Sometimes I have to bite my tongue off

[achase123]

I have to keep reminding myself that everyone learns lessons at their own pace. That being said, I want to bite my tongue off every time I talk to my coworker.

She has a ten MO and she's completely overwhelmed at work. Her DD is not STTN yet and she's been having anxiety attacks because she's so stressed out. Her husband (who's five years younger than her and, by my assessment, incredibly immature) wants to TTC baby #2 starting in the fall. His reasoning: he wants the kids to be close together like he and his siblings were.

I guess it doesn't matter that his wife is practically at her breaking point and that they fight every.single.day (based on what she shares with me). It's always a great idea to throw another baby in the mix of all that.

I just listen and nod. I suggested counseling and she said he refuses to go. It's so hard to not say anything when you can see just how bad things are and that they will only get worse if they continue as they are.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but mainly to vent that it's really difficult to keep quiet about it all.

[doriswe]

Is she open to going to counseling alone? She sounds like she could really benefit from a listening ear and possibly some helpful advice from a professional.
And he sounds like a douche!

[wrathofkuus]

I don't even understand how what should be "I get that you want your kid to have things a certain set way, but I'm overwhelmed and not ready for another. No." develops into fighting. How much can a person fight with you if you just repeat this, and eventually just the no, over and over?

[achase123]

May 22, 2012 15:17:05 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Is she open to going to counseling alone? She sounds like she could really benefit from a listening ear and possibly some helpful advice from a professional.
And he sounds like a douche!

She is WAY into counseling which is great and she goes once a week. Honestly, I think her main problem is him and what a douche he is. He reminds me of XH (minus the cheating/drug addiction). He is so incredibly immature. Apparently she wasn't happy with the toilets being dirty so he declared "fine, I'll never clean EVER again!"

I think the pressuring her for kids/more kids thing really hits home for me because that was what XH did. It's such a sign of manipulation and control.

[achase123]

May 22, 2012 15:18:03 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I don't even understand how what should be "I get that you want your kid to have things a certain set way, but I'm overwhelmed and not ready for another. No." develops into fighting. How much can a person fight with you if you just repeat this, and eventually just the no, over and over?

I think the problem is she isn't being THAT clear. She's wavering and I asked her why. She said because she's getting older (she's only 30) and, IMO, she's doing everything she can to keep the peace and make him happy. I could be wrong though, that's just the impression I get.

[audg]

May 22, 2012 15:20:33 GMT -5 achase123 said:

May 22, 2012 15:18:03 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I don't even understand how what should be "I get that you want your kid to have things a certain set way, but I'm overwhelmed and not ready for another. No." develops into fighting. How much can a person fight with you if you just repeat this, and eventually just the no, over and over?

I think the problem is she isn't being THAT clear. She's wavering and I asked her why. She said because she's getting older (she's only 30) and, IMO, she's doing everything she can to keep the peace and make him happy. I could be wrong though, that's just the impression I get.

Hopefully she'll take your advise and think twice before TTC baby #2. Are you close enough to tell her she's nuts for even thinking about having another baby at this point? Does she know any of your story? Would it be feasible for you to drop little hints like "sounds like things my XH would say to me" .. just to try and open her eyes a little?

[wrathofkuus]

25 and 30 is a pretty big age difference these days, IMO.

[achase123]

May 22, 2012 15:24:35 GMT -5 audg said:

May 22, 2012 15:20:33 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I think the problem is she isn't being THAT clear. She's wavering and I asked her why. She said because she's getting older (she's only 30) and, IMO, she's doing everything she can to keep the peace and make him happy. I could be wrong though, that's just the impression I get.

Hopefully she'll take your advise and think twice before TTC baby #2. Are you close enough to tell her she's nuts for even thinking about having another baby at this point? Does she know any of your story? Would it be feasible for you to drop little hints like "sounds like things my XH would say to me" .. just to try and open her eyes a little?

I've said subtle things like "it sounds like you guys really need to work on communication, I think counseling would be a good idea, etc." I know she told him that he reminded her of my XH and he FLIPPED. Truth is he's precisely like my XH in a lot of ways, mostly in the refusal to have an adult relationship with open communication. Even his way of brushing things aside as if they'll just be "worked out somehow" is very similar. Things don't just work themselves out unless both people are willing to develop the necessary skills to work together.

I worry for her but she has to figure out her own path. I'm definitely close to her but I cannot fathom saying "hey, it looks like you're charging straight ahead into a path of destruction with this douche of a guy if you continue this way". I honestly can't see good things ahead for them and I really wish she'd at least put her foot down about having another child, but it's also her life and she has to figure it all out.

[achase123]

May 22, 2012 15:29:24 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

25 and 30 is a pretty big age difference these days, IMO.

Especially the mid-twenties versus thirties. I'm completely different today than I was five years ago.

[wrathofkuus]

Yeah. Just a few more years makes a difference. I don't see much difference between myself and people who are 28ish, but just a few years ago it was a huge gap with these very same people.

[stephbfan]

May 22, 2012 16:49:23 GMT -5 achase123 said:

May 22, 2012 15:29:24 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

25 and 30 is a pretty big age difference these days, IMO.

Especially the mid-twenties versus thirties. I'm completely different today than I was five years ago.

I have always thought that I made a lot of choices when I was 25 that now, at almost 30, think they are pretty stupid. I got pregnant at 25 so I thought that having a kid made me grow up though.

Why do you think the guy reminds you of super douche?

[achase123]

May 22, 2012 17:09:49 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

May 22, 2012 16:49:23 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Especially the mid-twenties versus thirties. I'm completely different today than I was five years ago.

I have always thought that I made a lot of choices when I was 25 that now, at almost 30, think they are pretty stupid. I got pregnant at 25 so I thought that having a kid made me grow up though.

Why do you think the guy reminds you of super douche?[/quote]

Mostly because of the immaturity.

When she met him he was trimming weed for a living. I'm not kidding. So it's like he's been a "project" from the beginning to turn him into someone that she could actually be with. She made him quit that job and do something respectable, and legal. I think he struggles with this because all of his buddies live the good life on "easy money".

It seems like he doesn't know how to communicate at all. Things that should be discussed and delt with are blown up into a huge deal.

Mostly I think it reminds me of my exact situation, in a lot of ways. She's moving at a faster pace though. Basically someone who isn't quite right wanted to marry me (and her) and we were so afraid of being alone and not finding someone that we settled for a less than stellar guy and hoped we'd change him. We all know how my situation turned out.