I understand the impulse of wanting to make the cousin deliver the bad news, but I doubt the DD in this scenario would prefer to be disappointed to her face by the bride vs told in private by her mom.
As crappy as this is, I would just deal with it so DD can experience the fun part (the ceremony) and try to explain to her matter-of-factly that plans have changed. Maybe say there isn’t fun stuff anymore and it’s an adult-only gathering but you’ll get X fun alternative with dad.
The cousin can be made to feel guilty without involving the DD.
I was just coming in to say the same thing - making the cousin deliver the news punishes the cousin but also potentially further punishes the DD because it needs to be handled delicately and cousin has proven they can't do that.
I am so incredibly sorry for your DD. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and it isn't kind. I really hope you find the right words to help ease her disappointment and that your XH finds a wonderful activity to do with her.
Post by fancynewbeesly on Aug 14, 2023 10:06:22 GMT -5
This scenario almost happened to us with our six year old at the time. It was our BIL and SIL. DH and I pretty much said that if she couldn’t go to the reception (she was a flower girl too) we wouldn’t have her be in the ceremony. There were a ton of things also. So I was at the end of my rope with them. I do like my BIL but can’t stand my SIL and he lets her pull all this crap. She ended up being at the reception. (We would have no one to watch her so no one would have attended due to spite probably)
Post by starburst604 on Aug 14, 2023 10:08:35 GMT -5
Oh hell no. DD was a flower girl for H's cousin at age 6 and we'd all have been livid if they'd pulled something like this. Maybe the bride somehow doesn't get how rotten this is? If you're close with her, I'll give her the BOTD that she's normally a decent person and maybe just needs a reality check from you. I'd say something like "hey I know I said ok to her not coming, but after we talked about it I thought it over and realized C is going to be REALLY upset about missing the reception because I told her all about it and she was so excited. Could you reconsider?" If she still says no after that, I'd seriously pull her out of the wedding because that is just garbage, or just say you'll both be leaving after the ceremony.
I cannot imagine any scenario where she vents to another person about how UNREASONABLE her cousin is being about her kid not being allowed at the reception after having already invited her, and that person telling her she's right.
I know this would crush your daughter even more but I'd be pulling my daughter from the wedding. No children? Then no flower girl. Let's be consistent. Or bring her to the reception anyway. Your cousin and her stbh suck. They really suck.
I understand the impulse of wanting to make the cousin deliver the bad news, but I doubt the DD in this scenario would prefer to be disappointed to her face by the bride vs told in private by her mom.
As crappy as this is, I would just deal with it so DD can experience the fun part (the ceremony) and try to explain to her matter-of-factly that plans have changed. Maybe say there isn’t fun stuff anymore and it’s an adult-only gathering but you’ll get X fun alternative with dad.
The cousin can be made to feel guilty without involving the DD.
I was just coming in to say the same thing - making the cousin deliver the news punishes the cousin but also potentially further punishes the DD because it needs to be handled delicately and cousin has proven they can't do that.
I am so incredibly sorry for your DD. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and it isn't kind. I really hope you find the right words to help ease her disappointment and that your XH finds a wonderful activity to do with her.
I totally agree and even thought about what I would do which is not actually make that happen, but in telling the cousin to be the bearer of the news I think it would force her to consider the emotional impact on a 7 year old since otherwise she would normally be able to conveniently avoid that, and then she would say “oh Nevermind she can come”
I was just coming in to say the same thing - making the cousin deliver the news punishes the cousin but also potentially further punishes the DD because it needs to be handled delicately and cousin has proven they can't do that.
I am so incredibly sorry for your DD. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and it isn't kind. I really hope you find the right words to help ease her disappointment and that your XH finds a wonderful activity to do with her.
I totally agree and even thought about what I would do which is not actually make that happen, but in telling the cousin to be the bearer of the news I think it would force her to consider the emotional impact on a 7 year old since otherwise she would normally be able to conveniently avoid that, and then she would say “oh Nevermind she can come”
But I’d still hold a grudge. Let’s be honest
I come from a family of Olympic grudge holders, and I'd be right along with you, flexing ALL my grudge-holding muscles!!!!
Post by wanderingback on Aug 14, 2023 10:15:31 GMT -5
Actually the more I think about it I would probably say "oh no, that really sucks that she’s now being uninvited because she was really excited. Can you make an exception since she’s the flower girl and was already invited ?" If she said no then, I would proceed with my plan to not go to the reception and do something fun with my daughter instead.
I would 100% talk to her and tell her it is not an option to uninvite C at this point. Say how excited she is, etc. tell crazy bride it is common to make exceptions for bridal party!!! I would argue this hard for my kid behind the scenes.
Honestly, I agree. The bride is about to hurt her beloved little cousin so deeply, and that will last longer than her stupid wedding reception. She needs to come to her senses and make an exception.
And I wouldn’t hesitate to pull my mom and aunt / the bride’s mom into this *if* I thought they’d be on my side and could effectively advocate for me.
I wouldn’t pull C from the ceremony. That would just hurt her more. But I do agree that I’d also leave immediately after the ceremony and go do something fun in our pretty dresses. Go have cake and dance somewhere else.
That’s really shitty and I would be upset. Agree that I would say something and let the bride know how hurtful she’s being, and I would probably also skip the reception if my kid had been uninvited. That is so crappy and unkind.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
I wouldn’t pull C from the ceremony. That would just hurt her more. But I do agree that I’d also leave immediately after the ceremony and go do something fun in our pretty dresses. Go have cake and dance somewhere else.
You're right about that... Which makes me reconsider my burn it down stance. I would seriously make it clear to the couple that the only reason DD was staying in the ceremony was because she would be too upset otherwise. I would not attend the reception and let the entire family understand the situation. I'm petty as fuck.
I’m not saying this is the most mature thing to do, but I’d be fucking furious and I’d say the above and let her know that we’ll both leave immediately after the ceremony. There’s no way I’d sit through the reception by myself after that.
I wouldn't even attend the ceremony. It's absolute bullshit to pull this on anyone, especially a kid in your family.
Yep, I wouldn't even go. I have a 5 year old daughter and she'd be SO upset if someone did this to her. And my husband? He has no chill. He'd burn it down if this happened.
I'm so sorry this is happening. You are definitely not overreacting.
I bet she has her own kid in a few years and will be the person to lose her damn mind if someone decides to have a child free anything.
Post by pinkplasticdoll on Aug 14, 2023 10:35:53 GMT -5
Why are people like this? I would tell her she needs to explain to your dd and then attend the ceremony but leave after . Is it possible she is over her count and cutting kids was the easiest thing for her to do? It doesn't excuse her behavior but could be the reason.
I wouldn’t pull C from the ceremony. That would just hurt her more. But I do agree that I’d also leave immediately after the ceremony and go do something fun in our pretty dresses. Go have cake and dance somewhere else.
You're right about that... Which makes me reconsider my burn it down stance. I would seriously make it clear to the couple that the only reason DD was staying in the ceremony was because she would be too upset otherwise. I would not attend the reception and let the entire family understand the situation. I'm petty as fuck.
Actually the more I think about it I would probably say "oh no, that really sucks that she’s now being uninvited because she was really excited. Can you make an exception since she’s the flower girl and was already invited ?" If she said no then, I would proceed with my plan to not go to the reception and do something fun with my daughter instead.
OP, you better come back and update us!!!
I really like this response, especially the part mentioning she was uninvited. You don't uninvite people to shit, I don't care if they're 7 or 70.
I also want to add, your daughter is 7. She isn't a 2 y/o flower girl who wouldn't even care this was happening. At 7, she is old enough to fully grasp how shitty this is.
30 years old - it’s not like she’s a beebee bride… what a short sighted thing to do. And she’ll save what, $35 on your kid’s meal and keep some false sense of equity for three hours to forever impact a relationship with you and your kid? So not worth it. And yes, let’s make the single mom who is probably otherwise so looking forward to a fun night out make new plans for her kid the night of the wedding two weeks out. Serious, serious side eye to your cousin. Has she always been this dense?
Yes I would be very upset. And I don't think people without children get a pass for not thinking about them - I don't have kids and I can still consider a child's feelings. I can't imagine doing this to my niece.
I would definitely talk to cousin again. If you are close I think you can tell her how you really feel. Hopefully she is just trying too hard to please people whose kids weren't invited and hasn't thought this through enough.
Do not have kids at the ceremony if they are not invited to the reception.
I am invited to a kid's free reception in a couple weeks but the invite says clearly that family and the children of the wedding party are an exception. Basically, rando guests can't bring their kids but we acknolwedge that it would be too much of a burden to ask the ring bear to go home after the ceremony.
I am pretty much let the bride decide how she wants her day, but I would say something to her. This is unfair and too late in the game to be making this change.
30 years old - it’s not like she’s a beebee bride… what a short sighted thing to do. And she’ll save what, $35 on your kid’s meal and keep some false sense of equity for three hours to forever impact a relationship with you and your kid? So not worth it. And yes, let’s make the single mom who is probably otherwise so looking forward to a fun night out make new plans for her kid the night of the wedding two weeks out. Serious, serious side eye to your cousin. Has she always been this dense?
She’s not even saving on the food! OP already planned to share her meal with her daughter because she realizes her daughter probably won’t eat much!
I have a 7 year old girl who would be so devastated by this.
First, I would complain to my mom, who would talk to her sister, who would talk to her daughter. Not exactly functional but mine is a very matriarchal family. Try to get her invited again, for your daughter’s sake.
If that didn’t work, I would check in with my daughter, and I’d do whatever would make her happiest. If she didn’t want to be a flower girl anymore, I’d pull her out. If she wanted to skip out together after the ceremony, I’d do that. If she wanted a daddy date while I went to the reception, I would do that.
Basically I’d navigate it so I protected my daughter as much as possible and minimized the damage to her, and I wouldn’t GAF what it did to my cousin’s wedding. My daughter is not a prop.
I don't understand how the bride thought this would go down. Were there only 2 kids invited to the wedding beforehand? Is she screwing over other families at this point, too? And if it was just two kids, and one is 2, what is the harm of inviting them as they won't stay for the whole reception anyway?
This is incredibly shitty, and the bride needs a cold dash of reality.
Oh yeah, what side of the family is this on? The way my mom would have fucked shit up if this was her family would have been swift and effective. I would definately work that angle if it is an option.
I would not attend the reception and let the entire family understand the situation. I'm petty as fuck.
Oh I would absolutely broadcast this to the entire family. No question.
I'm here. Let your daughter stay in the ceremony, and push for pictures. That part is so weird to me, why make you spend HUNDREDS of dollars on a dress, hair, make up etc. to not get a couple of pictures of the flower girl? Why have a flower girl then? If she's two weeks out from her wedding then she knows how much you're spending on all of this.
I agree that both of you skip the reception, even though you've already offered to have your daughter share your meal, which I think is an awesome, cost saving compromise. Let the bride eat the cost of at least one plate, which I assume is going to be close to $100 a person now a days. I would make a stink to the mom or another family member why I wasn't going to the reception, and hope the mom of bride understands why this is a big deal, not make you the bad cousin.
FTR I'm ok with adult-only receptions, especially at night, BUT you tell every.single.guest at least 6 mo, ideally a year in advance so that they can plan childcare. If they can't arrange childcare or really want their child there, then they don't have to come to the wedding. I love kids, but sometimes a kid-free reception with advance notice is ok. However, in no way can the couple to be change their minds about a guest regardless of age 2 weeks prior to the event now that COVID restrictions aren't a thing (haven't been for a while). Never mind that B&G know the mom of the 7 y.o. has childcare issues and now she has to scramble to find a babysitter (never mind the heart broken kid) so that mom of the flower girl can sit at the reception and be upset. Eff.that.noise, team OP.
I would definitely talk to cousin again. If you are close I think you can tell her how you really feel. Hopefully she is just trying too hard to please people whose kids weren't invited and hasn't thought this through enough.
I had thought of that too as we went through that with our wedding, but we then just said no children immediate family or not were invited. To be fair we had an evening wedding, over an hour away where the parents rented a hotel room, and all of the kids that could/would have come in under the immediate family were like 10 or under. They would have been bored, and fell asleep pretty early, and not eat much of the expensive meal. Sometimes I think people (not on here, in my real life circle) just want their way so bad they'll make you feel like an a-hole for not inviting kids they're happy to have a night away from just to get their way, and it's silly. Before you flame me, people can have an entire reception of guests under 18, but that's the couple to be's choice.
Either way, if the bride and/or groom had included a couple of kids, but not everyone's kids, they have to (annoyingly) tell guests over and over and over that "we have one or two flower girls or ring bearers, but that's it", but it's easier in my mind to just have no children at all, and tell people that months in advance. I don't get inviting kids or any guests to the ceremony, but not the reception, or vice versa, it's rude.
OP please keep us updated, specifically if you find out a "better" reason (who is pushing the bride for no kids at all) for this, and what you decide to do. I still think your cousin is a jerk, and worry how this may effect your relationship going forward. IIRC this was the daughter/niece who wanted to get auntie a special bridal shower gift, so I can't imagine how heartbroken she's going to be.
Post by sofamonkey on Aug 14, 2023 11:05:54 GMT -5
A simple, “thanks for letting me know. I’ll make sure that your ridiculous wishes are fulfilled. You completely suck, and I’ll make sure you remember this until the day I die” should suffice. And broadcast it to the ENTIRE family. Because she sucks more than any straw or vacuum ever made.
I was just coming in to say the same thing - making the cousin deliver the news punishes the cousin but also potentially further punishes the DD because it needs to be handled delicately and cousin has proven they can't do that.
I am so incredibly sorry for your DD. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and it isn't kind. I really hope you find the right words to help ease her disappointment and that your XH finds a wonderful activity to do with her.
I totally agree and even thought about what I would do which is not actually make that happen, but in telling the cousin to be the bearer of the news I think it would force her to consider the emotional impact on a 7 year old since otherwise she would normally be able to conveniently avoid that, and then she would say “oh Nevermind she can come”
But I’d still hold a grudge. Let’s be honest
I saw a meme that sais something like, "If you were ever mean to me, just know that my mom knows and she hates you." I'm not much of a grudge holder, but don't mess with my kids!