@ WWYD: Ex-SIL edition

[picksthemusic]

My ex-SIL has done something that is way out of bounds, and I don't know where to put my feelings about it, nor do I know what to do since it happened.

Situation: I was away on a business trip last week, and after a long, exhausting day, I call DH to chat. DH tells me that he had something to tell me that I probably wouldn't like. That day, our kids (DD12/DS10) spent the day with my FIL because of DH having to be at the office and we have workers here at the house finishing up a remodel project, so we couldn't leave the kids by themselves with strangers. Anyway, FIL took the kids to BIL's house to hang out while he did work there. BIL and XSIL were there, and XSIL asks if she can take the kids mini-golfing. There is a local-ish spot for that, so FIL okays it. BIL does not go, so it's just XSIL and my kids.

Apparently they were gone much longer than anyone anticipated. She took them to a mini-golf place MUCH farther than was expected, then took them to another far-away park (Gasworks Park if anyone is familiar with Seattle - and they had originally started in Edmonds), then to eat at Dick's (a drive-up burger joint), then to Starbucks where the kids forgot what they wanted to order and got coffee drinks instead and ended up throwing them away because they didn't like them and XSIL got upset at them due to the cost/waste. Then brought them back. That might be out of order, but that's beside the point.

Some details: XSIL is Deaf (no hearing aids or anything). The kids barely speak enough ASL/SEE to get by; DD is the one who understands the most but still it's not great. DS doesn't speak/understand much at all. XSIL didn't bother taking DS's booster seat (he's not 4'9 yet) so DS was not properly protected, nor did she tell anyone where else they were going - just that they were going to mini-golf. NO ONE asked my or DH's permission to let her take the kids anywhere (yes we were working/out of town - regardless, we should have been notified). She didn't tell anyone anything else, nor did she keep in touch. DD has a phone, but she was nervous about upsetting XSIL, and for the most part they were okay.

The kids haven't spent much time with XSIL since the divorce almost a year ago - and even then it's only been in group events with family (and she's not shown up for at least 6 months because of the divorce and it being weird). So it's not like she's their favorite auntie or whatever - XSIL says she misses them, but makes no other effort to see them or spend time with them, so this was out of the ordinary.

I'm SO angry at her - but what do I do? Is there anything TO do? DH is pissed too, but he's of the mind that it's over, the kids are fine, and XSIL will never get the opportunity to do that again. I'm also angry at FIL and BIL since they were both there and didn't think to ASK US. Text, call, whatever - WE are the parents. All the What Ifs are floating around in my head and I'm just livid that NO ONE thought to even let us know.

We had a talk with DD about how she can always call us/text us if she's in a situation where she's uncomfortable or feels unsafe - ESPECIALLY if she's with someone and doesn't know where she is/what to do. That we will make every effort to get her/her brother safe no matter what - work be damned.

Anyway - WWYD? I want to write her an email, but not sure what good it would do. Do I want an apology? Maybe. Do I want her to acknowledge what a monumentally STUPID thing it was to do? I guess. I can see where it could be considered a nice offer and stuff, but I just cannot fathom taking children that are not mine all over hinder and yon with no permission (other than that of my FIL) or updates or anything. No pictures, nothing.

Thanks for reading - sorry it was long.

[maudefindlay]

I'm guessing there is more back story here and that you do not trust XSIL, because otherwise I don't get all the outrage. She did have permission from your FIL to take the kids. I would not contact her, I would contact FIL/BIL and let them know she does not have permission to take the kids again.

[mcppalmbeach]

Sept 3, 2024 14:30:15 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

I'm guessing there is more back story here and that you do not trust XSIL, because otherwise I don't get all the outrage. She did have permission from your FIL to take the kids. I would not contact her, I would contact FIL/BIL and let them know she does not have permission to take the kids again.

Exactly this. I understood she was gone longer than anticipated and that’s a problem, but if no one clarified with her which mini golf place she was going I can see that as being NBD. The complaint should be with the person who was entrusted to watch your kid with the admonishment that when you are watching the kids they need to stay in your care unless you get our approval first.

[1confused1]

Sept 3, 2024 14:30:15 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

I'm guessing there is more back story here and that you do not trust XSIL, because otherwise I don't get all the outrage. She did have permission from your FIL to take the kids. I would not contact her, I would contact FIL/BIL and let them know she does not have permission to take the kids again.

This is where I’m at. I understand it wasn’t what you thought was going to happen, but it sounds like your kids were safe (except for the booster seat) and had fun.

I wouldn’t contact her either.

[ny96]

I agree with Maudefindlay. I would not expect a 10 year old to use a booster and so I wouldn’t think to put another person’s 10 year old in one (I’m not making a judgement either way, I just wouldn’t think of it). It doesn’t sound like you trust her and so I wouldn’t let her take them again, but I don’t think what she did was out of line.

[thebreakfastclub]

I do not see the cause for extreme outrage, more like annoyance. I would be more annoyed at FIL who gave permission.

[simpsongal]

I mean....it's weird and unexpected....

I wouldn't think it's something I would had to have specified and all the other adults involved were probably surprised too. Like, I wouldn't take my niece and nephews for jaunts all over the place like that simply b/c I wouldn't want to. Maybe she had an end point in mind and was trying to think of ways to burn ~5 hours.

My rosiest spin is that it was a very nice but ill-informed gesture. I wouldn't sweat the booster, people w/o kids of a certain seem to have little knowledge/appreciation for those requirements (I'm in a crunchy area and people ignore booster height requirements all the time). Same for coffee drinks, again, just unwise.

Sounds like you and DH have the right take w/the kids - teachable moment re their freedom to text, what to do, and that adults don't always do the right thing. Maybe you'll laugh about it one day? That's the type of story that would be retold over and over in our house - like "XSIL wants to send our toddler a caramel macchiato for Christmas...."

[mccallister84]

Yea without knowing any back story none of this would bother me. I would not expect my parents to get my approval if they had my kids and another relative asked to take them somewhere.

[TR]

So BIL is your DH’s brother? And is divorced from XSIL? I guess I’m more confused why they’re hanging out a year later, but to each their own lol

[wanderingback]

Sept 3, 2024 14:30:15 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

I'm guessing there is more back story here and that you do not trust XSIL, because otherwise I don't get all the outrage. She did have permission from your FIL to take the kids. I would not contact her, I would contact FIL/BIL and let them know she does not have permission to take the kids again.

This.
I honestly don’t know the rules about booster seats off the top of my head, but that’s the main thing I’d be annoyed about. I would make sure that all family members know proper restraint options (since it sounds like maybe the in laws who were originally watching the kids didn’t know/tell her about the booster). But otherwise I would not contact the XSIL.

To put it in perspective, when we have a babysitter I don’t know everywhere that they go. We usually leave suggestions like there’s library story time today, but I don’t expect the babysitter to update us on every location they go or if they decide to stay out all day.

[jinkies]

Yeah I also feel like I am missing some backstory.

Regardless, I am with your husband that it's over, everyone is OK, and she won't have the opportunity again. I would have your H talk to his family to make sure they are clear that you don't want her taking the kids places. But otherwise I don't see where there is anything to be gained by confronting her. And has the potential to make you look like the bad guy regardless of your reasons for feeling uncomfortable ("I took her kids for a fun day instead of making them sit around the house watching their grandfather work. I even fully paid for everything, and she freaked out!")

[InBetweenDays]

I agree with the others. Without understanding if there is more backstory this alone doesn't concern me (beyond not having a booster for your 10 yo). As I always tell the kids (and remind myself) - "assume good intentions". It sounds like your XSIL had good intentions of taking the kids out for a fun day of mini golfing, Gasworks, and Dick's burgers. And I'm guessing your BIL/FIL didn't know you would be upset about this. I don't think they did anything "wrong" it's just that you would prefer more communication. And sounds like they didn't know that. So I would clarify that for the future but I don't think anyone needs to apologize for any of this.

[Roc A Bee]

Yeah I don’t really think I’d be mad but perhaps there is more backstory. I guess the only thing that would irritate me is the lack of booster, but I know many 10 year olds without one, so maybe it didn’t cross her mind.

[gerberdaisy]

I'm with others, there must be backstory that we don't know, because none of this would outrage me. I'd be happy they had a fun day vs sitting around doing nothing (which is me projecting what would have happened if the kids were home all day for me)

[mofongo]

It’s reasonable to want to know where your kids are, and who they’re with. You left them with FIL, you need to talk to him about this and let him know that he needs to let you know before he sends your kids off with someone else, especially someone you would never have expected to even be there.

It doesn’t sound like she had bad intentions, and honestly it wouldn’t cross my mind to put a 10yr old in a booster seat.

I would talk to your FIL about expectations going forward.

[emilyinchile]

I'd be furious about the booster seat, and my fury would extend to BIL/FIL in equal measure if they knew she was going without it and didn't stop her. ETA: this is assuming they knew your son should use a booster seat. I'm coming from the toddler perspective where it's a major duh, I don't know what's normal at 10 these days.

The rest of it...I 10000% see why you are uncomfortable with it all, but I don't know that I would classify it as SIL doing something awful. When we leave L with my ILs they don't tell us where they're going, we just trust their judgment, so that part of it all isn't something that for me screams "problem" in MY context.

[meanie]

If someone makes choices that make you uncomfortable while they are supervising your children, they simply wouldn't have the opportunity to be in that situation again.

I'm sorry, it sounds like it was a very frustrating situation with a lot of mis/noncommunication, but I don't think there is anything to do other than avoid it in the future.

[SusanBAnthony]

I would not be outraged about this unless ExSIL had previously been banned from taking the kids.

I might be annoyed about the booster but honestly at 10 that is minor.

[dontlook]

She took the kids and they had fun (beyond the coffee). The only person I’d be annoyed with is FIL for allowing my kids to go with someone else without even asking me/ letting me know. I would clarify that I expect him to ask before sending the kids off on an adventure. Assuming SIL paid for all of that I’d send her a thank you email.

[livinitup]

I would hate hearing about these shenanigans so much and really hate that I couldn’t yell about it to anyone.

People are so stupid.

Don’t put anything in writing. Not even a little bit.

[MDmomof2]

I feel that since you and your DH are pissed that there is something else going on, because like the other posters, this would not bother me. At ages 10 and 12 I wasn't too concerned about where my kids were without me if they were with TRUSTED people...so I am sensing that you don't trust your XSIL?

[waverly]

I think the issue is that FIL thought she would be gone maybe 1.5 hours and going to a local mini golf place and instead she went much farther away and made mulitple other stops. I guess he thought he wouldn't ask your DH's permission because it was so close by and not a big deal, but then 5 hours later she is still gone.

I would let FIL know that he is to ask you all before granting permission for others to take the kids anywhere.

Are there concerns about SIL driving due to her deafness? Overall the kids had a good time and were safe. I didn't have my 10 year old in a booster either, so I don't think I would have thought about that. Were the kids sort of able to communicate with SIL? I'm wondering why your 12 year old never texted you though, and I am glad you had that conversation of hey give me a text and let me know what is going on. Or FIL or SIL never texted you?  The lack of communication is astonishing. 

[starburst604]

I do see how there are several things that were less than ideal/something you wouldn't have allowed (lack of booster, coffee drinks, not reaching out to let you know), but I also can understand how someone who doesn't have kids wouldn't think about those things. Even as a parent I wouldn't think about a booster for a 10 yr old unless they were exceptionally tiny. DD has one friend who is 10 and still uses one, but she's maybe 4'3".

I understand how the whole thing caught you off guard and that the "what if's" bother you. Putting myself in your place with a kid who has food allergies, I would want to know about any transfer of care to make sure the adult was informed and had the epipen. I don't get the sense that this is something that could occur again soon, but definitely worth giving your FIL a heads up if you leave them in his care again, that you and H are to be notified BEFORE he leaves them in the care of anyone else.

But I wouldn't say anything to XSIL. 

[bears]

Is your concern with your SIL being Deaf? Or was it that she didn't have a good way to communicate with your kids? Otherwise, I'm really confused why you are so angry.

My kids are the same age and, as long as I was comfortable with xSIL, I would have no concerns and would be glad they got out of the house. I would talk to DD about how she has a phone for situations just like this one, and should always text or call me or MH if she's uncomfortable in a situation.

[wildrice]

Reading between the lines, did they have a crappy day with her because they couldn't communicate well with her? Were the kids upset? I guess I'm missing something here too because I wouldn't be upset with XSIL here at all, I would be more annoyed at your FIL for not running to by you before giving XSIL permission to take them. I think as their caregiver that day, he had the responsibility to make sure everything was safe and approved.

But assuming that XSIL hasn't had any safety concerns in the past, I am assuming everyone involved just thought this was a trusted adult who would take care of the kids and didn't think about it much more than that. Every family is different but I'm trying to picture what would happen if I were to take my sister's kids somewhere while my parents were watching them, and I don't think anyone would be too worried about whether I had express permission from the parents because the parents would say yes if asked anyway. I like to think I'd at least send my sister a text but I don't know.

I think instead of blowing up at anyone, I'd just say something to XSIL like "thanks so much for taking the kids out yesterday! Just for future reference, DS uses a booster seat and I'd like you to keep me in the loop just so I know where they are.". I'd also tell your FIL these things and reiterate that he should not let anyone take them in the future without running it by you, since that's what you'd prefer. But I think creating some big family drama over this would be blowing it out of proportion given what you've written.

[osulori]

To answer your question-I think your husband should mention to his dad and brother that in the future, if one of them is in charge of your kids and someone else wants to take them somewhere they need to run it by you or your husband first. And that for as long as a booster seat is necessary for your son, they have to make sure it's in whatever car he's riding in period. I get why you're upset-I can totally see one of my SILs doing something similar and it'd piss me off too. But confronting your exSIL on this is very unlikely to get you the response you're looking for, and your kids don't see her very much anyway so the chances that a situation like this would come up with her are pretty slim.

[wanderingback]

Ok re-reading it sounds like maybe your daughter was scared/nervous? Based on you saying she wanted to use her phone but was nervous to make SIL mad by calling?

I’m not sure how often your in-laws watch the kids but your husband should just clarify with his family that if anyone else offers to watch the kids they need to call you all. I would not email or be made at SIL, assuming she had permission and didn’t kidnap them.

[7costanza]

I’m local so am familiar with the distances you’re taking about and would be annoyed, but not angry about this. I would let it go after talking to FIL and BIL about expectations around communication and booster usage. It’s totally reasonable to want to know where your kids are and who they are with, but it’s not clear that FIL knew he needed permission to let them go with XSIL. That being said, it definitely sounds like there is backstory that could make me feel differently and understand the rage response more!

Not the point, but I’m also curious which mini golf you thought they were going to? I’d love to have a closer option than Rainbow Run or Paine Field park.

[followyourarrow]

I'd have a talk with FIL about not letting the kids leave his care unless he has permission to do so. I wouldn't have been happy that they didn't talk to you or your H about it first. The distance and long time they were gone wouldn't have thrilled me, but seems like a lack of communication and what's done is done.

[kadams767]

I agree with others that unless there is some other backstory of why your XSIL shouldn't be trusted, I don't see this as a huge deal. Honestly, I'd guess that she probably thought she was doing a nice thing for the kids and doing your FIL/BIL a favor by getting the kids out of the house while they did whatever work they had to do (you mentioned FIL brought them there because he had to do some work there).

I also don't really understand the no way to communicate issue. She's deaf, but your kids are 10 and 12, and at least one has a phone. They couldn't write something down or text your XSIL if they were struggling to communicate? What I'm also not clear on, if your FIL and BIL thought she was gone a long time or were concerned they didn't know where they all were, why didn't they text your XSIL and ask where they were or what was going on? Or your DD? I guess I just don't see the "what ifs" you are referring to. Nothing you've mentioned indicates they were in any danger or having a bad time, just that you didn't like that no one asked you or your DH. If they had asked you, would either of you said no?