He knows that the appraised value is the top of what I can afford, so if the realtor values it higher I'll have no choice but to sell. I can't afford to buy anything because the prices around here are crazy and even rental prices put me over my housing budget. Basically, he gets to walk away and move in with his girlfriend and live happily ever after while I sit in financial ruin.
Is his name on the current mortgage? I thought the mortgage was just in your name. If it is in just your name, can’t you keep your mortgage? If not, it’s not uncommon to make it a part of your settlement agreement to sell when your youngest has graduated high school, turns 19 or 20, etc. Perhaps the appraisal is just meant as an asset assessment (to split in half), not to force you to refinance which requires a move. I know the real issue is that he does not want to get divorced - so he is abusing the legal system to delay a settlement, move out, etc. Anyway, you may have some options that don’t make this current road block so bleak. What an absolute asshole.
Unfortunately it is in both of our names and I am unable to assume it, so I have to refinance in to my name only and pay him his portion of the equity, of which there is a lot. As it stands he's going to get half the equity and half of my 401K, but I guess that isn't enough. I don't mind being fair, but he isn't being fair. He originally agreed to determine the equity split based on the appraisal, but now is demanding the market valuation to try and get more money. In my state, either can be used for settlement, but we have to agree. But since only the appraisal counts for refinancing, I obviously don't want to go the realtor route. His last tactic to screw me over was initially agreeing to give me 12 months to refinance and now he's only offering 60 days. Since they aren't his kids, he has no motivation to give me any extra time in the house. I offered to take out a HELOC to pay him now and refinance or sell when my youngest graduates, but he refused, so clearly it's not just about the money to him, its a means to screw me over again and again. I know that I still need to talk to my lawyer about this update, but it's a serious blow. I was already having a bad day because I broke it off with the guy I was seeing, but now this and other stuff with my kids and exH, today is not good.
Post by midwestmama on Sept 20, 2023 12:09:22 GMT -5
Dog diarrhea continues... DH and I got about 2-3 hours of sleep last night. I was able to get a vet appointment for today (called right before they closed yesterday and they had had a cancellation for an appointment today), thankfully. DH is at the appointment right now, so awaiting the outcome. Whatever it is, hopefully we can get an Rx that will resolve the diarrhea.
starburst604 , wildrice according to my attorney, we can use either the appraised value or the market analysis to base the settlement and buyout off of. Up until this point STBX had agreed to the appraisal. Realistically this is just another tactic to delay things and cost me more money because now we have to go to the settlement conference. He has his family helping him out financially paying for his attorney and I have no one. I can't afford to keep fighting this out, I'm out of money. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm sorry to vent about this all. I'm sure you guys are tired of hearing about it. I just don't really have anyone irl to talk to, they all have their own lives and issues that they are dealing with. I just feel so alone.
Don't be sorry! I can't speak for everyone of course, but I think in general we all just want what's best for you and for him to stop messing with you.
We are going to Germany/Austria on Friday and part of the trip will be a Sound of Music tour in Salzburg. I have never seen the whole movie (I know, I know) so I’m watching it today. I have one billion other things to be doing but it seems like this is important to understand the tour.
Have a great time! We took the tour a week ago and it was great!
@sameoldstory, do you have anything in writing where he agreed to use the appraisal and timeline for the refinance? I don't know how much that would mean where you haven't settled the divorce yet... but maybe it gives your lawyer something to push back with?
It's absolutely beautiful out today. I hate that I have to go back inside soon.
I had to reschedule my hair appointment due to work commitments and I'm so bummed. I really want to just chop it myself. She's squeezing me in a few weeks from now but my ends are rough and my roots are terribly grown out.
@sameoldstory What an ass! What is the benefit to him in all this?
He knows that the appraised value is the top of what I can afford, so if the realtor values it higher I'll have no choice but to sell. I can't afford to buy anything because the prices around here are crazy and even rental prices put me over my housing budget. Basically, he gets to walk away and move in with his girlfriend and live happily ever after while I sit in financial ruin.
Could you agree to this with the stipulation that you get to choose the realtor? And then you could work with the realtor on the side to make sure their number is the same as (or even below? - not sure if there's a downside to that) the appraised figure?
@sameoldstory , do you have anything in writing where he agreed to use the appraisal and timeline for the refinance? I don't know how much that would mean where you haven't settled the divorce yet... but maybe it gives your lawyer something to push back with?
I've always sent an email after our conversations and asked him to confirm, but he never would. I am just now realizing that it's all just been a lie and he's just been stringing me along this whole time. I don't know why I thought he would be a decent human being through this process.
He knows that the appraised value is the top of what I can afford, so if the realtor values it higher I'll have no choice but to sell. I can't afford to buy anything because the prices around here are crazy and even rental prices put me over my housing budget. Basically, he gets to walk away and move in with his girlfriend and live happily ever after while I sit in financial ruin.
Could you agree to this with the stipulation that you get to choose the realtor? And then you could work with the realtor on the side to make sure their number is the same as (or even below? - not sure if there's a downside to that) the appraised figure?
I don't know. I just reached out a realtor to see if maybe they could give me a ballpark to see if it would even be within the amount I can afford, but the way things are going, I'm not feeling very positive.
@sameoldstory, just when I think this douche cannot go lower. I hope your lawyer proverbially kicks him in the balls.
I feel like appraisal and realtor ballparks are going to be very similar. Our appraisal was just below market, it had to be on or close so we could close on our mortgage.
I would be SO tempted to scrub the toilet with his toothbrush. The nerve of this fucking guy!
Post by chilerellanos on Sept 20, 2023 12:40:24 GMT -5
So, I’m in such a weird place now.
I’m not like… sad. Or even really angry.
I mean, I am. Mostly just like… WTF kind of crazy situation was I in?
I was kinda feeling anxious and like, embarrassed and mad at myself yesterday morning. But after therapy, and talking out those feelings I feel a little better.
But sometimes I sit in it too long and I literally want to throw up because of it all.
Obviously the guy is a master manipulator, in an absolutely pathological manner.
He also made it incredibly hard to break up with him. I had tried before, and he would like… twist things around and then you’re still with him. But now feeling insecure and needy. Like, why didn’t I ever just block him and walk away?
Then there were times (a lot, actually, that he was just really really wonderful and supportive. Like, he didn’t just take. He did give also. But he really made (especially from March on- which is when all the other women were happening, but I didn’t know. I HAD ZERO IDEA) really difficult sometimes.
He knew how to chameleon himself to each one of us, to give the person that we would feel safe with. He knew how to gain that trust (and it took me a long time!). It’s wild. I am going to have to write all this down and write a book, or something.
We kind of laugh, because like, we are all really attractive, smart, independent women. He fooled us all. We were all totally blindsided. From March on, I knew he was different. But I thought it was other stuff
Post by maudefindlay on Sept 20, 2023 12:58:25 GMT -5
chilerellanos can you plan a trip to look forward to, even a weekend away to see your kids/relatives? Sounds like you will continue doing the work and addressing this in therapy, so might be nice to have some built in fun to balance all this out.
Post by litskispeciality on Sept 20, 2023 13:13:20 GMT -5
Forgive me because it's been some time since we refinanced, and it was a hot mess that took until the literal last day to close...can you refi in 60 days? Meaning could the lawyer push back saying you need more time to get approved to refi? I really, really hope the lawyer comes back with something good like trying to collect legal fees because this seems excessive. At some point the lawyers should be moving on to new cases, right?
Forgive me because it's been some time since we refinanced, and it was a hot mess that took until the literal last day to close...can you refi in 60 days? Meaning could the lawyer push back saying you need more time to get approved to refi? I really, really hope the lawyer comes back with something good like trying to collect legal fees because this seems excessive. At some point the lawyers should be moving on to new cases, right?
It's definitely possible, but that is one of the reasons why I'm going through the process of getting a pre-approval so that the process would be even faster.
I'm trying to be positive here. It will be 1 year on 10/7 since I filed. As of that date, if stbxh still hasn't agreed to a settlement I can actually request that it just go before the judge for a decision. I run the risk of getting screwed, but also, not. I need to talk to my attorney but I think I actually need to talk to my therapist first to get in the right headspace.
Post by litskispeciality on Sept 20, 2023 13:30:32 GMT -5
(((@sameoldstory,))) I wasn't trying to be snarky at all, just hoping there's another solution. I can't imagine what you're going through, and really hope this can end at some point.
Post by litskispeciality on Sept 20, 2023 13:31:55 GMT -5
I'm sorry in advance if this gets everyone all flustered. Do people IRL care if chili has beans or not? If yes, why is chili without beans "not" chili? I prefer it with beans, so maybe I'm eating it wrong?
I'm sorry in advance if this gets everyone all flustered. Do people IRL care if chili has beans or not? If yes, why is chili without beans "not" chili? I prefer it with beans, so maybe I'm eating it wrong?
I personally prefer it with beans because I don't want to just eat like, meat stew? I need some fiber. Sometimes I pour it over rice. But I'm a Northeast native so I know my opinion doesn't matter lol.
Post by followyourarrow on Sept 20, 2023 13:54:31 GMT -5
@sameoldstory, oh man. I'm sorry he's putting you through all this. This is just so shitty of him. I'd be worried you couldn't refinance at higher than the appraisal, but this is all pretty new to me. I hope your lawyer has some good answers and can make his life as difficult as possible.
chilerellanos, I have some friends where you're at. I can ask if anyone is replacing their pool liner.... kidding, mostly.
Post by wanderingback on Sept 20, 2023 14:06:35 GMT -5
I got the covid and flu vaccine yesterday evening and today I feel pregnant wtf. This low level nausea all day and mild fatigue. I’m definitely never having kids again and this is a wonderful reminder of why haha.
@sameoldstory, oh man. I'm sorry he's putting you through all this. This is just so shitty of him. I'd be worried you couldn't refinance at higher than the appraisal, but this is all pretty new to me. I hope your lawyer has some good answers and can make his life as difficult as possible.
chilerellanos, I have some friends where you're at. I can ask if anyone is replacing their pool liner.... kidding, mostly.
@sameoldstory, oh man. I'm sorry he's putting you through all this. This is just so shitty of him. I'd be worried you couldn't refinance at higher than the appraisal, but this is all pretty new to me. I hope your lawyer has some good answers and can make his life as difficult as possible.
chilerellanos, I have some friends where you're at. I can ask if anyone is replacing their pool liner.... kidding, mostly.
Do they need his name?? No woman is safe from him!
@sameoldstory , oh man. I'm sorry he's putting you through all this. This is just so shitty of him. I'd be worried you couldn't refinance at higher than the appraisal, but this is all pretty new to me. I hope your lawyer has some good answers and can make his life as difficult as possible.
chilerellanos , I have some friends where you're at. I can ask if anyone is replacing their pool liner.... kidding, mostly.
Do they need his name?? No woman is safe from him!
They're all married, so they should be safe from him. I'm so glad for the internet these days, being able to spread the word about guys like him.
Aldi has this cast iron bread baker in today’s ad and my goal today is to acquire it. It is one of my husband’s in office days I normally I reserve these days to get work done in the quiet but but clearly my bread needs this.
You never know what item is going to be popular so I feel like I need to try on the first day of the sale. It looks a lot like the Le Creuset one that’s $240 and I’ve had good luck with Aldi cast iron so I figure it’s worth some effort. It’s only $25! I wish the app had stock lists for my locations though!
Thanks to you I spent $165 at Aldi today. LOL I got the bread baker. (along with a lot of other stuff, obviously) Hope you found it too!
Post by litskispeciality on Sept 20, 2023 14:29:26 GMT -5
This place is bad for my waistline. I texted DH that we should make chili tonight (hence my question about beans) in hopes he'd pick up (box) mix to make cornbread, but no such luck. I at least try to balance with one or two veggies, and repurpose the left overs the next day in something like mac n' cheese made with veggie pasta so it's only half not good for you, lol.
I'm sorry in advance if this gets everyone all flustered. Do people IRL care if chili has beans or not? If yes, why is chili without beans "not" chili? I prefer it with beans, so maybe I'm eating it wrong?
I want beans in mine. Otherwise it feels just like soup? Which isn't bad, I like soup but if I'm expecting chili I'm expecting beans.
I never thought I would cook for my pets, but I guess here I am. The shelter our new dog came from was mixing kibble with chicken, rice, and vegetables. The first day we got her I gave her just the kibble she had been eating and it sat in her bowl slowly being eaten. Since then I cooked chicken breasts, jasmine rice, and peas which I’ve been adding to her kibble. Ratio is about 1/2 cup kibble to approximately 1/2 cup cooked food and she’s been gobbling it up (she’s 30lbs). H texted this morning and wrote that she was laying by her food bowl looking for more. Should we be mixing in more of the cooked food? I have just been adding a scoop of rice and a 2 scoops of mixed chicken and peas so I can’t say for certain that is 1/2 cup, it’s likely more than 1/2 cup.
I never thought I would cook for my pets, but I guess here I am. The shelter our new dog came from was mixing kibble with chicken, rice, and vegetables. The first day we got her I gave her just the kibble she had been eating and it sat in her bowl slowly being eaten. Since then I cooked chicken breasts, jasmine rice, and peas which I’ve been adding to her kibble. Ratio is about 1/2 cup kibble to approximately 1/2 cup cooked food and she’s been gobbling it up (she’s 30lbs). H texted this morning and wrote that she was laying by her food bowl looking for more. Should we be mixing in more of the cooked food? I have just been adding a scoop of rice and a 2 scoops of mixed chicken and peas so I can’t say for certain that is 1/2 cup, it’s likely more than 1/2 cup.
I make my dogs food. I used this website for the recipe. balance.it/ You can create your own recipe based on your dogs weight, age etc and select the ingredients you want (it might tell you it's not balanced and will give you a recipe that is). If you are doing 1/2 kibble and 1/2 homemade, then you can just do 1/2 the recommended amount daily. You might want to give a supplement as well, if you are only giving 1/2 kibble. Kibble has added vitamins, minerals etc. I use this one for my dog. a.co/d/gvRqx5T
This place is bad for my waistline. I texted DH that we should make chili tonight (hence my question about beans) in hopes he'd pick up (box) mix to make cornbread, but no such luck. I at least try to balance with one or two veggies, and repurpose the left overs the next day in something like mac n' cheese made with veggie pasta so it's only half not good for you, lol.
What's not good for you about chili? It's beans, meat and vegetables, that's all perfectly healthy! Or am I the one making chili wrong?