Am I being a bitch? (baby gifts from MIL)

[Deleted]

I don't know how to politely handle this. My MIL "wasn't excited about the baby until she found out it was a girl" ^o) , but since then has gone OVERBOARD in sending us baby clothing items. She's very feminine and had two boys, so all of the gifts are pink. We're talking a pink onsie from Nordstrom every week since July 1.

We have four friends who had daughters in the last year, and I've been deluged with hand me down clothes (which is GREAT!). We really, really don't need clothes. She was here 3 weeks ago for my baby shower, and I opened the dresser drawers to show her all the pink stuff we've gotten. She made a comment that "I guess you don't need any more clothing for a while" and I hoped that'd be the end of it.

Nope. Today we got a pink snowsuit. Which is very, very thoughtful and generous. Except that we already have four of them. She included the gift receipt, so I can take it back (would like to take it back). But I'm anticipating the "I want to see a picture of her in the snowsuit I sent."

The larger issue is trying to channel her generosity into something we/ our daughter needs. The baby registry is only half complete; I really need cloth diapers (which seem like something frilly and fun she could buy). And past just this phase, what about as our daughter grows up?

And for fuck's sake, what if the next baby is a boy!? We will not be able to reuse A SINGLE PIECE OF CLOTHING.

I realize that I can't dictate a gift. I know that. And yet, it feels so damn wasteful to me! How do you all handle this kind of situation? Or is it unhandleable? Am I being a control freak?

I was thinking of starting a "Wish List" for the baby at Target or on Amazon, so when she wants to buy a gift she could look there to get an idea of what the baby needs.

[MadamePresident]

I would tell her about the diapers and then be all excited. Maybe she will get the hint that is the thing you need most right now.

[Deleted]

We had to really put our foot down on "stuff" from my in laws. They like to buy things (toys especially) all the time.

At one point, my DH told them, " Hey we REALLY appreciate all the things that you get, but we don't have space or need and would really like DS to become attached to things and not think that everything is replaceable. If you feel the need to buy him something, please consider putting that money in a savings account for him."

I know that it is gauche to tell them how to spend their money, but I couldn't handle all the crap that they have bought for my niece. I knew that I didn't want that for Liam. I also just started leaving the toys they bought for him at their house. They can have the clutter.

We've also emphasized experiences rather than objects. (This is much easier when they are older) Ie. zoo trips, aquarium, picnics, park, etc.

I think your "Wish List" is a good idea. You could couch it as a Holiday list, but just tell her that you're planning on keeping it up to date as you think of things she needs/likes.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I know it seems like a big deal, but I wouldn't fight this battle right now. Yes, it's annoying to be getting multiple expensive snowsuits when you need diapers, but I'd just let her buy what she wants. She's excited about her granddaughter, and that's a wonderful thing!!

I wouldn't worry too much that she won't be excited about a boy. Unless she already has 10 grandsons and this is the first girl, then I think the "didn't get excited until she learned it was a girl" thing is probably just that she didn't feel a real connection to the baby until she knew the sex. I felt that way about my daughter, and I was the one pregnant with her!

The clothes buying will go away eventually. Once the baby is old enough to play with toys, then it will be fun to buy her toys, so grandma will probably start doing that. And if not, that's fine too. The hand me downs and scads of baby clothes drop WAY down after 12 months (toddlers are a lot harder on clothes!), so if she keeps buying clothes as your daughter gets older, it will end up being awesome.

I would just plan on completing your registry yourself. If you do ANYTHING to stem the flow of pink clothes, I would just casually mention that you're getting worried that you have so many clothes that not everything will get worn -- especially because you have no idea what size your kid will be wearing at any particular age. You could also tell her that you had to return/exchange the snowsuit -- but do it gently, and make a big deal about how you used that credit to buy something else you really needed.

Also, anything tiny that you get with tags, try to exchange it for a toddler size. We had SO many clothes for the first 12 months, a few things up to 18 months, and nothing after that.

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2012 15:50:11 GMT -5 MadamePresident said:

I would tell her about the diapers and then be all excited. Maybe she will get the hint that is the thing you need most right now.

Good idea...

The photo in your signature makes me laugh every time!

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2012 15:51:34 GMT -5 dbsk8dance said:

We had to really put our foot down on "stuff" from my in laws. They like to buy things (toys especially) all the time.

At one point, my DH told them, " Hey we REALLY appreciate all the things that you get, but we don't have space or need and would really like DS to become attached to things and not think that everything is replaceable. If you feel the need to buy him something, please consider putting that money in a savings account for him."

I know that it is gauche to tell them how to spend their money, but I couldn't handle all the crap that they have bought for my niece. I knew that I didn't want that for Liam. I also just started leaving the toys they bought for him at their house. They can have the clutter.

We've also emphasized experiences rather than objects. (This is much easier when they are older) Ie. zoo trips, aquarium, picnics, park, etc.

I think your "Wish List" is a good idea. You could couch it as a Holiday list, but just tell her that you're planning on keeping it up to date as you think of things she needs/likes.

I really like the emphasis on experiences rather than objects. DH and I try to live our life that way.

I'm pretty scared of the toy deluge. I'd like to tell the 3 sets of parents that we'd rather they contribute to her 529 plan (and take the tax deduction for it), or to a separate "travel savings account" than always give gifts or clothing items. I may just need to nut up and say it, huh?

[cjeanette]

I guess I don't see the problem with just being honest. Tell her you already have snowsuits. Thank her for the generous gifts and let her know that you have all the clothes you need for now.

[livinitup]

She sent the gift receipt with the snowsuit, so that has to be a clue that she wouldn't be shocked if you returned it. Take a picture now, if you want. But you're not required to capture a pretty-little-action-picture for everything she buys, especially in this quantity.So, I'd let myself off the hook for that expectation for every gift. And yes, saying you returned it is the simplest answer.

And I think a big customer-firendly stores like Nordstroms will send you a check in the full amount of the gift receipt if you request it at customer services and wait for the corporate office to mail it to your address. Then you'll have the cash to buy your diapers.

[Deleted]

My mon is just like this. I now just tell her what Charlie needs/ doesn't need & we go from there. I would tell her that you already had several snow suits, so you returned it & got something you really love.

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2012 16:17:39 GMT -5 livinitup said:

And I think a big customer-firendly stores like Nordstroms will send you a check in the full amount of the gift receipt if you request it at customer services and wait for the corporate office to mail it to your address. Then you'll have the cash to buy your diapers.

Hmm... good to know! I'm also thinking of taking the slightly passive aggressive route and emailing her links to super cute diapers that I've found.

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2012 16:23:42 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

I would tell her that you already had several snow suits, so you returned it & got something you really love.

We really need a second set of sheets for the master bedroom. Am I allowed to return the snowsuit and use the funds towards sheets, which we really, really love!? Lol. probably too much, huh?

[CloudBee]

Where's the snow suit from?

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2012 16:37:04 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Where's the snow suit from?

Macys.

[MadamePresident]

Oct 11, 2012 15:53:28 GMT -5 @idaholakelady said:

Oct 11, 2012 15:50:11 GMT -5 MadamePresident said:

I would tell her about the diapers and then be all excited. Maybe she will get the hint that is the thing you need most right now.

Good idea...

The photo in your signature makes me laugh every time!

Thanks. My BIL is a professional photographer so he did out newborn pics on Sunday.

[CloudBee]

Oct 11, 2012 16:44:56 GMT -5 @idaholakelady said:

Oct 11, 2012 16:37:04 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Where's the snow suit from?

Macys.

I bet they have something else that would be found on your registry. Even though you likely registered at another store?

I wouldn't exchange the snow suit for an item you want, but get an item that's for the baby.

If she gave the gift receipt, she expects you to use if it you need to.

[bunch]

I'd just take it back.

[ECB]

To play devil's advocate - why can't you ask your friends to stop giving you their hand me downs?

[fortmyersbride]

I have just come out and said, well we have more clothes than she can wear at this age, perhaps it is returnable, or do you have a charity store of choice that I should donate to? Usually when I talk of giving it away the over-gifting slows way down. But I have otherwise given up and donated some things new with tags. I stopped feeling bad about not wearing each item when DD was very little. Now I just want the excess out of my house!

[whitepicketfence]

My MIL was the same way with DD1 except that she would buy second hand items that I couldn't return or exchange. I was fine with used items but we just got so many clothes and toys that most of them went unused. Luckily, since #2 was also a girl, we did eventually end up using everything.

Once DD1 was a little older and MIL realized that we already have more crap than we could ever need, the gift giving started to slow down. She does still buy things for the girls, but it's generally more practical items that we really need now. I think she was just overly excited about our babies and that was her way of showing it.

[iheartbanjos]

To answer your question, yes, you're kind of being a bitch for disliking the gifts you are being given. That's okay though, but be thankful for what your mother in law gives you. We were gifted 3 Halloween costumes for DD's first Halloween. Everyone wanted to see pictures, of course, so we just went with it. It's a stretch to want someone to go from from gifting you pink onesies to gifting you cloth diapers/breastfeeding supplies, etc.

[livinitup]

No offense iheart, but it's beyond absurd that you feel the need to dress your LO in 3 Halloween costumes to roll with your kid fans + photos. And while cloth diapers aren't as 'cute' as weekly pink onesies, it's NOT actually a bitch move to suggest otherwise.

[cjeanette]

Oct 11, 2012 17:51:13 GMT -5 iheartbanjos said:

We were gifted 3 Halloween costumes for DD's first Halloween. Everyone wanted to see pictures, of course, so we just went with it.

I would be annoyed if someone bought my kid a halloween costume. I am the parent there are some things I get to do.

[hannamaren]

I would return the snowsuit and tell her. She will understand. She doesnt want things to be wasted. But you have to use the money for the baby and tell her what you bought.
My MIL is the same way. I try to focus her. Whenever I am at her house I casually mention things Layla likes or needs. Like a couple weeks ago, I complained how Layla only has one pair of shoes that fit. The next week instead of a random stiffed animal, she got new shoes! Great!
I also often mention how we have so many clothes and no more room. But then I stop and say "we have enough clothes until age 2, then what will I do?"
And as for pink, girly stuff- It is very hard to find neutral clothes. You can buy boy stuff that is acceptable for a girl, but it is still boyish. I have given up on saving clothes for my hypothetical boy child.

[pugz]

yeah I would be peeved with halloween costumes, way to steal the excitement from the parents choosing their kids first costume!

I would return whatever you don't want. Keep tags on things you don't plan to use and you can always consign them.

we have an amazon wishlist set up for holidays/birthdays. I just add to it throughout the year.

[Deleted]

I'd return the snowsuit. And I'd tell her.

[drloretta]

Consign or donate as she grows out of them. Take a picture of your kid in the snowsuit, then take it back.

You more or less have to roll with it. We have started specifically telling the grandmas what DD needs. I leave the notification of MIL to DH. We still need to tweak things. Right now we don't have many LS shirts for DD. MIL just sent 3, all at least a size too big *sigh* She was all into getting HUGE gifts for DD last year, and DH told her consumables are high on our list: crayons, stickers, markers. She's slowly getting the hint.

[dochas]

I think the fact that she included a gift receipt is a really good sign. If she thought there was no way that you would ever want to return it she wouldn't have done that. So I think she's excited, but not delusional. And if she is not keeping score you can return or donate.

Donating has become a really great thing for me. The things that people gave us as hand me downs were such a huge help. And now we don't have the money to give to charity that we used to. So giving baby things to others has made me feel better about that. When my son gets duplicate toys for birthdays or holidays I save it to give to toys for tots. Just another idea!

[mollybrown]

I do think you're being kind of bitchy. Just a little. I get not wanting to be wasteful, but you can't control what gifts she gives her granddaughter. She doesn't have to buy things you need. That's your job. You have the ability to return or donate anything you don't want. I don't feel guilt returning things. It's just a fact of life with a baby girl that people like to buy tons of non practical clothes that will be worn a few times, if at all.

I accept all gifts graciously, and get rid of anything we don't have a use for. She's buying these cute things because it's fun to shop for them. It's not fun to shop for diapers.

[Deleted]

It's totally fun to shop for cloth diapers.

If only you could get her onto that... I'm sure if you could get her hooked on the crazy hard-to-find prints, she'd buy you a full stash.

[Deleted]

Update: I looked a the snowsuit again last night. It's for a 6-9 month old. Baby is due November 4, so will likely fit in the snowsuit at the earliest by the end of April. And totally outgrow it by next winter. I'm a little mystified as to what MIL was thinking buying it, but won't press her about it. I going to return it for a gift card, which I'll save until Baby does need new clothes. I won't spend it on new sheets for us (though I reall want to, lol!).

Sidenote: I just realized it is apparently impossible for me to type "DD" rathe than "Baby"... Wtf is wrong with me? Lol, I will be a MOTHER a month from now! Who thought this was a good idea?!