Aging parent and caregiver check-in Sept/Oct

[spindle92]

Covergirl82, I am sorry to hear this news.

Like Wallflower said, this makes things "easier" in terms of knowing what direction to go but doesn't make it any easier on the heart.

[spindle92]

I go back to work on Monday after being out for 12 weeks with my mom and I am starting to get anxious about it.

Don't get me started on my sisters. They are both fully capable with helping out my dad in caring for my mom during the day (one doesn't work and the other only works part time) but they both refuse to step up.

[Covergirl82]

I'm sorry, spindle92. That is stressful to be off of work (and now having to go back) and managing your parents' needs basically on your own. It is certainly frustrating to have siblings who are capable of helping and available to help, but do not feel compelled to help.

[janegold]

I feel so bad for MIL. She is so bitter and angry about everything lately. As mentioned earlier in this thread, she has been experiencing what I would describe as moderate cognitive decline, and it seems to be getting worse in the recent months since FIL died. H and I decided we aren't comfortable with her having any position of responsibility watching our young kids - and as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was put in the uncomfortable position of having to ask her not to drive somewhere with our son.

She is so MAD about it, still. Specifically, mad at me even though H told her it was his decision too. Now she refuses to see us at all. She won't come over because she insists that I have made her feel unwelcome in our house. She responds to everything H tells her with bitterness. Oh, DS walked by himself to school for the first time yesterday? Funny, since you would never let ME walk him to school. (She's never once asked to walk him to school.)

I'm just sad for her. H is an only child, FIL is gone now, and she is estranged from most of her other family. And now she's pushing us away too. She has very little left in her life. When her TV died yesterday, she told H "What do I even have to live for now?" H left a message for the grief counselor that works with FIL's hospice agency yesterday; I think some therapy might be good for her although I wonder if we should also be trying to get her into a geriatric psych practice.

[spindle92]

Oct 25, 2024 8:22:23 GMT -5 Covergirl82 said:

I'm sorry, spindle92 . That is stressful to be off of work (and now having to go back) and managing your parents' needs basically on your own. It is certainly frustrating to have siblings who are capable of helping and available to help, but do not feel compelled to help.

the most frustarting part is that my younger sister and her husband LIVE with my parents and help in no way shape or form.

[vasc]

Hugs all around to everyone making tough decisions and processing hard news.

Aunt has been in her assisted living for over two months now and is three weeks post-dog euthanization. I think she’s thriving. All anxiety over the dog’s happiness and well-being has disappeared. Medications seem to be right and are being given at the correct times. A new resident moved in so Aunt is no longer the newest gal on the floor. On Tuesday a mobile petting zoo came and she got to visit with those animals. LOVED IT. Tonight was TOTing party where resident and employee kids/families came — it was epic. Aunt got to pass out candy to kids and had the best time.

[livinitup]

Oct 25, 2024 11:38:31 GMT -5 spindle92 said:

Oct 25, 2024 8:22:23 GMT -5 Covergirl82 said:

I'm sorry, spindle92 . That is stressful to be off of work (and now having to go back) and managing your parents' needs basically on your own. It is certainly frustrating to have siblings who are capable of helping and available to help, but do not feel compelled to help.

the most frustarting part is that my younger sister and her husband LIVE with my parents and help in no way shape or form.

Whoa. How does that even work? Do they have separate living and eating space? Like an in-law suite? I figure I can relate with my dad when my grandmother (his mother) declined. My mom was very hands-on and my dad … wasn’t.

[spindle92]

Oct 25, 2024 22:11:17 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Oct 25, 2024 11:38:31 GMT -5 spindle92 said:

the most frustarting part is that my younger sister and her husband LIVE with my parents and help in no way shape or form.

Whoa. How does that even work? Do they have separate living and eating space? Like an in-law suite? I figure I can relate with my dad when my grandmother (his mother) declined. My mom was very hands-on and my dad … wasn’t.

They live in the basement and have to come upstairs to the main floor to use the kitchen and enter and exit the house. They are just selfish fucks.

Like here is a wonderful example from this weekend.

I started a shopping list last week of stuff aroud the house that is running low: things like paper towels, dishwasher tablets, coffe pods...... It is on a piece of paper on the kitchen counter, right next to the back door.  The door these two bafoons use 65 times a day.  I came down with covid on friday and am sicker than a dog, so I have not been able to go shopping.  This two come home yesterday afternoon with bags full of groceries and I assume they took care of the list.

Nope.  

Did I mention they do not pay rent?


  

 

[litskispeciality]

((( Covergirl82,)))

janegold it sounds like a good idea to try to get in with a geriatric psych place, especially if there's a long waitlist for a consult. I've said many times my dad's geri psych is awful so I hope our results were one-offs. We had to have 2 docs (PCP and Neuro) send in referrals for a consult, wait over 2 months and then go in to have them fight us if my dad even needed testing. They eventually agreed, but start to finish it was probably 6+ months before they finally ordered a PET scan of my dad's brain. Hopefully if you can get on the list now you can get results before you really need them. Also you or your DH should be able to call the PCP and any other docs and share concerns even if they can't respond due to privacy laws. If you have access to the portal (I didn't so it was all calls and going to visits) you should be able to send a note to the doc as well. Either way I'm so sorry. I hope you're able to get some kind of support and outlet for yourself. It sounds like you're going above and beyond while trying to keep everyone safe.

spindle92, first of all good luck going back. I hope your mom is healing as much as she can. I'm so pissed not only for your most recent update (your health), but that those people take up space in the house. One of my BIL's and his wife do the same thing. I think the dad/FIL at least makes them pay rent, but basically the wife just wants the house when the parents pass. I wish you were closer to me to give you a huge hug.

My brother found a company called "Visiting Angels" that we used for a while. They were expensive, but it helped knowing my dad had someone in the house 2 days a week for a while. The aid helped my dad shower, made him (homemade dinner). I think that company is nationwide, although unfortunately wasn't covered by insurance so it was OOP.

[spindle92]

litskispeciality, The MOST frustrating part about all of this is they lived out west and moved back here 3 years ago, when my one brother passed away because they knew I was spiraling and needed help.
They made this huge proclamation about how family is so important and we need to be there for each other....blah, blah, blah.

They do nothing for the family UNLESS it benefits them in some way, shape or form.

[stemmie]

janegold, it's pretty common for people who've had a cognitive decline to deteriorate significantly on the death of a spouse who likely scaffolded and supported her in ways no one would notice. Without that, she sounds adrift and agitated.

I think getting her in with a geriatric psych makes a lot of sense. She might not be able to benefit from traditional talk therapy, but meds can dial back big emotions she can't manage. Getting in with one can take some time, so sooner on the wait list is better.

Mom was discharged home with "home health" over my objections on the 23rd. They cut me out of the discharge plan and believed mom when she said she had all the equipment needed to transition home. This was not strictly true. She had no walker, no shower chair, a bi-pap giving an error code, an ancient in-home concentrator and a couple of canisters of O2 with filthy ancient tubing. The canister with the regulator on it was almost empty and I didn't know how to swap tanks. This was unconscionable. I was able to get her pulmo to order me the gear we needed except the rollator and shower chair which she has to pay out-of-pocket for. She was well and truly fucked over.

I spent the next 8 days with her 24/7 as caregiver while DH and DS held down the fort. Our heater broken, DS's phone and car both broke down and I missed lunch with a friend who lives on the other side of the country.

I stopped by this morning. She's rebounded. Despite her COPD and CHF, she's holding at 93% on room air already.