Yesterday, I came home early and just laid in bed and sobbed. He came home and he just held me while I sobbed.
It’s like all of the bad parts of the marriage fell away and no longer matter. All the resentment and anger I felt are gone, and only the love of a 16 year relationship remain. We held each other for hours and hours while I sobbed and we told each other how much we love each other and we kissed so much and rubbed each other’s arms and back. I told him I couldn’t fathom my life without him. We’ve been together since I was 17. He said he was so confused. Where had all this love and affection and vulnerability been at these years and I don’t really know how to describe it to him.
He said he feels like he’s getting mixed signals and will do whatever I want. I told him we have to divorce, it’s the right choice for both of us, we both deserve better fitting partners, but it’s just hard.
What are these feelings? Why am I so devastated? I thought I’d be relieved and want him gone immediately. I’ve wanted a divorce for years.
I guess it’s like, the pressure is off. There’s no more worry about our future together. There’s no more “trying to fix things” or “will it ever change.” It won’t change and I’m free now. And that realization allows me to accept him and love him for our time together.
I don’t even know.
So we held each other crying for hours and then stepped outside and watched the Aurora Borealis from our back yard in Arkansas.
I’ve taken him to Alaska twice, the last time being February 2023, to chase the northern lights. We fell in love with them.
We have a trip booked to go back to Alaska in 3.5 months. I told him last night that I still hope he goes with me.
Why does loving him feel so easy now? The heavy work of the relationship is over? Is this common when people agree it’s time to separate?
Post by starburst604 on May 11, 2024 9:23:10 GMT -5
mcmel despite all he has done, I’ve had many, many days of missing and loving the man I once loved so much. It’s grief for the loss of the dreams we had and our intact family. If it was as easy as flipping a switch, separation and divorce wouldn’t be on the list of the most painful things you can ever go through. Your head and heart will be at odds with each other a lot in this journey is what I’ve learned so far. I never thought I would cry so much for someone who has hurt me this way. All of your feelings are valid and don’t ask a lot of yourself right now except putting one foot in front of the other and literally taking this a day at a time.
Post by sugarbear1 on May 11, 2024 10:42:04 GMT -5
mcmel it's so hard to sort through all of those feelings.
I'll just say that once we split, the pressure was off to "be" anything other than good parents for our kids. He's still one of my best friends and I think he would say the same. I love him and want the best for him but I don't want to be married to him... and I know this is ok, though it took me a long time to get here.
Post by starburst604 on May 11, 2024 14:19:56 GMT -5
So I’m really unsettled over a discovery I made this morning. When STBX got home late last night from the Bruins game, he left his fleece vest on the kitchen island. When I got up this morning I went to move it to the mud room and saw an envelope sticking out of it, like a torn in half reused envelope. Inside were a bunch of pills that I was able to identify on Web MD as 10mg Percocet. There are 18 to be exact. I threw the vest on the floor to look like one of the dogs snatched it as they often do, and I hid the pills away.
I’ve been pretty transparent here about my concerns with his drinking. He also uses weed edibles liberally, has a prescription for Ativan and Naltrexone and now is seemingly using street prescription pills. I feel paralyzed because I don’t know what to do. Confront him? I know he will just lie. His back hurts, they’re for someone else, I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I’ve honestly wondered at times if he’s using something other than what I know about already so this tracks.
He moves out next week and we are to begin 50/50 parenting. I’m not feeling good about this. My inclination is to say nothing and wait to talk to my attorney on Monday. I’m not overreacting by thinking this is a serious issue, right??
starburst604 there is no legitimate reason for having percocet in *an envelope*. Especially leaving them someplace your daughter could potentially have access to them. I hope you took photos for your lawyer.
“This came out of your vest. Please keep your pills secure for the safety of your child and the pets. They should never be in easy reach. Your doctor is the best person to talk about medication management for whatever you have going on.”
HIM: “They are not mine! You snooped. I am holding them for a friend!”
“Then your friend’s best option is to talk to their doctor, too.”
HIM: “You know, you are such a bitch.”
“Sure. That tracks. Keep your child safe. If you can’t, please tell me and I will.”
starburst604 omg he's going to think the dogs ate them!
I would keep mum, take pics, and talk to your attorney asap on Monday.
I wanted him to think this! Our golden will grab anything in reach, especially things like coats and vests, and drag them around like his lovey. So it’s totally plausible he grabbed the vest off the counter. Now, if I thought there was even the slightest chance my dogs got ahold of those, I would be in a full panic. He seemed cool as a cucumber though. I brought DD to soccer ahead of him and when I got home the vest was no longer on the floor. So he has to be wondering where the envelope is. I’m sure he was drunk AF when he got home last night, so he may think he lost it or it fell out in the Uber.
My main concern is that his substance abuse has escalated and now it answers for me why he ALWAYS has his truck locked and car key on him at all times, even when he sleeps. I think he’s been keeping pills in his truck, because whenever he’s home he goes out to his truck all the time. I remember last week seeing him go out there yet again and wondering to myself WTF he is always needing out of his truck. I think now I have the answer. We are both home now and I’m wanting to see if he seems off, like he’s itching for something, but he’s laying down right now.
starburst604 my stomach dropped when you said 50/50 w him.
I’ve been willing to let him try even though I don’t think he’s capable of being fully in charge of her for stretches that long, substance use aside. He’s so used to me being the default parent for everything. He’s either going to step up or fail, but our state is very pro dads and defaults to 50/50 unless one parent says they cannot do it. For all his faults, he loves her very much and she him. It would hurt her a lot to see him infrequently.
Post by plutosmoon on May 11, 2024 18:47:44 GMT -5
starburst604, MA defaults to 50/50 legal, but physical custody doesn't have to work that way. It can be an uphill battle, depending on the judge, but it's a fight you can win in our state. If he is moving out of school district you have a better shot. I know you are both moving, but are you remaining in the same school district? My ex didn't really want any physical custody, but once he moved 40 minutes away into Vermont, he lost all chance of 50%.
The pills are super concerning, if he has a Naltrexone prescription, was he previously in some sort of recovery? Please let your lawyer know, a history of drug use doesn't preclude custody, but a history of drug use with current evidence of street drugs in his possession will not go well for him.
Don't agree to 50/50 if you truly think he won't follow through, you can try it while you wait, but if you see any signs he isn't adhering to it don't finalize with it. 50/50 where he doesn't follow through will also put you in a tough position financially, as your child support won't reflect the reality of your custody and modifications can be challenging. I'm in that place now, I agreed to lower child support, which was already calculated with him having 30% time, even though the divorce agreement only officially guarantees him 1 day/month. It didn't seem worth the continued fight, he basically made minimum wage. Now my exh has moved to another country, so serving him for modification is nearly impossible. Exh pays only $300/month, I pay for everything else, it was fine for a while, but it is starting to get super tight as DD has way more expenses (orthodontics and dance are killing me).
Also, on the timeline, if it makes you feel more optimistic, we got our court finalization date within a month of filing our separation agreement. We separated in mid 2019, he filed in June 2020 (after a lot of back and forth), we reached our agreement in early November 2020 and had our court date on Christmas Eve, best Christmas present ever! My divorce nisi period was about 120 days since the 90 days doesn't start until the judge approves the divorce 30 days after the hearing, I think I checked the court website a hundred times during April waiting for it to be official. So while it was nearly 2 years from start to finish, the actual official timeline with the courts was under a year.
Post by starburst604 on May 11, 2024 18:57:50 GMT -5
plutosmoon we are both staying in the town we live in now. His place will be in her former school district and she’s thrilled to go back to that school. He’s committed to living there until she finishes elementary school (2 years) since I’ll be in another district. Our new homes are less than 2 miles apart. However, he’s mentioned he may move back to the S Shore after that, which would make the custody schedule we’ve currently agreed to (2-2-3/5) impossible. That’s something I need to discuss with my attorney. I want him to be able to spend as much time with her as possible and think it’s best for her, IF he can handle the responsibility and be lucid when he has her. That’s all a big if.
I’m considering this a trial period for 50/50 and if I find he’s constantly shifting her to me or if he just plain admits he can’t hack it, we change it before things are finalized.
We don’t even have our pre-trial court date until November 🙄 I’m hoping that if we are able to agree to everything by then, our final court date won’t be too much after that.
Oh and the Naltrexone, I’m kind of confused by it. His PCP recently prescribed that and told him it’s an additional antidepressant to his Celexa. He didn’t seem to know it’s used for recovery. He’s not a former addict or anything. It certainly hasn’t curbed his drinking but he says he feels a lot less depressed overall.
I did confront him about the percs. He said he got them from an acquaintance for the pain he’s been having in his stomach for a while. He was supposed to have an upper GI scope last week and they cancelled it last minute. Who knows what the truth is about the pills.
It’s very difficult to modify after you agree to 50-50. You’d have to show a substantial change in circumstance. That threshold is high. You can’t just change because it’s not going well. I’d be asking a lot of questions to the lawyer about this. See if you can get him to admit things in writing. Hearsay doesn’t hold up.
It’s very difficult to modify after you agree to 50-50. You’d have to show a substantial change in circumstance. That threshold is high. You can’t just change because it’s not going well. I’d be asking a lot of questions to the lawyer about this. See if you can get him to admit things in writing. Hearsay doesn’t hold up.
I understand that. Our divorce won’t be finalized anytime soon and everything right now is a temporary order. The only way I’d take action to change it now is if he is being irresponsible with substances while she’s in his care. I can’t challenge it right now when he’s not endangering her, he’s doing what he does living together knowing that I am able to drive her places etc. I’ve discussed it at length with my attorney already and she feels it would be an expensive battle that might get me nowhere unless there’s concrete proof that she’s not safe in his care.
Again, he sucks in a lot of ways as a husband but I cannot say he’s endangered her, he generally has her best interests in mind, is very involved in her life, and defers to me on big decisions about her. So far he has been agreeable through the divorce proceedings and if he finds he really cannot hack it, it would have to come from him that he is declining 50/50 custody. I am accepting of the fact that I will probably have to be more flexible than I want to at times, and that will be a sacrifice I have to make as a mother. I want her to have a close relationship with her dad as long as it’s healthy for her and it’s what she wants.
Did you take a photo of it? I would recommend documenting everything you find like that. Be building your case in case 50/50 is too dangerous.
Oh i definitely did.
I know easier said than done but I would tell him you found them. I wouldn’t throw them away because if he does have a serious opioid addiction stopping cold turkey/not having access is not healthy. From what I remember your daughter isn’t a baby so teaching her to never eat random pills is also a good lesson.
Post by plutosmoon on May 11, 2024 19:51:20 GMT -5
starburst604, With him being in district that makes it super hard to fight against 50/50. I truly hope he steps up for your DD, it's the hardest thing in the world when your child's other parent doesn't show up for them. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. The way DD cries when she asks where her dad is, it breaks me. I can't fix it and I sure as hell can't understand it, or explain it well. She hasn't seen him in over 4 years, she recently decided to email him and I held my breath waiting for him to reply, which he actually did, she cried happy tears. My exh can't handle actual parenting, about all he can manage is the occasional email. I see how much you want your DD to have her dad time, but sometimes less is better when the other parent has problems.
As you said, nothing is final until you file your separation agreement, and you can trial 50/50 prior to signing your final agreement, but I would ask your lawyer to include language in your temporary agreement about not drinking or using pot/drugs while she is in his custody, it'll also apply to you, but I think you already follow that. It's probably super hard to prove, but at least it's in writing and if you come across evidence of drinking, you can act accordingly.
Remember 50/50 is more than where she spends her time, it also means he makes some appointments for her, takes her shopping for clothes, handles signing up for some activities and summer camps, etc. Consider how he steps up on those parenting tasks too before finalizing. If everything goes well and 50/50 works, once your DD is done with elementary school, I'd move away from 2-2-3/5 to week on week off, I might look at geographic restrictions in you agreement. Have a clause that activates a different parenting way should he move more than certain distance away.
Post by starburst604 on May 11, 2024 20:00:45 GMT -5
plutosmoon my heart breaks for your DD, truly. No child should have to wonder why a parent chooses to not be in their life. She’s lucky to have a great mom. That’s why I want STBX in her life for as much and as long as he’s willing, as long as I feel she’s safe. I can’t make sweeping decisions right now, I have to take it little by little and feel it out. I don’t think things will ever be truly 50/50 in terms of him picking up the mental load like you said, but she doesn’t need to know that right now. She just needs both of her parents.
Post by plutosmoon on May 11, 2024 20:24:26 GMT -5
starburst604, You are doing a great job navigating this so far, one day and one decision at a time. Even though all the waiting sucks, having the long lead time can be a good thing too. Every decision you have shared has put your DD's interest's first, you are doing all the right things.
I divorced an addict. I also had full physical and legal custody bc of said addiction issues. Document. Document. Document. Everything.
Having full physical custody has been the bane of my existence, but it was better than having to constantly worry about her being w her dad in the throes of active addiction.
Today is move out day for STBX. I have been waiting for what feels like forever for this day to come, but yesterday I was an emotional mess, especially when I got home to his half of the closet bare. Today I'm holding it together, but that may change when I get home to half the furniture and belongings gone. I'm supposed to go to his new place later as a show of unity and support for DD seeing it for the first time. I don't want to AT ALL, but I will do my best be upbeat and positive for her.
starburst604, move out day is HARD. My XH did it while I was home and it was so surreal sitting on the couch watching him and a buddy load up all of his stuff. I can't imagine having to go to his new place.
Post by amandakisser on May 14, 2024 10:10:14 GMT -5
Today would have been our 17th wedding anniversary. The divorce was finalized in January and I am prepping to put our house on the market on June 1. A friend actually owns a rental home right down the street from me so I'm moving in there for a couple years to give myself some time to find a home to buy. My credit is shot so I need to improve that.
I am so fucking excited to leave this house. I have some great memories here, and I'm working through those emotions, but I have more really terrible memories. I just want to create a new place for me and my girls.
XH has been sober since right around New Year's Day. This is the second time he's attempted sobriety since I filed last March. The first was because he got fired from his job due to intoxication, and he thought it would "win me back." This time he seems more determined so I give him credit.
He HATES me though. OMG it's actually comical at this point, because ALL of our mutual friends sided with me (they still welcome him into their lives but have told him point-blank the divorce was his fault) and he STILL blames me 100%. I've just about accepted it, and it's helped me move on almost completely. I'm also seeing an absolutely wonderful man and it has really opened my eyes to how absolutely awful XH treated me, which is simultaneously triggering and healing.
starburst604 , move out day is HARD. My XH did it while I was home and it was so surreal sitting on the couch watching him and a buddy load up all of his stuff. I can't imagine having to go to his new place.
I actually don't need to go now, at least for today. Once I get home I'll have to bring DD right to hockey practice and home with me after. Sorryyyyyy, can't visit today!
Today is move out day for STBX. I have been waiting for what feels like forever for this day to come, but yesterday I was an emotional mess, especially when I got home to his half of the closet bare. Today I'm holding it together, but that may change when I get home to half the furniture and belongings gone. I'm supposed to go to his new place later as a show of unity and support for DD seeing it for the first time. I don't want to AT ALL, but I will do my best be upbeat and positive for her.
I took our girls to visit XH's apartment when he moved in. We had dinner together and all walked around the apartment complex to check out the gym, basketball court, etc. It was very emotional because it made it all so real.
When we left, I gave him a hug and said, "I love you," just because that was such a big milestone. When I got in the car, both of my girls were looking at me dumbfounded and my youngest said, "Mommy, I've never seen you hug daddy before!"
In that instant I KNEW it was the right decision. Their only idea of a relationship was one without love and appreciation, and I want so much better for them.
Moving day was the absolute worst. I was lucky in a sense that XH just took the clothes and stuff he wanted and left everything else for me to deal with. I ended up paying a junk company over a thousand bucks to haul out his stuff the day before we closed on the sale. I was so infuriated that I didn't really have time to feel anything else. It wasn't until I walked out of the house for the last time and a neighbor came over to give me a hug that I absolutely lost it.
If I can offer one piece of advice, it would be to avoid driving by your old house. The first few months I would drive by every so often and I got a pit in my stomach seeing other cars parked in the driveway and stuff like that. It wasn't healthy and it definitely didn't help.
Today is move out day for STBX. I have been waiting for what feels like forever for this day to come, but yesterday I was an emotional mess, especially when I got home to his half of the closet bare. Today I'm holding it together, but that may change when I get home to half the furniture and belongings gone. I'm supposed to go to his new place later as a show of unity and support for DD seeing it for the first time. I don't want to AT ALL, but I will do my best be upbeat and positive for her.
I took our girls to visit XH's apartment when he moved in. We had dinner together and all walked around the apartment complex to check out the gym, basketball court, etc. It was very emotional because it made it all so real.
When we left, I gave him a hug and said, "I love you," just because that was such a big milestone. When I got in the car, both of my girls were looking at me dumbfounded and my youngest said, "Mommy, I've never seen you hug daddy before!"
In that instant I KNEW it was the right decision. Their only idea of a relationship was one without love and appreciation, and I want so much better for them.
Yes that's what I think he has in mind, them showing me around the building and amenities. I'm sorry that your ex is so hateful toward you. While it's great that he's currently sober, it doesn't sound like he's embracing the "accountability for past actions" thing quite yet!
Moving day was the absolute worst. I was lucky in a sense that XH just took the clothes and stuff he wanted and left everything else for me to deal with. I ended up paying a junk company over a thousand bucks to haul out his stuff the day before we closed on the sale. I was so infuriated that I didn't really have time to feel anything else. It wasn't until I walked out of the house for the last time and a neighbor came over to give me a hug that I absolutely lost it.
If I can offer one piece of advice, it would be to avoid driving by your old house. The first few months I would drive by every so often and I got a pit in my stomach seeing other cars parked in the driveway and stuff like that. It wasn't healthy and it definitely didn't help.
Funny you say this, I keep thinking to myself that despite our street being one I normally travel a lot, I'm going to use different routes once I move. I love that house and it's going to be really hard for me for a while to see it.
Moving day was the absolute worst. I was lucky in a sense that XH just took the clothes and stuff he wanted and left everything else for me to deal with. I ended up paying a junk company over a thousand bucks to haul out his stuff the day before we closed on the sale. I was so infuriated that I didn't really have time to feel anything else. It wasn't until I walked out of the house for the last time and a neighbor came over to give me a hug that I absolutely lost it.
If I can offer one piece of advice, it would be to avoid driving by your old house. The first few months I would drive by every so often and I got a pit in my stomach seeing other cars parked in the driveway and stuff like that. It wasn't healthy and it definitely didn't help.
OMG. I have literally never driven by my old house because I know it's going to dredge up ~feelings~ and it won't do anything good for my mental health. However, I know depending on where your house was, it may be hard to avoid. I would have to go well out of my way to visit my old house.