Reading the childfree thread that Kore posted from the Nest got me wondering: do you feel like your life is a lot different than it would be if you didn't have kids? If so, how is it different? Just curious.
Oh He'll Yes. Life is so different. For one, we would still live much closer to Boston ( we moved so we could afford to buy a house & to be near family who help with daycare). We would do different types of fun activities sometimes. Have more freedom in our careers ect. We would also be really really bored. We are lazy homebodies, & having to plan around kids schedule keeps us on our toes.
We are still adjusting and DS is 10 months old. We really miss the days of taking long weekend trips on a moment's notice. Yes, we could do that with DS, but with the activities we like to do (brewery tours, drink craft beers, etc.) it's not appropriate for him to be with us. We also miss going to the car club events, we had a S2000 (2 seater) and they were expensive... that extra money has been eaten up with DC costs.
Our biggest thing is we are constantly feeling like we're one step behind. The house is never clean, the yard work is never done, other projects are just not getting done. Prior to DS, we never felt like this.
Would I change it though? No. I love that little guy dearly. The first months were tough since he was a difficult baby, but now that we're starting to get to the point where he can play a little more independently, he's more predictable, etc. we're happier. It has taken a toll on our marriage, there's no doubt about that. We are having a tough time fitting "us" in.
Well I am a SAHM, so first of all I would still be working if we didn't have kids. That would be a big difference. We would have a lot more disposable income. We would likely take different vacations, but we still go on several a year. I am sure we would drink more and go out to eat more often. We used to do things like wine tastings, wine festivals, and happy hour with friends a lot more often.
We always liked to go on nature walks, the the zoo, aquarium, etc.... so now we mist do more of that stiff or other kid friendly activities. We still go to outdoor festivals, food truck gatherings, stuff like that with the kids. We also used to have friends over a lot more, but now we don't really entertain unless it is more like a play date type situation.
Of course there is the obvious difference that I now spend my entire day hanging out with kids. Lol.
but seriously, I think my husband feels so much more fulfilled now that he's a dad. He doesn't find fulfillment from his job, although he is good at it. As a dad I can see that he feels his life has more of a purpose and he is overall happier even though we are sleep deprived.
for me, the main difference is that my life and our household now kind of revolves around someone other than myself and my husband (and the pugs). Not in a "oh nothing else matters" kind of way, but in a practical, baby dictates our schedule, sleep, and freedom kind of way
I guess so. We would obviously spend more money and time on ourselves but we spent a lot of time being lazy and doing nothing before kids. I don't think that was necessarily a good thing and I don't miss that. A good nap every now and then would be awesome though!
We struggled with IF for two years so we had to consider a life without children. That thought made H and me overwhelmingly sad.
We would also be really really bored. We are lazy homebodies, & having to plan around kids schedule keeps us on our toes.
Lol, I think this sometimes too. Sometimes I miss having the time to lounge around and do nothing though.
This is me.
Before kids, DH would drag me out of the house on the weekends when I just wanted to sit around, read, nap, and snack. Now I have to go out and do stuff everyday to keep the kids from bouncing off the walls.
Ha. This is a good question for a day when we weren't up from 2-4a and the for the day at 5:45. Anyway, I agree with everyone that we'd have more money and we'd be more lazy without her. We go places almost every weekend now (which I love and h has come to love). Because of that we're a lot more social. We have friends that we didn't have before. We also eat healthier, are more efficient with our time and have better sleep habits (well, sometimes).
Yes! We would sleep more, travel more, work more, make more money, go out alone more, relax more and have a much cleaner house and a much smaller car. I think we would also laugh less, feel less joy and overwhelming love, and have less fun.
Post by whitepicketfence on Oct 21, 2012 9:22:21 GMT -5
I feel like our lives are so incredibly different now that we have kids.
To start, I feel like we're always broke, LOL. I quit my job after DD1 was born to become a SAHM so we lost my salary. Even if I did go back to work, 80% of my take home pay would go toward daycare so there wouldn't be much extra income there. We also now have to feed and clothe two more people. Since I SAH, we do a lot more activities with the kids to keep us all sane and that can really add up over time.
We also don't have much free time. It's hard to find the time, energy, and money to go out without the kids. Up until this year, none of our friends had kids so they'd go out all the time...without us. Before having kids, DH and I went out all the time to different festivals, concerts, wine tastings, and, hell, even to dinner (not fun with 2 wiggly, impatient toddlers). It's rare that we do those things now although it's starting to get a bit easier now that we don't have any infants in the house.
We also don't travel anymore. The logistics and cost of travelling with toddlers is more than I'm willing to deal with.
It's not all bad though. I have so much fun playing with the girls each day and I have so many good memories of activities we've done with them over the past ~3 years. I wouldn't trade this life for anything. They'll only be little for a short while; when they're grown and we have time to ourselves again, I know we'll miss them being young.
If we didn't have a child, we'd for sure have more money to spend on stuff like travel, and we'd have a lot more time to sleep in and lounge around the house. We'd probably have more fun money because we wouldn't have to save quite as much (we are currently saving furiously for our next home since our current home is in a bad school district; if it weren't for DD we would be comfortable here for longer--maybe not indefinitely, but definitely longer).
I think I would also be really, REALLY bored. Having DD was an impetus for a lot of great personal changes I have made in the last 2 years. Having more limited free time made me want to do more important things with my free time, and I have far more hobbies now than I did before she was born. I also started exercising to help lose the baby weight and feel more in shape keeping up with her, and I found a passion in yoga. Also because of DD and my PPD, I finally got my anxiety treated and am a WORLDS better person today because of it, though I am no longer medicated.
That's on a personal level--I couldn't begin to measure the amount of joy she brings to our lives. Some days are difficult and frustrating, and DH and I definitely have to work harder to make time for "just us" than we did before, and there are plenty of times when I wish I could just have a childfree weekend with DH (I have had a few without him). But on balance, it has been a really wonderful decision in our lives.
Post by Willis Jackson on Oct 21, 2012 9:44:47 GMT -5
I'll echo what Carmen said about making personal improvements.
We eat healthier because we're feeding the kids, too. I started exercising to lose the baby weight. We volunteer more because we want to be a good example and get the kids involved in the community. I could go on and on.
I've also rediscovered my love of coloring and swinging on a swingset.
These responses give me some hope . Not that I currently hate my life but it is a lot of drudgery right now. Hopefully some of our friends start having babies soon or we make some friends with baby people.
Honestly I was a wreck and a half the first 3 months. My life was in chaos and my most common automatic thought was "What have I done?" Things got better when she started going to bed around the same time every night at 2, 2.5 months, and sleeping longer stretches around 3.5-4 months. By 6 months when we did Ferber and she got up to 12 hours a night at a stretch, we really hit our stride and felt like we finally had our shit together again.
I was frankly kind of afraid to TTC #2 because I feel like we have a great thing going right now; DD can do so much for herself and we're very comfortable and happy with our status quo. Do we really want to eff it all up with a newborn again? I'm still nervous about it, but having lived through it once I know how quickly that newborn will grow and how much better we will feel once the dust settles.
These responses give me some hope . Not that I currently hate my life but it is a lot of drudgery right now. Hopefully some of our friends start having babies soon or we make some friends with baby people.
Honestly we're just now starting to get out of the drudgery. For the first several months I felt more of an obligation to care for DS than a love and excitement. Now, he's SO much more fun to be around and we've finally sat down, outlined why we weren't happy, and are making efforts to change it. I feel like next year we'll get to the point where we'd be bored if we didn't have him-right now he'd get very little out of a lot of excursions, but I'm very much looking forward to next year when he can walk, etc.
These responses give me some hope . Not that I currently hate my life but it is a lot of drudgery right now. Hopefully some of our friends start having babies soon or we make some friends with baby people.
dude it gets so much better when they start to smile, laugh, and interact with you.
Ditto pretty much everything uncharch7 has said. DD is 11 months and our lives are very different with her. We used to be pretty lazy and lounge around, or go to breweries, out to eat, etc. Until very recently, most of DD's care still felt like drudgery to me. We are just starting to hit our stride and have made the leap to attempting excursions with DD. I think a big part of it is that she is finally able to function without 1983897 naps each day.
I would probably still be working - in at least a part time capacity. We would travel a ton more than we do now...I think that would be the main difference. We finally have the $$ to do decent trips but the only one who can watch DS is 4 hours away (my dad).
These responses give me some hope . Not that I currently hate my life but it is a lot of drudgery right now. Hopefully some of our friends start having babies soon or we make some friends with baby people.
If there is a Mothers and More in your area, I highly recommend joining.
Mrsstarry - it's sooo hard in the beginning. It gets so much easier over time. Sttn, & regular schedules help a ton. I also agree w pugz. Once they start interacting with you it's like all the drudgery has a giant payoff.
my life is 1000000x time different with DS (5.5 months). Less sleep, much more planning to do even something like going to the grocery store, schedules, etc.
We feel very blessed and fulfilled having our son, but we certainly miss some of the carefree pre-kid days too! We just booked a holiday for next May to Germany without him, and its a lot of work trying to plan childcare for him, and I have some anxiety about leaving him behind.
I think when he's a bit older it might get easier in some regards, but harder in others!
YES> I can't fucking do anything by myself without asking another adult "permission" by virtue of being a SAHM who needs someone else to "take over" for me when I go somewhere.
My lifestyle actually basically blows right now. I should add that my DH has a job that makes it virtually impossible for him to share childcare duties in any sort of even capacity. I get no downtime.
Children - especially in the first few years - take up most of your time and attention.
Post by Mrs.Syntax on Oct 21, 2012 15:43:35 GMT -5
I feel like we (parents of young children) are putting in a lot of grunt work now, but will have awesome payout when they're older. At least, that's what I keep telling myself ;D I am enjoying myself but it's not always easy, and I know the first few months with a NB and a toddler will probably be hell but it can only get better from there.
Yes my life would be different. I'd be working full-time & maybe travel a bit more--I don't really love traveling though & I LOATH flying, especially without my kids to distract me from my anxiety & fear. So jet setting isn't exactly my cup of tea anyway. I'd watch more TV & lay around a lot...especially since we'd have more money to hire out cleaning, yardwork, eat out more, etc. I can be pretty lazy if not obligated to things. I like my profession but have never loved working or any of my full-time jobs. I would not be a work-a-holic. I like fixing up houses but ven with kids we were on our 3rd house in less than 7yrs--how much more fixing can we do? We worked really hard (fixing & selling/renting homes) to be able to get our hands on a nice big single family home in an amazing urban neighborhood in the city I love. We'd probably worked a lot less hard & be content with a small home or condo in the city (this is my dream hood kids, or not). God knows we would not have spent so many nights & weekends slaving away making our homes nice out of guilt (baby's coming, kid needs a nice yard, etc). DH & I were never super social butterflies & DH hates networking...so parties & gtg would still be rare & way less appreciated than now. We just went our first year without a major event--a move, job change, baby, remodel, etc. in 12yrs of being together & it was boring as Hell & that was with 3 kids....so we have making 2013 another year of change We better figure out some other way to make life challenging & exciting because we can't keep having babies & moving forever...LOL! As an adult I've always lived a pretty stressful, busy life & it must be because I like it that way. I really want for nothing materially, nor do my children--yes more money (weekly housekeeper!) would be nice but I don't feel like I've sacrificed diddly of what I wanted to have (lots!) of kids. Now I look forward to little life events--the kids starting school, starting HS, them getting first communion, first sleepovers, prom, college shopping, them getting married, etc. If I was kid-less...I am pretty sure DH & I would have a single focus & that'd be on retiring (trying to do so early probably)--which honestly is about the furthest thing from my mind now.
Post by zeewifeandmama on Oct 21, 2012 22:11:57 GMT -5
Hmmmm ....well, we'd get more sleep/ have more free time for sure. That's a given. Also, we may have more organized house. Monetarily, we lived on one salary for a few years before I became a sahm, and since then MH has had two promotions. So, we are in a better position there. I think if we didnt have the kids, me and my h would have done a huge cross country move and not looked back. But, with the kids we need to be cautious and think of the big picture. All in all our life would be pretty dull in most aspects
My life is less spontaneous than it used to be, but I still feel like I manage to take advantage of living in a big city.
I have a lot of friends who are currently leaving NYC because they feel like their kids don't leave them enough time to really enjoy the city. I honestly have a hard time imagining what I would do with DD (and hypothetical kid # 2 since we're TTC) if we didn't have a big city to entertain us.
Sure, it's different- but it's what we expected it to be. DH and I knew we wanted kids right away - and we knew we wanted this type of life - family life being most important.... we're happiest when we're all home together having fun as a family- so we don't care that we are not out doing awesome things all the time now... b/c we'd rather be home together more - and do awesome stuff now and then
Very different. With not kids we'd be living in Manhattan for sure. We now live about 30 mins out from midtown. We had a lot more flexibility prior to kids. I used to workout at night, see friends etc. e used to take big vacations too. I don't do any of that now. I love my kids and certainly feel like my life is more purposeful but we have a lot less freedom.