Dealing with MAGA family members

[cuadrado]

If you have MAGA family members in your immediate family, how are you dealing with this?

I knew my mom and her husband voted for Trump in the 2016 election, but I did not realize they were full blown MAGA and into conspiracy theories until this past year. I also did not realize how much internalized misogyny my mom had until Kamala Harris was the nominee, and it has made me lose a lot of respect for her. 

I'm struggling with how to move forward being around them now that we have to deal with Trump for 4 more years. My mom is already talking about how things are starting to "turn around" now that he has been elected, and she is always incredibly misinformed whenever we talk about specific issues or policies.

We were supposed to host Christmas dinner this year and I'm thinking about cancelling the whole thing bc I can't imagine having them in my home right now.

On the one hand, I want to completely separate myself from them and stop speaking to her because it makes me so upset and disappointed. But then I think about how important it is for these types of people to consistently hear a more rational view point? 

I dunno. I'm really struggling.

[chilerellanos]

@@@@@

I don’t.

If you are going to actively repress mine, and my children’s rights (three daughters, one is lesbian and one is trans) then I’m not going to have a relationship with you.

And I, or my kids, are not here to teach you or show you anything.

[mrsukyankee]

I don't think they will hear any message other than from the sources they respect (which are awful). So, I don't think anyone has to put themselves in the line of fire just to share their own views (I'm assuming those views were already shared). At the most, as the people discover that life is not going to be all roses and bitch to you (if you still allow them to do so), then asking what they think about it and how they think it came about, might be the best that you can do. But for now, I wouldn't even contemplate being around someone who voted for Trump and are fully MAGA.

[fernweh]

One of my brothers is Maga. I try not to deal with him and when we must be together we tiptoe around each other and don’t talk politics. It helps that he is the only Trumper in the family so he gets shut down quick if he opens his mouth.

Honestly the only reason I think I haven’t completely cut of communication is because of my nephew. I have a close relationship with him and I hope I can be a positive enough influence in his life that he doesn’t turn out the same way.

[tiki]

We are mostly able to interact without talking about politics, and fortunately they don't have MAGA hats or go to rallies or anything like that. It's not a great solution, but the alternative is cutting all contact with every human I'm biologically related to, and I'm not ready for that.

[bcv513]

I have an uncle by marriage who is total MAGA. I made a donation in his name to Planned Parenthood and made sure to include his name and address. It's petty but it helped. I've seen him maybe twice in five years and both times I was able to avoid him.

[Patsy Baloney]

I’m of 2 minds:

1. I love a fight and I’m happy to do it. Let’s roll out the sources and have a grand ol’ time. Hope you brought your throat coat, it’s going to be a long night.

2. I would not do it if it hurt my immediate household or myself to do so. It’s not a trans person’s job, or a Black person’s job, etc., to “teach” or “be an example” or however fighting the fight against MAGA family may be viewed.

I regularly argue with my MIL about her Boomer Facebook political meme shares being her total personality. My brother and I enjoy a tag team approach to our other familial lost sheep.

I don’t know if it moves the needle, but it does not damage me to fight and so I do. If I was cutting off contact or canceling things, I’d let them know why, for sure.

[wanderingback]

Nov 12, 2024 13:03:40 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I have an uncle by marriage who is total MAGA. I made a donation in his name to Planned Parenthood and made sure to include his name and address. It's petty but it helped. I've seen him maybe twice in five years and both times I was able to avoid him.

I’m sure it’ll be fine but if you donate to any smaller orgs please don’t do this. Safety of orgs needs to be kept in mind. See my list of orgs better than planned parenthood to donate to

[rachers]

I struggle with this. My parents (Dad and SM) (if they even bothered to vote) aren't what I would call MAGA but they definitely voted for Trump if they did. They absolutely know where me and DH stand. It's been pretty saddening that my SM who basically likes anything I post on social media was verrrrry silent on some things this last week. We're going down to visit for Thanksgiving and I'm basically using that as a barometer on how they act, what they say. Especially in front of my DD. I don't plan on bringing anything political up but I'm also not going to be quiet if it does.

Both mine and DH's family is pretty split between R and D, even within marriages, so it's not been fun to say the least. It's not as cut and dry as it would usually be for me.

[sonrisa]

Let me give you a move out of the "people with trans loved ones" playbook:

Don't.

Let them know their behavior and beliefs are damaging and cause harm to your family. If they wish to continue a relationship with your family, they must change how they act around you.

And thank you, wanderingback , for emphasizing that again.

At risk people and groups don't need attention from those seeking to destroy them. They also don't need to waste their time and resources following up with unreceptive "donors" even if they aren't toxic or hostile.

[shauni27]

I feel so fortunate not to have to deal with this. My family in its entirety hates Trump. My in laws may not hate him, but they did not vote for him. The non-immediate family on my husband's side might support Trump but I am not sure, and they are certainly not MAGA and like outwardly supporting him except for one cousin who we already have some issues with.

I cannot imagine the stress it would cause me to have to possibly cut ties or change our interactions, etc, with family over this. I truly feel for all of you that do.

[sonrisa]

Nov 12, 2024 12:40:57 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

I, or my kids, are not here to teach you or show you anything.

@@@

This is why we've moved away from organizations that are "supportive" but not actively affirming. My kid isn't your "life lesson." 

[noodleoo]

I would cancel the Xmas dinner and tell them exactly why. You shouldn't walk on eggshells or host them while having to listen to them spout lies if you don't want to.

My parents voted for Trump in 2016 and I got into a huge fight with my dad about it when I visited after the election. We had another fight on another visit about DeSantis and LBGT rights. I'm sad, they've always been Republicans but he's gotten a lot worse since they moved to FL. I have a rule now that we are not allowed to talk about politics. In 2020, I convinced my mom to vote for Biden. I couldn't bring myself to even ask who she was voting for this year. I'm hopeful she voted for Kamala (she's liberal when it comes to abortion and women's rights), but I'm too afraid to find out my dad convinced her to vote for Trump.

[lust2hart]

My mom is MAGA. I don't know if my dad is MAGA or just Republican. Unlike a PP, I am not a fighter so I deal with the situation by never talking politics and ignoring whatever bizarre comment my mom throws out in the middle of a conversation. I have never been close to my parents, and being a 4-hour drive away has helped facilitate that; but even so, I have significantly pulled back from the relationship in the past 4 years. I see them about 3 times a year and talk to my mom on the phone once every 2-3 months. I feel for people who have had close and loving relationships in the past and are struggling to reconcile the family members they thought they knew with the people their family are showing themselves to be. In my case, this is a completely unsurprising extension of who my mom has always been. I have often thought about cutting off the relationship entirely, but I just haven't been able to pull the trigger. Maybe once my dad is gone.

[lilac05]

I don’t have an MAGA close family. My parents hate Trump, but I’m pretty sure they voted for him anyway. They think that’s what is expected of them due to their religion because…”pro-life.” (I will never stop fighting them on this.)

My preference is to have them at my house. I feel like I have more control there and can more easily shut down anything that I don’t want to hear. (And feel more confident speaking my mind in my own home.)

[lust2hart]

Nov 12, 2024 12:38:02 GMT -5 cuadrado said:

On the one hand, I want to completely separate myself from them and stop speaking to her because it makes me so upset and disappointed. But then I think about how important it is for these types of people to consistently hear a more rational view point? 

From the rest of your OP, it sounds like you are able to have discussions with your mom. I can't say for sure what I would do in a similar situation, but I'd like to think that I would hang on to the relationship and keep talking. In my situation, which I just posted about a few minutes ago, my mom literally does not know how to handle someone disagreeing with her, about anything - much less something as charged as politics. She is immediately defensive and mean, and I don't want to deal with that. It's a lot like the monster thread in here about what path should Dems take - there are people who can be approached and talked to, and there are people who you shouldn't spend your energy on. I think you'll need to decide which group your mom falls into. 

[Jalapeñomel]

My father is a ride or die Republican, doesn't matter the candidate, and I suspect my mother voted for Trump this time around because of immigration.

I haven't answered their phone calls or called them, as I am not sure how to deal with them at this time.

[neverfstop]

Nov 12, 2024 12:38:02 GMT -5 cuadrado said:

I dunno. I'm really struggling.

I just want to say I'm sorry & I'm right there with you. I've been avoiding family mostly this week, but can't do that forever. I'm trying to figure out how I can 'be nice' without being angry and yelling, because I don't think that's the answer.  I know that curiosity is a good route- just keep asking people to explain their assholery & illogical fucked up shit. Until I can remain in a calm place and the rage has subsided, any shaming or blaming that I do towards Trump voters will be useless.  I'm so deeply disappointed and saddened by what my parents have become, and I don't know how to express that to them without sounding woke or elite or preachy. 

[Bernadine]

My entire family is MAGA, as are my ILs. I have a zero tolerance policy for hate speech, I will not listen to it or allow my child to.

[AJL]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. 

Clearly communicate that you will not listen to any commentary about Trump and will end interactions immediately if they occur. If you host Christmas at your home, clearly outline what you will and will not tolerate while they are visiting.

Be prepared for your parents to be angry about the boundaries and push back. I don't know if you have a partner/spouse, but make sure they are on board with you and can help support you. 

It's OK to go low- or no-contact for your mental health and well being. It is also OK to not take on the burden of being the rational view point. You do not owe anyone the benefit of your work. This is their lesson to learn; not yours to teach. 

[duff]

My immediate family is very, very anti-Trump/MAGA/all of it. My aunt, it turns out, is a secret Trumper and we'll be avoiding her annual Christmas party this year.

@@

My ILs are hardcore MAGATs. My MIL moved away from where we live about 6 years ago because I called her out on the horribly racist, anti-Mexican things she was posting on social media and MH told her she wouldn't be around my (partially Mexican) DD if that's what she believed. So she left New Mexico and moved to North Dakota with FIL (her ex) and BIL. She's been out here 3 times since she moved, the last time a month ago. She left 2 days into her 6 day trip because MH and my non-Trumpy BIL called her out for some horrific comments she made about my disabled DD. I'm not sure exactly what was said after I stormed off and told MH to educate his mother, but he's talked to her once since then and it was all about how I misunderstood what she said.

So, in short, my ILs (or MIL at least) isn't just ok with supporting someone like Trump, she actively believes it and preaches it while playing the victim. She's not allowed anywhere near my house or my kids and it's up to MH if he wants to have any kind of long distance relationship with her/them.

[bcv513]

Nov 12, 2024 13:09:37 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Nov 12, 2024 13:03:40 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I have an uncle by marriage who is total MAGA. I made a donation in his name to Planned Parenthood and made sure to include his name and address. It's petty but it helped. I've seen him maybe twice in five years and both times I was able to avoid him.

I’m sure it’ll be fine but if you donate to any smaller orgs please don’t do this. Safety of orgs needs to be kept in mind. See my list of orgs better than planned parenthood to donate to

That's exactly why I picked PP and not one of the smaller groups on your list. I figured they were a big enough group to be okay. When I donated myself, I used your list. 

[Susie]

I'm really conflict averse, so while I would love to take Patsy Baloney 's approach, it would come at a huge cost to me in stress every time, and idk if I'm up for it yet.  Especially with MAGA men, and my FIL is one of the most vocal in my life.  I'm still wrestling with it, but for now have mostly taken the approach of shutting down all political discussions and leaving the table if he won't let the subject drop.  H helps in the effort to shut it down.

[cuadrado]

duff, that's awful, I'm sorry you have had to deal with that.

[eb777888]

It has completely torn my and H's families apart from the beginning. I've tried the "not talk politics" but I very quickly learned that MAGA types, especially MAGA men, cannot NOT bring it up for any social interaction. And I will tell them to fuck off. It really depresses me when I think about it. When I read some of you have families very anti-Trump, I am so incredibly envious of that. At this point, the only super anti-Trump person in my family is my mom and we aren't close. So...byeeeeeee to 99% of my family!!!!

[stuffandthings]

@@@@@@@

I am extremely fortunate in that I don't have MAGA family members. Probably the one single thing that unites my parents, grandparents, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins is our shared loathing of Trump. We are solidly middle-class and poor, urban and rural, west coast and east coast and midwest, with GEDs through PhDs, and we all despise that man.

But I have MAGAs-in-law. My husband's youngest sister and her husband voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020, and while they're smart enough to lie and say they didn't vote for him this year, I can't guarantee that they didn't. His aunt and uncle are former Cruz primary voters (lol) who agree with the MAGA message if not the messenger. His grandmother on his bio dad's side and many of his cousins are Trump people. I bet his bio parents are probably secret Trumpers but we are no-contact with them (like, restraining-order-level no contact) so I don't know for sure.

Luckily, we live a nine-hour drive away from those people. We have made it clear what our boundaries are. We see the sister and aunt/uncle a maximum of once per year (and not usually during the holidays) and we are clear that if they so much as breathe a word that makes my kid uncomfortable they are cut off forever. Most of them are blocked on our social media and not allowed to speak to or interact with our child without us being present. We have a zero-tolerance policy and so far it has worked well.

[emilyj]

We have no issues with my parents. Some issues we don't always agree on, but my mom will have a rational discussion and my dad...he'll back down if we call him on his bullshit. They both despise Trump and most of the GOP right now.

My IL's, I'm sure a couple members of the extended family are MAGAt's but we don't interact with them in general. We don't really see my FIL much. He's a "republican no matter what" so I know he voted for Trump this time. My MIL is who we see the most...the last couple of years when she starts going off on some Faux News talking point or down her "We all need Jesus" path, we push right back against it. She'll either move the goalpost and try and reargue so she is 'right' (which never works out for her), completely change the subject, or get bent and play the long suffering martyr and make everyone around her miserable.

She's coming for Thanksgiving this year. I'm not standing for one damn comment about Jesus, Trump, the GOP or any of the shitty talking points she likes to spout. If she wants to get bent and pissed, she's welcome to, but I'm not sticking around for it. I've got family on standby in this area that I'll go to until she leaves.

[cuadrado]

Nov 12, 2024 14:38:21 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

It has completely torn my and H's families apart from the beginning. I've tried the "not talk politics" but I very quickly learned that MAGA types, especially MAGA men, cannot NOT bring it up for any social interaction. And I will tell them to fuck off. It really depresses me when I think about it. When I read some of you have families very anti-Trump, I am so incredibly envious of that. At this point, the only super anti-Trump person in my family is my mom and we aren't close. So...byeeeeeee to 99% of my family!!!!

This statement is so true and it is completely bizarre. It's like trump is running through their minds 24/7. Truly cult-ish. 

[wildrice]

I do not have this problem, but one of my close friends did with her dad. After 8+ years of pushing on him, he finally decided against voting for Trump this year (idk if he just sat this one out though). So some people do change their mind

That said I think I would have to have some major boundaries around my relationship and it would be pretty frosty. I don't know if I would cut out my parents - I would love to say yes but I have been privileged enough not to have to make that choice and I'm very close with them so it's tough for me to even imagine. I do think there is value in having tough conversations with people you love.

But at the same time it's been this long and nothing has changed, so I wouldn't necessarily have a lot of hope. This may just be who they always will be.

[wanderingback]

Nov 12, 2024 14:28:26 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

Nov 12, 2024 13:09:37 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

I’m sure it’ll be fine but if you donate to any smaller orgs please don’t do this. Safety of orgs needs to be kept in mind. See my list of orgs better than planned parenthood to donate to

That's exactly why I picked PP and not one of the smaller groups on your list. I figured they were a big enough group to be okay. When I donated myself, I used your list. 

To clarify, it’s not great to do it for planned parenthood either. They are often targets of violence and hate as well.