on their vacations (and probably would have paid for it) but I wanted to do my own thing, with my own friends. And it was not desirable to go on “their” vacation. It’s not like they were going to compromise with me on destinations/dates.
I think it’s good that you are considering their feelings and striving for “fairness” but your youngest is in a much different season of life than his older siblings and that’s okay. If anything, I had to tell my parents it’s okay not to expect ME to show up for every little thing.
Post by mrsukyankee on Mar 16, 2023 4:57:31 GMT -5
I grew up poor to lower middle class (changed as I got older). When I was in my 20s, I had very little money. I wasn't invited to most family social things (going to a movie or show) because they were just for those living in the household - if I wanted to join, they'd be happy to have me but I would have been expected to pay for those on my own. BUT if they invited me for a family vacation, they'd pay for the basic expenses (car journey, food, housing) and I'd have to pay for anything else. I could choose to come or not.
I would try to include them on an annual family trip. Do they babysit for you? Or otherwise help out? We often pay for our nephew (adult, working while in grad school) to join us on trips and activities because he helps us with our DS. Even if it’s just staying in the hotel room while DS sleeps so we can have a nice dinner.
Post by somersault72 on Mar 16, 2023 8:43:04 GMT -5
I just want to say you're a wonderful stepmom.
My parents (my mom specifically because my dad is a hermit) still pays for a lot of things for me and I'm 42. I'm an only child and I have 2 kids--my parents are incredibly generous to us (and my husband too, really). My mom gets a Broadway Across America subscription every year and pays for my subscription, but part of that is she doesn't want to go alone. We are very close. All that said, I would do anything for my parents, especially my mom and I hope to pay it forward to them someday.
As far as my kids, they are both biologically mine, but there is a 10 year age gap. We are getting to the point where the oldest doesn't want to do a lot of the stuff we're doing with the youngest and that's OK. I did a ton of stuff with him when he was younger. We are taking my youngest to Disney next month. My oldest doesn't want to go (and we all went in August). That said, I am taking my oldest to California for a few days on a mother/son trip in early June so he can check out the new Mario Land at Universal (and we will do Disneyland for a couple of days). "Fair" doesn't necessarily mean equal. Just because you do something your son enjoys doesn't mean you HAVE to include your SDs--they may not enjoy it. You could do something else with them. Also, no matter the kids' ages none of this should put you in a financial bind. I admit I struggle with this myself, because I want my kids to have allllll the experiences, but sometimes that just can't happen. You have a really big heart CurlyQ284. By all means pay for what you can afford for those girls, no matter their ages and continue to spend time with them, but if you can't afford it to foot a bill for something, it's ok--it doesn't mean you love them any less.
This can be all over the place depending on the family.
It sounds like you are bending over to include the SDs as a show of family equity which is a great, but in families where kids are full sibs of married parents with that big an age gap not every outing would include all members. If the SDs wouldn't go to Lion King on their own, it's OK to not include them. If you want a family vacation then you make that happen by funding it.
The other piece to consider is whether the SDs (sorry, I don't know your situation) have other adults in their mom's family who gift them outings and travel.
This can be all over the place depending on the family.
It sounds like you are bending over to include the SDs as a show of family equity which is a great, but in families where kids are full sibs of married parents with that big an age gap not every outing would include all members. If the SDs wouldn't go to Lion King on their own, it's OK to not include them. If you want a family vacation then you make that happen by funding it.
The other piece to consider is whether the SDs (sorry, I don't know your situation) have other adults in their mom's family who gift them outings and travel.
Oh for sure, if it wasn't blended I would be less worried but I don't know how perception will factor into all this.
They don't have adults on their mom's side who gift outings and travel. I keep typing an explanation but it's just kind of sad and their story to tell not mine, so I think I'll just leave it at "things aren't great with mom".