Post by penguingrrl on Aug 1, 2023 19:07:03 GMT -5
Sending hugs your way. I’m so sorry. I grew up in a house where we were always walking on eggshells because of my father. Our lives got substantially better when my mom finally left, even with how hard it was.
And watching my mom get out of an abusive situation gave us the confidence to get into healthy relationships as adults, and now she’s in a very healthy and happy relationship. You deserve that, too.
My friend. You have tried so hard and he has tried so little for so, so long. An equal partnership doesn't have to be 50/50 every minute, but you guys have been averaging 90/10 over years. You're worthy of more. You're loved and loveable.
I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this and am glad you are taking positive steps. Lots of hugs. I know how hard it is when someone makes threats like that and you have to worry if they are serious or not. It's important to remember, though, ultimately, his mental health and whatever choices he makes are NOT your responsibility.
Please start taking steps now to protect yourself financially.
I am glad you were able to read the advice here and know it was written with love and your best interest at heart. You and your children deserve better. I can't wait for the day when this internet community can celebrate that with you.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Sending you positive thoughts for lots of strength for whatever is next. I started a reply but didn’t want to pile on, so I’ll just say I grew up in a similar household and the relief I felt when my parents finally divorced (when I was an adult) was enormous and I very much hope you and your kids feel that same relief and peace.
I’m in here late bc I was offline all day but I wanted to send you lots of love. I’m so sorry this is happening- holding you and the kids in the light ❤️
You’ve gotten great advice in here from some very wise women. We’re all here to support you.
Oh god, one more thing I forgot. Until I posted, it never really occurred to me that this was anything other than a true cry for help.
Because he's been manipulating you for years. It's hard to see when you're deep in it.
You are a motherfucking boss, a smart and talented woman, a gifted teacher, a wonderful daughter, a supportive sister, an incredible friend, and a loving mom. You are so much more than you know.
Everyone has already said the encouraging words to put yourself and the kids first and to really think about the kind of life you want to keep living so I’ll just echo the support.
I’m sorry that you have lived like this for so long and hope you can find peace in choosing not to.
Oh god, one more thing I forgot. Until I posted, it never really occurred to me that this was anything other than a true cry for help.
It is okay not to realize all possible scenarios! You are in the middle of traumatic events. We get tunnel vision.
And this could be true. He could be crying for help, but he has to act on that help. You cannot be held accountable for his actions or lack of actions. That is the manipulative part. He wants you to feel for him but not be accountable. Everyone experiences mental illness. He isn’t the first person or the last to have this experience. He is hiding behind the mental health using it as a victim blaming.
My therapist once said “you can’t help who doesn’t want to be helped no matter how far at rock bottom they appear. Your rock bottom is a personal measurement.”
I will also add another phrase H learned at therapy. “You cannot care for someone else’s problems more than they do.”
As someone who has been in his position I don’t want to over look the severity of his statement. I also don’t think you should be the one who has to do the work. If he’s not crying wolf then he should absolutely take action.
This is a very difficult situation. You have three kids and yourself that have to be first.
Oh god, one more thing I forgot. Until I posted, it never really occurred to me that this was anything other than a true cry for help.
Because he's been manipulating you for years. It's hard to see when you're deep in it.
You are a motherfucking boss, a smart and talented woman, a gifted teacher, a wonderful daughter, a supportive sister, an incredible friend, and a loving mom. You are so much more than you know.
Yes, all of this.
You said you need to wait, but what for? (Just tossing that out there for you to think about, you don’t need to answer this to us!) He can just go. Or give him a super short time line, like 4 days to find a place to go. He’s an adult. He can figure out literally anything he needs to.
If there are childcare issues, I get that. If it’s anything other than necessities, please don’t continue to wait. You’ve waited so long and have no results. Any more time will not change that.
Huge hugs to you. We are all here for you, no matter how things go though. ❤️❤️❤️
Oh god, one more thing I forgot. Until I posted, it never really occurred to me that this was anything other than a true cry for help.
I didn't comment on that part because to be honest, I don't think it matters if it's a true cry for help or not. You've posted a lot previously, so it seems your H has shown his true colors time and time again. It's not your responsibility to stay around and fix him while remaining in an abusive marriage.
If personal stories help - My ex was verbally abusive. When we moved for me to start school he started having more anxiety and I think at 1 point in an argument he did mention suicide. He actually did go to therapy once or twice, but he also continued to treat me like shit at times. So it didn't matter to me if he truly had anxiety or not or depression or whatever...that didn't give him the excuse to treat me poorly nor did I need to stick around to find out if he changed. Maybe that's cold hearted. But no one gets a medal for being miserable for X amount of days. I never felt more free then they day I told him things were over and I moved out. You do not have to live like this and your kids can heal from this.
it didn't matter to me if he truly had anxiety or not or depression or whatever...that didn't give him the excuse to treat me poorly nor did I need to stick around to find out if he changed.
Quoting this to echo it and amplify it.
Nothing gives him the right or excuse to treat you and your children as poorly as he treats you.
We are all pulling for you. We all believe in you.
Post by killercupcake on Aug 1, 2023 23:16:34 GMT -5
I grew up in a house with a mother who consistently had me walking on eggshells and being mindful of HER feelings and emotions. She would often make the suicide threats, fly off the handle, etc.
I’m about to be 37 and am still working through what it did to me.
I loathe saying “do it for the kids,” but if you need a motivator, do it for them. But absolutely do it for you. You’re allowed to leave. You’ve put in a LOT of time and effort. He has… not. At a certain point, as an adult, he has to make a decision to change. He doesn’t get to just keep on doing what he’s doing at the expense of those around him.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Aug 2, 2023 2:13:08 GMT -5
Oh my sweet, smart and beautiful friend.
I cannot wait for the day you realize that he can no longer be the only person in your world you’re willing to fight for.
You have value. So much value. Your kids have value. Immeasurable value. Living like this extinguishes their light a little bit more each day. The older ones know it.
Why is his theoretical potential more important than everything else? Everyone else? Why do you insist he remain the rock you all break yourselves against?
When you’re ready to get this albatross off your neck I will be here cheering you the whole way.
You can tell him to get the therapy and meds he needs (although he already knows and doesn't care or he's in denial), but like pp said, you should not give him any more time in your house even if he gets the therapy and meds or says he will. It will take him months if not years to get his shit together and change his abusive ways. He absolutely does not need to continue abusing all of you while doing it.
He doesn't need or deserve any additional warnings. Take the time you need to get your finances and records in order, but please recognize that you can be done now. You're still thinking of him first when you think that you need to give him an ultimatum.
Post by Monica Geller on Aug 2, 2023 20:35:46 GMT -5
I’m just catching up on this. I’m so sorry Prof!! Everyone else has said all the things I wanted to say. It’s okay to be done. He’s not going to change.
I'm so sorry. I think kicking him out is a good idea.
Does he have access to guns? Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
No we don’t have any guns. Thank god. I don’t think he’d ever intentionally hurt me.
Just food for thought: he is hurting you just not with his hands. Verbal and emotional abuse *hurts* but it does not leave marks on your body. It leaves marks on your psyche instead. Just as painful, just as in need of healing.
Post by JayhawkGirl on Aug 4, 2023 12:02:41 GMT -5
PDQ. I have wished you peace and support for many years. I was Lucy in this marital/depression/threat dynamic. He lobbed the threats my way when my mom quit engaging with his antics. It was not right to put 13-25 year old me in that frontline. After his first threat, teen me was worried sick anytime he was late coming home. They’re still married. It all defines my relationship with him, but even more with my mom to this day. And it ain’t good. I want to be close to her. But the further I have grown in my marriage (which took me YEARS to understand it could be different and I wanted to be married) and the further I have grown in my parenting journey, I have, frankly less forgiveness for either of them for what I was left to endure and moderate growing up. He still manipulates and shuts me out - we are about four (five??) years now into him not speaking to me unless absolutely necessary.
Post by midwestmama on Aug 4, 2023 12:25:27 GMT -5
Hugs, ProfessorArtNerd. I'm sorry you and your kids are in this situation.
I don't know all of the history, and this is a very general comment, and you may already know this, but often suicidal threats are a response by people who have Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, when the people they are trying to manipulate and control stop letting themselves be controlled.
I've been reading your posts for years and remember feeling that your marriage felt a lot like mine did. It took about two years of therapy for me to realize that my exH and I needed to divorce. It's been nearly four years since the divorce and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. The kids (12 and 9) are doing very well, much better than when we all lived in the same house. They have a much better relationship with their father and with me. And my ex appears to be doing better also. All of the steps of divorce felt so overwhelming and impossible. But I did it and everyone is better for it.
Post by turkturkleton on Aug 4, 2023 16:13:23 GMT -5
I know I'm late to chime in here, but I've been trying to find a way to word a response that isn't too harsh for you to hear.
First off, I want to say that your husband's abuse of you is not your fault. You can't cause someone to treat you that way, and there's nothing you can do to deserve it. You said that he would never intentionally hurt you, but he does. He is actively choosing not to be your partner, to lash out at you and his children, and does nothing to change. It doesn't matter at this point if he has real mental health challenges or if he's lying/exaggerating them as a form of control. It's his responsibility to manage himself, and he has shown you time and time again that he won't.
That said, you have become complicit in the abuse of your children. Every day you stay in your marriage, your children are being traumatized again. They cannot protect themselves from their own father, and you can't protect them either as long as you are with him. In their eyes, you are choosing your husband's mistreatment over their comfort and safety in their own home. You are choosing him at their expense, and they are being irreparably damaged by it.
I work with the Lucys and Davids and Joeys of the world, and I can tell you that you're going to lose them. If you continue to stay, you will never have a truly good relationship with them. You so very clearly love your kids, so I'm certain this isn't your goal. Make the choice to stop sacrificing your children to this broken dynamic before it's too late for all of you, before the cycle begins to repeat with them.