Final update: Am I being a BEC?

[mcppalmbeach]

Omg. This is insane. You have to vacation with someone who stole from you?! Has she ever apologized?!

With his a-hole response, I would just say something like “with our burget. we are most comfortable just buying our family and what they need..we’ll plan for Friday night dinner for all of us.”

[icedcoffee]

May 20, 2025 18:12:43 GMT -5 momin2013 said:

May 20, 2025 18:04:23 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

I can also see how my mom will come back and tell everybody I’m being disagreeable and mean and I should just pay.

But you totally have the right to say that you definitely want to go, but that you’d be more comfortable in your own space. Seriously, is booking your own place nearby an option, even if it means you’ll pay for it? We’ll even help you find something, lol!

OBX is expensive and it’s already Memorial Day weekend. This trip will still be dramatic even if she stays elsewhere. I’d stay where it’s at least free!

[TR]

May 20, 2025 18:04:23 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

I can also see how my mom will come back and tell everybody I’m being disagreeable and mean and I should just pay.

Ok so your whole family has lost the plot in life. I see.

[momin2013]

May 20, 2025 18:17:38 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

May 20, 2025 18:12:43 GMT -5 momin2013 said:

But you totally have the right to say that you definitely want to go, but that you’d be more comfortable in your own space. Seriously, is booking your own place nearby an option, even if it means you’ll pay for it? We’ll even help you find something, lol!

OBX is expensive and it’s already Memorial Day weekend. This trip will still be dramatic even if she stays elsewhere. I’d stay where it’s at least free!

If that’s the case, if the brother pushes back after she says she’ll only pay for her family, I’d be out. I mean, I’d personally already be out at this point, but that’s just me..

[Deleted]

May 20, 2025 18:04:23 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

I can also see how my mom will come back and tell everybody I’m being disagreeable and mean and I should just pay.

Adds to the "To Fight" list

[ssmjlm]

DH’s cousin has a condo they just opened up for this summer in Duck.

I am 100% willing to connect you to the listing to see if it’s available at the same time.

Also, I know you don’t know me, but if I’m down at my house in Duck when you’re there, you are welcome to come and hang at my place. Seriously.


And tell your brother to STFU.

[macmars45]

When I've gone on vacation with my extended family every adult has paid for all the breakfasts, lunches, snacks and drinks for their kids and themselves. Every adult claims a dinner meal to make for the whole group. If you feel inclined you can offer to make a breakfast or lunch for all or part of the group. I've bought enough to feed all the kids lunch a few times and bought snacks I know all the kids will eat, for example.

Newly graduated from college adults probably have very little money so I'd expect their parents to pay for them, honestly.

ETA: your brother is an asshole. The audacity of asking you to foot the bill for his grown children!

[pierogigirl]

I'd skip this trip, honestly.

[dexteroni]

May 20, 2025 18:04:23 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

I can also see how my mom will come back and tell everybody I’m being disagreeable and mean and I should just pay.

Let me guess - is this also who talked you out of rightfully pressing charges for the crime committed against you? Girrrrl. Your family deserves each other. You, however, don’t deserve any of this BS.

[pugz]

When we travel as a family we each do one or two dinners and provide our own breakfast and lunch foods as well as drinks and snacks. Because some people don't eat 3 meals a day

[flygirl]

I’d abort the mission. This sounds like hell.
I can see Hs family doing this and then bitching they have to pay more than they think they should have to.

[Deleted]

May 20, 2025 18:45:08 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

May 20, 2025 18:04:23 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

I can also see how my mom will come back and tell everybody I’m being disagreeable and mean and I should just pay.

Let me guess - is this also who talked you out of rightfully pressing charges for the crime committed against you? Girrrrl. Your family deserves each other. You, however, don’t deserve any of this BS.

I can't believe the gaslighting here. He could have quietly divorced the stank and no one would have thought anything. Instead they made the victim feel like ass for years.

[Jalapeñomel]

Ok, I just responded with, that’s a tough situation but I don’t think we should cover their costs.

His response: really?


Omg!


And now it’s: “it’s what family does.”

[momin2013]

You’re being too indirect with the …‘I don’t think…’ nonsense! You need to be more direct, say what you will do, and if that doesn’t work for them then they’re on their own for food. Period.

[mokes]

May 20, 2025 17:53:25 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

May 20, 2025 17:46:16 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

I can’t wait for the post about rooms and splitting the costs!

*pops popcorn*

We will pay for a play by play.

For real. I’ll contribute to food if I can get regular updates. 😂

[emilyinchile]

Oh man, how tempted are you to say that family doesn't steal family's identity and savings, so maybe he shouldn't lecture you on this one?

[Jalapeñomel]

May 20, 2025 19:28:21 GMT -5 momin2013 said:

You’re being too indirect with the …‘I don’t think…’ nonsense! You need to be more direct, say what you will do, and if that doesn’t work for them then they’re on their own for food. Period.

You are right. Passive aggressive is what I’m being.

I responded: great you and son can split the cost. DH and I are on a tight budget; we will pay for our day of meals and then bring our own food.

[Jalapeñomel]

May 20, 2025 19:35:09 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

Oh man, how tempted are you to say that family doesn't steal family's identity and savings, so maybe he shouldn't lecture you on this one?

OMG. I SHOULD say this.

[fiddles]

May 20, 2025 19:14:31 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Ok, I just responded with, that’s a tough situation but I don’t think we should cover their costs.

His response: really?


Omg!


And now it’s: “it’s what family does.”

I would drop the think and simply say you “won’t pay as it’s not fair for myself and your child to subsidized 3 other adults vacations. I will pay for X people,”

And leave it at that

[ellipses84]

Split by person, minus those 2 not paying and maybe a lower amount for young kids. If an older adult thinks young adults shouldn’t pay, they can pay the portions for their own young adult kids!!!

[wildrice]

May 20, 2025 19:39:45 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

May 20, 2025 19:35:09 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

Oh man, how tempted are you to say that family doesn't steal family's identity and savings, so maybe he shouldn't lecture you on this one?

OMG. I SHOULD say this.

Or tell them to take it out of the money they owe you, if it's that important to them to act like family here...

[icedcoffee]

I honestly can’t imagine a world where I wouldn’t pay for my own kids (even once they are grown). I for sure wouldn’t expect my siblings to pay for my kids and grandkids. Lordy!

ETA: I recognize it’s a privilege to be able to treat my grown kids someday.

[tacokick]

May 20, 2025 17:30:52 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

May 20, 2025 17:25:19 GMT -5 tacokick said:

I am perplexed by the idea of paying for someone else’s adult children. Are you close to them despite their parents?

No, not at all. The audacity. I think he assumed because I’m the aunt, I should just do it and be grateful.

I also can’t get over them expecting their own son to pay for his siblings. Like what?

I knew this would be a terrible idea, but my mom was really set on this trip and I’m trying to recognize that the aren’t gonna live forever? Orsomeshit

The sibling part is just as weird. How do these people function in society?

You are a better person than I for going. Will you have a car? In case you need to escape for the day/find a random hotel?

[smock]

May 20, 2025 19:39:45 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

May 20, 2025 19:35:09 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

Oh man, how tempted are you to say that family doesn't steal family's identity and savings, so maybe he shouldn't lecture you on this one?

OMG. I SHOULD say this.

You can also roll out, “I’ve done my share of financial subsidizing your family and I’m not interested in losing more money.”

[jinkies]

If these were normal people and not thieves that you haven't seen in 5 years, I would say that mathmatically there isn't a big difference between x/3 and (x/13)*4. In a more pleasant relationship, I'd absorb the extra $20 or so just to make things easier.

But because they are assholes, I would sleep in my car and eat nothing but peanut butter sandwiches all week to avoid paying a single penny more than you owe for your family of 4.

[jobae1234]

So. I have a different take here.

You know these people suck. They’re horrible. And they’re acting horrible, right out of the gate.

This is what you signed up for when you agreed to go. This is how they are.

What is the cost difference? Is it truly worth the fight? Can you throw down some middle amount and call it good?

Here’s my rationale. If you’re going to go, go with eyes open. Make concessions. Go along to get along, within reason. Or, don’t go. But going, to make your aging parents happy, and arguing over what’s fair and what’s right, just strikes me as a fool’s errand. They aren’t reasonable and this is why you don’t see them. Fighting is only worth it in relationships you care to salvage.

I personally would probably choose not to go, because this trip ALREADY isn’t going to be what your parents are hoping for. There’s not going to be some reconnection/kumbaya good time. And your mom doesn’t sound like she’s that nice to you in the first place, so you should probably stop chasing her approval anyway. It’s not gonna happen, so proceed accordingly. I do get that backing out will cause major waves so maybe it’s worth it to just go. But then- go with eyes open and don’t expect fairness or a good time. Check the box and then never set yourself up this way again.

[Deleted]

May 20, 2025 20:21:34 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

So. I have a different take here.

Funny how this take sounds like all the other takes here.

[DotAndBuzz]

May 20, 2025 15:39:17 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

May 20, 2025 15:37:28 GMT -5 joy said:

Maybe I’m being silly, but how is anyone supposed to know what the other 12 people of the 13 on the trip want to eat on vacation? Or what if Andy likes to snack on expensive ass berries all day while Katie likes cheap chips? It’s just so complicated.

My sister’s kids like certain snacks so she brings them. My husband and I enjoy other things so we bring those. We all have what we want in the amounts we want and we bring home the extras. Win, win, win.

We started a list on Instacart

I stopped reading here.

I think you split things that would be shared. Coffee, cereal, bread, lunch meat, cheese, etc.

But specific snacks, like Cindy STRONGLY prefers Lays chips, and only Lays, she can bring her own chips. 


We get a house with IL's, and BIL/SIL and their kids every summer. We each stock for our own families, but then kids just share snacks. I might bring a Costco box of goldfish, and SIL might bring a shitload of applesauce, and the kids just share. We each end up buying eggs, but there are so many people in the house, things get shared. Ditto for yogurt, and such. Maybe assign each person to provide specific items that would be largely shared - condiments, cereal, peanut butter, bread, whatever, and try to keep costs even.

HOW you split those costs I have no idea, but I don't think the fully independent adult kids of #2 should be covered under an even 3 way split between 1, 2, and 3. They're full ass adults. 

[Deleted]

Why doesn't your mom step in and pay for the grandkids? If she wants this to happen so much.

[gretchenindisguise]

May 20, 2025 19:35:03 GMT -5 mokes said:

May 20, 2025 17:53:25 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

We will pay for a play by play.

For real. I’ll contribute to food if I can get regular updates. 😂

“Don’t worry fam. I actually have all of the food covered because my internet friends are paying $5 each for a play by play of the weekend.”