My trying to be positive isn’t working. I feel stressed out by life and H is busy with working two jobs and I just need…I don’t know. I’ve been getting angry and fighting with him everyday and I hate fighting in front of E (small apartment, nowhere to go). There are all these things I want to do to spruce up our place (new rug, hang pictures, move furniture) but I need help and H just doesn’t care. His answer to everything is that if we made more money we could hire a decorator or a cleaning person or send our laundry out. None of that is happening anytime soon.
He was raised upper middle class/maybe upper class and I was NOT and we just do not have the same ideas on what a good life is. For me it’s having enough money to be happy and pay out bills. To him it’s 6 figure salaries and big houses like where he grew up in CT.
I’m sad and anxious and overwhelmed. I’m venting and I’m probably going to get a lot of advice for counseling and thank you but that’s not in the cards anytime soon.
lilafowler you don't need his help. Pick 1 project at a time and just do it yourself. Spend time on your own browsing home stores. If he doesn't care either way, or won't be happy with your space anyway, then make yourself happy. Don't do stuff you'll know he hates, but not everything has to be a compromise. Short of taking down a wall, you can do any home project with the help of YouTube. Do it!
lilafowler I feel you. I also really need a body double to do this kind of stuff with. Like I'm capable of doing it on my own, but I WANT someone to do it with. It's way more likely to get done that way. I feel like this a lot when spring comes around because the weather is nice and I feel shitty about not doing stuff, lol. Like reverse seasonal depression. The sun comes out and I'm like fuuuuuck, I'm lazy. I recently heard a sentence that stuck with me-- "Shoulds are coulds with a lot of guilt". Idk if that helps at all.
I tried eating real food last night and if anyone needs me I'll be in my shitty tiny and only bathroom I've been wanting to makeover praying no one else in my house needs it until at least Friday.
lilafowler , maybe try to figure out smaller, inexpensive things you can do on your own and just do them. Make yourself happy. My FI doesn’t take much interest in home decor or updates, so I’ve started just doing things and being like “oh, btw, I’m doing this…” It’s good to take other people’s feelings into consideration, but not to the detriment of our own happiness. I’m on a “do you” kick right now when it comes to women in general making themselves happy, so do you!
On another note, I thought yesterday was Wednesday allllllll day, so today is definitely a disappointment.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Apr 5, 2023 7:28:03 GMT -5
lilafowler, I do a LOT of home stuff with minimal or zero input from my dh. I buy new furniture, decor, rugs, etc without any input from him (and I am mostly a SAHM so technically it's his money I'm spending too, said TIC) and I basically inform him that it's happening when I feel like he needs to know, like this past weekend when I told him that I told ds that if he finally got his act together and cleaned his room, I would get him a full sized bed that he's been asking for (dd has a full but he's been in a twin, he used to have a small room but we moved into a house that could accommodate a full 2 years ago but he wanted bunk beds when we first moved in, but long story, we said no to that and he said he didn't want a new bed if it wasn't bunk beds, but then decided eventually he did, but his room was a disaster, so it's been an ongoing argument ever since). So I picked out a new bed frame, mattress, bedding, etc with ds and bought it, and the only time I asked for any input from dh was when I wavered on whether to allow ds to get a headboard that had led lighting built in because ds has been known to stay up all night reading after we've said light's out and we've had to take all light things out of his room before (book lights, flash lights, moon lights he's gotten as gifts, etc), so I debated between the same headboard with or without the leds and asked dh his opinion on that.
But I also get the needing the occasional 2nd hand. Is E old enough to help yet? If not, do you have a friend that you can ask to come over and help occasionally? If not, then I'd just wait until you know your dh has some free time, and be like, hey, I need you to do x, y, and z to help me today, thanks. Like when I ordered new rugs, I vacuumed and prepped as well as I could when they were delivered by moving the furniture out of the way in the room as much as I could on the day dh had some free time, and then was like, hey, I need you to help me roll up the old rug, move it to the basement, and unroll the new one today, thanks. He grumbled, but he did it. Luckily my ds is old enough to help me build furniture and hang stuff though and enjoys doing that kind of stuff, so he helps me more than my dh though.
Post by starburst604 on Apr 5, 2023 7:35:16 GMT -5
lilafowler I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I’m a firm believer that a glow up of living space is a mood booster. I love that stores like HomeGoods have made designing on a budget so achievable. Small spaces can be beautiful and functional! Do you feel stuck because you want his help choosing things? Girl I’ll meet you at HomeGoods and get you going!
I’m so sorry lilafowler. That’s a bad feeling, and it’s sucks you’re dealing with that. I forget if you moved recently, or if this is the same place, but maybe your H is also dealing with some grumpy pants feelings lately. I hope you are both able to work through the grouching and get to a place where you’re both feeling better soon. ((hugs))
We are home from camping. DH and the kids are off and home today too, so they’ll finish cleaning the camper (we’d done almost all of it already, just need 3 bins in so I can sort better), and everyone needs laundry done. They haven’t decided what else to do today, but I tried to encourage something fun. DH is then gone until Sunday for golf. He and his friends do an annual guys trip, and I’m really looking forward to that. Lol. Go hang out with your friends is a much nicer way to say GTFO of my face. Haha. The kids will hopefully go to my parents for a few days too, so it should be so fucking blissful.
I worked remote on Monday because kid didn't have school, that is not my normal WFH day and because I am very much a creature of habit it sort of messes me up when I do things like that on different days so I've been confused all week on what day it is. Thursday is my normal WFH day and I'm contemplating coming in to the office because some stuff is just easier to do here which will mess me up further LOL.
It's been raining more than usual the past few days and as a result we have flooding in areas that we don't typically. One road near us is almost flooded shut and the park that is right there has water up to the bottoms of the swings. H and kid went for a ride last night to check it out and kid was amazed at how much water can gather in one spot. Tornado watch for today and I didn't tell kid because I didn't want her to stress out about it - I know she knows what to do at school so it seemed wiser not to mention it.
lilafowler, I'm sorry you aren't feeling supported by your H. His line of thinking about how things would get done if you were rich is just silliness so I'd be frustrated with that too. We actually are finally at a point where we can afford cleaners, but that doesn't mean we never have to lift a finger for anything else in the house - I imagine that only ends up being the case if you are extremely wealthy and can hire out literally everything, but most people don't have a decorator or someone on call to do every little thing around the house.
My H will help if something is broken and I need him to help me fix it, but he has little interest in decorating or cosmetic changes so I handle all of that myself, too. Especially stuff like hanging pictures and rugs, you don't need him for that! If he is going to veto what you choose, tell him he has two choices - give input or sit back and shut up. But if you just feel like you need a hand, I am 100% sure you are capable. Now SHOULD he help if you ask - probably yes. But if he's not going to, don't let that stop you and make it an even bigger problem.
lilafowler you got good advice so all I will emphasize is that you can’t control how your DH feels, but you can take care of your needs. I have to remind myself of this often, especially during tax season (DH is an accountant).
I finished all my Passover cleaning and most of the shopping. I have not even started my cooking. Luckily we are hosting 2nd night seder - tonight we are going to friends - so I’m going to focus on baking today and seder food tomorrow. It’s been several weeks of nonstop activities/travel/things I need to do. I’m hopeful Passover will provide a little bit of respite. My mom is coming in town today, which is not respite, but she leaves Monday so 🤞🏻 the second half of the holiday is great.
lilafowler, echoing all PPs that you absolutely should pick a thing here or there that you want to do to spruce things up.
I get that it's a bummer that your DH doesn't seem to care. I know somewhere in the middle is probably ideal, but sometimes I wish that my DH cared a bit less about decor stuff. Because he does care so much, we basically need to put tons of thought into every little thing, hemming and hawing - sometimes I wish I could just go out and get what I want, but then I know he'd be bummed out that he wasn't involved in the choice.
lilafowler , I’m sorry you’re having a rough time and hope things get better soon
PDQ-This is going to make me sound like a jerk but we have this neighbor who I wish would just leave the state. I don’t know how someone you barely know can be such a toxic presence. She’s had the police here like 5x since the beginning of the year and fights with everyone, EVERYONE. The whole family needs some mental health assistance but…it’s never them, it’s you who causes all the issues. I’m almost dreading it getting warm because then they’ll be out again screaming at people.
@sameoldstory, how was the interview!? When will you find out?
I think it went okay. I did go completely blank when they asked me a question that I KNEW the answer to, and I think I recovered well, but I guess we’ll see. The people I met with didn’t give any indication of a timeline, so I’m hoping by the end of the week, but I don’t know for sure because I don’t know when they are meeting with the other candidate. I feel at this point that the job is mine to lose, so hopefully I did well enough. I’m going to send out my thank you emails this morning and I guess then I’ll just hold my breath LOL Thank you for asking
Post by blondemoment123 on Apr 5, 2023 9:09:52 GMT -5
The person ahead of me at Starbucks paid for my order. I'm not a jerk for just saying thank, am I? I still tipped cash. I appreciate the kindness but never know how to react.
Post by blondemoment123 on Apr 5, 2023 9:13:11 GMT -5
lilafowler H grew up in extreme poverty, so now he works way harder than he needs to, which is his way of overcompensating. But we live in a little starter home and by no means have money for decorators.
We have an all day tornado watch in my area - it creates a series of steps for staff should be doing and I am annoyed none of them know what to do. I just made it mandatory that they review the emergency binder every month.
The person ahead of me at Starbucks paid for my order. I'm not a jerk for just saying thank, am I? I still tipped cash. I appreciate the kindness but never know how to react.
Not a jerk! When people do that they should just do it to be kind, not to create an expectation that others will do the same.
I am on day 3 of my spring break. Monday, I used a carpet scrubber on all of our rugs, cleaned up the yard, and finished shopping for DS's Easter basket. Yesterday, I drove to another town for lunch, shopping at Traders Joes and Wegmans, and Starbucks (we don't have any of those places so it's a special treat for me lol). Today I'm back at home. I'm trying to do a mix of productive things and things that are fun for me this week. I feel a little guilty that H is still working. I just did my workout, and I'm going to try and scrub our couch. After lunch I plan on washing my car since it has bird shit all over it, and then I might read outside for awhile. I would also like to do a deep clean of our kitchen floor and go through my closet but it's supposed to be rainy tomorrow so I'll save that activity for then.
H and DS will be home Friday then and the rest of the weekend will go fast because we have plans every day, so I'm trying to savor the alone time this week!
lilafowler , hugs. Not to center myself in your story, but one thing I find difficult about being positive is how it makes me feel like I can't complain at all. Does that resonate with you? I am trying to be more mindful and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life, but for me, that doesn't/can't mean never being able to voice frustration, disappointment, etc. Especially when I am struggling, being told (or telling myself!) to just be more positive only makes me more anxious. It's ok to vent. We are here for you.
My town clerk told me this morning that I look like Kristin Davis. I took that as a real compliment! I usually get Winona Ryder or Tina Fey.
The person ahead of me at Starbucks paid for my order. I'm not a jerk for just saying thank, am I? I still tipped cash. I appreciate the kindness but never know how to react.
I never go to Starbucks, so how does this work? How does the person ahead of you know how much your order is? They just wait around and then insert their card or give cash to the cashier? Saying thank you isn’t being a jerk!!
The person ahead of me at Starbucks paid for my order. I'm not a jerk for just saying thank, am I? I still tipped cash. I appreciate the kindness but never know how to react.
I never go to Starbucks, so how does this work? How does the person ahead of you know how much your order is? They just wait around and then insert their card or give cash to the cashier? Saying thank you isn’t being a jerk!!
I've only experienced this in drive thrus. Usually the orders are in by the time the person gets to the window to pay.
I never go to Starbucks, so how does this work? How does the person ahead of you know how much your order is? They just wait around and then insert their card or give cash to the cashier? Saying thank you isn’t being a jerk!!
I've only experienced this in drive thrus. Usually the orders are in by the time the person gets to the window to pay.
Ohhhh! Since I don’t own a car and live in a city I totally forgot drive thru exists lol. Makes sense!
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Apr 5, 2023 11:35:36 GMT -5
Our spring break is only half over, but I'm already needing more time. My mom is coming over to dye eggs with the kids today, and I have to take my car in to get an estimate for the damage I did when I was in an accident a few weeks ago, and both of those things are cutting in to what I actually want/need to get done with my kids while they are off. I totally forgot about the car appointment and didn't realize I scheduled it over break (just took their 1st available appt) until I got the reminder. And of course it's right in the middle of the day tomorrow. I don't want to make my kids have to go sit through that appointment either, so it really kills the whole day. Maybe my mom will take a hint and leave quickly after dying eggs and we can still do stuff this afternoon? LOL wishful thinking on my part I'm sure.
I'm getting a haircut today and I have no idea what to do with it. It's almost down to my butt and I haven't had it cut in almost a year. I don't do anything exciting with it...usually let it air dry and just leave it down. I'll put it in a ponytail after it dries if I'm cleaning cabins and occasionally I'll braid it when it's wet. If I have somewhere "important" to go, I'll blow dry it so it dries straight. I need to keep it long enough to pull back into a ponytail, but other than that, I have no idea what to do.