FMLA experiences

[Susie]

Nov 21, 2024 14:30:42 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

Nov 21, 2024 13:00:02 GMT -5 Susie said:

Bro likes to brag/announced that he "pulled [it] off" - "it" could be anything, whether it's getting time off, making it to a holiday, whatever.  It's always last minute.  He never give advance notice of when he's arriving to places, whether he's coming, etc.  I know I shouldn't expect this to be different, but goddamnit I can't work in this ecosystem of having to collaborate with him.

With this info, I extra-encourage you to not spend any more energy on this. If he has a history of swooping in last minute to be the hero, I would bet my next paycheck that he'll make it happen. 

It sounds like you are aware of this weird power play but still get sucked into it. I have a SIL like this. Every damn year she says she doesn't know if she'll be able to make it for Christmas (or, honestly, any family gathering). And every damn year she's there. At first we'd all ask her why and try to talk her into committing to showing up; but nowadays, we're all, *shrug*, we'll see you if we see you. She still does it, but the rest of us no longer waste our time engaging with it. 

Yup - it's super long standing.  In fact, my mom had a favorite older brother who exhibited this behavior, and she held him on a pedestal, always waiting with bated breath to see if he'd show.  He was a lifelong bachelor, and a long haul truck driver.  He never RSVP'ed to anything, and when he arrived to anything it was to huge fanfare.  He's here!  He's here!  The focus on it, and how much it drove her mood on holidays was annoying to everyone who, you know, adulted and RSVPed, but whatever.  It was just one place to add to the table, and he often volunteered to sleep in his truck, so it wasn't a huge deal.  

My brother happens to look just like this uncle of ours, and he leaned right into that learned behavior of how to become the center of a fuss (particularly by my mom).  When he was in college we all ignored it as much as possible, again, it was just one plate.  But now he comes with a wife, toddler, and dog, and it's not so easy to accommodate on a dime, especially overnight.  It's even worse when we're trying to plan something like care for my dad, and I'm relying on him to commit to a part and then follow through.

Both my mom and her brother are gone now, but what a pattern they've left us with.

I'm definitely learning my lesson for whenever the next health issue comes with my dad.  I need my dad to tell me what he needs from me, date to date, and that's what I'm agreeing to.  I can't allow myself to be Bro's contingency backup for his share.

[lostrn]

Does "management" mean a charge nurse/unit supervisor? Or the manager of a unit? In my hospital experience charge nurse/unit supervisor works 12 hour or 10 hours shifts and are subject to similar PTO rules as the staff nurses. So it could be he's trying to get time off approved or trade shifts and people are slow to respond to him?

My experience getting intermittent FMLA to help with my mom when she was going through chemotherapy it was frustrating to get it approved initially. It was pretty much a last minute approval even through I started the process as soon as I could.

Also, with my company at the time, I didn't have to use up my PTO to use FMLA. Taking time off as intermittent FMLA guaranteed I would get the time off I needed when I needed, my supervisor couldn't tell me no, and I didn't have to use vacation time unless I wanted to, I could just have a smaller paycheck.

Your brother might be a flake but he might be getting the run around from someone as well.

[sadlebred]

I would plan to be there those days or hire CNA or nursing help for him.

[glw]

Nov 21, 2024 12:49:03 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

To keep your sanity, you need to tell your father what YOU can do. "Hey, Dad. I can arrive X and leave on Y. I have tried to get answers from brother about A, B, C, but I haven't heard back. You will have to sort out the other dates with brother and uncle or find another solution. I will be there from X-Y."

I totally agree. As a Type-A people pleaser who is trying to get better at not trying to save everyone else.... Your father is capable of making phone calls and schedules, correct? (Not sure if he has other issues besides the hip.) He is capable of scheduling his own care? Let him. You have scheduled your time, let him/them figure out what do to the rest of the time.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

It might be helpful to see if he is scheduled to receive any in home PT/OT/RN care through Medicare to help him through. You might consider calling his area's Office on Aging to see if they offer any kind of temporary program to help him with in-home stuff while he recovers. At the very least, they could provide you with resources to hire someone if needed.

[lust2hart]

Nov 21, 2024 15:08:31 GMT -5 Susie said:

Nov 21, 2024 14:30:42 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

With this info, I extra-encourage you to not spend any more energy on this. If he has a history of swooping in last minute to be the hero, I would bet my next paycheck that he'll make it happen. 

It sounds like you are aware of this weird power play but still get sucked into it. I have a SIL like this. Every damn year she says she doesn't know if she'll be able to make it for Christmas (or, honestly, any family gathering). And every damn year she's there. At first we'd all ask her why and try to talk her into committing to showing up; but nowadays, we're all, *shrug*, we'll see you if we see you. She still does it, but the rest of us no longer waste our time engaging with it. 

Yup - it's super long standing.  In fact, my mom had a favorite older brother who exhibited this behavior, and she held him on a pedestal, always waiting with bated breath to see if he'd show.  He was a lifelong bachelor, and a long haul truck driver.  He never RSVP'ed to anything, and when he arrived to anything it was to huge fanfare.  He's here!  He's here!  The focus on it, and how much it drove her mood on holidays was annoying to everyone who, you know, adulted and RSVPed, but whatever.  It was just one place to add to the table, and he often volunteered to sleep in his truck, so it wasn't a huge deal.  

My brother happens to look just like this uncle of ours, and he leaned right into that learned behavior of how to become the center of a fuss (particularly by my mom).  When he was in college we all ignored it as much as possible, again, it was just one plate.  But now he comes with a wife, toddler, and dog, and it's not so easy to accommodate on a dime, especially overnight.  It's even worse when we're trying to plan something like care for my dad, and I'm relying on him to commit to a part and then follow through.

Both my mom and her brother are gone now, but what a pattern they've left us with.

I'm definitely learning my lesson for whenever the next health issue comes with my dad.  I need my dad to tell me what he needs from me, date to date, and that's what I'm agreeing to.  I can't allow myself to be Bro's contingency backup for his share.

What I'm getting at, though, is that he DOES always shows up, right? So I think you should just plan on him showing up, even though he wants you to be on tenterhooks wondering if he'll bless you with his presence. You might even try saying something like, "Dude, we both know you'll be here, so just stop with the melodramatic will he / won't he crap." 

Unless I have that wrong, and he is wishy-washy in his actual participation (and not just in how he communicates). 

ETA - sorry, I know I'm going way off topic here. I hate when others do that in my threads! 

[Susie]

lust2hart, he's definitely not 100%, but hopefully he gets it over the line here.

He sent back another word salad email about how it's approved but it's not finalized, and he can only call out X days/year but doesn't mention how many days he's already called out this year/how close to the limit he is, and so on. It's a whole bunch of non-answers. It definitely reads like a soft launch of 'can't make it happen.' Maybe he'll surprise me. Who knows.

I'm gonna leave it for him and my dad to work out. I can't take this on.

[heygrey]

Nov 21, 2024 18:47:17 GMT -5 Susie said:

lust2hart , he's definitely not 100%, but hopefully he gets it over the line here.

He sent back another word salad email about how it's approved but it's not finalized, and he can only call out X days/year but doesn't mention how many days he's already called out this year/how close to the limit he is, and so on. It's a whole bunch of non-answers. It definitely reads like a soft launch of 'can't make it happen.' Maybe he'll surprise me. Who knows.

I'm gonna leave it for him and my dad to work out. I can't take this on.

You are a wonderful daughter. I hope you can keep this mantra going and let the chips fall where they may. It sucks that your dad will be the one suffering if brother doesn't come through, but you have also given and given and given for years at the expense of your personal and family time.