H and I married each other. Both our families disapproved. Should I have not married him because of that?
I will admit our lives have been harder because of all the shit we went thru. And I’d probably advise my kids to aim for a family that will lovingly accept her. But life doesn’t always work out that way. As long as the couple loves and supports each other, they can make it work. It’s a problem when the couple doesn’t stand up for each other. So it depends I think. But ultimately, you are marrying your spouse, not the family.
Post by wanderingback on May 3, 2024 11:40:51 GMT -5
I think this totally depends on the culture and the specific family. In some instances you are absolutely marrying the family and should be prepared to understand what that means if you plan to get and stay married.
It depends on proximity and the fiance. If they live far away and her fiance puts her first, it won’t be much of an issue. If they live close by and he doesn’t set boundaries, feels obligated or loyal to them, or doesn’t have like conflict or setting boundaries, it could be a major issue.
I said fiancee. Isn't the go to line when there's family issues is that its not a MIL issue it's an H issue?
My Hs family is absolutely batshit and constant drama, but he stays out of it all. When we were first married I thought he was kind of harsh, but shockingly his lifetime of experience with his family was actually always correct in handling a situation lol.
I can def see how it may seem like you're marrying the family, esp if you live within close proximity and have more enmeshed lives.
I think you're just marrying your spouse. We moved across the country, so we don't have much interaction with DH's side of the family. It certainly makes life a lot easier if you like your spouse's family (and we're lucky on that front).
It really depends on each member of the couple and how much influence they let their families have. Neither of my DH’s parents are still alive, so it’s just his siblings, and we don’t live locally to any of them. We see some of them here and there, and everyone gets together like once or twice a year. Whereas my family is *constantly* together, and we’ve talked about moving my mom in with us if her health ever warrants that. So he married my family more than I married his. Although my family doesn’t involve themselves in our personal lives, and I’ve only had to uphold a boundary a couple times in our 20+ years together, and those were minor. So even though he sees my family more, they aren’t all up in our business.
So for the cousin in the OP, how much this mutual dislike affects her will depend on not just her and her DH’s family, but also how he handles the situation. For her sake, I hope he handles it well. But she should also make sure to get a good idea of how that will go before marrying him.
Post by basilosaurus on May 3, 2024 19:25:30 GMT -5
I think it's dependent on how that spouse interacts with their family. If they're involved, as a spouse, you will be too. If they're no or low contact, then the family is a non-factor.