Teenagers, phones, & privacy

[SusanBAnthony]

Tldr: do you give your teen phone privacy, or do you retain the right to look at their phone?

My 9th grader has had a friend issue since late elementary with the same girl (Beth). Beth is a bit pushy and wants to be friends with DD. They're in the same larger friends group but DD would be fine never seeing her again. Beth hasnt done anything specifically awful, but she is consistently creating drama.

In the kast 2 weeks, all via text, Beth asked DD to sleep over and DD said she was busy, then Beth asked DD to hang out "sometime this week" and DD said she was busy all week. In the past DD has explicitly told her that she wants to take a break from being friends.

Context: DD has anxiety and sees a therapist. Beth is not neurodivergent or anything else that would impact her social skills,she has normal friendships with other kids.

I am a little concerned DD is now the mean one so i asked DD to read the text exchange. My position has always been that i own the phone and you hand it over when i say so. But admittedly at some point that policy should change.

Anyway, WW3 erupted, complete with "you dont know my lyfe" and "i wont tell you anything about my life ever again ". I dont want her to not be honest with me but when she FLIPS OUT about reading a simple text exchange, sorry bruh but im suspicious.

So long story short:

1. Do you access your teen's phone
2. In this specific situation, how would you handle the interaction between DD and me
3. In this specific situation, what do you think DD should say to Beth to avoid hurting her feelings excessively while maintaining the boundary of not wanting to hang out?

[wanderingback]

I’m a bit confused, why did you intervene in this situation and ask to see her phone? It doesn’t sound like anything dangerous was happening (no talk of suicide, physical assault, verbal harassment, etc) except your daughter not wanting to hang out with someone which is totally fine. Unless there are concerns about physical or mental safety I don’t think parents need to butt in to teens friendships unless the teen is asking for help.

I of course think parents should have the right to look at kid’s phones but should use it with discretion to keep the trust and communication open.

Without going in to too many details I talk with teens who text about pregnancy, abortions, miscarriages, their periods etc and want to hide it from their parents at times for a variety of reasons(even supportive parents) and I do think it would break trust sometimes if you’re always asking to check their phone.

[sofamonkey]

I respect their privacy, but retain the right to look at their phones.

I wouldn’t have looked at it for this though. I’d have spoken to DD about her responses and voiced my concerns that she was being mean in her responses. I think a conversation would be sufficient for this issue.

However, if my kid (either of them) blew up at me like this, they’d lose their phone immediately. After a cool down period, they’d be on the receiving end of a discussion of how we can be upset without acting/reacting that way. We’d also discuss ways to verbalize thoughts and feelings productively.

[thejen626]

My girls are 15 and almost 12. Their phones sleep in my bedroom at night and both girls know I go through them. I’ve seen some bullying and bad things (in group chats mostly) and my oldest doesn’t realize I also check her Snapchat account, that’s where I find the good stuff lol.

It’s my phone, I pay for it, it’s my house, and my job to help them maneuver the teen years and be good adults.

If my kid flipped out like that, her phone would not be hers anymore, point blank.

[waverly]

Yes we have the right to look through the phone. I typically try to check on it weekly when DS has gone to bed. Phone has to charge downstairs and the rule is that we know the passwords or they lose the phone. Just standard monitoring because we don’t have a monitoring software installed on it. We have parental controls just not anything like Bark because it’s clunky with iPhones.

[abs]

My DD knows I can look at her phone anytime. If she is resistant to that then her phone privileges get revoked. However I don’t look at her phone too often right now. I do monitor screen time so I can see where she’s spending her internet time. I also ask for open communication. When her behavior is off it’s when I will check her texts.

As far as how to handle the situation with Beth I think she is handling it fine? “Thank you for the invite! I am not available today.” is all that needs to be said. No need to explain. She will eventually get the hint on her own.

[eddy]

We have his access code and he knows we can get into the phone at anytime.
I reality I rarely check his phone. I want to use parenting capital wisely. He is normally pretty forthcoming with us and I want to maintain the level of trust. Reasons I would check are safety concerns or if I suspected really nefarious stuff.

[eddy]

I will also say a lesson I have learned is I rarely have an accurate take on friend drama. I am waay too biased and that really clouds my ability to be objective. Anytime I have even tried to interpret what is going on, it is clear my kids have a more chill impression than me. So I try to stay out because I don’t think I am helpful lol. If they come to me that is different. But I do not seek it out.

[SusanBAnthony]

I haven't asked to see her phone in probably a year if not more- so I'm not up in her business all the time.

I asked to see it for this because the conversation i had made me think i should look. No particular reason other than that i was concerned about it.

DD did not calm down last night and her phone is now in my possession. Its going to be a fun weekend. Im not worried DD is some horrible mean bully doing something awful (although of course thats possible) but apparently we need to readjust some expectations.

[dontlook]

I don’t think you were wrong. DD’s phone lives in my room at night and I can and do look through it when I want to. We talk through friend issues often and I would have brought this same situation up. I don’t think your DD is being mean but we would discuss ways to handle this so it doesn’t turn into something.

[expectantsteelerfan]

We have told our kids that as long as we are paying for their phones, we are ultimately responsible for their behavior with their phones, so we reserve the right to monitor them and look at what they are doing on them (same with other devices like computers). And while we do allow them privacy and we aren't going to even bat an eye if we happen to see them talking to their friends in ways that would not be appropriate to talk to adults (I.e. ds uses f bombs in causal text conversation with his friends), but when I noticed that his discord chat group was titled 'the Taliban' we had a discussion about how that was inappropriate and how I wanted him to change in and have a discussion with his friends about why it was inappropriate to call themselves that even casually/jokingly and if he didn't, I'd be contacting the other parents. I'm sure he thought I was being over the top over that, but I didn't care. I also didn't care if he started off the talk with his friends like 'dude, my mom is so strict. She wants us to change the name of our group just because she thinks it's offensive even though we totally don't mean it like that'

In your case, I would have taken your dad's phone as a consequence for her behavior at the moment and so that she wouldn't have had a chance to delete anything suspicious, and then given her time to calm down. And then I would have hopefully explained to her that you were just trying to help her navigate a tricky friend situation to make sure it wasn't turning into one that was out of hand, but her reaction has necessitated you checking her phone, and you want to do it together, and hopefully you could do that without it turning into another blow up.

As for moving forward with the 'friend' that is really tricky. My DD is actually in a similar situation, although it's a girl she only sees over the summer at the pool. She swims with her on swim team, and the girl is always texting her to see if she's coming to the pool to hang out. DD wants to go to the pool with her bff, but when this girl is there, she joins in, and DD doesn't want to exclude her, but doesn't always love spending time with her either because she can be bossy and doesn't always want to do what DD and her bff like to do. So DD often just ignores the texts, or says she's not going to the pool, and then the girl gets mad when DD shows up at the pool anyway. Our situation is different because DD doesn't dislike this girl at all, she just doesn't want to hang out with her every.single.time she's at the pool, and now that the pool is closing next week, it won't be an issue for a while again. But I don't think there's anything wrong with your DD being honest and saying 'I don't think you and I hanging out one on one is a good idea, I'm not interested in being better friends with you.' in a direct, polite way to shut it down if the girl isn't taking the hint.

[CurlyQ284]

Aug 24, 2024 4:31:38 GMT -5 eddy said:

We have his access code and he knows we can get into the phone at anytime.
I reality I rarely check his phone. I want to use parenting capital wisely. He is normally pretty forthcoming with us and I want to maintain the level of trust. Reasons I would check are safety concerns or if I suspected really nefarious stuff.

This is basically my approach.

My son just got a phone in June but he's been chatting with friends through PlayStation for years. After a while I decided not to micromanage his friendships. He's going to get his feelings hurt, he's going to hurt some feelings, this is all part of learning. I'll warn him to be careful how he says things so he doesn't lose a friend (I warn him to be extra careful with one friend who lives 2 doors down because we are neighbors until he moves out on his own). I'll make suggestions when he talks to me about an issue but I would not get involved so deep as checking his phone to make sure he's not being rude.

[sofamonkey]

This whole “I’m paying for it” aspect is a weird flex, and an unnecessary power move. I tell my kiddos the why is because I’m her parent, and ultimately responsible for their actions and safety. My kids make decent money already, and they could pay for things themselves. However, it’s a safety issue, so even if they pay for a phone, they are a minor.

When I was a kid, I also made money. I paid for some things out of spite because of the “I pay for this, it’s my right” nonsense. Ultimately, I should’ve still been check when needed.

I noticed a bunch of pop up on DDs iPad (that and phone are linked) from Pinterest. She was engaging in conversations on posts there. We had a deep discussion about social media, commenting, and interacting with strangers. That shouldn’t go away just because she pays for it. She’s a minor and needs guidance.

[mala]

Big Kid is 12. I do check her phone when I have reason to. She knows I will, but also trusts that I will only do it for cause, like if she's having behavior or social issues, and that I'm skimming looking for red flags and not reading every conversation she has. I also log and occasionally check the usage data to know if she's on it late or using it a lot, plus check her browser history for things she has no business looking at. I don't check any of it regularly, just if I have a concern.

In your case I probably would have just had a conversation and not checked her phone. As long as she's not bullying the other kid, I think it's perfectly OK for her to be blunt about not wanting to spend time with her. She has stated a boundary and that needs to be respected. I'd be worried that telling her she's being mean to the other kid will both reinforce that she's responsible for other people's behavor/emotions and send the message that she always has to be nice. Frankly there are times when she shouldn't be nice and women in particular seem to be taught that niceness is essential even in dangerous situations. This isn't a dangerous situation, obviously, but the message will be conveyed all the same. It's time to let her make her own choices and if the consequence is that this friends drops her permentantly that's on her.

[mala]

As for her blowing up at you, I'd be reinforcing the rules about phones and social media. Taking her phone for the weekend is a logical consequence that I think is very appropriate for the circumstances. If Big Kid did the same I'd be removing her phone as well and wait for her to calm down and be ready to talk about it. It might take a few days, but she'd get there. (Big Kid has ADHD and emotional regulation is really tough for her).

[wildrice]

I think it's really important that parents can monitor internet activity for safety reasons. But I think reading text messages between real life friends should be a last resort and only if there is a safety concern. Reading texts would be similar to if our parents were listening in on our phone conversations or standing outside the room eavesdropping on us when we were teens. I know I would have been mortified if my mom did that and it would have created trust issues for me. Just because you aren't doing anything WRONG doesn't mean you want your mom going through everything you said to your friends, you know?

I think if you were really concerned about this specific exchange you could have asked her to pull up the messages and read them together - but I think just asking her to hand over her phone and reminding her that you pay for it so you have a right to whatever is in it implies you may read everything at any time. I can see how that would feel violating, even if thats not your intent.

[SusanBAnthony]

Aug 24, 2024 8:49:09 GMT -5 wildrice said:

I think it's really important that parents can monitor internet activity for safety reasons. But I think reading text messages between real life friends should be a last resort and only if there is a safety concern. Reading texts would be similar to if our parents were listening in on our phone conversations or standing outside the room eavesdropping on us when we were teens. I know I would have been mortified if my mom did that and it would have created trust issues for me. Just because you aren't doing anything WRONG doesn't mean you want your mom going through everything you said to your friends, you know?

I think if you were really concerned about this specific exchange you could have asked her to pull up the messages and read them together - but I think just asking her to hand over her phone and reminding her that you pay for it so you have a right to whatever is in it implies you may read everything at any time. I can see how that would feel violating, even if thats not your intent.

Quoting you because of your second paragraph but im responding to multiple comments. I did ask her to show me that text exchange together after initially asking for the phone in general (and all i was going to do in the first place was read that text exchange). She was so riled up by then that she wasnt having it.

It has never been about who pays for it for me, its about her being a minor.

I do think the point about conversations with IRL friends vs general phone usage is good. The hard part is that there is still nuance because groups of teenagers can be so vicious. Thats really why i wanted to look at this specific text exchange- to make sure there wasnt anything straight up mean. i dont think DD would do that but im also trying to not be naive! I do want her to stand up for herself and not go along to get along and we talk about this.

[cjcouple]

Aug 24, 2024 7:27:34 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Aug 24, 2024 4:31:38 GMT -5 eddy said:

We have his access code and he knows we can get into the phone at anytime.
I reality I rarely check his phone. I want to use parenting capital wisely. He is normally pretty forthcoming with us and I want to maintain the level of trust. Reasons I would check are safety concerns or if I suspected really nefarious stuff.

This is basically my approach.

My son just got a phone in June but he's been chatting with friends through PlayStation for years. After a while I decided not to micromanage his friendships. He's going to get his feelings hurt, he's going to hurt some feelings, this is all part of learning. I'll warn him to be careful how he says things so he doesn't lose a friend (I warn him to be extra careful with one friend who lives 2 doors down because we are neighbors until he moves out on his own). I'll make suggestions when he talks to me about an issue but I would not get involved so deep as checking his phone to make sure he's not being rude.

Same here. I don't check their phones but they know I can. Both my boys are pretty low drama on the whole though. they don't get involved in the friend disagreements ans stay neutral ans norhing bothers them.

My oldest waa basically kicked our od a friend car for prom Junior year. 2pm of Prom day, he gets a text, "cars full, can't give you a ride"

I was furious but DS just shrugged his shoulders and went alone. Then they hung out all night (in a group). He did not arrange to ride with him for senior year though. Lesson learned...lol

[CurlyQ284]

Aug 24, 2024 9:13:52 GMT -5 cjcouple said:

Aug 24, 2024 7:27:34 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

This is basically my approach.

My son just got a phone in June but he's been chatting with friends through PlayStation for years. After a while I decided not to micromanage his friendships. He's going to get his feelings hurt, he's going to hurt some feelings, this is all part of learning. I'll warn him to be careful how he says things so he doesn't lose a friend (I warn him to be extra careful with one friend who lives 2 doors down because we are neighbors until he moves out on his own). I'll make suggestions when he talks to me about an issue but I would not get involved so deep as checking his phone to make sure he's not being rude.

Same here. I don't check their phones but they know I can. Both my boys are pretty low drama on the whole though. they don't get involved in the friend disagreements ans stay neutral ans norhing bothers them.

My oldest waa basically kicked our od a friend car for prom Junior year. 2pm of Prom day, he gets a text, "cars full, can't give you a ride"

I was furious but DS just shrugged his shoulders and went alone. Then they hung out all night (in a group). He did not arrange to ride with him for senior year though. Lesson learned...lol

Omg I would have been so upset. Good for him for not letting it get to him. My roommate in college did something similar to me and I was so hurt 😥

[Jalapeñomel]

Aug 23, 2024 22:00:37 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

I’m a bit confused, why did you intervene in this situation and ask to see her phone? It doesn’t sound like anything dangerous was happening (no talk of suicide, physical assault, verbal harassment, etc) except your daughter not wanting to hang out with someone which is totally fine. Unless there are concerns about physical or mental safety I don’t think parents need to butt in to teens friendships unless the teen is asking for help.

I of course think parents should have the right to look at kid’s phones but should use it with discretion to keep the trust and communication open.

Without going in to too many details I talk with teens who text about pregnancy, abortions, miscarriages, their periods etc and want to hide it from their parents at times for a variety of reasons(even supportive parents) and I do think it would break trust sometimes if you’re always asking to check their phone.

I’m here.

One thing I know about teenagers is they want fairness and a specific, solid reason. Saying that you want to read it “just because” or “I’m paying for it” will often lead to a blow up.

Sure giving them a solid reason might also lead to a blow up, but if the reason is solid then it makes it hard to argue with!

[momof2]

I think it is fine to look at texts when you have a concern.

I do think it seems strange that you felt the need to look at this particular text chain. It sounds like your daughter was telling you exactly what was going on. You didn’t have any reason to think your kid was bullying this kid and telling her things like “I hate you, I wish you would die, you are the ugliest girl in school, etc.”

The reality is telling someone you have no interest in hanging out with them is likely to always seem “mean.” And probably particularly mean via text, but that is how kids communicate. The desire not to seem “mean” is why many grown women on GNCN post about how to ghost or officially break up with a friend/coworker/etc. There is a ton of handwringing about how direct to be because the other person isn’t ever likely to take it well. I wouldn’t expect a teen to be able to communicate particularly well about this. But, it is just a life lesson for them to work through.

[SusanBAnthony]

Update: She woke up calmer, we had a good chat, and she showed me the texts.

My spidey sense was correct- but not for the reason I thought! DD was asking if Beth liked another friend in the group. She didn’t want me to see it because she thought I would be mad. Why? Idk.

I don't have any concerns about her exchange, told her I wasn't mad, and suggested she not gossip. Teens and their brains are wierd.

[bittybomb]

Yes we have the right to randomly check all phones - 16 y/o junior, 13 y/o freshman, 12 y/o 7th grader.

We have good kids for the most part so it’s seldom but I do occasionally check in. My BFFs daughter was being bullied horribly by her friend group in 7th grade and her daughter shared nothing. She only learned of it when doing a random phone check because her kid seemed off.

I believe it’s our right as parents to have the ability to always protect them. And phone use absolutely falls under that umbrella.

[DotAndBuzz]

I follow the advice of a psychologist (Lisa Damour - she has a great episode on this exact issue in her archives) I listen to - before you snoop/read texts, think about what you're going to do with the potential information. There is going to be friend drama in teenage years. There just is, and it's going to impact their behavior, because these things are SO HEAVY for them in the moment. Our own parents weren't privy to most of it, nor did they need to be. Unless it's a case of true bullying, or a safety issue, you may WANT to see it, but you don't necessarily NEED to see it. Neither of my girls would be open to me giving unsolicited "friendship lessons" at this point in the game (ages 13 and 16). If they come to me with an issue, I'll first ask them if they want my opinion on it, or if they just want to vent. Sometimes they just want to vent. Sometimes they vent, and then later come back and say yes, I want your opinion.

They know I can look at their phone at any time, but having seen what their instagram algorithms and such show them (dog and Taylor swift videos, lol), and how they use their online access, I haven't felt the need to. I'm entitled to, sure, but they've also earned some privacy, so I respect that. If their mood has shifted for more than a day or so, I'd prod a little and try to open the conversation, but most of the time, the drama resolves overnight.

[cville]

As of this summer, my daughter has a regular phone with the Bark app. It alerts for things like talk about self harm or other forms of harm/violence, sexual stuff, drug stuff, and certain links. And she can't download an app without approval. It also updates with slang/language adaptations. Like, I knows that unalive means suicide and n00ds means nudes.

The alerts are delayed, but that's about the level of control I feel comfortable with now. She has a much much more restricted phone in middle school (Troomi) and showed us that she was responsible.

Theoretically she knows we can look whenever and she's aware of the alerts. But I can't think of a time we have.

Thanks to the app approval I know she wants to try every goddamned phone game, ever.



Eta: I also like that you can set a "bedtime" and disable texting and certain apps after a set hour. We disable everything but Spotify, so she can listen to music.

[jinkies]

I have one kid whose phone I've never needed to monitor much at all, and one who gets in constant trouble with it. It really depends on the kid.

I have never intervened over friends issues though (and we've had more than our share). Only for sending/receiving inappropriate comments and reminders not to put anything in writing that you don't want on a billboard.

[DotAndBuzz]

oh yes, like cville, we have control of app downloads, and when the phone basically turns into an iPod and alarm clock. So she does keep it in her room overnight, as her alarm clock, but it can't do anything.

And I forgot to add about the texting, but jinkies, reminded me - when we gave them their phones, we reminded them that anything they send/text/post is no longer theirs to control. People *shouldn't* share without their permission, but that doesn't mean they won't. So never send anything you would't want someone else to see. Ever. Interestingly, this seems to have taken, and now they legit TALK on the phone. they don't text nearly as much as what I expected, but they'll FaceTime their friends for hours.

[fivechickens]

We told my kids when they got their phone (they share right now) that we can and will check their phone. We have the code to get into it (to be fair they know my access code as well).

[Gato]

I consider her texting private, just like I wouldn’t have wanted my mom listening in on my phone conversations when I was a teen.

In your situation, I would have a talk and figure out some ground rules that you both agree upon about the phone. I think 14 is old enough to have her say about privacy, but if you feel it’s important to have access to keep her safe, make that clear—it’s a condition of you having a phone (you’ve probably already done this but you can reiterate it nicely but firmly).

I would talk her about how to treat friends, even those you consider annoying acquaintances, kindly. Ultimately, though, she is going to make her decision about how to deal with the girl, and sometimes bad decisions are how kids learn stuff.