Tween suicide - UPDATE in replies

[bbdoll]

Looking for some help and/or commiseration on our family's current situation.

Last February 2023, the police showed up at my house at 10:30 at night.  They told us they received an anonymous tip from my daughter's school that she had cut herself and they were doing a well check.  My daughter was sleeping, so I woke her up.  Sure enough, there were marks on her arms.  I still hate myself for not noticing on my own.  Anyways, I took her to the ER that night and they said she could either do inpatient or I could take her home and get her in with a psychiatrist immediately.  Against my better judgment, I took her home.  We got her in with care and I thought she was doing okay.  Not great, but not cutting herself anymore.

Fast forward to about a month ago.  The guidance counselor called me at work and said I needed to come get my daughter.  Three different students had come to her asking to help my daughter.  They said she was talking about suicide and even had a plan.  I called my husband and we decided I would go get her, since I was closer time wise.  I picked her up, cried all the way to the hospital, and took her to the ER again.  This time, they didn't really give us an option.  It was to be inpatient.

We were in the ER from 10:30 on a Thursday morning until about 10:30 Friday morning because they had to wait to get her transport, once they found her a bed an hour away.  I followed the van, signed her in, drove home to get her clothes, etc. and then back the same day.  A total of four hours on the road, with no sleep the night before.  She stayed there for a week and now started a step down unit that is only during the day.  She's home at night.  

I'm struggling so hard.  I have my own issues with depression/anxiety and I was coming off one med and onto another right at this time.  The new med hasn't had time to kick in yet, so I'm doing this with no medicinal help.  My daughter needs me, but I'm breaking.  My husband is a wonderful husband and father.  Problem is, he's a fixer.  He sees a problem and wants to correct it.  We can't just "correct" this, so he's lost and he doesn't know what to do.  So, it's all falling on me, given I have more experience with what she may be feeling.  Has anyone dealt with this?  How did you handle it?  I'm afraid to reprimand her on anything, fear it triggers her.  But, I also know she has to learn to deal with the world as it is.  Help please.

[VillainV]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I haven’t experienced this with a child, but did have to help my husband through inpatient care and step-down care several years ago for severe depression. In his case, as hard as it was,l to navigate at the time, it ended up being the blessing we needed to be able to access the care he really needed and to get me connected to resources.

It sounds like your daughter is connected to resources and is getting the help she needs right now, which is a huge step in the right direction. For you and your H, I HIGHLY recommend you see if you have a local chapter of NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness) and check out the resources they have for families. I attended a course called “Family to Family” which was specifically for family members of those suffering from mental illness, and I can 100% say that attending that course saved my marriage and helped me process my husbands illness. I’m not sure if NAMI still offers F2F, but they are an amazing organization with tons of local chapters, and they will likely have resources that can help you and your H as you navigate your daughter’s illness.

Lots of hugs to you.

[abs]

I’m so sorry. You aren’t alone. PDQ.

Earlier in the school year I got a call from the guidance counselor and was asked to come pick up my daughter. She was in the office crying and having self harm thoughts. It remains the worst day of my life and I was completely stunned. DD was depressed and I didn’t see it. Turns out her self confidence was in the toilet. Real life depression looks much different than what I thought. We took her to her pediatrician who helped us walk through a plan. She was not self harming and did not have a plan and swore she wouldn’t actually hurt herself so we took her home. Was that right? Who knows but we are making our way. We did get DD into therapy right away and while she doesn’t say much she finds it helpful. We also had a psychologist appointment that confirmed the root issue is social anxiety. Right now we aren’t medicating but will re-address this summer if necessary.

Things are ok right now. DD felt better just being taken seriously. We have frequent check ins and she said she is feeling much better. On a scale of 1-10 her depression is a 3 right now after it being a 10 in November/December. Therapy is helping her develop coping skills. I know this will be a lifelong battle though so things will change overtime I am sure.

Your DD has great friends. To me it’s a great sign that she felt comfortable talking to them and I’m glad they immediately got her help. This is how it worked here, too. DD told a good friend how she didn’t want to be here anymore and that friend told her she needed to tell an adult or she would. DD told her favorite teacher and he immediately got her to the right place. I hate that DD couldn’t tell me but I’m so grateful she trusted someone. Her friends have been invaluable the whole way.

Anyways. You aren’t alone. It’s so hard out there right now.

[icedcoffee]

Oh my. So many hugs for you, but also so impressed by the students and resources surrounding your daughter. How lucky you are to be surrounded by so many people that care about her. I don't have much advice, others can do that better, but sending you hugs.

[pugz]

I don't have advice, just sending you so much love and support as you go through this.

[awkwardpenguin]

I am so sorry you are going through this, and at a time when your own coping is already stressed. Does her step-down care have a family program? Many do, and you might be able to lean on some of the professionals you can access through her program.

I don't have the parent perspective on this particular issue, but my own mental health issues started as a teen and I have struggled with self-injury and suicidality. I want to emphasize that this is not something that is caused by parents, as much as you might feel responsible. You are getting her the help she needs and that is what is most important. And don't beat yourself up about not choosing inpatient before - you did the best you could given what you knew at the time.

I'd take things one at a time, and know that you can't fix everything at once. At some point you might want to look into a parenting class or parent management training, which helps you learn how to set limits without worrying you are making things worse. We have done it for our oldest (who has autism and reacted very poorly to limits in the past) and it helped a lot.

[ilikedonuts]

PDQ

My 12 year old is doing really well on Prozac right now after having some really rough months (anxiety that turned into depression). Us as parents Acknowledging the issues seemed to be the first real positive step for her. She’s been in and out of 4 therapy for 4 years and there had been some highs and a lot of really bad lows.

I have pretty bad anxiety and I know I didn’t make the situation better initially. I needed to realize my experiences and thoughts weren’t automatically what hers were. Once I realized that, I feel like I was able to focus more on learning what she needed.

Just know you guys aren’t alone. Sending you guys lots of good thoughts.

[scm1011]

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this, and I'm so glad that your daughter is receiving the help she needs. I don't have any advice, but sending you love and strength as you navigate this.

[penguingrrl]

Sending so many hugs. And wonderful thoughts for the anonymous person who initially reported her self-harm as well as the students who identified and reported it at school.

I haven’t been through significant self-harm, but have dealt with severe mental health issues with my 14 year old for the past 4 years. Finding access to the right care is really difficult, but it sounds like you’re already on the path, which is amazing. Take any resources offered to your family, even if you think you don’t/won’t need them or they’re overkill. They may help more than you realize.

I don’t know what state you’re in, but in NJ there is a state-wide resource called performcare that has been incredible for us in this time. They’ve set us up with therapists and other resources that aren’t readily available to the public and put a social worker in charge of my daughter’s care to help coordinate with the school, advocate with the child study team, connect us with medical providers and generally provide support for us in this time. I believe most states have a similar resource, so I would highly recommend seeking their help. One of the best things they did was connect me with another parent whose child had similar issues (in our case agoraphobia, severe anxiety, undiagnosed ASD and selective mutism that led to years of refusal to leave the house for anything) and they were an amazing resource in not feeling completely alone.

Sending so many hugs. Feel free to pm me if you need support or advice or anything. A year ago was among the darkest time in our lives with her, and last month she voluntarily returned to an amazing therapeutic high school is a going and even made a friend. It can and will get better with the right help.

[nicolewi]

I wish I had more advice. We are struggling as well. My oldest has had a really rough start to high school after doing very well at a small private middle school. She had a really bad break up with her boyfriend and has been doing some cutting (only a little, but any is not good!). She is a straight A student and I keep telling her that I don’t care if she gets a B, but she’s putting a ton of pressure on herself academically. I never had any serious issues myself with anxiety or depression, which I only mention because I I find it extremely difficult to understand what her brain is doing and where these things are coming from. She’s been in therapy for a while, and I really like her therapist. She’s also on Zoloft. She’s been anxious pretty much all her life, but lately she’s acting depressed for the first time and it’s really scary. I also think she’s really having a flareup of social anxiety, which is making it really hard for her to connect and make new friends in school. She’s pretty much just counting down the days until summer. I’m wondering how she will continue to cope throughout high school.

This is also a bad week for us because she’s about to get her period. PMS is making a huge, huge difference and we’re considering looking into some birth control to help moderate that. Hormones might be something you want to keep in mind also.

[bbdoll]

Apr 10, 2024 11:23:31 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

I wish I had more advice. We are struggling as well. My oldest has had a really rough start to high school after doing very well at a small private middle school. She had a really bad break up with her boyfriend and has been doing some cutting (only a little, but any is not good!). She is a straight A student and I keep telling her that I don’t care if she gets a B, but she’s putting a ton of pressure on herself academically. I never had any serious issues myself with anxiety or depression, which I only mention because I I find it extremely difficult to understand what her brain is doing and where these things are coming from. She’s been in therapy for a while, and I really like her therapist. She’s also on Zoloft. She’s been anxious pretty much all her life, but lately she’s acting depressed for the first time and it’s really scary. I also think she’s really having a flareup of social anxiety, which is making it really hard for her to connect and make new friends in school. She’s pretty much just counting down the days until summer. I’m wondering how she will continue to cope throughout high school.

This is also a bad week for us because she’s about to get her period. PMS is making a huge, huge difference and we’re considering looking into some birth control to help moderate that. Hormones might be something you want to keep in mind also.

My daughter is the same when it comes to academics.  She's a straight A student, but she puts so much pressure on herself.  Her dad and I do not.  I tell her to do her best and that's all we want.  But, she obsesses about her next grade and what it's going to be.  My daughter also is struggling with her sexuality, and I think that might play a role as well with her current issues.  Hormones may play in as well because she got her first period just before she turned 10 years old.  It wasn't long after that, that the cutting started.

[abs]

I’m quite sure hormones are at play here, too. DD started her period at 10 and in retrospect that’s when the depression started. I can pretty much tie her prickly moods to PMS so I think birth control might be a good idea. We plan on trialing this summer.

[mrsGreeko]

My oldest also cited academic pressure as an issue. I’ve since read several books that were helpful for me to understand that piece, and how I inadvertently played a role and how to avoid the same pitfalls with my other children:

- “How to Raise an Adult” by Julie Lythcott-Haims
- “Under pressure” by Lisa Damour
- “The Gift of Failure” by Jessica Lahey

[secretagent]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I think you got a lot of good advice here. My oldest has severe anxiety and similar issues, and it is so so difficult. Be gentle with yourself.

[meanie]

My heart hurts for you, I am so sorry your daughter is struggling.


If your H is a fixer I would still ask him to do things, maybe not directly related but he can do other tasks that support you and free up your time and mental space. I would up your own therapy as well if you haven't already.

You have already accomplished so much for your daughter, and it sounds like you have a good plan in place for her care. I am so happy that students came forward with their concerns, that is so important. 

I hope the road ahead gets easier for all of you.

[sugarbear1]

Sending love. I don't really have any advice, though I've watched my boyfriend go through this with both of his kids (now young adults).

I think you can put your husband to work on all of the other parenting-load daily things. Can he be in charge of meal planning and shopping? Creating a weekly schedule? If you have other children, can he take on more of the driving / planning / feeding of them? Pet care? Laundry?

[kath16]

I don’t have much to add here, other than internet stranger hugs.

I’m only commenting on what an amazing group of friends surround your daughter. Between you and your husband, and her peers, it sounds like she’s got a wonderful support system around her.

You’re doing a great job.

[bbdoll]

Somewhat of an update. She's been attending this step-down program for almost two weeks now. She's not loving it and I'm not sure it's helping. Plus, she rides a school van to the program. One of the girls on the van is bullying her by taking her food everyday. The van driver is aware and trying to control it. What concerns me is, the girl that is bullying her is in the program for episodes of violence in the past. Normally I would tell my daughter to stand up for herself, but I'm afraid to in this situation. They get wanded with metal detectors at the school, but not before they get on the van, so that scares me too. Absolutely nothing about this is easy. Nothing.

[macmars45]

bbdoll there's no way you could drive her yourself or you'd do that I imagine.

(Hugs)

[bbdoll]

Apr 18, 2024 9:29:01 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

bbdoll there's no way you could drive her yourself or you'd do that I imagine.

(Hugs)

Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to.  It's part of their policy.

[livinitup]

If your DD does not want to be in the program, reporting that would be an effective way to motivate you to pull her. She probably knows that and is testing what happens next. It’s impossible to know if you should have her continue or pull her out - just based on this. Do you have someone to call and ask questions? Why is she transporting food on the bus? If true, how can this be prevented or interrupted? Is there a safety monitor besides the driver? If so, what are they doing? If not, can they add one? How much longer is this other girl going to be transported with your DD?

I would not be surprised if participants report all kinds of things to parents. Ask the people at the program what safety measures they have in place and what assurances they can give you.

If you do not feel like this is a good fit, seek options besides home. Bringing her home could be a set-back, even dangerous, too.

[shauni27]

oh dear, I am so, so sorry to hear this. How upsetting for you. I think with your update I would ask your daughter what she wants to do; tell her that you will take that into consideration and that it is not a guaranty, but see if she has any suggestions for next steps. Daily counseling, a different outpatient setting, inpatient again, etc.

I am really sorry that you have to deal with this. Sending love.

[jobae1234]

Apr 18, 2024 8:21:48 GMT -5 bbdoll said:

Somewhat of an update. She's been attending this step-down program for almost two weeks now. She's not loving it and I'm not sure it's helping. Plus, she rides a school van to the program. One of the girls on the van is bullying her by taking her food everyday. The van driver is aware and trying to control it. What concerns me is, the girl that is bullying her is in the program for episodes of violence in the past. Normally I would tell my daughter to stand up for herself, but I'm afraid to in this situation. They get wanded with metal detectors at the school, but not before they get on the van, so that scares me too. Absolutely nothing about this is easy. Nothing.

I just wrote a whole response and it got eaten, but the gist was this is bullshit. Whichever of you parents is more aggressive, call them and tell them you’re not exposing your suicidal teen to 1) fear/violence and 2) hunger. They can get more staff on the bus, get the other girl off the bus (or out of the program, which is definitely possible), or let you drive her. Starting tomorrow. They will fold. Threaten to call their state licensing agency and your local congress rep if needed.

[bbdoll]

Apr 22, 2024 7:59:10 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

Apr 18, 2024 8:21:48 GMT -5 bbdoll said:

Somewhat of an update. She's been attending this step-down program for almost two weeks now. She's not loving it and I'm not sure it's helping. Plus, she rides a school van to the program. One of the girls on the van is bullying her by taking her food everyday. The van driver is aware and trying to control it. What concerns me is, the girl that is bullying her is in the program for episodes of violence in the past. Normally I would tell my daughter to stand up for herself, but I'm afraid to in this situation. They get wanded with metal detectors at the school, but not before they get on the van, so that scares me too. Absolutely nothing about this is easy. Nothing.

I just wrote a whole response and it got eaten, but the gist was this is bullshit. Whichever of you parents is more aggressive, call them and tell them you’re not exposing your suicidal teen to 1) fear/violence and 2) hunger. They can get more staff on the bus, get the other girl off the bus (or out of the program, which is definitely possible), or let you drive her. Starting tomorrow. They will fold. Threaten to call their state licensing agency and your local congress rep if needed.

Thank you for getting so worked up over my daughter's well being.  It's nice to know there are people out there that still do care.

Things have improved with the van situation.  I guess the girl was disciplined and she sort of apologized to my daughter.  She hasn't been bothering her since thankfully.

[jobae1234]

Apr 22, 2024 8:13:05 GMT -5 bbdoll said:

Apr 22, 2024 7:59:10 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

I just wrote a whole response and it got eaten, but the gist was this is bullshit. Whichever of you parents is more aggressive, call them and tell them you’re not exposing your suicidal teen to 1) fear/violence and 2) hunger. They can get more staff on the bus, get the other girl off the bus (or out of the program, which is definitely possible), or let you drive her. Starting tomorrow. They will fold. Threaten to call their state licensing agency and your local congress rep if needed.

Thank you for getting so worked up over my daughter's well being.  It's nice to know there are people out there that still do care.

Things have improved with the van situation.  I guess the girl was disciplined and she sort of apologized to my daughter.  She hasn't been bothering her since thankfully.

We all care, a lot. Hang in there. You all will get through this. Many teens go through significant mental health issues in their teens and get a lot better in adulthood. One of my kids included.

[cmeon]

Oh I'm so sorry. Mental health issues in a loved one are always scary, but it's a special kind of fear when they're your kid. I'm glad to hear things are going better for her.

[jg183]

First, im so glad her friends (and many of them) spoke up. It is so important for tweens to know how crucial it is to keep doing that. If you can have the girls over for a movie night or something that could be huge. Does your daughter like socializing? Since it sounds like she isnt going to school does she miss that/need that?

For you- I'm sorry. My son was inpatient and it was really hard. I joined a NAMI parent support group and it was nice knowing they were there, they met online every week and I joined a lot of FB parent groups. IRL people wanted to be there but it wasnt the same because the suggestions they gave were a lot of- gee thanks tried that... I know they came from good intent but we had tried everything and were just burnt out. Give yourself grace and know that this is just a really hard chapter of life and she is so lucky to have you advocating for her. I hope they can get her the right meds and the therapies help. I see you and hear you and it's just f-ing hard and I can hear how much you love your kid.

[bbdoll]

Great news!!!  My daughter said her medicine is helping and she wants to go back to her normal school on Monday.  I couldn't be happier!! 

[ellipses84]

I’m sorry you are going through this but so glad she is doing better!