@ Invite wording - Update pg 2

[jennistarr1]

Sept 3, 2024 11:03:11 GMT -5 ellipses84 said:

Sept 3, 2024 10:41:11 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

I like the update

Well...not the husband part, but I like what you did there

my SIL insisted on her kids ( who I LOVE but) be invited to my bachelorette party, but she didn't want them at my shower. My husband came to me and ...long story short husbands are stupid

I feel like I’m reading this wrong! Why would she want her kids at a bachelorette party?!!

I had it a winery and her rationale was kids are allowed at a winery. I had invited my mom and MIL to the winery and my MIL was her babysitter, like the only one she ever used. So I left it as, well there's plenty of time to find another sitter or your parents or your sister or if you can't make it, I understand. Well she made it a family issue, enter my husband, kids come to winery and then MIL watched them the rest of the night.

She did ALOT of bizarre stuff around my wedding, they actually divorced a few years later

[dexteroni]

Sept 3, 2024 12:02:12 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

The men are welcome to take the dad to be golfing and give him an Amazon gift card for diapers if they really feel a need to gather and celebrate.

Agreed! But this way the women do all the planning and work and all they have to do is show up and drink. OP, you may want to bookmark some of the emotional labor and weaponized incompetence threads on this board to send to your friend in a few years.

[wanderingback]

Also, my toddler pretty much eats adult size portions these days lol. She eats the same food we eat and now we have to order her her own plate/meals cause we can’t share plates anymore cause she eats so much. So depending on how many people might bring kids you should probably want to know how many people you need to feed.

Sorry you got stuck in the middle of this!

[mofongo]

I mean, are all the men you guys know assholes? This has not been my experience at co-ed showers, or any other types of parties. This is not in reference to the invite situation, just the way the conversation has turned.

[dexteroni]

Sept 3, 2024 12:27:22 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Sept 3, 2024 12:14:21 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Agreed! But this way the women do all the planning and work and all they have to do is show up and drink. OP, you may want to bookmark some of the emotional labor and weaponized incompetence threads on this board to send to your friend in a few years.

now I’m completely confused - don’t most guests ‘just show up’ to a party rather than participate in planning? If it’s mostly about the male friends of dad, why can’t it say ‘adults only’ and mom can do something else with the kids? If he has a single dad friend, I’m guessing that guy is used to stepping up as a parent.

I was replying to the suggestion that the dad’s male friends throw him their own shower. If they want to throw him a party, they would have to plan it. But they don’t have to do any of that work now because they can just go to the party the women have planned.

[jinkies]

Anything other than being completely clear that it is Adults Only is going to backfire in some way. I would not get "adults only" from almost any of the proposed suggestions in this thread. I am dumb with this kind of stuff and need invitations to just say what they want, which is adults only.

And honestly, even normally well behaved kids lose all sense of decorum when they are in large, unsupervised groups. I stopped hosting playdates with parents for this reason (was happy to have the kids if I was also free to supervise them, and not entertaining parents. But I couldn't do both).

I really think you need to push for Adults Only. Families can decide whether to hire a sitter, or plan for their kid to be at a playdate elsewhere, or only send one parent to the party while the other is home with the kids. There are lots of options and it's completely normal to expect people to figure it out. They are very much over thinking this.

If her H wants a compromise, then the compromise would be to hire someone to supervise the kids in a contained area, ideally outside.

He can say that "Adults only" or having him personally supervise is not a compromise, but neither is allowing kids that will stress out his wife.

[penguingrrl]

Sept 3, 2024 12:02:12 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

Sept 3, 2024 11:55:33 GMT -5 sent said:

Oh I've seen this go down. You will ask nicely. The dad/husband won't move from his spot and will turn halfway around to yell "hey kid, knock it off." He will then proceed to join back in the conversation about sports, grab another beer, and continue to ignore the terror child he brought to the party. 

I don't think any of this is going to work out nicely for your friend. Maybe she should make it "adult women only" so all these husbands and kids can stay home. 

This. I've said many times I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but co-ed showers are really just what's said up above and the men/dads just use it as a social event and then complain they "wasted" an afternoon. The men are welcome to take the dad to be golfing and give him an Amazon gift card for diapers if they really feel a need to gather and celebrate.

That’s an interesting take. I’ve been to almost solely coed showers and the men are always as into it as the women. I’ve also almost never been to a shower that does games or any of the things I’ve read about on here. They’re usually just a nice party to celebrate the to be wed couple or parents to be and the only thing that marks them as a shower is the gift opening part (and I’ve even been to ones that skipped that, which I immensely preferred since that’s boring).

[litskispeciality]

Sept 3, 2024 12:30:38 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Sept 3, 2024 12:27:22 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

now I’m completely confused - don’t most guests ‘just show up’ to a party rather than participate in planning? If it’s mostly about the male friends of dad, why can’t it say ‘adults only’ and mom can do something else with the kids? If he has a single dad friend, I’m guessing that guy is used to stepping up as a parent.

I was replying to the suggestion that the dad’s male friends throw him their own shower. If they want to throw him a party, they would have to plan it. But they don’t have to do any of that work now because they can just go to the party the women have planned.

To be honest I originally assumed the shower was ladies only until the update where the H was being a jerk. Even at that point I ASSumed the dad was going to be at the shower/open house, but didn't expect it to be a large co-ed thing. I figured the sticky situations were one or two family members on either side who are going to bring their (older than breastfeeding age) kids regardless of what the host and/or mom to be want. Open House would lead more toward welcoming every adult, not just the moms/females, but again I haven't been invited to one of those. Both the men and women (parents or not) should be able to go to a shower should the host open it up as co-ed, however it's typically the mom's "responsibility" to find childcare if the event isn't kid friendly. It's not ok or right, but it happens more than it should. Even here most folks put it on the host, mom to be etc. to book a babysitter for the kids rather than the dad to be since he's so set on having kids at this party.

I haven't been to a lot of co-ed showers where the men were involved, they typically just gathered in one area to chat (as mentioned above about "taking care of the kids"). I happened to be at a brewery one time where they were hosting a co-ed baby shower, and the male presenting folks seemed to be bored when they opened up games and things, but the venue seemed like a good compromise that you could go sit and play games, or you could just drink and talk. Perhaps this open house set up would also be that way, which sounds nice.

My husband's co-workers (who spend a lot of time together outside of work) have been going through their baby years and most of the showers don't even invite the co-workers outside of maybe 1 or 2 good friends. The (mostly male) colleagues typically get together to collect money to put toward a gift card for food, diaper's (if they know where the parents plan to shop), or just money on a card etc. They've had no hard feelings about not being invited to showers when they spend a lot of time together outside of work for other things. 

Also echoing above that a co-ed party (typically planned by women) takes the workload off of the men. In the end it might be easier to have one big party should everyone be engaged and having fun, but I bet men wouldn't go out of their way to host a separate party for the dad to be if the mom to be had a ladies only event.

[litskispeciality]

The food count may also be another good reason for OP to support the adult only invitation. I could see additional regrets of:

1. Kids who aren't invited show up and eat all of the food that was planned (for adults)
2. Parents complaining there isn't kid friendly food (like pizza), because the host only accounted for adults eating (adult) food.

[eb777888]

Sept 3, 2024 12:10:36 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Sept 3, 2024 12:02:12 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

This. I've said many times I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but co-ed showers are really just what's said up above and the men/dads just use it as a social event and then complain they "wasted" an afternoon. The men are welcome to take the dad to be golfing and give him an Amazon gift card for diapers if they really feel a need to gather and celebrate.

We had a co-ed shower. I was happy to have my partner, dad, uncle and and me and my partner’s male friends there. I really don’t think they complained that much. 

So did we. We didn't do any of the traditional games (I'm not a fan of those) but four of my friends threw us a huge party with catered food, alcohol, music. It was so much fun! As  far as I was concerned, then men didn't complain? 

[archiethedragon]

Sept 3, 2024 12:15:52 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I mean, are all the men you guys know assholes? This has not been my experience at co-ed showers, or any other types of parties. This is not in reference to the invite situation, just the way the conversation has turned.

Are you new here?   

[wanderingback]

Sept 3, 2024 12:15:52 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I mean, are all the men you guys know assholes? This has not been my experience at co-ed showers, or any other types of parties. This is not in reference to the invite situation, just the way the conversation has turned.

I mean it is not surprising, but still every time I’m surprised lol.
Stop having relationships with and hanging out with lame ass men and friends! We’re not even talking about blood relatives here, these are people you actively chose to have in your lives…

[waverly]

Sept 3, 2024 13:13:06 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Sept 3, 2024 12:15:52 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I mean, are all the men you guys know assholes? This has not been my experience at co-ed showers, or any other types of parties. This is not in reference to the invite situation, just the way the conversation has turned.

I mean it is not surprising, but still every time I’m surprised lol.
Stop having relationships with and hanging out with lame ass men and friends! We’re not even talking about blood relatives here, these are people you actively chose to have in your lives…

This is really the problem.  A lot of this would be avoided if the parents who don't watch the kids are cut from the guest list because they are not good people to have at a party.  But the H wants them there, so .....

[mofongo]

Sept 3, 2024 13:13:06 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Sept 3, 2024 12:15:52 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I mean, are all the men you guys know assholes? This has not been my experience at co-ed showers, or any other types of parties. This is not in reference to the invite situation, just the way the conversation has turned.

I mean it is not surprising, but still every time I’m surprised lol.
Stop having relationships with and hanging out with lame ass men and friends! We’re not even talking about blood relatives here, these are people you actively chose to have in your lives…

And it sounds like it’s both parents not watching the kids, right? So why are the men getting all the blame. 

[Roc A Bee]

How’s the weather there? Can you host in the backyard? My DH has a huge family, and kids attending events is common. Both times, we’ve hosted outside. Kids can be free to run around, and I don’t have to worry, too much, about my house.

[rachers]

Sept 3, 2024 12:15:52 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I mean, are all the men you guys know assholes? This has not been my experience at co-ed showers, or any other types of parties. This is not in reference to the invite situation, just the way the conversation has turned.

Right? Almost all of our showers, wedding or baby, are co-ed and the men are really helpful! And they can put together a mean balloon arch!

[DotAndBuzz]

Sept 3, 2024 13:35:22 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

How’s the weather there? Can you host in the backyard? My DH has a huge family, and kids attending events is common. Both times, we’ve hosted outside. Kids can be free to run around, and I don’t have to worry, too much, about my house.

Mid/late October in the Midwest. Could be sunny and 75, could snow. 😂 outdoor planning will definitely be more last minute if we can have it outside.

I just talked to her mom. She’s a lady who does NOT fuck around, and you do NOT cross. She’s on it, and told me she’ll tell people to go check their kids, no hesitation. It’s only a few people we’re worried about, one of whom is her son/brother of the mom-to-be, and she’s already locking shit down with him, lol. Grandma X has no patience for BS, and I adore her 😁. She liked the rsvp wording, so it will likely stay close-ish to that, so that if the H relents in the meantime, he can reach out to his friends that may have brought kids to leave them at home.

[emilyinchile]

I also consider baby showers to be social events. Am I secretly a man? But I don't like golf, so maybe not, since apparently that's what men do? Like yes, obviously you congratulate the mom/parents-to-be, and there's a portion with presents and maybe some games, but mostly...they're just social events?

OP, sounds like you've got it sorted thanks to the future grandmother, so that's good!

[sent]

Sept 3, 2024 14:00:18 GMT -5 rachers said:

Sept 3, 2024 12:15:52 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I mean, are all the men you guys know assholes? This has not been my experience at co-ed showers, or any other types of parties. This is not in reference to the invite situation, just the way the conversation has turned.

Right? Almost all of our showers, wedding or baby, are co-ed and the men are really helpful! And they can put together a mean balloon arch!

I don't know the last time I went to a shower where anyone in attendance would know how to put together a balloon arch. I'm sure people could figure it out, but no one would really want to do that unless the decorator bailed on the host big time. 

But it sounds like the Grandma has this situation figured out.

[ECB]

Sept 3, 2024 14:18:41 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

Sept 3, 2024 13:35:22 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

How’s the weather there? Can you host in the backyard? My DH has a huge family, and kids attending events is common. Both times, we’ve hosted outside. Kids can be free to run around, and I don’t have to worry, too much, about my house.

Mid/late October in the Midwest. Could be sunny and 75, could snow. 😂 outdoor planning will definitely be more last minute if we can have it outside.

I just talked to her mom. She’s a lady who does NOT fuck around, and you do NOT cross. She’s on it, and told me she’ll tell people to go check their kids, no hesitation. It’s only a few people we’re worried about, one of whom is her son/brother of the mom-to-be, and she’s already locking shit down with him, lol. Grandma X has no patience for BS, and I adore her 😁. She liked the rsvp wording, so it will likely stay close-ish to that, so that if the H relents in the meantime, he can reach out to his friends that may have brought kids to leave them at home.

EXCELLENT!  This was going to be my suggestion if these fools do come with their kids - as you said you don't mind annoying his friends, I was going to say to task someone with riding the parents about their kids!  If her mom will do this, perfect.

And her DH... I side eye him.  If that's his attitude, she's in for doing 90% of the child-rearing unless she puts her foot down and insists he get in line!

[sadlebred]

I'd completely uninvite her H from the shower. Sounds like he's a jerk.

[heygrey]

This does not sound like a man with whom I would want to co-parent.