Post by starrieskies on Nov 8, 2012 13:46:48 GMT -5
Taking DS to daycare this morning, I mentioned to him that his dad was going to be picking him up today so I could go grocery shopping, and I did not get the response I was expecting. Normally, DS would be excited for dad to pick him up because it doesn't happen often, but today he started crying and told me that he didn't want Dad to pick him up. When I asked him why he said, "I want you to pick me up today, Daddy's mean!"
It broke my heart! I know that he could just be upset because he got in trouble last night, but he's never said that before, and it makes me wonder what's been going on between the two of them and worry about their father/son relationship...
Mom's is this a normal toddler thing to say? I'm really having trouble focusing at work, because I can't stop thinking about it.
Do I need to just let this go as a "terrible 3's" thing, DS trying to manipulate me to get his way, or could this be a sign that there is something bigger going on? H and I will be talking about this when I get home tonight, but I'm not sure which way to approach it.
This is SOOOOOO a normal thing. DS has said that about me, about DH, even about his beloved granddad!! Someone gets upset w/ him? They are "mean" and he doesn't like them anymore!
Post by aliceinfairyland on Nov 8, 2012 13:57:07 GMT -5
What fuss said, coupled with what ECB said. My DS is two, and comes up with crazy things. Like telling everyone "daddy is going to pick me up today," when he wasn't. Or saying he was a rooster for Halloween, when he was really a monkey. Kids say crazy shit.
But do YOU think your husband is mean to your son? Do you think there is more going on?
This is SOOOOOO a normal thing. DS has said that about me, about DH, even about his beloved granddad!! Someone gets upset w/ him? They are "mean" and he doesn't like them anymore!
What fuss said, coupled with what ECB said. My DS is two, and comes up with crazy things. Like telling everyone "daddy is going to pick me up today," when he wasn't. Or saying he was a rooster for Halloween, when he was really a monkey. Kids say crazy shit.
But do YOU think your husband is mean to your son? Do you think there is more going on?
this. I used to tell strangers that "my daddy chokes me like this!" complete with hands around neck and choking sounds. He had not, ever, in fact, choked me. lol
Post by starrieskies on Nov 8, 2012 14:08:22 GMT -5
I think H has unrealistic expectations for the behavior of a 3 year old sometimes. I think that H sometimes can be harsh, but not what I would consider mean in most cases, and on those rare occasions when I think it has gone too far, I say so. But I am careful not to try not to portray H as "the bad guy" to DS because I want to encourage a strong relationship with his dad.
What fuss said, coupled with what ECB said. My DS is two, and comes up with crazy things. Like telling everyone "daddy is going to pick me up today," when he wasn't. Or saying he was a rooster for Halloween, when he was really a monkey. Kids say crazy shit.
But do YOU think your husband is mean to your son? Do you think there is more going on?
this. I used to tell strangers that "my daddy chokes me like this!" complete with hands around neck and choking sounds. He had not, ever, in fact, choked me. lol
OMG your parents must have been pissed when they found out.
Once, we were driving to the beach, my brother and I put up a sign in the back window that said "HELP!!!". My mom asked if we knew why everyone was honking at her. Um... no... She found the sign when we got to the motel. She was livid.
OK now I would like an example of going too far. I don't think it's bad to have high expectations of kids at every age, but you need to be sympathetic to their true abilities at the same time.
I'm also curious why you feel like it's YOUR job to help encourage a strong relationship between DS and your H. Isn't that his job?
Post by starrieskies on Nov 8, 2012 14:13:13 GMT -5
I'm not going to lie though, H and I have had "anger issues" in the past and although counseling has made a big difference, I'm probably a little hypersensitive to these things because of that.
Have you ever seen him have anger at your son? (in a dangerous way, I dont mean like he lost his patience with him)
my kids call me mean all the time...and so do the kids in school...when a child doesnt like you for the moment.,,,,they call you mean...its what they do
Have you ever seen him have anger at your son? (in a dangerous way, I dont mean like he lost his patience with him)
I wish I could say no, but yes, it has happened. He's never beaten DS, he's never been physically abusive toward him really, but he's thrown things, and broken things in anger. The last time this happened (that I know of) was a couple of months ago. I recognized that H was going past simply losing patience and I stepped in and sent DS to his room and H went to the garage and slammed stuff around for a good half hour. It scared DS. He didn't want to go anywhere near H for a while after that.
I've got a lot of things that I'm trying to work through personally that I'm not ready to talk about yet, and quite frankly I'm not sure that our marriage is going to survive when it's all said and done. I would like very much to know that if it comes to that, DS will be in a loving environment when he's with his dad.
I get that calling people mean is a pretty typical kid thing, but DS has never really flat out said "he's mean". He tends to say things like "I'm not being your best friend anymore." I was startled by his sudden change in verbiage I guess.
Sounds like a little bit of reality mixed in with toddler manipulation.
Do you trust that if you hadn't been there to intervene that your DH wouldn't have hurt DS or done his slamming around in front of him? From the last post - I don't blame DS for thinking he's mean. Sorry, but that behavior would frighten me as an adult - as a 3 year old that would terrify me.
Well a lot of kids say their parents are mean for lots of reasons including many of the examples given here. But throwing and breaking things and totally losing control and is terrifying for a small child, especially from one of his parents. And it's emotionally abusive.
So yeah. Your H needs to nut up, get help, and make changes before he finds himself living alone in Supervised-Visitation-ville.
I realize you don't want to go into detail but just to clarify, when you say "our" anger issues, do you mean his, or both of yours?
I realize you don't want to go into detail but just to clarify, when you say "our" anger issues, do you mean his, or both of yours?
Mostly his. I don't want it to look like I think he's the devil, and I'm perfect. I know that we are both to blame in some capacity. But the way we express our anger is very different. I tend to bottle up my anger, whereas sometimes I feel like H doesn't know how to express any negative emotion without yelling. Counseling has helped, but I still find myself bracing for the next explosion.
I realize you don't want to go into detail but just to clarify, when you say "our" anger issues, do you mean his, or both of yours?
Mostly his. I don't want it to look like I think he's the devil, and I'm perfect. I know that we are both to blame in some capacity. But the way we express our anger is very different. I tend to bottle up my anger, whereas sometimes I feel like H doesn't know how to express any negative emotion without yelling. Counseling has helped, but I still find myself bracing for the next explosion.
If that is how YOU as an adult feels - imagine how it feels to a THREE YEAR OLD. I don't want to be mean - but yeah, there's a serious issue here.
To me it sounds like your bottling thing up is more in response to being married to an emotionally volatile and abusive person, and not so much of your own issues in and of themselves. It doesn't sound like they are at all comparable in magnitude, so don't use it to discount the severity of what he's serving up to you both.
Maybe you are looking to your son's actions in this case to finally prod you to do something more about this situation. Because it really sounds sucky.
Post by starrieskies on Nov 8, 2012 15:16:50 GMT -5
I know that the anger is a serious issue and it is one that we have addressed, and as I said counseling has helped. Truthfully, I'm not sure if I've relaxed emotionally since before DS was born. The anger has been less of an issue since before we had DS, and when H does get angry it's pretty short lived and much milder than in the past, but I find myself on edge for days after.
HS, I know your frustrated with the vagueness here. There are simply somethings that I'm not ready to talk about yet. I promise someday I will spill it all, and you'll all probably want me to STFU, but I'm not there yet.
Maybe you are looking to your son's actions in this case to finally prod you to do something more about this situation. Because it really sounds sucky.
Truthfully, I was kind of hoping you would all tell me I was freaking out over nothing, and that this was completely normal kid behavior. I wanted to ignore the elephant.
All this info changes my answer. Kids are way more perceptive than we give them credit. Even if your DH hasn't blown up in a couple weeks, how has been with DS lately? Kids pick up on tone and attitude, whether it's directed at you or him. You say you're bracing for the next blow up, which sounds like things have not been that great most recently.
And I get that kids can be frustrating and get into trouble, but to warrant yelling, slamming and throwing things around?? Hell no! He needs to get that in check pronto!
Oh starries, this sounds like a difficult situation. I agree w/ Fuss. You may be bottling things up because you don't feel like you have a safe place in your marriage to express yourself and your feelings. Is your husband in individual counseling? Are you? Have you just gone to marital counseling?
Having to step in because your husband is throwing shit and trudging around scaring the piss out of a three year old is, to put it mildly, problematic.
This isn't manipulation. This is your kid telling you something.
Maybe you are looking to your son's actions in this case to finally prod you to do something more about this situation. Because it really sounds sucky.
Truthfully, I was kind of hoping you would all tell me I was freaking out over nothing, and that this was completely normal kid behavior. I wanted to ignore the elephant.
Truthfully, I think your heart and your mind are in something of a tug-of-war here. Please try to listen to you heart, because your mind has been busy trying to rationalize a lot of things (see the subject of this post) away.
This isn't manipulation. This is your kid telling you something.
This.
I know you said you're not ready to talk about everything going on. But perhaps it's time to talk about what DS said to someone else, like a counselor or a lawyer.
If you think that your son could be telling the truth and you know that your H has major issues, then WHY are you leaving him alone with him?I wont even go into your whole mess of a marriage and what it is obviously doing to your son,
Post by starrieskies on Nov 8, 2012 16:27:40 GMT -5
He did some anger management counseling, but the therapist he saw decided that he was ok after a few sessions (obviously I disagree), but H has refused to see anyone else. We did marriage counseling prior to having DS and things improved, but I think after having DS and the adjustments required when having a child things have started sliding.
I think H tends to be hard on DS, and expects him to behave at a level that he's just not developmentally capable of. Tantrums are part of toddler territory IMO, H disagrees. He thinks I'm too easy on him. I can honestly say that most of the time H disciplines him it's warranted, but I don't always agree with how he does it. Most of the time it's fine and done in a manner that we agreed upon prior to TTC, but everyonce in a while H verges into abusive territory (God, that's hard to write). Tensions have been high at home this week especially between myself and H, and I think maybe DS is picking up on that.
I haven't seen my therapist as much as I'd like to lately. My company changed insurance companies and the counseling benefits are not as good, so financially it's been harder to schedule so I've been trying to draw on the things that we've talked about in the past and do the best I can. I don't want to switch therapists because I really like and trust her and I don't want to start from square one with a new person.
I know this is a shitty situation you find yourself in, and you really want it to be some other way but... are you even thinking like you should put some kind of, uhhhh, time limit on how much longer you plan to stay married to someone who's abusive like that? Because going to anger management and saying he's all better ain't good enough. And there's nothing that you can do (or your DS for that matter) that will do the hard work he's not willing to do.
I think you're getting lip service and he has no intention of changing because he thinks he's right after all.