Biggest whopper you've ever heard

[achase123]

The douchebag post got me thinking about lying liars who lie. XH is probably the biggest liar I know. Here's a few examples of the ones I heard over the years:

-When I found condoms in his truck his said they weren't for sex they were for self pleasure. I guess he really was getting freaky with his bad self because they were a Trojan variety pack: ribbed, ultra sensitive, and studded.

-The other day when I smelt beer on his breathe and asked if he'd been drinking while he was watching DS he said "no, but I did eat a green olive out of your fridge". I guess eating green olives=beer breathe.

-Last night DS said "mommy, this fucking sippy cup is leaking". I told him we don't say words like that and asked him where he heard it. He said "oh my daddy said that". I texted XH and told him about that. He said "I don't cuss in front of P, I guess he's being dishonest". Well, I guess that means his son is taking after him.

[BookLover]

The ex showed up out of the blue a few weeks ago. The divorce has been finalized for over a year and a half and one of the first things he said was...

-I never abused you. Those are just allegations since I never went to court to defend myself.

-It's all your fault I'm behind in child support.

When I was still living with the ex trying to see how much he had been drinking, I marked the bottle of whiskey with a permanent maker. Half of the bottle disappeared over night. "I didn't drink that much. You must have drank it in the middle of the night while I slept.

[Deleted]

May 21, 2012 16:58:17 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

These were from a guy I dated just before I met XH. He told me a bunch of weird ones:

4. Along the same lines, he told me he once had sex for 22 hours straight. Riiiight.

I played along for a little while because it was entertaining.

I would actually kind of feel bad for the women if this were in any way plausible. I mean...ouch.

[angieawesome]

Well most recently my XH accused me of having cheated on him during our marriage with his best friend. I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Another one that he let slip recently when I told him he needs to pick up the phone when I'm calling him regarding our children..."thats why I divorced you. I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to." Too bad I divorced YOU asshole lol.

[doriswe]

"I do"?

ETA: I'll also throw in there "we're just friends"!

[explorer2001]

May 21, 2012 17:27:58 GMT -5 doriswe said:

"I do"?

Well yeah there's that along with I love you, I'll never cheat on you, etc.

Xh swore that the picture of him with another woman in his arms who wasn't wearing any underwear while he had a huge grin on his face didn't prove he was cheating.

Xh also tried to tell me his collection of underage porn and written fantasy about raping a 12 year old were homework for the psychology class he had already failef out of at the local community college. I turned it over to the police as evidence during the divorce because he had recently been fired from a public elementary school for misconduct.

Yes my Xh is a sociopath.

[BookLover]

May 21, 2012 17:27:58 GMT -5 doriswe said:

"I do"?

:Y:

[BlueBayou]

"Im huge, hope i dont hurt you"

"Im good in bed "

A BIG HUGE FAT hahahah to BOTH

[heavenly]

I guess for me... it was "I nevered Loved you" after 6 years years together so I guess that means he was a lying lier this whole time about everything.

[cemacmil]

OMG! That last one just about knocked me over! Wow.

[cemacmil]

May 21, 2012 17:27:58 GMT -5 doriswe said:

"I do"?

:Y: To this.

The most recent one was 1) saying he was coming to DD's baptism - no show and then on top of that 2) telling his mom who was in tears that he didn't think any other members of his family were welcome - so just his mom and his dad (sober for the first time I have seen) showed up - after he went off the handle last week. One was a 75 year old Great Aunt who he said by name was one of the guests coming last Monday, I said OK, he said thank you, I said your welcome. DB!

Oh and let's not forget - you're my wife, I deserve it (meaning sex).

[cemacmil]

May 21, 2012 16:56:59 GMT -5 BookLover said:

The ex showed up out of the blue a few weeks ago. The divorce has been finalized for over a year and a half and one of the first things he said was...

-I never abused you. Those are just allegations since I never went to court to defend myself.

-It's all your fault I'm behind in child support.

When I was still living with the ex trying to see how much he had been drinking, I marked the bottle of whiskey with a permanent maker. Half of the bottle disappeared over night. "I didn't drink that much. You must have drank it in the middle of the night while I slept.

Did we marry the same guy?! Preping now for the "that was not abuse" line.

[BookLover]

May 21, 2012 20:42:37 GMT -5 cemacmil said:

May 21, 2012 16:56:59 GMT -5 BookLover said:

The ex showed up out of the blue a few weeks ago. The divorce has been finalized for over a year and a half and one of the first things he said was...

-I never abused you. Those are just allegations since I never went to court to defend myself.

-It's all your fault I'm behind in child support.

When I was still living with the ex trying to see how much he had been drinking, I marked the bottle of whiskey with a permanent maker. Half of the bottle disappeared over night. "I didn't drink that much. You must have drank it in the middle of the night while I slept.

Did we marry the same guy?! Preping now for the "that was not abuse" line.

Yeah, be prepared. In his mind, he never did anything wrong. I brought it all on myself. Then him being kicked in the gonads, he brought it on himself.

[roselis]

"I don't cheat on the person I'm dating."
"I don't cheat on my wife" HA!

"I was out my OW's work because I was driving around" This one was from when I asked him about a charge on the joint account that was not making sense to his other tales.

"I don't think I was ever in love with you." Yea, great thing to say to your pregnant wife.

"I will never leave you." Said while I was having a breakdown from the bipolar disorder... and while he was already having an affair

[prettyinpearls]

"It was for two porn DVD's that I threw away because I didn't want you finding them" -- When asked about a $40 receipt for what was listed as a "Session" at one of those sleazy peep show places.

"Oh that was my buddy asking if we were working on a side job tomorrow" -- When asked about a text from a random number that said "Hot House tomorrow?" (a local hot tub rental place), in which XH replied "Hell yeah. Noon like usual?"

"Divorce is never an option. I refuse to end up like my parents." -- the infamous line XH kept telling me whenever I questioned the status of our marriage.

[clw]

from my Ex...

"i can stop drinking anytime I want" then why don't you? Prove yourself!

"Rehab and AA are for loosers."

"Pot has no effects on me at all"... he's telling this while running a red light in a very busy intersection and after he just smoked a joint!

from the lying douche i was seeing for 2 months...

"I gave up dating website when I met you"...after he just logged out of OKC

"I'm not feeling it tonight" HUGE LIE! I knew he was constantly on OKC recently. So I set up a fake account and he started messaging the fake person. He even went as far as setting up a date with her on Friday night; all the while he and I had plans for friday night but used the excuse that he's "not feeling it". He even got a sitter for his kid - and told me that his mom can't watch him!!! I was house sitting for my boss so he knew that I would just go back to his house and be happy (and yes he was suppose to join me). But instead he ended up at the bar waiting until 1 a.m. for this mysterious girl that never showed up! ha. dumbass...

[hainesherway]

May 21, 2012 17:42:53 GMT -5 BookLover said:

May 21, 2012 17:27:58 GMT -5 doriswe said:

"I do"?

Agreed!

My XH told me that he wanted to make the divorce as easy on me as possible- yeah right! He fought me tooth and nail on everything and made it a point to make it cost me more $ and make it emotionally rough on me.

[blackkitty]

Well the guy that I met last week was a pathological liar so pretty much everything that came out of his mouth was a lie including:
his name
his occupation (he said he was a cop)
where he lived (he said he had a 5 bedroom house on 66 acres with a horse)
his brother got killed getting cut in half by a Fed Ex truck and his mom sued fed ex so he had a huge trust fund
he told me he loved me after meeting me twice and that he could see himself marrying me
I could go on and on
What a nut

[starburst604]

Wow, there is some crazy stuff here! I guess I'm lucky that while I've dated some idiots, so far I've avoided sociopaths/compulsive liars. Or maybe I just haven't caught them!

[nextchapter]

My XH has told so many lies that it's hard to keep track, but my favorite would have to be him telling me the OW was just a friend and that he was getting marriage advice from her. Yes, because the best source for marriage advice is a veteran homewrecker and 3x divorcee on the verge of losing custody of her children (and has since lost them).

[roselis]

May 22, 2012 14:25:03 GMT -5 nextchapter said:

My XH has told so many lies that it's hard to keep track, but my favorite would have to be him telling me the OW was just a friend and that he was getting marriage advice from her. Yes, because the best source for marriage advice is a veteran homewrecker and 3x divorcee on the verge of losing custody of her children (and has since lost them).

I completely forgot about that lie.... XH told me the same thing!

[enormasass]

May 21, 2012 17:22:15 GMT -5 angieawesome said:

Well most recently my XH accused me of having cheated on him during our marriage with his best friend. I just laughed and laughed and laughed

YES! I got this one too! He accused me of sleeping or flirting with everyone that he's ever heard mentioned in any conversation. He even went so far as to accuse me of fooling around with my pregnant friend. The only think that I could think of to say was "And next you are going to tell me that you think the baby is mine!!!" My friend and I are still laughing about that one...

[achase123]

May 22, 2012 15:40:55 GMT -5 @roselis said:

May 22, 2012 14:25:03 GMT -5 nextchapter said:

My XH has told so many lies that it's hard to keep track, but my favorite would have to be him telling me the OW was just a friend and that he was getting marriage advice from her. Yes, because the best source for marriage advice is a veteran homewrecker and 3x divorcee on the verge of losing custody of her children (and has since lost them).

I completely forgot about that lie.... XH told me the same thing!

Crap, I forgot that one too. The OW (well, one of them) was a "damn good friend". She was such a good friend that she was offering him marriage advice on the phone at 3am. She must've offered up her marriage advice on the phone AND in person because I saw a text from her saying "when are you CUMING over?" Poor thing, she was a great counselor but she never learned to spell properly

[jax373]

May 22, 2012 15:40:55 GMT -5 @roselis said:

May 22, 2012 14:25:03 GMT -5 nextchapter said:

My XH has told so many lies that it's hard to keep track, but my favorite would have to be him telling me the OW was just a friend and that he was getting marriage advice from her. Yes, because the best source for marriage advice is a veteran homewrecker and 3x divorcee on the verge of losing custody of her children (and has since lost them).

I completely forgot about that lie.... XH told me the same thing!

Ha, apparently, I do need to trust my gut because this is exactly what MH has told me about his female co-worker.....awesome.

[sparkles17]

Well, this post has made me feel much better!

"I never loved you" check
"she's giving me marriage advice" check
"I'm not a cheater, but I think you are cheating on me with X,Y, and Z" check
"I was just going for a drive" (to explain why he was 4 towns away from where he told me he'd be) check

Holy crap! All douche husbands ARE the same.

[jax373]

May 23, 2012 9:19:28 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Well, this post has made me feel much better!

"I never loved you" check
"she's giving me marriage advice" check
"I'm not a cheater, but I think you are cheating on me with X,Y, and Z" check
"I was just going for a drive" (to explain why he was 4 towns away from where he told me he'd be) check

Holy crap! All douche husbands ARE the same.

Oh.my.god. I think I just experience my ah-ha moment. I've heard all of those except "I never loved you". I keep trying to convince myself that he is not lying and he is a good guy.....I think that myth was just busted by this post. Shit.