Class Size + Making Friends, Middle School edition

[sent]

Aug 30, 2024 13:23:34 GMT -5 minzy said:

Am I remembering correctly that your daughter is on the younger end for her grade? Just wondering if that might be a component too.

She is possibly the youngest one since she started public school but I don't think this is the issue.  She was with kids closer in age before public school and was still shy then, the only difference was the class sizes were much smaller. She's always taken a while to warm up even when hanging out with familiar people like her cousins that she has seen from when she was born. 

[gummy]

I don't have kids so I really have no weight in this discussion, but it could simply be that she's an introvert. Having more than 3 good friends is a nightmare to me. Most of the time I gravitate towards only 1. If you suspect it may just be introvert vs extrovert, I really like the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It helped my H understand me better

[sent]

Aug 30, 2024 10:31:55 GMT -5 DarcyLongfellow said:

I'd encourage her to try some clubs and activities through the school -- band, drama club, an art club.

Last year after school she did Student Council for 5th/6th and Spanish Club. She enjoyed both very much. She even ran for secretary of Student Council. I did manage her expectations and explained it's a good idea to run to get the experience but to not get her hopes up about winning because it's usually a popularity contest at that level. And then explained what that means. That's exactly what happened but I said I was still proud of her for putting herself out there and giving a speech in front of everyone. She does band and chorus during the school day but I'm not sure if the clubs like the musical or various ensembles start in 6th or 7th. 

[sent]

Aug 30, 2024 15:28:08 GMT -5 gummy said:

I don't have kids so I really have no weight in this discussion, but it could simply be that she's an introvert. Having more than 3 good friends is a nightmare to me. Most of the time I gravitate towards only 1. If you suspect it may just be introvert vs extrovert, I really like the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It helped my H understand me better

I will check out this book. I see that my library has it, thanks for the recommendation. It has crossed my mind about the introvert thing. What scares me is that her dad seems to be the same way but I didn't realize it in the beginning when I met him. It took years before I realized that he couldn't just go up and talk to strangers in a social setting. The pattern was that he used alcohol every time before having to face groups of people to get through pretty much every social event. I don't want either of my kids to ever end up thinking that's the solution to any problem in life. 

[basilosaurus]

Aug 30, 2024 20:21:14 GMT -5 sent said:

Aug 30, 2024 15:28:08 GMT -5 gummy said:

I don't have kids so I really have no weight in this discussion, but it could simply be that she's an introvert. Having more than 3 good friends is a nightmare to me. Most of the time I gravitate towards only 1. If you suspect it may just be introvert vs extrovert, I really like the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It helped my H understand me better

I will check out this book. I see that my library has it, thanks for the recommendation. It has crossed my mind about the introvert thing. What scares me is that her dad seems to be the same way but I didn't realize it in the beginning when I met him. It took years before I realized that he couldn't just go up and talk to strangers in a social setting. The pattern was that he used alcohol every time before having to face groups of people to get through pretty much every social event. I don't want either of my kids to ever end up thinking that's the solution to any problem in life. 

Being introverted does not necessarily mean unable to small talk and interact with strangers. I'm very introverted (and never had more than 2 close friends at one time), and I'm perfectly capable of interacting with new people or mingling at a party. Hell, I used to have a job teaching up to 20 new adults every day where I had to not just impart information but keep their focus, entertain.

All those interactions are exhausting, though, and I need quiet alone space for a long time after. 

[joy]

I …oh. Hmm.

I was the quiet kid. I had the mom telling me to be something I wasn’t (louder, less shy, more outgoing, etc). It was stressful as hell because the last thing I personally wanted was to be seen and heard and selling cookies to parents.

I was quietly figuring out life with some (not at all many) trusty friends. I was learning my school material and doing projects in a way that worked for me. I was “warming up” and “simmering” and finding my way.

I hit college and blossomed into a full adult who was much more what my mom wanted me to be but in my own time.

I would just …tread carefully.

[thebreakfastclub]

OP's husband is truly a dark cloud over the family and these kids. His introversion or other issues don't earn him a pass for being a cruel person.

[heyyounotyouyou]

I was the shyest of shy kids up until about 6th grade and a switch turned and I’m the most extroverted extrovert you’d meet.

[lovelovelove]

I don't know the full history of what's going on with H, but I'm getting a feel from this post and others you've shared , OP. I'm not going to project how your DD might be dealing or feeling, but I'm going to give personal experience.

Growing up I had a volatile home life. My dad was off the rails mentally and emotionally. There was tons of yelling and instability involved. He humiliated me in front of peers. I did not want to involve outsiders in that aspect of my life so I hid it. This had/has all sorts of social and emotional ramifications even still for me. Then my H abused alcohol when my dd was young and even as he was no longer abusing alcohol it took a long time for him to get his mental health in a better place where he wasn't angry and volatile (and his anger wasnt directed at me or dd, that adds a whole other layer). I tried to shield dd from it at first but kids are perceptive. It started to affect her - not wanting to have people to the house bc daddy gets angry/what if he's in a bad mood, etc. H and I had to make some major changes which included medication and therapy for all of us. Additionally there is research on effects of kids being exposed to substance abuse and unsupported household/parent in terms of their development, adjustment, etc. All of that to say- you sounds like you're trying hard to be aware of her social situations and that your Hs drinking is a factor, but your dd may have more on her mind about this than what you've mentioned as your concerns. I'd ask her pedi and school counselor and be super honest about your home life. And I would take dd out and remind her that you or another trusted adult are safe to share with, that you want her safe, healthy, and happy.

[raleighnc]

After your updates about the clubs and teams, it sounds like she has the social skills. I would keep her involved in those. I would still pursue therapy for all the other issues going on in her house plus the friend issues. I know her voice volume can be related to her speech issues, but I can't help wondering if it's been a coping mechanism for so long due to the stress in your house that it's hard to change. Like she's trying to draw as little attention as possible. That is what I would worry about - not that she'll end up abusing alcohol because she's an introvert. Introverts are perfectly healthy; substance abusers are not. Your H doesn't abuse alcohol because he's introverted. She is not more likely to abuse alcohol because she's introverted. She's more likely to abuse it because of risk factors like parental use, stress at home, or any mental health issues (i.e., if she develops depression or anxiety). Protective factors include having supportive adults in her life and finding healthy ways to manage stress. Start with the counselors for everyone.