Teen parent check-in

[leahcar]

I rarely see the 19 yo. She isn't in school right now, but is working full-time. She appears at strange times, but is mostly at work or with her boyfriend. I'm worried about her in that she really needs to do a little more for the future, but that's not what teen brains excel at figuring out.

My 18 yo is away at college. She broke up with her boyfriend last week and seems to be taking it better than I would have expected. She's really doing great so far. It's only week 3, but grades are good so far. She's making friends and already got a job in her college town. We had a ROUGH summer of spoiling the nest so this is a pleasant change.

My 16 yo is driving herself to school this year. She has some new shenanigan a few times a week due to that and it definitely has increased her anxiety. Junior year is just a lot so she's on my radar.

My 9 yo is more dramatic than the 3 teens put together! Thank goodness the rest of them will be in their 20s by the time she is a teen. I won't have any hair left.

[eddy]

16 has been rough. SO MUCH emotional growth this year. And figuring out boundaries. Then tightening these boundaries because he wasn't ready for that level of freedom etc. Whew it is a lot.

Let's just say I have been called by the cops twice this year. Once was silly. The second was for drinking a beer, which was less silly. And he is genuinely a good kid. Just really naive, which is how he finds himself in these situations. Like if you are going to drink a beer for the first time, allegedly, don't do it at a state run lake on a Sunday afternoon with cops everywhere.

And now he has a new girlfriend who is very lovely. We are actually having lunch with her parents on Sunday. BUT they spend so much time together and I miss him. So we are adjusting to this new normal and trying to figure out how to honor his desire to spend time with her but also like hey we like you too. We actually had a good talk about this on Monday and he didn't realize how much he was gone. Funny enough his girlfriend's parents had the SAME conversation with her the same night. Sounds like we are on the same page as the parents. Love our kids, still want them around a bit.

And now school with all the AP classes, sports, band etc. It is fun and exhausting!

[mae0111]

I have two neurodivergent teen/tween (DD1 is almost 15, DD2 is 11.5). The start of the school year has been a little rough so far. DD1 announced that she is quitting all activities... which is against school policy and the policy of their athletic league. She is required to participate in a sport for 2 out of 3 season every year in order to graduate, and they have really broadened the definition of "sport" (debate club and mathletes are both considered sports). Her plan for the year was to come home and just be on her phone until she went to bed. No ma'am. Shant. Go join some things before I cut off your phone.

DD2 is like... woah. So many emotions. So much whining. Yesterday she had 2 soccer practices (because she INSISTED on playing for THREE teams this fall), and she complained the whole time. She also wasn't really participating in the drills. We had a talk this morning - she can either continue to participate at that level and find her own way to games and practices, and this is the very last time I sign her up for anything... OR, she can start trying and working to her potential. She was... displeased at my proposal. But I'm not wasting club soccer time and money on a kid that refuses to participate in practice.

Start of the school year is always rough, but I'm hoping we find a rhythm soon.

[nicolewi]

DS (13) is doing fine. He likes to do his own thing but he is a "young 13" and a great student so no major worries. I just have to actively seek ways to connect and talk b/c he will just disappear.

DD (15) has been really up and down with anxiety and that's been so hard on all of us (really affects the 13 year old, actually, b/c he worries about her). We had some cutting stuff and she sees a therapist. She ended last year doing great but then got depressed at times over summer...I think possibly from starting BCP for acne?? But is also on Zoloft and I worry about the suicidal ideation side effects...so all of that is really tough to try to navigate. Are the meds positive? Negative? What is normal teen emotion vs not?

Really hoping she settles into this year and things smooth out a bit for her. Sometimes I want to wean her off everything and see what happens and start fresh, but it might make things worse. She wants to maintain for now. She's a great student but had a lot of anxiety about school/homework and not having free time. She dropped an AP in favor of an honors history and I think that was a good idea for her. She just got her temps but we haven't taken her driving even once yet between a last vacation and the start-of-school craziness so we need to try to fit that in sometime.

I also feel sad/frustrated that I started her going to counseling in like 3rd grade (and then on and off) for anxiety to prevent EXACTLY THIS and try to "head things off", but here we are and she's still really struggling with her body image, confidence, emotions, etc in high school.

[waverly]

DS, 13 almost 14, doing OK. Not a huge social life, but he does have friends that he texts, games with, and sits with at lunch. Doing OK in school. He has a tutor. He lies a lot and refuses to do things at school like academic lunch to catch up on assignments or teacher access days. He was suspicious with my computer, so I had to hide it. He was working on a power point, so that was why he was asking for that computer, but I don't understand why he couldn't use Google Slides on his school Chromebook. A and B student with tutoring. Always seemed to have missing assignments. 

DD, 11, started 6th grade. Emotionally all over the place. Blames me for a lot of things like why she wasn't signed up for Cross Country despite the fact that I asked her 2 times and she said no. I was trying not to force her to do things after I forced her to finish the year of Girl Scouts and band, and that backfired because I think she wished that I has signed her up and made her do it because now the deadline has passed. Make a decision DD because there are deadlines. All A student. Already went to academic lunch because she missed one assignment despite being 100% more on top of things than DS or maybe because of.

[waverly]

Question for you all, I have a Chromebook. It was always locked down because the kids had to put in my password, and they didn't know it.

Then, DH started using it and put in his google password, so now the kids realize they can just sign in with their google passwords. We had set them up with gmail and google calendar.

How can I keep them from logging into my personal computer now? Damn you, DH for showing them this. All of sudden all of these users showed up on my computer.

How do I put parental controls on Chromebooks?

[theoriginalbean]

I was telling someone how glad I was that I had such a close and open relationship with my 16yo and then just found out that he took his car out in the middle of the night. Without a license. I'm so pissed. I found out because I left the house at 4a and noticed that his sister's bike was tossed in the neighbor's rock garden. Further investigation in the light of day showed a tiny scratch on his bumper (he tried to claim it was an old scratch but it rubbed off) and blue paint marks on the bike that match his car. He finally owned up to it and I'm so sad and disappointed in the dishonesty.

[midwestmama]

DD, 13, is in her 2nd week of 8th grade and seems to be doing well. Friends are good, school seems to be fine.

DS, 15, also in the 2nd week of school, in 9th grade. HS definitely has more homework than what he was used in middle school, although in middle school there was 30 minutes of each day that is essentially a study hall - students can work on homework, or sign up for time with a teacher to get some extra help. It also doesn't help that DS has all core classes (e.g., math, science) this trimester, not even one fun elective. However, his 3rd trimester will be a cakewalk, as he only has 1 core class (English/LA) and the rest are electives. Friends are good, and he's not driving to school yet, so I have one more year without that stress.

The one hard thing is that the kids are on different campuses this year, so DH and I have been driving them separately to school (the bus comes way too early). Tomorrow and next week they will for sure have to ride together for drop-off as DH is gone tomorrow (family wedding) and I am gone next week (work trip). Crossing fingers we can get out the door on time (DS is the one who will put us behind).

[mommyatty]

nicolewi- the first BCP I took made me really depressed. Moved to a different one and it was like a huge cloud lifted. So you may just need to switch brands for your DD.

I have a 12 yo but she’s pretty sure she’s already a teen. Maybe because she’s more than a year younger than a lot of her classmates/friends. Man, she’s gotten saucy. And she’s now playing 7th/8th grade sports, so she’s around slightly older girls. It’s not helping her sauce level. But she’s an all around great kid, so I’m trying to let the saucy stage pass me by without making it an issue.

[fluffycookie]

DS is 16 and a sophomore. Last year the last term ended rough because he had no sports and so keeping his grades up was no longer a priority. Hoping he learned his lesson last year - he pulled it together for all but one class which was an elective. So far he seems happy. He is making me nervous though - he has a very good shot at being starting goalie for the hockey team this season and as a result he is putting a lot of pressure on himself because he wants the starting position. I keep telling him to dial it back because the more mental pressure he puts on himself he tends not to play well. Tomorrow is the first captains practice so I am hoping he will settle down.

[jinkies]

Sept 5, 2024 10:22:10 GMT -5 waverly said:

He lies a lot and refuses to do things at school like academic lunch to catch up on assignments or teacher access days. 

DD does too, and it's over stupid things that don't matter. Like, we will tell her that she can't go to X activity, and her response is "ok, I will have to come up with something to tell them." Why doesn't she just tell them that her parents said no (true), that she has to catch up on school work (true), that she doesn't have a ride (true). No one would care about any of those explanations! But instead she will tell them that she had to go to her grandparents (not true). We have talked to her over and over about how it's so much easier to tell the truth or something close enough that she doesn't have to remember a lie (like, you don't have to say "I don't want to hang out with you" but you can just say "I can't make it" or "My parents said no" without cooking up a whole story). We have also talked about how lying about small things makes it hard for us (or anyone) to trust her word, but the message doesn't seem to be getting through to her.

I hope she eventually gets past it.

[mysteriouswife]

waverly have you told them you don’t want them using it? How do they respond? I have no suggestions. Fortunately DD is a rule follower. Now DS is another story. I will need to come up with a pentagon style plan to keep him out of things. He is going to be my problem teen.

[mysteriouswife]

Sept 5, 2024 13:50:29 GMT -5 jinkies said:

Sept 5, 2024 10:22:10 GMT -5 waverly said:

He lies a lot and refuses to do things at school like academic lunch to catch up on assignments or teacher access days. 

DD does too, and it's over stupid things that don't matter. Like, we will tell her that she can't go to X activity, and her response is "ok, I will have to come up with something to tell them." Why doesn't she just tell them that her parents said no (true), that she has to catch up on school work (true), that she doesn't have a ride (true). No one would care about any of those explanations! But instead she will tell them that she had to go to her grandparents (not true). We have talked to her over and over about how it's so much easier to tell the truth or something close enough that she doesn't have to remember a lie (like, you don't have to say "I don't want to hang out with you" but you can just say "I can't make it" or "My parents said no" without cooking up a whole story). We have also talked about how lying about small things makes it hard for us (or anyone) to trust her word, but the message doesn't seem to be getting through to her.

I hope she eventually gets past it.

This is my niece too. She is embarrassed that she has to be held accountable for her actions. She rather make a lie to avoid it falling back on her behavior. She also doesn’t like that she isn’t as strong at school as her peers. Maybe you can get to the bottom of the reason of the lies. Then work toward fixing that.

Empathy for everyone parenting. It’s not easy.

[186momx]

DD 13 has had a lot going on medically this summer which isn't helping moods. We see an oral surgeon this afternoon about removing her wisdom teeth as they are growing in sideways and the teeth roots are trying to poke out of the side of her mouth. On top of that she has to cut wheat and dairy from her diet due to allergies and 75% of her diet was pasta.

She is counting down the Friday's left in the school year and her 1st day back was the 3rd. She has no classes with any of her friend group and said friend group is now excluding her from lunch because she is in the wrong cohort. We deal with school refusal every year at home (she is the model student at school) and I really don't know if I can deal with her asking to stay home daily all year.

[minzy]

My eighth grader is doing well. I tend not to worry about her. She spent a lot of the summer meeting up with friends and seems to have found her confidence and people with sports in particular. My husband dropped her at practice a week or two ago and sent me the clip of the bumblebee girl in the Blind Melon video where she’s searching and searching and then finds her likeminded friends and is so happy. That is actually kind of both of our kids right now which is really nice to see.

The big family issue this summer is my dad being terminally sick. I have been away from home most of the summer because of it. I was DD’s same age, 13, when my mom got really sick. The way my sister and I handled it was to try to not make things harder for my parents. Kind of similar, DD1 gets that she needs to help her dad sometimes (though I think he’d say she could probably take a little more initiative with dishes and laundry).

She isn’t loving school because she doesn’t have many close friends in her classes but so far the grades are good. She knows where she wants to go to college already and seems motivated. I mostly stay out of the academic stuff but I went to back to school night and one teacher anyway spoke highly of her.

She does call me bruh all the time but I am liking this age a lot.

[ellipses84]

I was literally thinking of making a post about this right before you did, just to commiserate and hear what challenges other parents of teens are having. Normally DS1, 13, is a rule following, very good kid who gets great grades and is active in sports. Lately his attitude with me has been something else though.

He’s an introvert and very much like me. Extroverted DH was concerned for his social life and convinced me to let him have a phone for his bday (6 months earlier than I planned to). I blame the phone for a lot of the attitude issues we are having. There’s limits and parental controls / monitoring but I suspect he’s finding ways around them. He didn’t hang out with any of his friends over the summer, barely texted them, was anti-social with us and extended family (his teen cousins acted the same or worse about their phones), and just spends a lot of time listening to music, looking at sports stats and playing video games. Anytime you try to talk to him it’s WHAT? with the headphones in. I feel like we are losing our mother-son connection. He likes hanging out with DH because they are both sports fanatics, but they have clashes about DS1’s behavior in public (oblivious or rude even if it’s unintentional). I know this is all developmentally normal.

He doesn’t want to go anywhere and his favorite thing is to be left home alone. That is where the most conflict and teenage tantrums come from. Like, claiming he felt sick and refusing to even go sit inside a restaurant with family so I had to sit in the car with him, but he refused to take or do anything that might make him feel better (and he was totally fine when we got home). I told him we might go to a pool party and he didn’t have to swim. I was on the fence about taking him but found out while he was at school that his BFF would go if he went, so I said we would be there. I picked him up early enough to have a couple hours to come home, eat and relax. Right before we go, he has a tantrum about going. DH talked to him and set expectations for behavior. We made him go, he said something rude in response to an adult as soon as we walked in, then sat at the table with the food and laid his head on the table. I was embarrassed, like could he at least act angry and mopey away from the adults and food? He ignored his BFF at first but once the kids stopped swimming he stopped moping and had a super fun time with them.

He thinks he knows everything and he wants more independence and responsibility but I’ve set out some milestones on specific goals, like if you want to do Z, you need to work up to it by doing X and Y first, and he doesn’t do it. In sports, he has days where he’s phenomenal and he has practice days where he doesn’t try at all. That embarrasses and frustrates DH, which DH acknowledges is more of a DH issue.

Normally he’s very confident, but can sometimes act shy, anxious or uncomfortable in social situations. He has acne that is getting worse and I have to nag him a lot about basic personal hygiene. He’s getting better about it. Before picture day he said he thinks he’s ugly which made me so sad, because he’s a good looking young man (seriously looking so grown up, not like an awkward middle schooler aside from acne and braces which most kids his age have).

[erbear]

Sept 4, 2024 20:41:33 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

Confessions of an Honest Toddler has been rebranded to Diary of an Honest Teenager and it's giving me life.

Example from yesterday:

Diary of an Honest Teenager:

Rule #357 When you drop me off at school, DON’T LINGER. Watching me from a distance is criminal, creepy, weird, unhinged behavior. I will call the authorities if you can’t control yourself. In the future, don’t even stop. Just slow the car down and I’ll roll out. Please go somewhere. If you call out my name or any instructions from the car again I will pursue immediate emancipation. Talking to me in front of my class? Just drop me off two blocks away from now on. The trust is BROKEN. You did this. 😡💔

Also what’s your door dash password I forgot my lunch

Accurate, and also I'm teaching my kid so you can imagine how that's going right now. 
Her: Why are you always here?
Me: it's literally my job
Her 5 minutes later: hi mom! I love you
Me: Wut?
 . 

[mysteriouswife]

@ebear that is cracking me up.

I was a TA when my cousin was 8th grade. She would randomly come by and tell me she loved. Then tell her parents how much I was killing her reputation.

[eb777888]

Well, today was picture day and we forgot, lol. He's supposed to wear his nicer uniform shirt as opposed to this athletic polo, but they have spares there to change into so it's fine. I'd have liked for him to have a haircut but there's always make-ups.

David only has five core classes but they are AP and Honors, plus he started band full time this year. It's a lot but he seems to be handling it well. He got his driver's permit last month so....that's been fun . Him driving really stresses me out so I have to do some major deep breaths beforehand, lol. It's not him, it's me.

Transitioning to school has been hard from him in the past, so last year before he started 9th grade I made sure we had therapy appointments in the books and that really helped, so we did the same thing this year. He told me last night that this year he's going to work really hard on letting things go and not letting small setbacks get him down. He has big goals and I truly want him to reach them all, but he has a hard time with perspective and realizing it's a marathon, not a sprint. He can be doing excellent in a class and get one grade he's not happy with and let it totally derail his mood and get him down, so I'm hoping he can work on this this year!

[InBetweenDays]

Sept 5, 2024 10:34:35 GMT -5 waverly said:

Question for you all, I have a Chromebook. It was always locked down because the kids had to put in my password, and they didn't know it.

Then, DH started using it and put in his google password, so now the kids realize they can just sign in with their google passwords. We had set them up with gmail and google calendar.

How can I keep them from logging into my personal computer now? Damn you, DH for showing them this. All of sudden all of these users showed up on my computer.

How do I put parental controls on Chromebooks?

If you want to allow them to use the Chromebook but limit their usage, you should be able to do that through Family Link. 
support.google.com/families/answer/7680868?hl=en

If you don't want them to have access to your Chromebook you should be able to block them from logging on. 
knowledge.workspace.google.com/kb/disable-personal-account-sign-in-on-chromebooks-000008027

[mae0111]

ellipses84, your DS sounds a lot like my DD2 (11.5). She's an introvert and very hot and cold with things. She has ADHD, and putting really tight controls on her screen time access has helped a little.

I'm getting frustrated with her level of effort with sports, so I understand your DH's POV there. We invest a ton of time and money as a family for her to play club soccer (she BEGS us to play every year), and when she puts no effort into practice, I lose my patience. I really never care about her performance, but I really praise her effort when it's there. Everyone has an off day, and all I ever ask is that she try her best. But she was literally ignoring the coach and doing your own thing during drills yesterday, and that is unacceptable to me. There's a lot of other things that I could do with the time and money that we spend on her soccer, so I expect that she will do her best.

[1confused1]

I feel like I won the kid lottery.

My 17 year old senior has always been an easy, very responsible kid. He is definitely doing the senior thing where he is spending a lot more time out of the house with friends, but his friend group is a bunch of kids I love. I still have a few one on one trips with him coming up and I cherish that time. He is working hard on getting a D1 baseball offer and I am praying one comes soon.

My 15 year old is definitely a challenge (anxiety), but I have learned what triggers her and try to avoid those and it has made our relationship so much better.

On the school front, I have no idea how they are doing. They have a new schedule this year and I do not have the brain capacity to figure it out. They seem to be doing fine getting to where they need to be on time so I’m staying out of it.

[themoneytree]

12 and 19 year old neurodivergent girls.
It gets wild with both of them in different ways. They get mad at each other for doing the exact same types of things they would do themselves.

My 12 year old is taller than me and swings from being absolutely gorgeous to absolutely awful and back again sometimes within minutes. It’s utterly exhausting.

19 year old is at college and mostly fine apart from when she isn’t and then she drives me mad.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart.

[SusanBAnthony]

14 year old did a lot of therapy this summer which has made the return to school much smoother. She has been good. No social drama, in good spirits.

The 17 year old has his headphones on 100% of the time, and his new ones are even better at noise canceling, so 10 times a day i shout for him all of the house trying to find him and get a response. Its awesome.

[dontlook]

Sept 6, 2024 7:34:26 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

14 year old did a lot of therapy this summer which has made the return to school much smoother. She has been good. No social drama, in good spirits.

The 17 year old has his headphones on 100% of the time, and his new ones are even better at noise canceling, so 10 times a day i shout for him all of the house trying to find him and get a response. Its awesome.

I’ve stopped yelling and only text. It’s….not my favorite. Our family chat is 95% “please come downstairs and eat dinner. Tech off”.

[dontlook]

Sept 5, 2024 8:40:22 GMT -5 leahcar said:

I rarely see the 19 yo. She isn't in school right now, but is working full-time. She appears at strange times, but is mostly at work or with her boyfriend. I'm worried about her in that she really needs to do a little more for the future, but that's not what teen brains excel at figuring out.

My 18 yo is away at college. She broke up with her boyfriend last week and seems to be taking it better than I would have expected. She's really doing great so far. It's only week 3, but grades are good so far. She's making friends and already got a job in her college town. We had a ROUGH summer of spoiling the nest so this is a pleasant change.

My 16 yo is driving herself to school this year. She has some new shenanigan a few times a week due to that and it definitely has increased her anxiety. Junior year is just a lot so she's on my radar.

My 9 yo is more dramatic than the 3 teens put together! Thank goodness the rest of them will be in their 20s by the time she is a teen. I won't have any hair left.

My kids are 13, 11, 5.

My favorite part of parenting this summer was guessing which kid was going to be the problem that day. It’s like they had a meeting and picked days to be foolish. It’s utterly exhausting. I’m so glad they are back in school. They have been very pleasant when they get home.

[mysteriouswife]

Sept 6, 2024 7:45:36 GMT -5 dontlook said:

Sept 6, 2024 7:34:26 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

14 year old did a lot of therapy this summer which has made the return to school much smoother. She has been good. No social drama, in good spirits.

The 17 year old has his headphones on 100% of the time, and his new ones are even better at noise canceling, so 10 times a day i shout for him all of the house trying to find him and get a response. It’s awesome.

I’ve stopped yelling and only text. It’s….not my favorite. Our family chat is 95% “please come downstairs and eat dinner. Tech off”.

Lots of FaceTime calls. DD wears her headphones to block out DS’ loud and erratic sounds. Sometimes I’m jealous she can checkout like that.

[jinkies]

DS has one of my closest friends as a teacher this year. I confidently told her he's a good student, this is one of his best classes, she will have no problem with him.

Doofus missed the very first assignment, and swears he didn't even know it was due that day. Apparently he was zoned out when she gave the due date and then... just assumed it was due today based on vibes, I guess? But it was due yesterday.

I asked him if he had checked canvas or anything for due dates and he had not.

I am begging him to not make this awkward between me and my friend. Sweet Lord.

[wanderlustmom]

Mine are 17 and 19. The 19 year old is in his second year of college and lives in a dorm 30 minutes away. I'm impressed he only comes home every few months but I miss him. He's really growing up and maturing. He's a big introvert so just has a few friends but he's happy with that. He doesn't ask for help with anything and gets really good grades at a hard college with a hard major. He has anxiety but has lowered his medicine to the lowest dose. Also works a job as a sports referee and plays intramural sports. We talk to him once a week on the phone and text about general things but after having him home all summer--it's hard when he goes back to his other life.

The 17 year old is a senior and has the up and down moods. Sometimes she'll want to hang out with me and sometimes she's rolling her eyes at us. She's got lots of friends and pretty good confidence so I always worry less about her which maybe isn't right since she has her own struggles in her own way. Her grades are good and she works really hard to maintain them. School doesn't come as easy to her as our son so I know that gives her more stress. I was the same way. Some of her friends party and she has a few times but I'm glad she's mostly hanging out with the non party friends and I know she would not drink and drive.

[waverly]

Sept 5, 2024 17:02:55 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

Sept 5, 2024 10:34:35 GMT -5 waverly said:

Question for you all, I have a Chromebook. It was always locked down because the kids had to put in my password, and they didn't know it.

Then, DH started using it and put in his google password, so now the kids realize they can just sign in with their google passwords. We had set them up with gmail and google calendar.

How can I keep them from logging into my personal computer now? Damn you, DH for showing them this. All of sudden all of these users showed up on my computer.

How do I put parental controls on Chromebooks?

If you want to allow them to use the Chromebook but limit their usage, you should be able to do that through Family Link. 
support.google.com/families/answer/7680868?hl=en

If you don't want them to have access to your Chromebook you should be able to block them from logging on. 
knowledge.workspace.google.com/kb/disable-personal-account-sign-in-on-chromebooks-000008027

I'm leaning towards not logging in at all, and putting child restrictions on my log in.  They have their school chromebooks, so they don't really need mine, only to print some things.  

I'm thinking the reason I didn't see anything suspicious is that he was browsing incognito. Ugh.  

So anyway, both links are helpful.