Dealing with MAGA family members

[sillygoosegirl]

I have some regrets about not being in regular contact anymore with the family members who may be MAGAs, although I suspect they are more the "hold your nose and vote the party line" sort of folks... which ultimately amounts to the same thing, but I can't help thinking they might have been reachable, and since last week I keep wondering if maybe I should have tried harder. Just not talking to them may not be such a great strategy for winning elections.

[Susie]

Nov 12, 2024 14:38:21 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

I've tried the "not talk politics" but I very quickly learned that MAGA types, especially MAGA men, cannot NOT bring it up for any social interaction. 

100% accurate.

Trump really feeds that desire to feel "better than" others, and talking about it gives them that feeling all over again.  Now that he's won reelection, it's iced with the satisfaction of being on the "winning" side.  Every time they bring it up, it's an act of stroking their own ego.  

[4speedy]

I have no idea how to deal with my mom. And I’m REALLY struggling. I have so much rage, I tell her off while I’m driving at least 5 times a day. And it’s very complicated.

My mom was a GREAT mom. Girl Scout leader, room mom, worked her ass off to put us through college without debt, etc. And I am so so grateful to her for always putting us first. But I don’t even recognize the person she is now. And I don’t know how to reconcile that.

The complicated part is that she currently has ovarian cancer and I am her primary caregiver. I also had cancer and I’m a little over a year out of treatment. I have a genetic mutation, as does my sister, that puts us at high risk for about 4 types of cancer, including ovarian and pancreatic. (My mom doesn’t have the mutation, we got it from my dad’s side.). Our kids have not yet been tested. I specifically asked my mom to vote for the person who doesn’t want to take away our healthcare. She literally waved me off and said “Oh, that will never happen.” And then she explained that she is voting for Trump because of her grandkids, she wants Trump to fix the borders because rapists and murderers are coming over. Also something about the national debt. She absolutely would not believe that Trumps tax cuts added 3 trillion dollars to the debt. And she is terrified of murderers crossing the border but doesn’t seem to give a shit about white men shooting up schools, concerts, churches. Grocery stores, etc.

So here I am, the primary caregiver for someone who voted against healthcare for me, when she KNOWS what my outlook is. I have a 47% chance of surviving 10 years. And I’m already 2 years into that. And yet I owe her for all the years that she was so good to us. So I care for her every day while silently boiling over. I can’t believe she has done this to us.

[ssmjlm]

4speedy, give yourself permission to walk away. You don't owe her anything, being a good parent is part of having kids and raising them. You're not indebted to her.

[ellipses84]

I’m not in that situation, but considering there’s nothing that can be done to change the political situation at this moment, I’m all for harsh consequences, at least for a set amount of time. My stepdad voted for 🍊 in 2016 and it caused a lot of conflict between him and the rest of the family especially my teen brother who still lived with him and wasn’t old enough to vote at the time. It makes me so angry some 🍊 voters couldn’t sacrifice 1 out of 3 of their votes for him for the sake of the futures of the people they are supposed to love. Anything that goes wrong in their life can fully be blamed on themselves, the conservatives in their lives and the people they voted for over the next year, if you are not around.

- Cancel spending holidays with people that are found to make you unhappy or cause stress and drama
- No financial support, time or energy spent helping them
- Maybe you can talk about it after the holidays but IDK if you should talk about it before. I think an apology would be insincere with no changes. I’d consider more contact in a year to discuss midterm elections if they are open to truly discussing politics and having any remorse / wanting to be educated on policies.
- No visiting states with @ abortion bans for women of reproductive age (if they ask why and that’s a factor for anyone, it’s not safe)
-Focus your time and energy on yourself, people who support you, and good causes

-Obviously you have to do what is best for you. If your parent is really old, I know some people who don’t think they’ll change and have stayed in contact knowing their time is limited, it’s still their parent and the don’t want to regret it. Maybe it’s better to stay in minimal contact and use your future inheritance to help disenfranchised communities than get written out of the will, KWIM? I also go back and forth if the silos made things worse this election and if it’s white women’s responsibility to be talking to other white women or if it was having no impact. I did hear of someone who infiltrated white women conservative fb groups and was subtly educating them. They didn’t really know the Dept of Ed was going to be eliminated and they weren’t comfortable with Elon’s involvement, but IDK if she changed any minds.

[neverfstop]

Nov 12, 2024 15:24:42 GMT -5 4speedy said:

I have no idea how to deal with my mom. And I’m REALLY struggling. I have so much rage, I tell her off while I’m driving at least 5 times a day. And it’s very complicated.

My mom was a GREAT mom. Girl Scout leader, room mom, worked her ass off to put us through college without debt, etc. And I am so so grateful to her for always putting us first. But I don’t even recognize the person she is now. And I don’t know how to reconcile that.

The complicated part is that she currently has ovarian cancer and I am her primary caregiver. I also had cancer and I’m a little over a year out of treatment. I have a genetic mutation, as does my sister, that puts us at high risk for about 4 types of cancer, including ovarian and pancreatic. (My mom doesn’t have the mutation, we got it from my dad’s side.). Our kids have not yet been tested. I specifically asked my mom to vote for the person who doesn’t want to take away our healthcare. She literally waved me off and said “Oh, that will never happen.” And then she explained that she is voting for Trump because of her grandkids, she wants Trump to fix the borders because rapists and murderers are coming over. Also something about the national debt. She absolutely would not believe that Trumps tax cuts added 3 trillion dollars to the debt. And she is terrified of murderers crossing the border but doesn’t seem to give a shit about white men shooting up schools, concerts, churches. Grocery stores, etc.

So here I am, the primary caregiver for someone who voted against healthcare for me, when she KNOWS what my outlook is. I have a 47% chance of surviving 10 years. And I’m already 2 years into that. And yet I owe her for all the years that she was so good to us. So I care for her every day while silently boiling over. I can’t believe she has done this to us.

THIS.... so much.  My mom gets nervous every time I let me 9/10 year old daughters walk to the restroom in a restaurant.  She tells me people are kidnapping girls.  She's also down the 'contrail' and controlling the weather hole.  I can't convince her my kids are more at risk of a fire arms death or car crash than some boogeyman in an Outback restaurant. Or that climate change + natural disasters will will impact them more than cloud seeding. 
<sigh>  

She was and still is a great mom, who will do anything for me & it's important to me for my daughters to have a relationship with their grandparents. However, DD came home from the last sleepover with my MIL telling me how "Kamala was telling all the lies" and other bullshit and I was LIVID.

[underwaterrhymes]

We only have one family member still in our lives (H’s stepdad) who is conservative. We have cut everyone else out. H’s mom claims his stepdad didn’t vote for Trump, but I am skeptical. If he didn’t, it’s only because of the fear of losing healthcare.

Luckily, he learned early on (before we had kids) that I do not tolerate shit, and my brother-in-law is as vocal as I am, so he keeps his mouth shut.

I regularly have more gentle conversations with the people in my life who vote blue, but are still micro aggressive or passive when it comes to social justice. I’ve made real headway with my mom who doesn’t like to rock the boat, but she yelled at her racist neighbor the other day.

That was before the election. When I spoke with her last Friday, she was understandably very shocked and sad over the outcome of the election. I told her, you can grieve today, but you best get your feet under you and you use your privilege to get involved and fight. (Her dad is my grandfather who just died on Sunday early AM, so I’m giving her a little bit of grace to move through that grief before I light a fire under her.)

[ellipses84]

[mention]4speedy [/mention] (((hugs))) I have BRCA2+ and I cannot imagine! The R party is so good at spreading fear over unrealistic threats, instead of real ones. So many people voted against Obamacare not realizing it’s the ACA and they have the ACA and pre-existing conditions. If she feels up to it, ask her to call or write her congresspeople. My only hope is that they won’t gut popular programs without a replacement. I would honestly figure out a way to block Faux News, etc. via all devices and wifi and play dumb about it.

[shopgirl07]

Nov 12, 2024 15:24:42 GMT -5 4speedy said:

I have no idea how to deal with my mom. And I’m REALLY struggling. I have so much rage, I tell her off while I’m driving at least 5 times a day. And it’s very complicated.

My mom was a GREAT mom. Girl Scout leader, room mom, worked her ass off to put us through college without debt, etc. And I am so so grateful to her for always putting us first. But I don’t even recognize the person she is now. And I don’t know how to reconcile that.

The complicated part is that she currently has ovarian cancer and I am her primary caregiver. I also had cancer and I’m a little over a year out of treatment. I have a genetic mutation, as does my sister, that puts us at high risk for about 4 types of cancer, including ovarian and pancreatic. (My mom doesn’t have the mutation, we got it from my dad’s side.). Our kids have not yet been tested. I specifically asked my mom to vote for the person who doesn’t want to take away our healthcare. She literally waved me off and said “Oh, that will never happen.” And then she explained that she is voting for Trump because of her grandkids, she wants Trump to fix the borders because rapists and murderers are coming over. Also something about the national debt. She absolutely would not believe that Trumps tax cuts added 3 trillion dollars to the debt. And she is terrified of murderers crossing the border but doesn’t seem to give a shit about white men shooting up schools, concerts, churches. Grocery stores, etc.

So here I am, the primary caregiver for someone who voted against healthcare for me, when she KNOWS what my outlook is. I have a 47% chance of surviving 10 years. And I’m already 2 years into that. And yet I owe her for all the years that she was so good to us. So I care for her every day while silently boiling over. I can’t believe she has done this to us.

I hear you. I don’t think you have to silently boil over though. I posted before that I think radical honestly and not giving a fuck about how that makes others feel is the way to go. She’s not entitled to be completely insulated from her choices while receiving so much care and goodwill. Speak your mind when you want, express your frustration when you feel it. Again, she’s not entitled to an ivory tower.

My brother has been dealing with debilitating anxiety for the past year. This election has broken him and he’s in full blown depression over it. He’s currently living with my mother who probably voted for Trump. She called me so upset and feeling helpless over the situation. I didn’t shame her over her choice (tried it the first time and it didn’t work), but I was very matter of fact. I told her that I was close to a physical breakdown myself and that the end of democracy is a death that needs grieving. I also told her that it’s so much worse this time around, as before we thought it would be bad but now we KNOW it will be bad. She always says when people show you who they are, believe them and I reiterated that. I’m not sugarcoating the truth. I’m just not. And if that makes her feel bad then so be it. People are going to die, your mom can deal with some hurt feelings.

[wambam]

My MAGA aunt and her MAGA children spent the last month harassing my elderly mother. She received daily text messages with YouTube links about how she’s a bad Catholic because she voted democrat (it must be said that they are not Catholic). Then it escalated into calling her a pedophile sympathizer, accusing her of wanting to mutilate children’s bodies, and kill white people (every single person involved in this situation is white). My mom would block one number and someone else in the family would pop up.

We’ve decided as a family that my mom only has one sister now. She is no longer welcome in our lives.

[estrellita]

I barely see my dad's side of the family, for several reasons, but I haven't made any effort for the MAGA ones. Since my grandpa died a few years ago and my grandma this year, I foresee very little interaction with them. It makes me sad, but mostly because they're all "Christians" that IMO are hypocrites. My mom's side has a lot of MAGA too which sucks, but I just don't make an effort there either anymore. As for my parents, I'm hoping they've come around. My mom mentioned she voted for him in 2016 because he was "different" but didn't in 2020. From comments made, I think she at least voted for Harris and I'm hoping my dad did too. I know my sister has been voting D at least since Obama!

PDQ
I'm hoping my parents learned a lesson about donating to campaigns. They donated to my cousin's husband once, years ago. He's R. He absolutely went off the deep end with conspiracy theories and election denying and took my cousin with him (she ran for school board and lost but she was in one of those 3-packs of crazies). He's even dealing with legal trouble now. I avoid him at all costs on the rare occasion we're in the same place! But by donating to him, they're supporting his ridiculousness, and I definitely let them know this! It's not a school fundraiser, mom 😂

[Gato]

Nov 12, 2024 17:57:58 GMT -5 wambam said:

My MAGA aunt and her MAGA children spent the last month harassing my elderly mother. She received daily text messages with YouTube links about how she’s a bad Catholic because she voted democrat (it must be said that they are not Catholic). Then it escalated into calling her a pedophile sympathizer, accusing her of wanting to mutilate children’s bodies, and kill white people (every single person involved in this situation is white). My mom would block one number and someone else in the family would pop up.

We’ve decided as a family that my mom only has one sister now. She is no longer welcome in our lives.

Ugh H and I got texts from his sister-in-law about how we are pedophile sympathizers! Blocked forever and ever. It would be harder to do that to a sister but yeah that sounds like the most peaceful solution.

[shauni27]

4speedy, wambam sending hugs. I cannot imagine either scenario and they must have both caused/are still causing so much grief and heartache. It is hard to come to terms that someone you loved can have such different values and be so vile about them.

[macmars45]

H and I are dealing with it on both sides of the family.

One of my four sisters isn't an R. One. The other three used to be more liberal, but went the way of their Hs many years ago. I see the two worst offenders 2-3x/year at most and have for 8-10 years now. The other one lives in my city and we've both said our piece and don't talk politics. My parents are closet Ds. They never have and never will talk politics.

@@@

H's parents are full on MAGA. He was talking to them 1x/ week on zoom and since the election he's taking a break. I wish he'd take a break forever; they are awful people. H's sister, her two grown kids and her H are all Ds, thankfully. H and his sister just set up a schedule where they talk 2x/month. We're trying to get them to move out of AZ and up to WA state near us. They seem to be considering CA. H's sister hasn't talked with her parents in a long time because she lived with her now H before they were married, she wasn't born a boy and some other stuff that further proves they're assholes of the highest order.

[moreace01]

These past 4 years have been nice because it's been...calmer, less stressful and less contentious than the previous 4 years. But here we are, right back in it again.

My parents are die-hard GOP supporters, always have been. In 2016, my mom voted for Trump. At the time, she held her nose to do it and even said out loud "it's not like he's going to win". Right. So here we are in 2024, she's gone full MAGA and believes in lots of wacky conspiracy theories. My dad, less so but is still MAGA. One of my brothers is an anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist. When I look at their lives - I see where it comes from due to some struggles that they've had. They need to believe in something and this is it. It is a cult.

My parents are old and the next four years...I mean, I don't want to NOT see them ever again, but I struggle with wanting to be close to them. My mother is no longer the person I grew up with. Our values are clearly different and I can't get past that.

[calamity]

I haven't called or texted or anything with my parents since the election. I made a boundary in 2016 that we can't talk politics anymore because my Dad was full Trump at the time. I'm 99% sure they both voted for Trump again.

I don't even know what to say to them.

[TR]

This is an interesting thread because I feel like in the 2016 world, if you admitted to tolerating a Trump supporter in your family without fully cutting them out of your life, you were run off the board with a quickness lol

[starburst604]

I can relate to 4speedy in the way that my Trumper mom is not the mom I remember growing up and it's HARD. She had (and has) gay friends at our home all the time back in the 80's, when no other kids I knew had even met a gay person to their knowledge. She traveled Europe solo. She was the first person I can remember teaching me about MLK and civil rights. She was pro-choice and thought no teenage girl should be forced to have and raise a baby. She taught me to be independent and not rely on a man. She was, and in many ways still is, a good mom to me. It's hard to reconcile that with this aging woman who has become fearful of "illegals" and says "well women should use birth control and they won't need abortions" and then parrots the latest tale that Fox has drilled into her. I've started to look at it like these are the people who get scammed into giving large amounts of money over the phone and they seem to be afraid of everything, so I guess it can be expected that they can easily fall prey to the ultimate scam artist. I do NOT think my mom would have been a Trumper 30 years ago.

For the holidays, I don't know if it will come up but my plan is to leave the room if it does. This is not a situation where facts and data are going to have any impact. If necessary I'll just leave altogether.

[jeaniebueller]

Nov 13, 2024 11:13:54 GMT -5 TR said:

This is an interesting thread because I feel like in the 2016 world, if you admitted to tolerating a Trump supporter in your family without fully cutting them out of your life, you were run off the board with a quickness lol

I think that we had 10+ pages on someone having a hairdresser who voted for trump (speaking of, why are people talking about this as they get haircuts? i want peace when I go to the salon). honestly i think its difficult for many people to cut off family for how they vote if politics isn't a constant topic.

[neverfstop]

Nov 13, 2024 11:13:54 GMT -5 TR said:

This is an interesting thread because I feel like in the 2016 world, if you admitted to tolerating a Trump supporter in your family without fully cutting them out of your life, you were run off the board with a quickness lol

I think that was 3 weeks ago...  pandce.proboards.com/thread/643607/friends-support-trump  
The "bubble" couldn't understand outside the bubble.... <lol sob>

[chickadee77]

My family is very R, so I assume they voted that way. It's been years, though, since we have discussed politics, and I'm okay with keeping it that way.

Interestingly one of my nieces started up a little at my dad's 80th back in March and was immediately shushed by my brother (her father). I took that as a victory; ten years ago they would have been loud and proud.

[Velar Fricative]

Nov 13, 2024 11:13:54 GMT -5 TR said:

This is an interesting thread because I feel like in the 2016 world, if you admitted to tolerating a Trump supporter in your family without fully cutting them out of your life, you were run off the board with a quickness lol

This is why I cringed when I saw the title of this thread, because before I opened this thread I expected a ton of heat. And yes I definitely remember that hairdresser thread!

[TR]

Nov 13, 2024 11:56:28 GMT -5 neverfstop said:

Nov 13, 2024 11:13:54 GMT -5 TR said:

This is an interesting thread because I feel like in the 2016 world, if you admitted to tolerating a Trump supporter in your family without fully cutting them out of your life, you were run off the board with a quickness lol

I think that was 3 weeks ago...  pandce.proboards.com/thread/643607/friends-support-trump  
The "bubble" couldn't understand outside the bubble.... <lol sob>

But no one was run off or even lightly flamed in that thread either. I’m not necessarily saying we should go back to that or not, it’s just an interesting dynamic shift.

[eb777888]

What I remember from 2016 was "omg I can't believe the thing my racist uncle posted," then going on to share said thing/meme/tweet posted. Nobody wanted to see that shit.

Also, the whole "I HAVE to see my family for the holidays while listening to their racist/proTrump rhetoric." It was a lot of people refusing to push back on their Trumpy families, or straight up refusing to go at all. It was a lot of victim-y type "I have to go and put up with it while not defending my stance" and people were tired of hearing about it. Like, confront or avoid.

Personally, I had no idea that some of my Trumper family voted for him until later. Not everyone is on Facebook or super outspoken about politics. I was absolutely stunned when I found out my dad voted for him later.

[aurora]

My close family (parents and siblings on both my and H's sides) voted for Harris. So I feel pretty lucky that I can commiserate with them and find support for moving forward. I'm 90% sure my aunts and uncles did, too.

I think some cousins stayed home after deciding that politics is kind of broken and they don't want to be involved. I'd love to have some opportunities to talk to them more about it because I think they could be persuadable, but I didn't get to see them very often. I guess that gives me time to strategize.

[jobae1234]

My IL’s are all Trump voters. They mostly keep quiet about it in front of us. My family is large and mixed politically. I’ve already put significant distance between myself and my R extended family, saying hello at family gatherings and moving on. My immediate family are dems, which is a relief.

What’s tricky is that @@@ my SD is trans. My DH, her sisters, and I are enraged at DH’s family on her behalf. However, our trans teen is very conflict avoidant. She’s not accessing or expressing any anger at them, wants to get along. Just sort of loves her family and doesn’t care all that much. So we’re in this awkward position of wanting to stand up for someone who doesn’t want to be defended.

Anyway I fucking hate them all so the plan is to be very bland, boring, and disengaged at in law events from here on out. So sick of pretending.

[livinitup]

Cancel.

You are oxygen to them to spout their lies and misinformation. She already started, right?

They need disbelievers like living being need oxygen to breathe. Stop giving it to her. She’s smug and superior and all of your objections let her reinforce in her own mind how she’s in the in-crowd & your in the out-crowd.

You’re feeding her delusions by being her audience.

[jeaniebueller]

Nov 13, 2024 10:46:22 GMT -5 moreace01 said:

These past 4 years have been nice because it's been...calmer, less stressful and less contentious than the previous 4 years. But here we are, right back in it again.

My parents are die-hard GOP supporters, always have been. In 2016, my mom voted for Trump. At the time, she held her nose to do it and even said out loud "it's not like he's going to win". Right. So here we are in 2024, she's gone full MAGA and believes in lots of wacky conspiracy theories. My dad, less so but is still MAGA. One of my brothers is an anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist. When I look at their lives - I see where it comes from due to some struggles that they've had. They need to believe in something and this is it. It is a cult.

My parents are old and the next four years...I mean, I don't want to NOT see them ever again, but I struggle with wanting to be close to them. My mother is no longer the person I grew up with. Our values are clearly different and I can't get past that.

There is a lot of baggage in my relationship with my mom, politics is one aspect, but I am in contact but i put distance and I do not waste my breath talking politics to her anymore. Its crazy how much she has changed, she was not this person when i was growing up. she would have rather died than vote republican.

[Jalapeñomel]

My parents don't really talk politics, but I still cannot get past how they voted. I'm still so angry. I don't know if or how I will get over it. We live far away, so I only see them once or twice a year anyway, but they are slated to come for the winter holidays.

I'm still not answering phone calls or texts.

[ellipses84]

Are some of the most fervent red hat supporters in your lives people that would not be getting any attention if it weren’t for that? Whether negative or positive, I think this has gotten them a lot of attention and if they are in a red area it makes them feel like they belong. I think the best thing to do at thing point is ignore them and give them no attention, no reaction.