Ok well to defend MY husband, I’ve posted on MM about how he has a history of multiple brain injuries (plus ADHD) and he may need to retire early, so I don’t consider his forgetting to be weaponized incompetence. And with all the nonstop logistics of 50/50 custody, I think things fall through the cracks even for people with fantastic brain health. And yes, in OP’s situation he can take the extra step to relay it all to her and then relay it all back. I personally wouldn’t make that choice, but sure.
and you have a very unique situation and I’m sure it’s challenging. But you’re very much projecting your situation onto the OPs situation, and they clearly aren’t the same. The OP has TRIED To include the new wife, but they are holding her to unrealistic standards and the wife clearly feels she should have more if a say in HEALTH CARE decisions for children that are not hers.
I adamantly disagree with this advice. Honestly this gives very much a “you two should really try to get along” vibe. If you’ve never been in court to decent a decision in legal custody for the best interest of your child, to someone who is actively Counterparenting those decisions (which it sounds like he is) you really can’t understand this dynamic.
She needs documentation of these conversations or they never happened.
Just so it's clear: The OP CANNOT make decisions right now because her ex has blocked her from communication because he has control through text and email. Are you suggesting that there are NOT ways in which she can document a phone call and what was said? Because in my state you can record phone calls. You can write down the date and time of the call as well as what was said--similar to what is done in counseling or doctor's note--and no where did I say don't document, and no where did I suggest that it was a "you should try to get along," vibe--I'm sorry you took it that way. Effectively the Ex has taken away her voice and so--NO they are NOT getting along and she has no control in the situation. Explain to the group how they are "getting along," now? Because she seems a little hamstrung and that's part of what she's asking about.
There are ways she can have her voice heard, and gain back some control. And there are ways she can safely, legally and effectively document her conversations while using the phone.
campermom you have a really unique and troubled situation with your ex and the way you deal with him is certainly a way, but it's not the way.
I'm not giving YOU advice or asking that you consider it for your situation, and I'm not goiving advice generally. I'm giving advice for this situation and the context given.
You seem to be personalizing my pov, but gently, this isn't advice for you, and this situation isn't yours although I can see how this situation might have personal elements for you.
I do agree with that. I definitely give my opinion but ultimately it’s up to them, as it should be. They have to do what they think is best. But even then, they include me in the conversation and I’m given a voice. For example we are apparently throwing our oldest a 21st bday party complete with alcohol, which is something I disagree with. Go enjoy being 21, and you’re welcome to drink with us, but paying for you and your friends to get drunk is not high on my priority list (actually I think it’s kind of inappropriate). But it’s super important to the kids’ mom, and my husband doesn’t want to fight her on it and be the bad guy in his daughter’s eyes, so I lose. Oh well, not a huge deal except it’s costing way more than I’m comfortable with but again, I got no say on this aspect of our joint finances. I can’t imagine how irate I’d be if his ex acted like my opinion didn’t matter at all, even if she did overrule it.
Is your opinion asked for? Are you giving this opinion about parenting decisions, or scheduling discussions?
Well we’ve been doing this coparenting together thing for a long time at this point, so it’s different. We’ve established trust that we all have our kids’ best interests at heart. But yes I do give my opinion on more than just the logistical, and I don’t even ask for a formal invitation anymore! I do about 1/3 of the medical appointments myself, even! For a while I was doing more because I had the job with the most flexibility, so I took my stepkid to the doctor for an evaluation for mental health medication and the ex wife was grateful, if you can imagine! I think it helps that my H’s ex is also a stepmom, so she navigates this from both sides as well.
Is your opinion asked for? Are you giving this opinion about parenting decisions, or scheduling discussions?
Well we’ve been doing this coparenting together thing for a long time at this point, so it’s different. We’ve established trust that we all have our kids’ best interests at heart. But yes I do give my opinion on more than just the logistical, and I don’t even ask for a formal invitation anymore! I do about 1/3 of the medical appointments myself, even! For a while I was doing more because I had the job with the most flexibility, so I took my stepkid to the doctor for an evaluation for mental health medication and the ex wife was grateful, if you can imagine! I think it helps that my H’s ex is also a stepmom, so she navigates this from both sides as well.
Great. Glad that’s working out for you. OP clearly feels differently than your husband’s ex. If she doesn’t want the new wife involved in medical decisions for her children, that’s entirely reasonable.
campermom you have a really unique and troubled situation with your ex and the way you deal with him is certainly a way, but it's not the way.
I'm not giving YOU advice or asking that you consider it for your situation, and I'm not goiving advice generally. I'm giving advice for this situation and the context given.
You seem to be personalizing my pov, but gently, this isn't advice for you, and this situation isn't yours although I can see how this situation might have personal elements for you.
Actually, I don't think her situation is unique at all, for divorced parents dealing with antagonistic non custodial parents. There's a lot of them. And I've heard a hundred stories with some variation of this situation. I think campermom is correct that when it comes to parents who are disagreeing on how to effectively communicate, written communication is the only way to go.
All I have to add is that if my dad (who is technically my step dad) felt he had “given up a huge chunk of his life” to help raise me, I don’t think we’d enjoy the very close, special relationship we have today.