work travel - go or stay home?

[mpc]

PDQ

My H is having a medical issue? crisis? with his vision. He has lost about half the vision in one eye over the past 2 months. It is a big scary unknown thing and he's had a lot of doctor visits and testing but they still don't really know what's going on or what the future holds.

I am supposed to travel to Europe next week for work. I've been here for almost 20 years and this would be my first international trip. I have been really looking forward to this. I'd be there 7-10 days depending on how the work goes. The work we'd be doing is the part of my job I really like. 

Do you think it's ok for me to go on this trip or should I cancel? He told me of course I should go and of course I should stay for a long weekend when it was done to sightsee a little bit. But it is coming out now that he was expecting me to offer to cancel and he is feeling resentful that I am going (thank you therapy for uncovering all of this). So we need to talk.

If it matters, all grandparents are local and can help with kids. But I don't think he needs physical support so much as emotional support. His anxiety is going crazy and I agree it's a really scary thing to be going through. I don't really want to cancel but I am wondering if I am being too selfish. If the tables were turned, would I want him to stay?

[kellady]

This is such a tough one!  Would you want him to stay?  Is he still working at this time?  Sorry I don’t recall how many kids you have and their ages.  I am leaning towards you should go, but if you’re going to feel guilty, or him resentful, it might not be worth it.  I’m sorry this is happening to him.  

Not helpful.

[ssmjlm]

Go! Go! Go!

If he doesn't feel he can take care of the kids, coordinate grandparent help. The kids are school age, right? Surely they can do most things on their own?

What would he do if you guys do divorce? He has to figure this out.

[shopgirl07]

Go!

[TR]

I would go. He hasn't been the best emotional support for you lately, has he? Maybe that's petty, but I would resent him if I had to stay home to emotionally support him when he doesn't offer the same to me.

[mpc]

Aug 19, 2024 15:37:01 GMT -5 kellady said:

This is such a tough one!  Would you want him to stay?  Is he still working at this time?  Sorry I don’t recall how many kids you have and their ages.  I am leaning towards you should go, but if you’re going to feel guilty, or him resentful, it might not be worth it.  I’m sorry this is happening to him.  

Not helpful.

He just started a new job 2 weeks ago! So more stress. It is fully remote, so I think that is working in his favor.

Kids are K, 2nd, and 6th grade.

[waverly]

I'm leaning towards going also because emotional support can be provided through text, phone calls, video chats. There is a time difference, but you may be able to set up a video call each day at a certain time that can provide that needed interaction.

if the tables were turned I may want him to stay, but I will say my DH traveled for years while I had 2 young children think babies and toddlers, and I made it through that. Could he come out for the tail end of your trip and do the sightseeing weekend with you? Can he navigate the airport on his own? Can the grandparents or other friends provide some emotional support as well as the therapist while you are gone to help bridge the gap?

I know if my H went to Europe without me ever going to that place before, I would definitely be jealous.

[krystee]

If he was normally a very empathetic and supportive husband and was having a tough time, I might feel differently, but I say go. Maybe see if your parents can keep them for the extra weekend days so he can’t throw the fun part of the trip in your face.

[laterz]

My lean is go. This is your career, you're going for your job, it's investment in you. You have the support needed at home for your family. Its not like you can't text or call during the trip.

If you did cancel, is there someone that can easily fill in for you?

I might respond differently if it was purely for pleasure. Maybe don't stay to sightsee?

This is tough. I'm sorry.

[tiki]

If he has support, he told you to go, and you want to go, I would go.

I'm sure he doesn't want to feel like the reason you didn't get to take an important trip. Also, he may need you home more in the future if his vision gets worse. This may be the good time.

[sju]

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope he gets answer soon.

This is tough because I imagine the trip coordination has been going on for some time, and it is not fair to you to tell you one thing when that’s not how he really feels.

If I could, I would consider shortening the trip and skip the extra days of sightseeing. However, if there was a chance that things could turn into an emergency then I would cancel sooner rather than later so your employer can plan accordingly.

[mpc]

Aug 19, 2024 15:42:51 GMT -5 waverly said:

Could he come out for the tail end of your trip and do the sightseeing weekend with you? Can he navigate the airport on his own? Can the grandparents or other friends provide some emotional support as well as the therapist while you are gone to help bridge the gap?

He had one doctor tell him flying was fine and one tell him not to fly right now. So no, he wouldn't come while this is going on. 

And I don't think he has many/any other relationships that provide emotional support right now. That is its whole own problem.

[wildrice]

I think you should go. I think this is just another way for him to manipulate things and take advantage of your kind heart. If he truly needed you, he should have directly asked you instead of turning it around to make you feel guilty after everything was already in place for you to go. It sounds like you're working on your marriage and that's great, but one of the things he needs to work on is putting YOUR needs first sometimes and this is a circumstance where he can do that. Just because he's anxious doesn't mean you have to stop your life - he can seek medical help or emotional support from others, too.

ETA: and I'm going to sound heartless, but the fact that he doesn't have other emotional support isn't your problem to fix. His lack of effort making other relationships doesn't mean you have to drop everything just because he wants you to support him. Perhaps he should have thought about that.

[mpc]

Aug 19, 2024 15:45:56 GMT -5 laterz said:

If you did cancel, is there someone that can easily fill in for you?

I might respond differently if it was purely for pleasure. Maybe don't stay to sightsee?

There are two of us planning to go, and if I had to back out, she would just cover it on her own. It would be no issue.

The dates are potentially shifting just a bit, so instead of working M-F we would be there W-Tues. In that case, having the weekend in the middle, I would definitely get rid of the extra days at the end. Really I could get rid of them anyway I guess. Maybe that would help.

[jinkies]

This is really tricky, and I acknowledge that this is easier to type on a message board than to actual do in person.

But this has been ongoing for a few months now, with no end in sight. If there were a particularly recent negative development that really had him spinning, or if he had an important doctor's appointment during the trip where you are expecting bad news, I might feel differently. But it sounds mostly status quo. He has family support for both himself and the kids while you are gone. I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to cancel on a work obligation to provide in-person emotional support for him. How long would you need to stay home if his vision doesn't return? A few more months? A year? Forever? I would also have some feelings about him telling you it was OK but secretly expecting you to cancel, because that's some bullshit.

PDQ: I have been struggling with some feelings about my own marriage recently. In July, I got to go to Europe on a work trip, and stayed an extra weekend at the end to sightsee by myself. It was SO GOOD for my own mental health and to give me some clarity about life at home. There is something really special about setting your agenda, and not having to accommodate kids or a spouse for anything. I think it could be really good for you to have some time away to really think about what is and isn't working, without the pressure of family commitments and providing support to others every night.

I hope it works out for you.

[laterz]

So looking at the replies, sounds like maybe he's not been the best husband lately? a while?

I'm planting myself firmly in the GO category now, *especially* because this is work related. This is in your best interest.

This is a good oppy for him to find his way with his anxiety, which if his vision gets worse, he is going to be forced to do. (I'm not wishing ill health, but looking at it as no one with skin in this game.)

[tacokick]

I would go as planned. I think if it wasn’t his eye there would be some other reason he doesn’t want you to go based on what you’ve shared before.


The eye thing does sound horrible but it’s on going and he’d be home and able to get help/see his regular doctors as needed.

[cville]

Go.

He can talk to a therapist while you're gone if he doesn't have local friends/family he can lean on.

Also, it's Europe. You're not going to do research on the space station. You can chat and text.

[deadwing]

Go. I think jinkies put it well.

[Susie]

If you're not going to miss any major medical appointments/procedures/decisions, and there isn't a specific conflict, I think you should go.  My kids are in K and 4th, so similar ages, and they're definitely old enough to be helpful and have some self sufficiency while mom is gone.  It's not like having a toddler.

Maybe solo parenting will be a good distraction for YH and keep him from spending the time wallowing too much in his anxiety.  In any event, it sounds like asking you to stay home just to be his security blanket while he feels his feelings is an ask that is out of proportion from the support he's provided you in recent memory.  

[noodleoo]

Ugh that sucks but I’m curious: why exactly does he want you to stay home? Is he unable to function normally right now? Is there a procedure or Dr visit during your trip he needs you there for?

If not and he is really in a holding pattern (status quo as someone else said) it’s really selfish that he wants you to stay home. And I can totally see if the roles were reversed, a man saying he has to go because it is for his job and it not being questioned. The double standard is so crappy.

So unless there is a real reason that you need to stay, I’d go. I’d probably cancel the extra days, but I wouldn’t miss out on a career opportunity for nothing other than moral support. I hate that he’s making you feel guilty about it.

[emilyinchile]

Considering that a few months ago you were ready to be done with your marriage because of how he regularly treats you, I definitely do not think you should either give up a fun opportunity you've earned or do anything that might make you seem like less than a stellar employee if there's a chance you'll be going down to one income. His situation sounds scary, and obviously I'm not wishing it on him, but it's also not a brand new thing, and there's nothing you can DO at home, so he can be a grown up for a week or so while you go do your thing.

[mpc]

Aug 19, 2024 16:14:00 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Ugh that sucks but I’m curious: why exactly does he want you to stay home? Is he unable to function normally right now? Is there a procedure or Dr visit during your trip he needs you there for?

I think... He's worried about things getting worse, or the doctor sending him for surgery all of a sudden. He's worried that he will get to a point where he can't drive. Also I think part of it is he feels unsupported and just wants me to show that I support him.- That last sentence is my own conjecture, the other stuff he has verbalized to me. 

[thebreakfastclub]

Not to sound heartless but aren't you contemplating divorce right now. It sounds like emotional manipulation to keep you close. For you, the trip could be a little preview of what a future life might be like. Of course he doesn't want you to experience how peaceful that will feel.

[noodleoo]

Aug 19, 2024 16:47:05 GMT -5 mpc said:

Aug 19, 2024 16:14:00 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Ugh that sucks but I’m curious: why exactly does he want you to stay home? Is he unable to function normally right now? Is there a procedure or Dr visit during your trip he needs you there for?

I think... He's worried about things getting worse, or the doctor sending him for surgery all of a sudden. He's worried that he will get to a point where he can't drive. Also I think part of it is he feels unsupported and just wants me to show that I support him.- That last sentence is my own conjecture, the other stuff he has verbalized to me. 

Ugh is it actively getting worse? I’m sure that’s scary. My dad had sudden acute glaucoma recently and it was a pretty scary time.

Can you plan out coverage for the first 2 scenarios? For childcare and transportation based on the family you have nearby? Or talk about what scenarios would cause you to fly home early? I think if you can talk through his fears and make a plan, hopefully you can both feel comfortable with you still going.

The general moral support can still be provided remotely. It sounds like you really want to go on this trip and your desire to go matters too. He should be supporting you as well. It’s only a week and he’s not in an emergency situation, I don’t think you should have to stay home if you don’t want to.

[pixy0stix]

On the broader end of things, relying on you to provide all his emotional support is going to burn you out so quick.

[maudefindlay]

I agree with waverly there are other ways to show support. Are his parents a comfort to him? If so maybe arrange for a few nights where they come over and make dinner or bring takeout and hangout. Maybe grandparents take the kids on the weekends and he can plan to meet up with friends.

I'm so sorry you have all this on your plate. Marriage issues, health issue, and new job for him is all too much.

[mpc]

I was trying not to bring our marital issues into it... I wanted to know how would this go in a happy couple? We had been doing pretty well for a few months. We were making good progress with our counselor, starting to rebuild the trust between us. I was feeling like it was actually possible we could rebuild a happy healthy relationship. Then this started right at the beginning of July and he has just spiraled. He's been on daily steroids which I'm sure isn't helping. All the progress we made feels like it's just gone. We are back to feeling miserable all the time. Our marriage counselor said she couldn't help us anymore until he got help himself because he was in a bad bad place.

I just... don't want to stay home so we can continue to walk around in silence because he doesn't want to talk or interact. I don't want to stay home and take care of everything and still have him tell me he feels all alone and I am not supportive enough. I don't want to have him barely look at me while knowing he is judging me at the same time for not being affectionate enough. Maybe I am running a bit, maybe he's right. I don't know. Man, I didn't really expect all that to come out in this thread.

He's asked me not to make any relationship decisions based on the past 2 months. Cut him some slack, basically, because of the difficult health stuff.

[deadwing]

He doesn't want you to make decisions based on the last couple months because he knows his true colors are showing...

[pixy0stix]

I want to give you a hug.

PDQ

My husband had to go to individual therapy before we could even begin marriage therapy. We tried to do it the other way, and the marriage therapist basically told him point blank to work on himself first. It seems like your husband is at that point, too.

I think everyone will agree with me that YOU are not the issue here. He needs to find support outside of you to be able to work through this. Relying on one person to provide everything will not work. It just won't.