WWYD: Men and their inappropriate relationships

[ttt]

I think it's a sign that he's nostalgic, he's probably experiencing some "OMG I'm about to commit to one single woman for the rest of my life", and if he's 40ish, he may be also looking for some affirmation of "yeah women still want me" from an attractive woman who isn't his fiancee.

None of which mean he's cheating or will cheat, but it does indicate some degree of immaturity and insecurity IMO.

[Deleted]

Skeevy douche and she needs to DTMFA! I don't care that he's all ooooh, love of my life. He obviously needs to relive his glory days. The only thing that stopped him here was homegirl's refusal to engage. He's gross and she can do better.

::gavel::

[ttt]

Also, that he's probably pretty crappy with women if he didn't get the hint that this woman was not interested in reliving anything.

[twotrue]

I wouldn't take it as a sign of anything other than him just wanting to recall what appears to be a fun moment for him. I'm a super jealous person so I would read in to it and agonize for days but I don't suggest others to the same.

[druidp]

I think she should drop his ass for being stupid. Brother needs to get to some more bars if he needs to brush up on a brush off THAT badly.

[kmpls]

Umm sounds like a cheater. Not that conversation but I think you are either the type to step outside a relationship or not.
He sounds like the stepping type. I wouldn't want to marry him.

[broc]

May 11, 2012 10:39:38 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

May 11, 2012 10:33:09 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Skeevy douche and she needs to DTMFA! I don't care that he's all ooooh, love of my life. He obviously needs to relive his glory days. The only thing that stopped him here was homegirl's refusal to engage. He's gross and she can do better.

::gavel::

I feel like my perspective has been completely skewed by another friend of mine whose husband is actually presently having an unapologetic affair and claiming he can't stop because he's bipolar. And *that* friend is letting him get away with it. So when I hear that this friend's FI was flirting with a completely unreceptive audience on FB, I'm kinda like, "Well, it could be worse. A lot worse."

Just because something could be worse doesn't mean what's going on should be tolerated. Being a paraplegic is better than being a head in a jar, but that doesn't mean I'd willingly sign up to be one for the rest of my life.

[Muddled]

May 11, 2012 10:39:38 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

May 11, 2012 10:33:09 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Skeevy douche and she needs to DTMFA! I don't care that he's all ooooh, love of my life. He obviously needs to relive his glory days. The only thing that stopped him here was homegirl's refusal to engage. He's gross and she can do better.

::gavel::

I feel like my perspective has been completely skewed by another friend of mine whose husband is actually presently having an unapologetic affair and claiming he can't stop because he's bipolar. And *that* friend is letting him get away with it. So when I hear that this friend's FI was flirting with a completely unreceptive audience on FB, I'm kinda like, "Well, it could be worse. A lot worse."

Really?? I guess one person's bad is not always another's, but just because my friend has a super shitty marriage doesn't mean I want just a shitty one.

I think your friend has deduced correctly. She can't trust him. What else does she need to know?

[ttt]

Well, his apparent lack of skill with women and leaving his facebook chat open is also a sign that he'd never be slick enough to actually get away with an affair. So there's that.

[whitepicketfence]

He definitely crossed the line. I wonder how far he would have taken it if the old flame didn't brush him off. I don't know that I'd call off the wedding completely at this point, but I'd absolutely put it on hold and reevaluate the relationship.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 10:39:38 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I feel like my perspective has been completely skewed by another friend of mine whose husband is actually presently having an unapologetic affair and claiming he can't stop because he's bipolar. And *that* friend is letting him get away with it. So when I hear that this friend's FI was flirting with a completely unreceptive audience on FB, I'm kinda like, "Well, it could be worse. A lot worse."

Oh it can worse, with that I agree. However, it seems likehte reason why it's not worse or headed for worse is because she didn't respond. The fact that he is 41 and this can't possibly be the only chica he's dropped trou with means there are just that many more possibilities for some other chick to respond in kind, kwim?

Dude has an issue with boundaries. I'd be worried about marrying a dude who depends on other people to engage or not engage with him. Also, this woman clearly ignored his comments more than once and yet he persisted.

Also, I'm skeeved out by a man who knows the woman he's talking to is married and yet has no qualms about not so subtly hinting around a sexual encounter. Even if dude was single this would be douchey behavior.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 10:45:59 GMT -5 ttt said:

Well, his apparent lack of skill with women and leaving his facebook chat open is also a sign that he'd never be slick enough to actually get away with an affair. So there's that.

Which just ups the humiliation factor when his new piece shows up on my lawn with a baby under her shawl.

[marie427]

Talking to an old flame doesn't make me uncomfortable, but if H was talking to an old flame the way this guy is, THAT would make me uncomfortable. Saying "I shouldn't have let you go" or whatever is crossing a line for me, big-time.

[emilyj]

May 11, 2012 10:46:18 GMT -5 whitepicketfence said:

He definitely crossed the line. I wonder how far he would have taken it if the old flame didn't brush him off. I don't know that I'd call off the wedding completely at this point, but I'd absolutely put it on hold and reevaluate the relationship.

This is where I am. If she had been receptive, would they be in a hotel getting it on right now? Is he going to contact another old flame and try again? I don't know if I'd be immediately calling the marriage off, but I'd be having a serious talk, reevaluating and probably doing some counseling.

[Muddled]

May 11, 2012 10:45:59 GMT -5 ttt said:

Well, his apparent lack of skill with women and leaving his facebook chat open is also a sign that he'd never be slick enough to actually get away with an affair. So there's that.

Hmmm... Yeah. If I had to choose between a man who I knew I would catch in a lie or a man who I was able to trust not to lie to me, I'm totally going for the first one.

[broc]

May 11, 2012 10:45:59 GMT -5 ttt said:

Well, his apparent lack of skill with women and leaving his facebook chat open is also a sign that he'd never be slick enough to actually get away with an affair. So there's that.

IME, skeevy dudes are like roaches. If you see one douchebag thing he's done, there's a million waiting in the walls.

I just made my own skin crawl. Fuck bugs.

[Deleted]

From a male point of view, complementing her is simply standard procedure - men learn to compliment women, or they don't have any women to talk to lol. So I would say that was innocent. And it seems like they had some sort of physical relationship. And men like to think back on those. Especially men who are about to stop having any new physical relationships.
There is a chance that he is a cheating cheaterton of course, so she should be cautious.
But personally, I think its more likely he is just enjoying talking to someone he boned a while back, perhaps needing reassurance that he's still "wanted". Its not a good thing, its just a thing.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 10:54:12 GMT -5 broc said:

May 11, 2012 10:45:59 GMT -5 ttt said:

Well, his apparent lack of skill with women and leaving his facebook chat open is also a sign that he'd never be slick enough to actually get away with an affair. So there's that.

IME, skeevy dudes are like roaches. If you see one douchebag thing he's done, there's a million waiting in the walls.

I just made my own skin crawl. Fuck bugs.

I hate you for this visual. Hate.

[Deleted]

Also, do I have this right that we are presuming a one night stand here? So he's getting moon calf eyes for a chick he wasn't even in a relationship with?

This reads like a man who will say whatever he has to to get some play.

[heyjude]

Crossed the line. But how he responds to this dictates what she should do next.

[ringstrue]

I honestly just don't know. They could have a talk - but what would that do? Make him prove he wants to be monogamous?

I will say this - yes - if he wants to cheat, he will cheat. But he didn't cheat, and he didn't say he wanted to. Fwiw, if he wanted to be inappropriate, he could have sad a LOT more than just that. He could have said "I wanna do you right now!" , kwim? But he didn't.

I really hesitate to get into the "what ifs". I mean, ok, what if she WAS responsive? Would they have had online sex? maybe, maybe not.

The whole bit DOES skeeve me out. I was actually on the other end of a similar FB convo I had with a 10+ year old ex a while back. He wouldn't stop talking about the past being "so great" (it wasn't but whatever). But he was in the middle of a divorce and had a 2 year old girl so i just let him spew/vent and that was the end of it.

How long have they been together? Are they getting pre-marital counseling? Has he cheating on any exes? I think those are more important than this convo, honestly.

[Muddled]

May 11, 2012 10:54:30 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

May 11, 2012 10:44:33 GMT -5 Muddled said:

Really?? I guess one person's bad is not always another's, but just because my friend has a super shitty marriage doesn't mean I want just a shitty one.

I think your friend has deduced correctly. She can't trust him. What else does she need to know?

No, that's not what I mean. I just mean that it seems like a lot of my friends are having really craptastic times in their marriages, so this sounds pretty harmless to me. But I'm wondering if that's just because I'm seeing some other people go through things that are just truly, truly heinous.

You are right in that other people have gone through worse, but that doesn't make something of a lesser degree acceptable all the sudden.

In your place, I would tell my friend to trust her gut.

[msmerymac]

This wouldn't be a DTMFA situation for me. It does show a little immaturity and possible signs of a willingness to cheat. Which means it should be confronted and she needs to make it clear to him that it's not tolerated. Most likely, they need to go to counseling. I wouldn't cancel the wedding, but I'd evaluate his reaction and willingness to work on the issues.

I will say that there's such a thing as harmless flirting, IMO. But flirting with someone you've dated or slept with is not harmless, ever.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 10:49:52 GMT -5 marie427 said:

Talking to an old flame doesn't make me uncomfortable, but if H was talking to an old flame the way this guy is, THAT would make me uncomfortable. Saying "I shouldn't have let you go" or whatever is crossing a line for me, big-time.

This is how I'd feel about it. I would be very unhappy with how he was talking to her but I wouldn't necessarily assume that he was cheating or even that he wanted to cheat. But I would probably require him to stop talking to her.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

My first instinct is that I think he would've pushed for it to go in the wrong direction if she was actually open to it.
What is their relationship like outside of this? Does she trust him? Do they have the kind of relationship where they have each other's passwords and such? Is there anything else going on that is giving her reservations? What caused her to want to read the chat session?

[Deleted]

I read somewhere once that a man can finish a relationship and get into a new one within the space of a heartbeat, but he never really gets over anyone. A women takes ages to get over a relationship, but once they are over it, they are always over it.

I don't know if its true, its just one of those things that I think about sometimes.

[curmudgeon]

I'm team Reeve here. Dude is about to commit to one woman for forever, seems like a normal time to be reflecting on the past.

It may be insecurity, but from time to time I get sentimental about some of my exes, none of whom I would trade DH to be with.

She should probably talk to him, then decide what she wants to do about the wedding. IMO, the worst thing she could do at this point is get married provided he not talk to this woman again, that seems like a recipe for forcing a sneaky, lying dynamic.

[eddy]

All I can say is I would be questioning my husband's intentions big time if he was this guy in the situation.

[Daria Morgandorffer]

This would bother me.

But then again, I'm generally cynical and untrusting.

[pescalita]

This would bother me big time, but I'm trying to put my finger on just why. I think what would upset me most is finding out that he needs validation from other women. I understand what Reeve is saying, but I've been in the same relationship since age 18, so that kind of "I miss playing around" thing isn't really present for us. I could see someone who's had more relationships being more willing to let this slide.