What level of involvement by parents for a sleepover?

[kdubs923]

DS slept at a school friend's house on Friday. DS has had a few play dates with this friend. I've texted with the parents occasionally when coordinating plans & met them briefly for pick up/drop off. But I wouldn't say that I know them very well. DS has slept out before, but it's always been with family or our close neighbors/friends that have known him since birth.

DS is 10. He has ADHD. We're always working with him on being more responsible and independent, but he does often need reminders during our morning and evening routines. When heading off to the sleepover on Friday, I reminded him that he'd need to remember to take his meds, brush his teeth, etc. This is a sleepover with people that don't know him as well, and likely won't be hand holding like his grandmother.

At drop off, I did mention the meds to the mom. I wanted her to know they're in his bag, so they don't get into the wrong hands. I did mention that my hope is he remembers to do everything himself, but that it's still a work in progress and he might need reminders. She said sure.

Good news - he had taken the meds. The unexpected update is that he came home in the same clothes as Friday night. He slept in his clothes overnight (and the mom had sent pictures of the boys playing football and basketball outside that night, so I know he was dirty going to bed). And then he didn't change into clean clothes on Saturday morning. (Both pajamas and clean clothes were packed in the bag with his meds).

What level of involvement do you expect from a parent for a sleepover? For sure, DS should know to get in clean clothes. But I sort of thought since I mentioned he might need guidance/reminders for meds, that a parent might realize they could also mention the other basics, like changing into clean clothes if he's not doing it. Or he's 10 and it shouldn't be the parents problem?

I guess if I have kids at my house, I expect that I should take care of them as I would my own kids. This means checking everyone had what they needed for bed (maybe giving a spare toothbrush for someone that forgot theirs, or grabbing an extra blanket). And the next morning, I'd be giving the group a reminder to get in clean clothes, brush teeth, etc like I do for my 8 and 10 year old in the morning.

[acr]

While I'm usually a stickler for those sorts of hygiene things, I usually don't expect that to happen on a sleepover.

[abs]

Mar 25, 2024 8:20:33 GMT -5 acr said:

While I'm usually a stickler for those sorts of hygiene things, I usually don't expect that to happen on a sleepover.

Yep.

I make sure everyone is comfortable and well fed. I keep allergy friendly food on hand for DD’s best friend that has a gluten intolerance. I don’t enforce teeth brushing on face washing or anything like that. It will happen or not. Part of the fun of sleepovers is a night with less rules.

[AdaraMarie]

I would expect the parent to ask if meds were taken but that's it for a 10 year old. Anything else can slide for one night.

[wanderingback]

Dont have a kid that age but I feel like sleepovers are exactly for doing things like staying up late, eating junk food, not brushing teeth and not showering/changing clothes. This would not bother me one bit and I wouldn’t expect the parent to "force" your child to change clothes. Maybe they said "time to get ready for bed" and left the kids at it for how "getting ready for bed happened." I mean I guess if I were a parent in this situation and I saw a kid wasn’t in their pajamas I might ask them if they wanted to change clothes, but I wouldn’t really enforce the issue or follow up at that age.

[archiethedragon]

My 10 year old will often spend all day Saturday at home in the clothes he slept in Friday night...

[dcrunnergirl52]

Mar 25, 2024 8:37:12 GMT -5 abs said:

Mar 25, 2024 8:20:33 GMT -5 acr said:

While I'm usually a stickler for those sorts of hygiene things, I usually don't expect that to happen on a sleepover.

Yep.

I make sure everyone is comfortable and well fed. I keep allergy friendly food on hand for DD’s best friend that has a gluten intolerance. I don’t enforce teeth brushing on face washing or anything like that. It will happen or not. Part of the fun of sleepovers is a night with less rules.

Same. I might tell the kids to go change into PJs and get ready for bed, but I'm not going to monitor each kid to make sure they brush. And, in the morning, if they want to stay in PJs, that's totally fine too. Usually parents are coming to pick up in the morning anyway.

A few times, the other kids have needed to get up and be ready early for a practice/appointment, and the parents will ask for kids to be up and dressed at a certain time, and I'll help with that. Otherwise, kids are basically on their own for getting ready post-sleepover, unless we're all going out.

ETA: I would definitely help with medications...I've asked other parents to do the same for my ADHD kids.

[beerlover]

I don't think I'd expect the parent to remind my child to change or do any hygiene related things.

My 7 year old DS has frequent sleepovers with his cousin at my in-laws and sometimes he comes home in the same clothes, even though I pack pajamas. This is annoying to me, and you'd think a grandparent would be more conscientious, but I figure it's the price of free childcare lol.

[Jalapeñomel]

If a kid who wasn’t mine wanted to sleep in his clothes at my kid’s sleepover, I would not care one single bit, and I probably wouldn’t even notice.

So no, I would not expect another parent to make sure my kid changed clothes, especially not at 10.

[sdlaura]

I thought you were going to say he didn’t take his meds. I have a 10-year-old son who has never been invited to a non-family sleepover. If someone were willing to have him all night, I wouldn’t be concerned at all about the clothes! I try to have my kids bathe and change into clean clothes before bed, but that’s more so I don’t have to wash their sheets often vs major hygiene concerns.

[maudefindlay]

Keep them safe and fed and yes to medication reminders. All else is just having fun. I mean if a kid came in from playing covered in mud or spilled something on them I'd make sure they had clothes to change into, but otherwise no.

[mrsGreeko]

I’d say 80% of the time at sleepovers (at my house or away) the kids don’t change into PJs and don’t change into new clothes. It’s a sleepover, it’s not every night. It never occurred to me to care that deeply about it.

My 12 year old DS has ADHD and I 100% always give the hosting parent his meds to give to him. First, so they don’t get into the wrong hands accidentally and second, because he hates taking them and would definitely not take them if he’s not supervised taking them. Plus, I had an older child who was suffering from depression who “saved” meds as she could for “later” so she could kill herself (she never took them), but no meds are unsupervised in my house (and they are all locked up in a med safe as well). A lot of the meds she saved were from sleepovers where I’d trusted her to take her meds on her own. She also has ADHD. She’s in college now so she takes her meds herself now, but my other kids do not. Don’t want to do that whole thing again.

[nicolewi]

I definitely tell the kids it’s time to get their PJs on and it’s time to brush their teeth in that kind of thing. I also check to make sure they have everything they need for bed and offered plenty of snacks and things. That said, if the kid told me he just sleeps in his clothes, or he didn’t bring pajamas, or he doesn’t want to change, I wouldn’t push it. Or if he refused to brush teeth and whatever. Like I’ll provide all the prompts and check in and make sure there are no safety issues, but if they do weird hygiene things anyway, that’s kind of on them.

ETA: this is for the 10 year old ish crowd. Obviously know if my 15-year-old his friend sleep over, I hardly even see them.

[luckystar2]

My dd has had a ton of sleepovers over the years and she started at a young age. I really had minimal involvement. When they were young (younger than 10) I may have encouraged them to get ready for bed. But in no way would I have thought to make them change into PJs. They can wear whatever they want to bed. I’m not forcing them to brush teeth etc. By 10 I really didn’t have any involvement.

The only thing we get involved with is making sure they have things set up before we go to sleep. So making sure they have the tv/streaming stuff all set. Making sure they know where they are sleeping and we set up anything they need. We have several options for sleeping arrangements. And I’ve had to get involved at times to ask them to keep things down if they were too loud really late.

But as another poster said, sleepovers are for staying up late, eating junk food etc. not changing clothes really doesn’t seem like a big deal. i wouldnt expect to be involved with kids at my house for that type of thing and i wouldnt expect other parents to be involved with my kid at their house unless its a safety issue or something critical like a medication.

[InBetweenDays]

Ditto the others. Our kids are teens now so my involvement is even less, but when they were younger I made sure they had a good place to sleep, blankets, pillows, snacks, and water. I'd tell them to get ready for bed at a certain point, but never checked to see that they changed and brushed their teeth.

Again, our kids are older now but DS doesn't even bring a change of clothes when he's goes to a friend's house for a sleepover. Same with his friends staying here.

[kdubs923]

lol ok! It sounds like I need to chill (this is a recurring theme in my life haha).

I guess my expectations were based on his previous sleepovers, but I need to remember family/close friends will be different from school friends.

Thanks MMM for the reality check

[redpenmama]

I agree with others. I think at 10, your son knows to change into new clothes, so if he didn't, it's because he didn't want to. I wouldn't expect the parent to make sure that happened.

My 10-year-old had his first school friend sleepover this weekend, and when I picked him up, he was in pajama pants and the sweatshirt from the day before. So, maybe this is what 10-year-old boys do, ha.

[waverly]

I would expect medication to be taken. I would expect the parent to maybe mention hey guys if you want to change into your PJs now would be a great time, but I would not expect them to enforce it if the child did not change. I also would not expect them to enforce teeth brushing.

[rhian]

I agree with everyone else! My kid is much younger so we're not at this stage yet, but I think would expect the parents to ensure he took his meds, but nothing else beyond keeping them safe. A day of sleeping in dirty clothes, not brushing their teeth, or going to bed late doesn't matter!

[expectantsteelerfan]

I agree with everyone...clothes and PJs are not a priority for sleepovers, and neither are teeth brushing or sleeping arrangements. The more kids, the less I interfere or notice, too. Like, I might offer extra pillows/blankets/sleeping bags, or just show them or remind my kids where they are, but I leave what they do up to them. When my dad has friends sleep over, they often plan to sleep in our finished basement on a big sectional couch or air mattresses, but end up asleep up in the living room. DD and her friends usually stay in her room.

I wanted to add that ds goes to sleep away camp for a week most summers, and he wears the same clothes almost all week straight even though I talk to him about showering and changing before dropping him off every time. It grosses me out so much (he's 14). But it's not a priority for him with everything else going on at camp.

[outnumbered]

A lot of kids find it awkward/uncomfortable to change at a friend's house. When I host sleepovers I mention if they need privacy to use the bathroom and they can lock the door. I don't expect my kids to change at sleepovers. My 17 year old still sleeps at friend's house and he only brings a toothbrush.

[mpc]

My 11 yo son always sleeps in pajamas and puts on clean clothes the next morning.... except when he is having a sleepover. He always seems to come home in the same clothes he was wearing the day before. Or if I friend is sleeping at our house, they are both sleep in their clothes and wear them again the next day. I don't know what it is, but I don't think it's a big deal.

[VillainV]

Mar 25, 2024 8:20:33 GMT -5 acr said:

While I'm usually a stickler for those sorts of hygiene things, I usually don't expect that to happen on a sleepover.

This. I might remind them to “get ready for bed, change into PJs, brush your teeth!” But I’m not going to look over their shoulders to make sure they do those things. My nearly-10 year old is at the age where he feels self-conscious changing in front of people, so I can understand not wanting to change at a sleepover. I think for one night, there’s no harm in going to bed dirty.

[dcrunnergirl52]

Mar 25, 2024 12:01:12 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

I agree with everyone...clothes and PJs are not a priority for sleepovers, and neither are teeth brushing or sleeping arrangements. The more kids, the less I interfere or notice, too. Like, I might offer extra pillows/blankets/sleeping bags, or just show them or remind my kids where they are, but I leave what they do up to them. When my dad has friends sleep over, they often plan to sleep in our finished basement on a big sectional couch or air mattresses, but end up asleep up in the living room. DD and her friends usually stay in her room.

I wanted to add that ds goes to sleep away camp for a week most summers, and he wears the same clothes almost all week straight even though I talk to him about showering and changing before dropping him off every time. It grosses me out so much (he's 14). But it's not a priority for him with everything else going on at camp.

I was just coming in to add the same thing about sleepaway camp and DS1 and DS2. I swear half the clothes that I sent came home clean, and the other half (or less) was just filthy b/c he'd worn everything multiple days. Who even really knows what actually happens with teethbrushing and other things!?

[sparty04]

My son for whatever reason isn't comfortable changing into pajamas when he has a sleepover. So, while I pack pjs and clean clothes, they always come back home. He also doesn't brush teeth or wash his face even though I pack it all for him. I would suggest to the kids to do those things while at my house but I'm not going to police it.

I will make sure meds are taken though when given the heads up.

[meanie]

DD usually comes home in her PJs, if she does manage to change I can guarantee she still has the same gross underwear on. I don't expect any hygiene management from the other parents at this age, I know they will need to do it all when they come back home.

[vmars]

I have a 10 year old son with adhd, so I think the fact that he made it through the whole event without any other issues besides not wearing Pjs is a huge win. We tried to have family friends with kids DS’s age sleep over one night last summer and it went poorly. He kept the other kid awake when he wanted to sleep, ran around the house freaking out and eventually fell asleep on an air mattress in our room.

[docholly]

Other than giving needed meds, feeding kids, and keeping them safe, I don’t have much involvement when my kids have friends for sleepovers. They basically never change into pjs in my experience, and my kids don’t either when they stay at friends’ houses. To be honest, they don’t even really sleep.

[kdubs923]

Mar 26, 2024 10:26:05 GMT -5 vmars said:

I have a 10 year old son with adhd, so I think the fact that he made it through the whole event without any other issues besides not wearing Pjs is a huge win. We tried to have family friends with kids DS’s age sleep over one night last summer and it went poorly. He kept the other kid awake when he wanted to sleep, ran around the house freaking out and eventually fell asleep on an air mattress in our room.

Yeah, the very first time we had a sleepover, DS could NOT settle down. It was his birthday. It was the first time a friend slept over. He was just SO excited. He wanted to do ALL THE THINGS. The other boy was trying to sleep. We finally had to pull DS into our bedroom, he fell asleep in our bed. DH then carried him back to his room after everyone was asleep. We haven't had many sleepovers since.

DS does occasionally stay overnight at our friend's house, across the street. My friend insists he falls asleep no problem when he stays over. Who knows what kind of sorcery happens over there lol (And these are long time friends we've known since before kids, I have no doubt she'd tell me if my kid was being annoying)

ETA - this same friend has no problem telling my kid he needs to change, shower, brush teeth, take care of his plate after dinner, etc. (And I can do the same with her son) So I kind of thought most sleepovers went like that. I'm glad I asked here, now I know!

[dontlook]

At 10 I would mention to change and brush teeth for bed but wouldn’t enforce it. By 13, I have no clue what my DD and her friends do. I don’t see them. Last sleepover no one was in her room so I went searching for them*. They fell asleep in the basement without blankets. I brought down pillows and blankets and covered everybody up. Teens are weird.
*I knew they were in the house*