@Surgeon General: Parents Are at Their Wits’ End. We Can Do

[CurlyQ284]

I often feel like my job has not grown very much. I have a best friend with a fancy job and a big title and I'm just treading water at my current job. But! I work from home, and my boss is very flexible and a big family guy so if my son is sick, or has a random day off from school it's not a big deal at all. He's almost 12 so as long has he has his gaming and hot Cheetos he's happy. I'm able to get dinner on the table every day, and it's busy. I feel like I'm barely hanging on for dear life, if something unexpected pops up during the day I don't really have time for it.

And he's in zero extracurriculars. He is not a sporty guy, many behavioral issues when he was younger so I quit making him do sports just to have him literally sit down in the middle of a game and refuse to participate. I figure if he asks to do something I'll make it happen but so far he hasn't. I get really self conscious about that too by try to shut up the inner voice in my head. I don't know HOW people fit in multiple after school activities on top of all this.

[nothingcontroversial]

Oct 9, 2024 22:21:29 GMT -5 elleblue said:

Oct 9, 2024 21:37:50 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

There was yet another thread on ML where people once again forcefully asserted that they don't answer their door if someone knocks. How do people think they're going to find a community if they can't do the bare bones to participate in said community?

I totally thought of this board when I did not answer the door when the random woman carrying a foil covered paper plate rang my doorbell this evening. In my defense, I do know my nearby neighbors and she is not one of them. I have no idea why a stranger would be bringing me (presumably) homemade baked goods but of course now I'm curious because she didn't leave a note or anything. My H seems to think she might have been stopping by for the previous homeowners, but we moved here in August of 2022 so if she's friends they're clearly not very close. 😆

When I was a kid, my parents bought our house from an elderly widower who was planning on going into a nursing home. He sold us the house, and then he passed away about a month later.

About four or five years later, a random guy showed up at our house, looking for his uncle. It turned out that this was a nephew of the previous homeowner, who apparently lived out of the area. The guy had returned to the area for a visit or something, and he "just dropped by" to say hello to his uncle. My dad had to break it to this guy that his uncle had passed away several years earlier. 

At least, we've always assumed that this guy was telling the truth, and he was looking for his uncle to "say hello." It could have been something more nefarious. 

[wanderingback]

I also think people need to be realistic with others about what it is like raising kids and stop putting societal pressure on people to have kids.

Even if a capitalistic society didn’t force me to work to survive, I am 100% not cut out to stay at home and would never choose that. Even with a village and some flexibility childcare has definitely been the most difficult thing about having a child. Although our schedules are somewhat flexible we often have conflicts. I did a meeting at 7pm for a project I’m working on, my partner is working out of town and so I just made it work with my toddler being on camera with me and playing with her toys.

But really it’s just the daily grind of taking care of another human that is the biggest change and exhausting at times. Sometimes you just want to lay in bed at 2pm on the weekend pretending like you have no responsibilities lol and I have a partner that does over 50% of the parenting and mental load (and a toddler who sleeps till 8am). It’s still exhausting at times and why I 100% will have an abortion if I ever get pregnant again.

[breezy8407]

I'm nodding along at a lot of this and sorry so many are struggling.

I always tell H we can only do so much, so something has to give. Things that I don't do because there's no time: quality time with H, getting ahead at my job/climbing the ladder, seeing friends, and house projects.

I think about my friends a lot and just hope that the reason we never see each other is because we are all in the same stage of life with tweens and teens. Its a constant cycle of text of "How are you doing? Would love to see you. Lets schedule something soon."

My current phase is always in the car. Driving kids to practices and games each weeknight and weekends. There's always laundry and dinner is a loose term at our house. I know it won't be long and this phase will be over, so I am embracing it. As crazy as it is, I am confident my kids are learning valuable lessons by being in their activities. Yes, I do think club and travel sports have gotten out of hand, but who and what will stop it?

I'm pretty sure I could be making more and level up if I left my current job. However, we are only surviving because of its flexibility and proximity to home. I am truly thankful that these are are biggest stressors but man, its a grind.

[simpsongal]

+1 it's insane (2 FT working lawyers w/kids in intensive activities). Frankly, I think I'm pretty awesome at juggling and doing things - have been my whole life. But lately, DH and I have brain fog and exhaustion from managing it all. I literally poured coffee grounds on my breakfast the other day instead of into my mug. It doesn't help that DH and I are both managers at our jobs. I'm task master for 7 people, plus 2 kids, and almost everything in my household (where I work from home which is a blessing and a curse b/c I get more time to be here, which means more time to plan, clean, organize, etc.).

If society doesn't make it easier for parents, people will keep opting out. Families will continue to feel enormous stress and pressure. FWIW, I think it's great people finally feel ok saying they do or do not want kids.

[candreco]

Man, I feel this. DH travels 2/3-3/4 of the year for work, which had been my main reason for not going for the promotion I did accept earlier this year.It has been so hard juggling increasing demands and less flexibility at work with being the only adult at home to manage kids, house, dog, and just life in general, and my kids are older- 6th and 10th grade, without a ton of activities. I am counting down the days until DD gets her license so we have another driver, but also struggle to find time to get her the driving hours she needs.

Basically I am people or project managing SOMETHING 24/7, and always feel like I'm dropping a ball somewhere.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I've been at my wit's end the last 11y lol 

Single solo parenthood is not for the faint of heart. 

[erbear]

Oct 9, 2024 21:08:55 GMT -5 sent said:

Oct 9, 2024 19:36:51 GMT -5 abs said:

Me, too. I mean 8th grade but still. So much more reward but the stakes are a million times higher with zero grace given by anyone. I’m tired.

Can you give an example of "zero grace given by anyone"? My older one is in 6th so I'm just trying to understand. 

For me, it's been very little understanding of schedule, of learning differences, of mistakes, of...anything, once she hit high school. There is suddenly an our way or the highway mentality that didn't exist in middle school (same school...) and all at once, the attitude from the school is that kids need to do it all themselves, no communication with parents, no attempt to help a kid even when they are really struggling because "they're old enough to figure it out themselves". Except, they're not. Because they're children and sometimes need support. It's super frustrating, particularly with a child with documented and diagnosed learning disabilities.

[erbear]

Oct 9, 2024 21:31:24 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Unfortunately, I think our society is very individualistic in general and I don’t know how we as a society overcome that now that it is more essential than ever to have community support to survive and thrive.

Even on these boards people have mentioned "I don’t even want to know my neighbors" and similar thoughts that go against building a community.

Leaning on community has been critical in this phase of my life (recently a friend/neighbor with a kid watched our daughter for a bit until our babysitter could arrive and in the next week my cousin who has no kids is going to watch our daughter for a few hours). I have no shame or guilt to ask for help when we needed.

This all day. The only reason I have managed to get to this point is that I have a community. I have friends ho I have dropped my kids with on a second's notice. Friends who drive them to sports or home from school. Friends who bring us food when my FIL died and when my kid had surgery. I don't know how anyone makes it through without a village and I'm sorry for those of you who don't have these folks around. It must be impossible.

[scm1011]

Oct 10, 2024 11:07:20 GMT -5 erbear said:

Oct 9, 2024 21:31:24 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Unfortunately, I think our society is very individualistic in general and I don’t know how we as a society overcome that now that it is more essential than ever to have community support to survive and thrive.

Even on these boards people have mentioned "I don’t even want to know my neighbors" and similar thoughts that go against building a community.

Leaning on community has been critical in this phase of my life (recently a friend/neighbor with a kid watched our daughter for a bit until our babysitter could arrive and in the next week my cousin who has no kids is going to watch our daughter for a few hours). I have no shame or guilt to ask for help when we needed.

This all day. The only reason I have managed to get to this point is that I have a community. I have friends ho I have dropped my kids with on a second's notice. Friends who drive them to sports or home from school. Friends who bring us food when my FIL died and when my kid had surgery. I don't know how anyone makes it through without a village and I'm sorry for those of you who don't have these folks around. It must be impossible.

Agreed and same. I don't super relate to this article and that's probably because I do have a village. Not family, but I have so many other parents I can (and have!) texted to pick up my kid if say my train is running late and I won't make it to pick up on time, or need help getting someone to an activity. My neighbors know my kids and will step in and help if someone has a scooter wipe out in front of their house. We've built a really great community of parents and neighbors and life would be hard without them. I think living in a dense urban environment helps.

I still don't open my door if I don't know who it is though lol.

[Velar Fricative]

I have a community too but…they’re just as stretched thin as we are lol. So it ends up being a wash anyway.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 10, 2024 11:28:45 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Oct 10, 2024 11:07:20 GMT -5 erbear said:

This all day. The only reason I have managed to get to this point is that I have a community. I have friends ho I have dropped my kids with on a second's notice. Friends who drive them to sports or home from school. Friends who bring us food when my FIL died and when my kid had surgery. I don't know how anyone makes it through without a village and I'm sorry for those of you who don't have these folks around. It must be impossible.

Agreed and same. I don't super relate to this article and that's probably because I do have a village. Not family, but I have so many other parents I can (and have!) texted to pick up my kid if say my train is running late and I won't make it to pick up on time, or need help getting someone to an activity. My neighbors know my kids and will step in and help if someone has a scooter wipe out in front of their house. We've built a really great community of parents and neighbors and life would be hard without them. I think living in a dense urban environment helps.

I still don't open my door if I don't know who it is though lol.

I had this kind of village too until the pandemic wiped it out and my daughter's behavioral/mental health issues made it difficult to rebuild that village. 

[wanderingback]

Oct 10, 2024 11:36:55 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

I have a community too but…they’re just as stretched thin as we are lol. So it ends up being a wash anyway.

For me it’s helpful to have a diverse community. So some people are in their 20s, some in their 60s and everything in between. Some have kids, some are married, some are single, some have no kids, etc. Some in my community are there to go out for the night, some are there to discuss parenting challenges, some are there to help with watching our daughter as needed, etc. It’s def not easy but I do find it helpful to have a solid core of people who are in a variety of life phases to make everything more sustainable.

[ny96]

Oct 10, 2024 12:17:16 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Oct 10, 2024 11:36:55 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

I have a community too but…they’re just as stretched thin as we are lol. So it ends up being a wash anyway.

For me it’s helpful to have a diverse community. So some people are in their 20s, some in their 60s and everything in between. Some have kids, some are married, some are single, some have no kids, etc. Some in my community are there to go out for the night, some are there to discuss parenting challenges, some are there to help with watching our daughter as needed, etc. It’s def not easy but I do find it helpful to have a solid core of people who are in a variety of life phases to make everything more sustainable.

This is key, not saying that I have it though. My community is other parents who have all the same struggles that we do, and so in an emergency I can lean on them, but I don’t want to impose day to day.

[Saudade]

Oct 9, 2024 21:08:55 GMT -5 sent said:

Oct 9, 2024 19:36:51 GMT -5 abs said:

Me, too. I mean 8th grade but still. So much more reward but the stakes are a million times higher with zero grace given by anyone. I’m tired.

Can you give an example of "zero grace given by anyone"? My older one is in 6th so I'm just trying to understand. 

My biggest example is with work

I have “admin time” every day. We get a set amount per week and it’s broken up each day. I had 30 min at lunch and 15 at the end of the day. This is supposed to be time to catch up on charts, inboxes, etc. let’s be honest 15 min at the end of the day isn’t enough and regardless my last patient would usually blow past it. I have an hour commute so if a patient took longer I’d be either cutting it close to pick up time or late. I would never know from day to day. I asked my office manager if I could move 15 min from lunch to the end of the day so I’d have 30 min and my last pt would be scheduled at 4pm.

God this was a nightmare. First it was “well policy is that you’re not allowed to drive during admin time” then it was “other providers may get angry”

I tried to give up my admin time altogether so I could have the time be for driving. No go. I was told I “could cut my hours back” if I wanted. No. I am a single mom. I need all the money I can get.

I was so upset, angry, hurt, resentful. Ultimately my office manager agreed to move the 15 min to the end of the day but she told me I needed to not tell anyone, park where people couldn’t see, and sneak out quietly. I don’t do any of that. It hasn’t been an issue

If it had been, I would have escalated because I know the higher ups would ultimately have supported me

It shouldn’t be that hard.

[pinkpeony08]

Oct 10, 2024 12:29:00 GMT -5 Saudade said:

Oct 9, 2024 21:08:55 GMT -5 sent said:

Can you give an example of "zero grace given by anyone"? My older one is in 6th so I'm just trying to understand. 

My biggest example is with work

I have “admin time” every day. We get a set amount per week and it’s broken up each day. I had 30 min at lunch and 15 at the end of the day. This is supposed to be time to catch up on charts, inboxes, etc. let’s be honest 15 min at the end of the day isn’t enough and regardless my last patient would usually blow past it. I have an hour commute so if a patient took longer I’d be either cutting it close to pick up time or late. I would never know from day to day. I asked my office manager if I could move 15 min from lunch to the end of the day so I’d have 30 min and my last pt would be scheduled at 4pm.

God this was a nightmare. First it was “well policy is that you’re not allowed to drive during admin time” then it was “other providers may get angry”

I tried to give up my admin time altogether so I could have the time be for driving. No go. I was told I “could cut my hours back” if I wanted. No. I am a single mom. I need all the money I can get.

I was so upset, angry, hurt, resentful. Ultimately my office manager agreed to move the 15 min to the end of the day but she told me I needed to not tell anyone, park where people couldn’t see, and sneak out quietly. I don’t do any of that. It hasn’t been an issue

If it had been, I would have escalated because I know the higher ups would ultimately have supported me

It shouldn’t be that hard.

Ugh this is all too familiar.  I also work in a population where crises that need same day follow up/add on are expected.  I was able to put an urgent add on slot at 3:30 and then have a 4:00 virtual visit only slot.  it's definitely helped- the 3:30 slot doesn't get filled every day so on days it doesn't it gives me a little cushion to not push super late.

It basically feels like I don't have control of my schedule.  Currently I am still waiting at the 48 hour mark for permission to block one hour of clinic to participate in an interview for a role that I interact with on a daily basis.  

[waverly]

I have an extremely family friendly job much like hermione .

However, it did mean that I couldn't change positions because my current position does not require weekly evenings. My husband used to travel for work, so if I did need to work an odd evening, I would have to take 4 hours PTO, pick kids up from daycare, have the babysitter come to my house, then leave for work and then relieve the babysitter at 9:30pm. There is no second shift childcare, so that was the only way to do it. Yes, I could keep the kids home from daycare, but I am paying anyway, and everything else remained the same with the babysitter. So then I was paying double childcare and taking PTO just to work an evening shift of 5-9 pm. The babysitter was a high schooler, so she could only come at 3 or 4 pm. Other positions required 1 night per week, so they just weren't possible.