@ The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent @

[rubytue]

Nov 15, 2024 7:25:01 GMT -5 neverfstop said:

There's plenty of places these people could step in and have that kind of relationship with a non-blood family who would really benefit from having a wider community.

In the past year or so, I have developed a friend who is in his 20s. We joke a lot about me being his second mom, and how I got the best of everything with none of the pain by adopting my kid at 27 (no diapers, no teenage angst, no college expenses - just a higher water bill for laundry). For some reason, it’s been on my mind this week because, I don’t really have family. My dad died, my mother estranged, no siblings, H’s family is distant. I was not looking for or expecting this. But wow do I see how cool it can be. I’m currently cat sitting for my “grand niece”, and I could totally see baby sitting if he has kids.  But that’s a tangent about the family you choose. 

My stepmom is one of the grandparents that really, really, really wanted to be. When I was 25 and was home for the first time after breaking up with my live in boyfriend, she went off on wanting grand babies. I pointed out I was newly single, and she was all “that doesn’t matter!” Time and place lady…

[bugandbibs]

My mom is very close to my kids. She calls herself their "everyday" grandma and I love the relationships she has forged with each of them. I really want to have that myself someday, and will be sad if none of my children decide to have kids.

That said- if they choose not to have them I will absolutely accept and respect that choice. They have my full support to choose the life that makes sense to them. My oldest is 21 and she has long said she doesn't want to have children. I have chosen family since my extended family is very small and I am sure that I can find a place to pour my grandma energy if I don't have any myself.

[simpsongal]

I thought it was a pretty balanced look at an issue that's growing but has always existed. My grandmother was one of 7 (greatest generation), my mom had a lot of cousins but of that Boomer generation only she and her sister had kids (Millennials). She used to comment that it was a sad day when her Uncle gave away his extensive train set b/c he knew his daughters were adamant about not having kids. And that happened in the 1990s. If any of those childless Boomers decided they wanted a grandparent-like experience now they're welcome to have it w/my kids, but they're fine their lives.

There's probably a certain amount of FOMO happening w/the current generation of would-be grandparents -- seeing those pics on social media. More anecdotes - my mom lives in an area that has a lot of retirees and a surprising amount in her friend group don't have grandkids. For the most part her friends seem fine w/it, except one who probably wanted kids and grandkids. But she dotes on her great nieces and nephews like a grandmother. As others have said, the opportunities to forge bonds w/kids is out there, they just need to find it.

[sonrisa]

If their first, major "it looks like this isn't going to turn out as I expected" moment as parents is when their own kids don't become parents, they've had an unusually simple parenting experience.

[CrazyLucky]

Nov 15, 2024 8:56:50 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I don't know why people are so mad about this article, TBH. I can definitely understand being disappointed about not having grandkids? I don't know why its not a valid opinion to have. I can't put my finger on it, but some of the comments online about this article have an underlying tone of sexism towards the woman in the article. It feels like another 'ha ha Karen,' kind of thing. 

I agree with you on this.  I think it's reasonable to grieve the life you wanted but are not going to have.  One of my friends has a daughter with Downs Syndrome and they didn't know until she was born.  I remember her saying to me that they had to go through a grief process, grieving for the daughter they were expecting to have, and I was impressed with how open and honest she was about it.  They love her to death and I'm sure wouldn't change anything now, but I think it's ok to admit grief in a situation like that.
That said, the first women quoted, Ms. Kutt says that her daughter has made clear that she doesn't want to talk about her reproductive choices, but sometimes Ms. Kutt just cannot help herself.  That is not ok and it's the kind of thing that deservedly moves parents to low contact or no contact.

[RoxMonster]

I think it's totally fair and valid to grieve the life you thought you'd have and are not going to have. I'm an only child and the only "shot" my mom had to be a grandma. H and I are childfree by choice. I know she was disappointed and sad when we said we for sure were not interested in kids. But she didn't pressure us and respected our choice. My MIL, on the other hand, not so much (and we are now estranged from her for various reasons, one of which being how cruel she was to us and calling us selfish people for not having kids, etc.).

[wanderingback]

Nov 15, 2024 16:15:17 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

Nov 15, 2024 8:56:50 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I don't know why people are so mad about this article, TBH. I can definitely understand being disappointed about not having grandkids? I don't know why its not a valid opinion to have. I can't put my finger on it, but some of the comments online about this article have an underlying tone of sexism towards the woman in the article. It feels like another 'ha ha Karen,' kind of thing. 

I agree with you on this.  I think it's reasonable to grieve the life you wanted but are not going to have.  One of my friends has a daughter with Downs Syndrome and they didn't know until she was born.  I remember her saying to me that they had to go through a grief process, grieving for the daughter they were expecting to have, and I was impressed with how open and honest she was about it.  They love her to death and I'm sure wouldn't change anything now, but I think it's ok to admit grief in a situation like that.
That said, the first women quoted, Ms. Kutt says that her daughter has made clear that she doesn't want to talk about her reproductive choices, but sometimes Ms. Kutt just cannot help herself.  That is not ok and it's the kind of thing that deservedly moves parents to low contact or no contact.

I think grieving having a child that will have chronic medical problems is vastly different than grieving something that you place upon someone else to make you happy.

Obviously everyone’s feelings are valid and people should work through those feelings in therapy but those 2 examples are not the same.

[rhian]

Nov 15, 2024 8:56:50 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I don't know why people are so mad about this article, TBH. I can definitely understand being disappointed about not having grandkids? I don't know why its not a valid opinion to have. I can't put my finger on it, but some of the comments online about this article have an underlying tone of sexism towards the woman in the article. It feels like another 'ha ha Karen,' kind of thing. 

For me, it's not that they're not entitled to grieve and feel sad about missing out on a particular experience, it's that they have this very boomer energy of "I'm not bothering anyone with my feelings," when that is clearly not true - one of the moms herself says that she can't help herself in telling her kid about her feelings, and one of the daughters says that her mom tells her about how much she wants to be a grandma. So it's really not an "unspoken" grief at all. My reaction to the article is based on what I imagine it feels like to be the children of these people (it seems like it would be really fucking irritating).

I was recently talking to a friend about how unequal the childcare and household labor is in our parents' and in laws' relationships, and how that was really the expectation in their generation. I commented that I don't think I would have had kids if I'd been born a boomer, because no thank you to signing up for such a disproportionally high amount of the parenting work. It makes me wonder if some boomer women really want to be grandmas because they want to experience the joy of young children without having to do most of the work that comes with it, which they didn't get to do as parents.

[mrsslocombe]

Nov 15, 2024 18:28:19 GMT -5 rhian said:

Nov 15, 2024 8:56:50 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I don't know why people are so mad about this article, TBH. I can definitely understand being disappointed about not having grandkids? I don't know why its not a valid opinion to have. I can't put my finger on it, but some of the comments online about this article have an underlying tone of sexism towards the woman in the article. It feels like another 'ha ha Karen,' kind of thing. 

For me, it's not that they're not entitled to grieve and feel sad about missing out on a particular experience, it's that they have this very boomer energy of "I'm not bothering anyone with my feelings," when that is clearly not true - one of the moms herself says that she can't help herself in telling her kid about her feelings, and one of the daughters says that her mom tells her about how much she wants to be a grandma. So it's really not an "unspoken" grief at all. My reaction to the article is based on what I imagine it feels like to be the children of these people (it seems like it would be really fucking irritating).

I was recently talking to a friend about how unequal the childcare and household labor is in our parents' and in laws' relationships, and how that was really the expectation in their generation. I commented that I don't think I would have had kids if I'd been born a boomer, because no thank you to signing up for such a disproportionally high amount of the parenting work. It makes me wonder if some boomer women really want to be grandmas because they want to experience the joy of young children without having to do most of the work that comes with it, which they didn't get to do as parents.

I think this is absolutely the case, they want to "enjoy their grandchildren." They want to do all the fun stuff and not the full labor of raising a child. And if they are partnered, enjoy the kids with that spouse/partner and not be burdened by the stress of disagreeing about how to raise  the kids, divide the load, etc.

[pixy0stix]

Nov 15, 2024 17:31:38 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Nov 15, 2024 16:15:17 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

I agree with you on this.  I think it's reasonable to grieve the life you wanted but are not going to have.  One of my friends has a daughter with Downs Syndrome and they didn't know until she was born.  I remember her saying to me that they had to go through a grief process, grieving for the daughter they were expecting to have, and I was impressed with how open and honest she was about it.  They love her to death and I'm sure wouldn't change anything now, but I think it's ok to admit grief in a situation like that.
That said, the first women quoted, Ms. Kutt says that her daughter has made clear that she doesn't want to talk about her reproductive choices, but sometimes Ms. Kutt just cannot help herself.  That is not ok and it's the kind of thing that deservedly moves parents to low contact or no contact.

I think grieving having a child that will have chronic medical problems is vastly different than grieving something that you place upon someone else to make you happy.

Obviously everyone’s feelings are valid and people should work through those feelings in therapy but those 2 examples are not the same.

But if that's the only grief they know, it still hurts.

Like some people equate losing their pets as the worst grief they've ever had, which ok. I'm not going to tell them to suck it up just because I've experienced a different grief.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Nov 15, 2024 18:56:33 GMT -5 mrsslocombe said:

Nov 15, 2024 18:28:19 GMT -5 rhian said:

For me, it's not that they're not entitled to grieve and feel sad about missing out on a particular experience, it's that they have this very boomer energy of "I'm not bothering anyone with my feelings," when that is clearly not true - one of the moms herself says that she can't help herself in telling her kid about her feelings, and one of the daughters says that her mom tells her about how much she wants to be a grandma. So it's really not an "unspoken" grief at all. My reaction to the article is based on what I imagine it feels like to be the children of these people (it seems like it would be really fucking irritating).

I was recently talking to a friend about how unequal the childcare and household labor is in our parents' and in laws' relationships, and how that was really the expectation in their generation. I commented that I don't think I would have had kids if I'd been born a boomer, because no thank you to signing up for such a disproportionally high amount of the parenting work. It makes me wonder if some boomer women really want to be grandmas because they want to experience the joy of young children without having to do most of the work that comes with it, which they didn't get to do as parents.

I think this is absolutely the case, they want to "enjoy their grandchildren." They want to do all the fun stuff and not the full labor of raising a child. And if they are partnered, enjoy the kids with that spouse/partner and not be burdened by the stress of disagreeing about how to raise  the kids, divide the load, etc.

My mom, bless her heart, was very vocal about the 'fun' grandkids were bc she could hand them back. 

[wanderingback]

Nov 15, 2024 18:58:21 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Nov 15, 2024 17:31:38 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

I think grieving having a child that will have chronic medical problems is vastly different than grieving something that you place upon someone else to make you happy.

Obviously everyone’s feelings are valid and people should work through those feelings in therapy but those 2 examples are not the same.

But if that's the only grief they know, it still hurts.

Like some people equate losing their pets as the worst grief they've ever had, which ok. I'm not going to tell them to suck it up just because I've experienced a different grief.

Yes, I absolutely agree. I was just saying I don’t get the correlation to the story from the person I quoted.

Most people experience grief and grief surrounding expectations. I just personally think the examples don’t compare. Like there are people who have had cancer on this board (or their kids or husbands/partners), which is obviously life changing. That hasn’t been brought up to compare to the grief discussed in this article re: grandkids.

I’m not trying to play the suffering Olympics, I just personally feel that having expectations on others behavior (having kids, getting married, going to college, moving to X state) is different than expectations about one’s own behaviors and also different than health outcomes.

[SmartyCat]

Thanks for the guest link. The article was more balanced than I expected - when I read the title I thought "SURE it's unspoken, cool story".

I'm in the cohort that will never have grandkids, also retired to a much smaller town a couple years ago. I've been surprised at what feels like pushback to our not being grandparents. "Oh, well, someday right, when do you expect them to start a family?" "No, YOU KNOW, I mean a family with kids" "What do you mean you don't expect to have grandkids, OMG, whyever not?" I wish I were making this up, it's so weird. At least I know which people not to introduce to my son and DIL when they visit us.

Our experience here feels sort of adjacent to the trad-wife topic, though it's probably also just the awkwardness of making friends in a new place and realizing I need to cast my net a bit wider. Also looking for opportunities to serve the next generation here - I may volunteer with Head Start or something.

[loira]

Agree that it's okay to grieve something you thought you'd have but don't, or a life you thought you'd live but didn't. But not okay to criticize your children for choosing not to have children of their own.

[hermione]

I’m my mom’s youngest of three and she was 49 when I graduated from college. I’ll be 60 when my only child does (assuming she goes that route). If she waits as long as I did to have kids, I’ll be 76. I guess I’m saying…times have changed and I have no expectations in this area. It’s truly a whatever happens, happens situation.

[somersault72]

I can certainly understand the grief and would/will likely have it myself if that happens. I definitely don't think anyone should have a child that does not want one. I think parenting is so fucking hard and my children were both very much wanted and planned, so I can't imagine doing it if I didn't want this. I also would love to be a grandparent someday, so I can understand the grief and disappointment that would come along with not having that.

I have a friend I've known since elementary school. She was staunchly CFBC and her brother did not seem to want kids either. Her parents are some of the kindest people I've ever known. I could see the pain in their eyes whenever they would run into us and see my daughter. I 100% understood and supported my friend being childfree but my heart still broke for her parents. She ultimately did decide to have a child at age 40 and I'm so thrilled for all of them. I know it doesn't always work out that way, but I'm happy that it worked out for them.

[fryjack2]

Nov 15, 2024 16:47:41 GMT -5 RoxMonster said:

I think it's totally fair and valid to grieve the life you thought you'd have and are not going to have. I'm an only child and the only "shot" my mom had to be a grandma. H and I are childfree by choice. I know she was disappointed and sad when we said we for sure were not interested in kids. But she didn't pressure us and respected our choice. My MIL, on the other hand, not so much (and we are now estranged from her for various reasons, one of which being how cruel she was to us and calling us selfish people for not having kids, etc.).

This was my favorite comment made by so many people when they would ask if we were having children and I would say no. 

How knowing you were not ready, do not want, or could not be the parent you think a child needs is selfish I have no idea.  

My MIL and SIL were horrible to me about having kids for the 5 years H and I were married before we had our children.  Plus the "See, God knows what to do." comment my MIL threw at me when we told her I was actually having twins was lovely.  I held my tongue a lot more then than I do now.

It's not actually much better now that we had kids and I'm not the kind of mother they want me to be. I have a career and an identity that isn't all mom, and my life doesn't revolve around my kids.  The horror. 

[fryjack2]

I also remember the ML post about expecting grandparents to care for grandkids. It was mind blowing.

I have no desire to be the caretaker of 0-5 year olds ever again. Especially when I'll be 15-30 years older if my kids have kids. Occasional babysitter? Sure. Childcare plan? No.

[bittybomb]

I saw that posted in a Gen X Facebook group.

My 16 year doesn’t want to get married or have kids. He’s 16 so I know many things about what he’ll want out of life can and will change. I would for sure love to be a grandparent one day but not at the cost of my own kid’s happiness. So I’d be thrilled if these things are things he ultimately changes his mind on but I would never do anything to try and change it for him or even worse pressure or guilt him because it’s something I may want.

[CloudBee]

Nov 15, 2024 12:02:33 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Also, building your village is just as important as you age as when you're a parent. I'm so thankful that when my parents moved closer to us they have their own activities and hobbies.

This is key. I'm not close with my dad, but he's setting an incredible example in his retirement years. Every morning he's out for coffee with friends, going to the beach to see who may know that's there, standing in a friend's driveway helping them fix a fishing reel, and attending every community benefit dinner.

My mom on the other hand spends all of her time at home and is always waiting for people to come to her. She doesn't get out on her own accord and it's slowly killing her. She won't take suggestions to visit the senior center or free library classes/events.

We have an only @ child, and DH is an only child. Our family is small. I'm already viewing my dad as the example for my future, knowing that while I hope to live near DS, DH is 12 years older than me and I may find myself alone in my old age. I hope I can be as intentional as my dad at building community in my older years.

[jeaniebueller]

Nov 15, 2024 18:28:19 GMT -5 rhian said:

Nov 15, 2024 8:56:50 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I don't know why people are so mad about this article, TBH. I can definitely understand being disappointed about not having grandkids? I don't know why its not a valid opinion to have. I can't put my finger on it, but some of the comments online about this article have an underlying tone of sexism towards the woman in the article. It feels like another 'ha ha Karen,' kind of thing. 

For me, it's not that they're not entitled to grieve and feel sad about missing out on a particular experience, it's that they have this very boomer energy of "I'm not bothering anyone with my feelings," when that is clearly not true - one of the moms herself says that she can't help herself in telling her kid about her feelings, and one of the daughters says that her mom tells her about how much she wants to be a grandma. So it's really not an "unspoken" grief at all. My reaction to the article is based on what I imagine it feels like to be the children of these people (it seems like it would be really fucking irritating).

I was recently talking to a friend about how unequal the childcare and household labor is in our parents' and in laws' relationships, and how that was really the expectation in their generation. I commented that I don't think I would have had kids if I'd been born a boomer, because no thank you to signing up for such a disproportionally high amount of the parenting work. It makes me wonder if some boomer women really want to be grandmas because they want to experience the joy of young children without having to do most of the work that comes with it, which they didn't get to do as parents.

i'm lucky in that my mom and MIL have been very willing to help watch my kids, don't get me wrong, they def don't do all of the shit i want them to do, but they are willing to do the not fun stuff. my MIL carts my kids all over town, her mom and dad helped raise my H and she wanted to give back to her kids in that way too. Anyway, my long way of saying that i'm not sure we can draw generational conclusions from this.

[jeaniebueller]

Nov 16, 2024 12:20:06 GMT -5 fryjack2 said:

I also remember the ML post about expecting grandparents to care for grandkids. It was mind blowing.

I have no desire to be the caretaker of 0-5 year olds ever again. Especially when I'll be 15-30 years older if my kids have kids. Occasional babysitter? Sure. Childcare plan? No.

Now that i don't have infants, I think it would be fun to spend time helping care for someone else's infant, i can get a sleepless night with them but then hand them back and go back to my home, lol. But I also would not want to be full time daycare for my grandkids. 

[jobae1234]

I feel like such a weirdo because I don’t want grandkids. I want my daughter to grow up and live her life, if she wants kids then great but if not, can we go to the Carribean a couple times a year on my dime, and go shopping, and go to plays, and do cool fun adult stuff together forever and ever? That’s what I REALLY want. Future spouse welcome of course!

[wanderingback]

Nov 19, 2024 7:48:51 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

I feel like such a weirdo because I don’t want grandkids. I want my daughter to grow up and live her life, if she wants kids then great but if not, can we go to the Carribean a couple times a year on my dime, and go shopping, and go to plays, and do cool fun adult stuff together forever and ever? That’s what I REALLY want. Future spouse welcome of course!

Agreed. I’m very neutral on the topic. Other than health and happiness I really don’t have expectations. I do hope she continues to love and like me as she gets older haha. So far the beauty of parenting for me has been to see where her personality and interests are developing and leading her without expectations.

[Poppy]

I think maybe there were two different threads being referenced. I posted in the MM Moms one that I was sad that my mother moved away from us this last year and that she was never the grandparent I hoped her to be. I just want to clarify that I never expected or even wanted her to be childcare for us. But where her own mother seemed to delight in her grandkids (including me) and showed up to things like school plays, taught me to sew and type, hosted us for overnights where she spoiled us with pancakes with whipped cream, etc etc, my mother seemed wary of my kids being in her home and just overall ambivalent about my kids.

That's her right and I didn't ever pressure her about it. But to flip this thread topic, I certainly grieve about what my kids are missing. I know plenty of people have bad relationships with their parents, but I have a good one with my mom and hoped for her to enjoy my kids. Alas...

[jobae1234]

Nov 19, 2024 9:33:21 GMT -5 Poppy said:

I think maybe there were two different threads being referenced. I posted in the MM Moms one that I was sad that my mother moved away from us this last year and that she was never the grandparent I hoped her to be. I just want to clarify that I never expected or even wanted her to be childcare for us. But where her own mother seemed to delight in her grandkids (including me) and showed up to things like school plays, taught me to sew and type, hosted us for overnights where she spoiled us with pancakes with whipped cream, etc etc, my mother seemed wary of my kids being in her home and just overall ambivalent about my kids.

That's her right and I didn't ever pressure her about it. But to flip this thread topic, I certainly grieve about what my kids are missing. I know plenty of people have bad relationships with their parents, but I have a good one with my mom and hoped for her to enjoy my kids. Alas...

I kind of see this as all the same stuff though. Like my mom has pressured me to have more kids for years. She probably sees DD 5 days/year, once every 2 months or less. She lives an hour away. So to me it’s like boomers want grandkids but on the whole they haven’t been the greatest grandparents, compared to their parents. Yet they neeeeed grandkids. It’s just very boomer-y. Whereas I can look at myself and say I love my daughter but I’m not crazy into kids and I don’t plan to be very involved (more so than my own mom but less than the ones who retire early to be childcare), so who am I to wish for that?

[W.T.Faulkner]

Like pixy0stix, I do think I will be sad if I don't end up having grandchildren. I have already loved having small kids, even during the hard days, so much more than I ever thought I would, and I think I'd really love being an involved grandparent, too.

But the thing about this "unspoken grief" (lol at this headline in the New York Times) is that, when it is spoken (and it frequently is), it is just so upsetting to the adult child. My sister-in-law is childfree-by-choice and a wonderful aunt to our kids. My mother-in-law gave up pressuring her years ago, thankfully, but even after my son was born, she kept saying "Why wouldn't you want to have kids?" Girl, you're ALREADY a grandmother twice over, and somehow it doesn't suffice for you? Her feelings pissed both her daughter AND me off, especially since she is not at all helpful as a grandparent.

I just don't ever want to be that, or do that to my kids, even if I am sad about not being a grandparent.

[wanderingback]

Nov 21, 2024 10:24:17 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

Like pixy0stix, I do think I will be sad if I don't end up having grandchildren. I have already loved having small kids, even during the hard days, so much more than I ever thought I would, and I think I'd really love being an involved grandparent, too.

But the thing about this "unspoken grief" (lol at this headline in the New York Times) is that, when it is spoken (and it frequently is), it is just so upsetting to the adult child. My sister-in-law is childfree-by-choice and a wonderful aunt to our kids. My mother-in-law gave up pressuring her years ago, thankfully, but even after my son was born, she kept saying "Why wouldn't you want to have kids?" Girl, you're ALREADY a grandmother twice over, and somehow it doesn't suffice for you? Her feelings pissed both her daughter AND me off, especially since she is not at all helpful as a grandparent.

I just don't ever want to be that, or do that to my kids, even if I am sad about not being a grandparent.

Yeah how often is it actually unspoken lol.
My mom was def pressuring and asking a lot and I finally really had a come to Jesus talk with her and she got better.
When we started trying I didn’t tell her cause I didn’t want any added pressure. Then when I had the ectopic pregnancy I also didn’t tell her. I did not want to deal with handling her emotions.
So yeah, she doesn’t know that her pressuring/talking about it so much lead to me being extra secret about our reproductive plans and journey. I didn’t tell her until I was about 12 weeks pregnant since we also discussed reasons we might have an abortion and I also didn’t want to tell her about that.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Nov 18, 2024 16:06:44 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

Nov 16, 2024 12:20:06 GMT -5 fryjack2 said:

I also remember the ML post about expecting grandparents to care for grandkids. It was mind blowing.

I have no desire to be the caretaker of 0-5 year olds ever again. Especially when I'll be 15-30 years older if my kids have kids. Occasional babysitter? Sure. Childcare plan? No.

Now that i don't have infants, I think it would be fun to spend time helping care for someone else's infant, i can get a sleepless night with them but then hand them back and go back to my home, lol. But I also would not want to be full time daycare for my grandkids. 

I agree. Sometimes I have a random desire to just hold and snuggle with a baby. I don't want my own but I miss baby snuggles and smells sometimes.

[noodleoo]

Nov 21, 2024 10:24:17 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

Like pixy0stix , I do think I will be sad if I don't end up having grandchildren. I have already loved having small kids, even during the hard days, so much more than I ever thought I would, and I think I'd really love being an involved grandparent, too.

But the thing about this "unspoken grief" (lol at this headline in the New York Times) is that, when it is spoken (and it frequently is), it is just so upsetting to the adult child. My sister-in-law is childfree-by-choice and a wonderful aunt to our kids. My mother-in-law gave up pressuring her years ago, thankfully, but even after my son was born, she kept saying "Why wouldn't you want to have kids?" Girl, you're ALREADY a grandmother twice over, and somehow it doesn't suffice for you? Her feelings pissed both her daughter AND me off, especially since she is not at all helpful as a grandparent.

I just don't ever want to be that, or do that to my kids, even if I am sad about not being a grandparent.

This.  My siblings had 5 kids between them already but my mom still pressured me to have kids. Meanwhile, she also said that I would have a hard time when I had kids (because I never babysat and I'm the youngest? WTF) and really undermined my confidence in becoming a parent.  She said I would have to move close to her so that she could help me raise my kids.  When I finally did have kids, the one time I did ask her for help she did nothing.  And by the way I'm an awesome parent, so FU.

The article wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but it still pisses me off because I feel like Boomers in particular are so freaking selfish.  It is all about what they want.  And they won't admit that their generation had many advantages that made having children easier than it is for more recent generations, particularly from an affordability standpoint.