Non-PG related: I had a tear-filled lunch

[HoneySpider]

Ok, so this is a long story but I need to vent....even though I just vented to my co-worker.

As I have mentioned, my brother and SIL are expecting their first child the end of Nov. I am planning to go visit soon after.

DH & I are not traveling for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. For the last several years, we have spent one holiday with one family and the other with the other. My family is in NJ, in-laws are in Chicago. We are in south Texas so not close to either.

This year we decided not to travel because of the vacation time, money, general stress of it. We are always the ones to "give" because we live far away.

I told my brother several weeks ago that we were not coming home at Christmas. In the meantime, SIL has decided that my future niece's christening will be Dec 30 because that's convenient for her family. It is not convenient for me - I was not planning to travel during that time and also, my MIL, DH's sister, and DH's niece are coming to visit us Dec 26-30.

EDIT: I talked to my mom on the phone and then my brother. Whoops, didn't mention that.

Anyway, my brother is basically all "I want you to be there, I know it's inconvenient but I'm asking you for a favor." I am really annoyed because I made it clear that is not a good weekend - and the only reason they won't move it is because that's when SIL wants it. But her family isn't being inconvenienced because they're local. And my brother needs to grow a pair. Our family is always shit on and SIL's family controls everything. I basically broke down and told my brother how I'm so tired of being the one to accommodate everyone else and I just can't do it anymore. He just doesn't want to be in the middle of it and kept asking me to come on that date.

Anyway, I'm obviously going to have to go but I'm super annoyed that once again, I'm just expected to jump when everyone tells me to. I told him I would think about it although at one point I did slip and say "Well you know I'll be there."

I know this is stupid but it's the culmination of years of being the one who has to spend time, money, etc just to see family and friends (we've had so many weddings the last few years) instead of doing anything for ourselves. And I'm tired of SIL's family controlling everything. And I just wanted to enjoy my Christmas break without traveling. What can I say, I am selfish.

Oh, and I am stubborn. My brother said he'll pay for my plane ticket but I said no only because I don't want to feel like I'm in debt to him for something.

/end of lunatic vent

[ladygrey]

Families can be so frustrating at times. Hugs!

[tarheels]

Oct 9, 2012 14:34:25 GMT -5 swizzlestx said:

If you really want to go, then go for your brother and niece. If you don't (christenings aren't a big deal to me, I'm not really religious) then skip it.

I think I'm kind of on this boat. Are you a godparent? If not, who cares if you're there then? I mean, not to sound harsh, but I don't think the troops need to be rallied from all across the country for that unless you're a deeply religious family and this is a critical family-life event.

And I do have to say that SIL is allowed to pick the date of her daughter's baptism without taking you into account, but I totally understand the frustration of the general picture. Just be sure when you're talking to your family to make it about the history of traveling, not just this, KWIM? I'm sure you're doing that already.

[awick14]

I'm jot religious at all, do I would skip it.

If it does mean something to you then go.

(Sorry if that doesn't help)

I have a mil who can be like that but she is starting to understand that we can't be everywhere at once. I still want to be with my family as well, it's hard though, I know.

[Cheesecake]

I'm sorry HoneySpider, that sucks!

I agree with PPs though, I'd personally just skip it.
I also agree that your SIL has the right to choose the date without taking you into account, BUT, that also means that she doesn't get to be pissed off if you don't show up.

[HoneySpider]

Thanks guys. I'm mainly going to go because my brother wants me there and has asked me to go. When this date previously came up, I told my mom that I could not go and therefore I would not be there. It definitely wasn't a "OMG they better change the date for me!" kind of thing, more of a "well that sucks why can't it be a different weekend?" And there's a VERY long backstory as to why SIL won't change it but because it would not be convenient for some of her extended family (who are rich and don't work, so flexible on traveling).

As cw said, someday I will have my own kids and they'll have to accommodate me for once, haha

See I put my foot down on traveling for the holidays this year and they go and have a baby around that time...not cool!

[winecheery]

I'm sorry. They want you to FLY to Jersey for a Baptism??? No effing way. And I believe in God. God doesn't want me to spend all my free time and money on my in-laws, however...

I wouldn't want to start WWIII, but they will walk all over you if you keep letting them. I'm annoyed for you! Your brother should pay your way if it is that imperative that you go.

I'm guessing it's not worth their money either.

ETA I don't mean to sound like such a whore-bitch. I'm on CD1 and cramppppy sorry if that was harsh!

[thoseareradishes]

I don't think you are being selfish at all. You already have plans for that day and the day before- you have visitors. Is your brother expecting you to leave while your visitors are still there?

I also think that traveling across the country for a christening is more than a "favor".

[FastHands]

That is really frustrating. My family is far away and I can relate a bit to that feeling and always being the one who has to cave and spend money etc etc.

I'd say don't go... but in your shoes I know I'd go and just bitch about it, soooo..... :beer:

[Deleted]

Oct 9, 2012 14:54:03 GMT -5 winecheery said:

I'm sorry. They want you to FLY to Jersey for a Baptism??? No effing way. And I believe in God. God doesn't want me to spend all my free time and money on my in-laws, however...quote]

LOL!!

[7costanza]

My family is like this too, and they just live a couple hours away. They do stuff like plan parties for 5:00 on a Wednesday in the middle of nowhere, and once I volunteered to have Christmas at my house and was very rudely told there was no way they wanted to make the drive (that one still stings a bit). It used to really upset me, but a couple years ago I decided to stop caring and go to just what was convenient for me. It was freeing!

I'm sorry you feel so pressured to spend time and money to accommodate your brother, I think that's pretty crappy of him. I would totally take him up on his offer to buy your ticket, you're doing him a favor by going so if anything he owes you.

[Deleted]

At least they told you about it.

H and I live in the UK (I'm military), and my family is on the East Coast. My only nephew was baptized a week after our last visit. Nobody told us. If we had known when the baptism was scheduled, we would have changed our travel plans. Or at least bought a gift. But they just assumed we wouldn't be able to make it or change our plans, so nobody bothered to tell us until after it happened. I'm still upset about it.

I think if you want to go, and are able to, then you should go. If you're not able to go (time, money, whatever), then send your regrets. As to what lengths you should be required to go to in order to attend, that's really a personal decision for you to make -- how far is too far? How inconvenient is "too inconvenient"? I can't really tell from your post to what extent you were consulted in choosing the date, but it sounds like you told them this wasn't a great weekend and they picked that date anyway because it's better for her family?

[HoneySpider]

I realize that this post makes me seem crazy. Which maybe I am. If this was an isolated event, I certainly would be, but it's just the breaking point for me.

Anyway, I'm going to go. I'm going to let my brother pay for my ticket. I'm still annoyed about the date because I told my family a YEAR ago that I was not traveling at the holidays this year. I reiterated this to my brother several weeks ago when he brought it up. I basically had the mindset of "I can't attend this date just to let you know" and that was going to be it. I wasn't going to go, I wasn't going to ask for another date. But since he's so insistent that I'm there, I will go. I basically asked for another date because well if you are "requiring" me to be there, you have to take my schedule into consideration. But they didn't.

Anyway, this just means my brother BETTER come out for my graduation in May.

Thanks for letting me vent....I had a very long talk with my mom last night and I think this is out of my system now and I can move on. Although knowing myself I will still bitch about it at some point

[countthestars]

You don't sound crazy at all. ((hugs))

[winecheery]

Oct 10, 2012 8:37:23 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

I realize that this post makes me seem crazy. Which maybe I am. If this was an isolated event, I certainly would be, but it's just the breaking point for me.

Anyway, I'm going to go. I'm going to let my brother pay for my ticket. I'm still annoyed about the date because I told my family a YEAR ago that I was not traveling at the holidays this year. I reiterated this to my brother several weeks ago when he brought it up. I basically had the mindset of "I can't attend this date just to let you know" and that was going to be it. I wasn't going to go, I wasn't going to ask for another date. But since he's so insistent that I'm there, I will go. I basically asked for another date because well if you are "requiring" me to be there, you have to take my schedule into consideration. But they didn't.

Anyway, this just means my brother BETTER come out for my graduation in May.

Thanks for letting me vent....I had a very long talk with my mom last night and I think this is out of my system now and I can move on. Although knowing myself I will still bitch about it at some point

Family brings out the best in all of us sometimes! You're not nuts. I'm glad he offered, and I'm glad you're letting him.

[HoneySpider]

Thanks guys. I definitely felt crazy yesterday! Today I just feel exhausted from being so crazy, lol.