Trigger: calling hours/funeral etiquette

[cjcouple]

What do you think is the etiquette on wakes and funerals with extended family? 

My uncle (my dad's sister's spouse) passed away and his wake is Tuesday 4-7 and funeral Wednesday. I will obviously be going to the funeral but do you think the wake is also mandatory - etiquette wise? 

We live an hour away. I was close with my aunt when I was younger but haven't been super connected in 20+ years.  My cousins are a good 20+ years younger than me and we are not close.  Obviously, I love them as my cousins but it's not like my older cousins who I grew up with.  They were babies when I left the state.  Just a little background. thoughts?    

[heyyounotyouyou]

Absolutely not mandatory.

[lavenderblue]

In your case, I would only go to the funeral itself. I've noticed recently that a lot of times families will hold a visitation the night before for a few hours and then again the following morning before services. That's actually what we did for my Dad when he passed a few years ago.

[hermione]

I don't think anything is mandatory. You go when you go, do what you can do, for these things.

[mrsslocombe]

Absolutely not mandatory. Even if you lived closed. Even if you were emotionally closer. Also totally fine to attend the wake but not the funeral if that works better for you.

[momin2013]

I think it would be fine to go to either, but no need to go to both.

[beerlover]

I think you're absolutely fine going to just the funeral.

[circa1978]

Not mandatory. The only thing I would say is that at my father's funeral itself/cemetery, I found I was not able to talk to many people who came/didn't even know they attended. The visitation made it a lot easier for people to express their sympathy and I remember everyone I talked to there. I would almost suggest if you picked one, go to the wake.*

*More religious people may have a different feeling for sure, if there is a sense of ritual/peace to be found in a Mass or service.

[Roc A Bee]

Nothing is mandatory.

I think this varies widely by location and culture.

I’m on the west coast, and the norm seems to be to go to the funeral. My east coast family seem to prioritize the viewing.

I say do what works for you.

[jackie011]

We just had my MIL’s visitation and funeral last week. She lived in a small town, but had moved away 10 years prior. Many people came to one or the other. The close family who live in town/within an hour attended both. Family who live farther away attended one or the other, and everyone completely understood.

We had time to chat at the visitation and then FIL sponsored a luncheon after the service, and we were able to chat to people there. Other than those two times, we didn’t really get to see people.

[bee20]

For weekday funerals especially, attending just the evening wake is totally fine.

[sadlebred]

I think you are fine going to either the funeral or the wake.

[lust2hart]

You definitely do not have to go to both, and honestly, if you want to catch up w family, my vote is to attend the visitation and not the funeral. If you’d rather do an in-n-out thing, go to the funeral. But don’t feel guilty about not attending both!

[countthestars]

I don't think you need to go to both. Personally, I would prioritize the wake (East Coast, if that matters).

[cjcouple]

thanks all - I am also on east coast but my Aunt is very religious and they are having a church service. I will definitely go to that. I also don't know if 3 of her 4 sisters will be there. One had a cruise booked months ago and the other is having hip surgery today. The 3rd is a drama queen and a long story but she is likely not traveling back. I think her only sibling attending is her twin (my dad passed already)

[macmars45]

Aug 28, 2024 18:20:31 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

I’m on the west coast, and the norm seems to be to go to the funeral. My east coast family seem to prioritize the viewing.

Regional differences are so interesting to me. I'm on the west coast too and it would never occur to me to attend the wake over the funeral.

[wildrice]

I think this is also family dependent. It was pretty normal in my extended family for people to live 45-60 minutes apart, so any family funeral I've been to I think the expectation would be that we would go to the wake AND the funeral. I don't think anyone would be pissed if someone skipped one of them, but it would have been unusual and there probably would have been some comments about how it was too bad they couldn't be there. Truly out of town family (like several hour drive or flight away) there were no expectations and it wasn't unusual for them not to attend (I'm using past tense here because I'm now a flight away so I don't know what I will do next time someone passes, if anything. I have a huge family so it's not reasonable to think I'd fly back for every single death over the years - that's like 40+ people lol).

Really, I think you do whatever you want to do and everyone else can deal. If you don't feel like it's the right thing for YOU to do both, pick one or neither.

[definitelyO]

wake is not required.

[brooke77]

I’m sorry for your loss. Not mandatory or expected to go to both.

I’m an East-coaster (NE) and wakes are priority in my group.