Hm..I need to talk I suppose...long

[liubotflittyfud]

Okay, most of you know my back story. Most of you know that I've been considered a trainwreck and I know I have been. Personally, I think I'm getting better, but I have relapses.

Okay quick back story for the newbies I guess: Codependent, almost divorced, lived with abusive BF who beat me and put me in the hospital about 2 months ago. I have depression and anxiety issues, on meds. Have been living alone since February bc XBF was out of the apartment, and been working on this crap. Went on a date with my ex boss, ended that shit quickly. Now have been man free.

Anyone remember the guy who was glued to my hip during the first black eye? Well we've stayed friends. ONLY friends.

He is my best friend's best. We've been hanging out and texting and just being friends. No big deal. Well last night I get a text from my BFF saying he's really been liking me since we met in March. He wants to ask me out but knows my situation and knows that I'm not ready due to just getting out of an abusive relationship.

He texts me today like normal to say hi and how is your day, etc. We made plans to take a little trip to the Crayola factory for our birthdays coming up because we're 3 days apart and we want to do something fun and mindless. So we talk about that stuff.

Well, I mentioned to him what BFF said in a nonchalant way of "oh so..L mentioned something to me yesterday" and he chimed right in and tells me that basically, yes he's into me and wants to ask me out but doesn't want to push my boundaries and invade my space and how do I feel?

And I tell him honestly. I don't know. I like him a lot as a friend and he makes me laugh more than most people do and I really really enjoy hanging out with him. But I DON'T KNOW. He says he understands and tells me that if I decide to cool, if not we stay the same way we are now.

Now I'm all sorts of fucked up on what to do. I do like him. He makes me smile and he's so sweet and nice and fun. But I'm not ready. I still have flashbacks of XBF beating the life from me. I'm terrified of being hurt emotionally and physically again.

Ah. End Vent.

[sparkles17]

Seriously, you never should have mentioned to him what your BFF told you. If you continue to hang out with him, who knows where things will lead and you need to be as far away from a relationship as humanly possible.

[wrathofkuus]

He's trouble. I can smell it.

[liubotflittyfud]

May 23, 2012 12:44:54 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Seriously, you never should have mentioned to him what your BFF told you. If you continue to hang out with him, who knows where things will lead and you need to be as far away from a relationship as humanly possible.

I know. Part of me thinks I should just stay away from all people forever because nothing good comes this way. I will ruin everything for everyone because I'm not supposed to be intertwined with others. I'm not saying it because I feel bad about myself because I don't. But I am saying it because I hate the way every situation's outcome has been in the past 5 years. I'm bad luck.

[Deleted]

All that matters is that YOU need to be okay with YOU. My advice? Don't date just yet. Get therapy and just... do you. You may like him, but you said it yourself, "but I'm not ready."
And not being ready is a-okay. Just, cool you jets, be friends, and if/when this topic gets broached again and if at that time you feel more "ready", then by all means go for it.

And make sure you let this person know you aren't ready yet. Don't lead them on or avoid the conversation. Put it plainly. "I'm sorry, I appreciate your advances and I very much value your friendship, but after all that has happened, I am just not ready yet."

Just... be careful, okay? Trauma like you've been through takes time to get over and rushing into a relationship is NOT what you want to be doing until you are 100% that is what you want /can do.


And, I'm just going to put this out there, but not all men are trouble. Some are just stupid, some are nice, and some make you weak in the knees. Not all of them are fucked up, just like not all women are total bitches.

If your friends, and you are happy with that, I see no reason to end this friendship until it starts showing the signs of being bad for you, which from what you've said, it sounds like you guys like to hang out and he happens to have a thing for you. Just keep it friends.

[Deleted]

Things will never be the same now. It's not like he can just stop feeling something for you and if you decide not to pursue a relationship (which is best at this point) he'll be hurt and they dynamic has shifted. Also why would you betray your BFF's confidence like that?

[achase123]

Step away from the penis. Seriously. Be alone until you heal. Lather, rinse, and repeat every time something like this comes up before you're ready for a relationship.

[hoolygo]

I know this is a bit off topic. But remember when you told us that your XBF gave you a black eye and you said there had been absolutely no signs of it at all? Do you still stand by that statement? I seem to remember him grabbing you in the shower or something else when you guys had a fight before (and you were Liubot).

Anyway, on to your question. Why oh why did you even bring this up to him? I feel like your life was going too well, and you just had to insert some drama to mix things up. You should not get involved with this guy.

If he really is as awesome as you say he is, he deserves to be with someone who is in a much better place emotionally than you are. If you really think you could have a successful relationship with this guy, than you owe it to him and yourself to finish doing the work you need to do on yourself before getting involved with him romantically. You will destroy this relationship if you don't get yourself together before entering it.

[explorer2001]

You should tell him you aren't going to even consider dating until you have yourself straight. That you appreciate his friendship but it will be at least 9 months to a year before you will even consider dating. Then you should stick to it and focus on healing yourself, becoming confident and whole by yourself. Watch what he does. If he is friendly and supportive or responses badly (pressure to hurry your healing, upset that you aren't ready to be with him now, etc). Then respond appropriately, get rid of him if he isn't patient and supportive, if he is wait and he will be there when you are ok, even in a years time.

It worries me that he is acting as rescuer, creating a debt/control dynamic where you.owe him for helping you. Don't let it go there.

[Deleted]

May 23, 2012 13:09:48 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

You should tell him you aren't going to even consider dating until you have yourself straight. That you appreciate his friendship but it will be at least 9 months to a year before you will even consider dating. Then you should stick to it and focus on healing yourself, becoming confident and whole by yourself. Watch what he does. If he is friendly and supportive or responses badly (pressure to hurry your healing, upset that you aren't ready to be with him now, etc). Then respond appropriately, get rid of him if he isn't patient and supportive, if he is wait and he will be there when you are ok, even in a years time.

It worries me that he is acting as rescuer, creating a debt/control dynamic where you.owe him for helping you. Don't let it go there.

:Y:

[doriswe]

May 23, 2012 12:50:37 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Step away from the penis. Seriously. Be alone until you heal. Lather, rinse, and repeat every time something like this comes up before you're ready for a relationship.

This times a bazillion

[liubotflittyfud]

I explained to him the situation. He seems to get it for now. We'll see how it goes. I breached my BFF's trust because she told me bc she knew I would bring it up to him. I hate awkward silences and knowing something he's not telling me. Plus I guess he gave her the go to tell me because it opened the door. He's a little awkward and shy.

I needed to hear it from him so I asked. EH. I'm just going to be friends with him until I'm ready because I'm NOT READY.. I don't know when I will be? How will I know? Or is it one of those things that I'll just know?

[wrathofkuus]

Yeah, and didn't he seem to get it when you first met him and he latched onto you upon hearing that you were coming out of an abusive relationship?

[gozf]

Why did you need to hear it from him? Did you not trust your BFF's word? I'm with the others, I wouldn't have brought this up to him. Now it's out there, and it's awkward.

As far as knowing when you're ready, there's no formula. Are you still in therapy? This might be something good to explore with your therapist.

[udscoobychick]

May 23, 2012 13:09:48 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

You should tell him you aren't going to even consider dating until you have yourself straight. That you appreciate his friendship but it will be at least 9 months to a year before you will even consider dating. Then you should stick to it and focus on healing yourself, becoming confident and whole by yourself. Watch what he does. If he is friendly and supportive or responses badly (pressure to hurry your healing, upset that you aren't ready to be with him now, etc). Then respond appropriately, get rid of him if he isn't patient and supportive, if he is wait and he will be there when you are ok, even in a years time.

It worries me that he is acting as rescuer, creating a debt/control dynamic where you.owe him for helping you. Don't let it go there.

I agree with this. I also have a bad feeling in my gut about this guy because, as PP mentioned, he was all of a sudden all over you when you were RIGHT out of the abusive relationship. Healthy people are attracted to (and attract!) other healthy people. I would keep things very platonic for a year or so, and if he's still in the picture after that, take it VERY slowly.

Please don't think of yourself as bad luck or jinxed or anything like that--you need to heal, yes, but you're not bad luck.

Also, super jealous that you're going to the Crayola factory. Sounds like so much fun! That was always one of my favorite Mr. Rogers episodes!

[audg]

May 23, 2012 13:24:17 GMT -5 doriswe said:

May 23, 2012 12:50:37 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Step away from the penis. Seriously. Be alone until you heal. Lather, rinse, and repeat every time something like this comes up before you're ready for a relationship.

This times a bazillion

Ditto. But at least you recognize that you're not ready. That's a great step in the right direction. Follow that instict and if it's meant to be, it'll be. Don't rush into anything that you're not ready for just because you don't want to let a good guy get away. You're not ready yet. If you can remain friends with this guy without it getting sexual.. then by all means. If not, don't go there yet. You need time to yourself!

[gozf]

This post also confirms my suspicion that you live very near me.

[marynjoe]

This guy may not be a bad guy, but you're not ready for him yet. No dating. Get your life in order. See a therapist. Take care of you. Consider dating in a year or so. Let the next year be your year.

[sparkles17]

May 23, 2012 13:53:56 GMT -5 gozf said:

This post also confirms my suspicion that you live very near me.

Interesting. That would mean that you both live somewhat close to me as well.

[gozf]

May 23, 2012 13:55:59 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

May 23, 2012 13:53:56 GMT -5 gozf said:

This post also confirms my suspicion that you live very near me.

Interesting. That would mean that you both live somewhat close to me as well.

All of the sudden, this shit feels like Clue. May I be Mrs. White? I so enjoy Mrs White.



Someone who used to post on ML graduated from HS with my BF. It weirds me out. And I never told her because I was secretly afraid that maybe they had sex, and that would make me hate her, even though it's a ridiculous thing to hate someone for.

[wrathofkuus]

I think it's a totally reasonable thing to hate someone for, but I'm amused at the idea that there's a high probability that any female who went to hs with your bf had sex with him.

[gozf]

May 23, 2012 14:04:39 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I think it's a totally reasonable thing to hate someone for, but I'm amused at the idea that there's a high probability that any female who went to hs with your bf had sex with him.

It's completely absurd. I'm pretty sure he was a virgin until a few months after graduation. I'm just panicky and territorial!

I also assume that because I want to have sex with him, everyone else does too -- and I realize that's not the case, either.

Yes, I'm a little cuckoo.

[BookLover]

May 23, 2012 12:50:37 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Step away from the penis. Seriously. Be alone until you heal. Lather, rinse, and repeat every time something like this comes up before you're ready for a relationship.

Wise words!!! Couldn't agree more!

[heavenly]

May 23, 2012 12:36:43 GMT -5 @liubotflittyfud said:

Now I'm all sorts of fucked up on what to do. I do like him. He makes me smile and he's so sweet and nice and fun. But I'm not ready. I still have flashbacks of XBF beating the life from me. I'm terrified of being hurt emotionally and physically again.Ah. End Vent.

I would listen to yourself here. When you are at your healthy best, you will feel confident and opposite of "all sorts of fucked up". You have been through a lot and it may take awhile to heal. Just know that it is hard work to heal and if you take the easy way out, it can delay your healing process. If he is really into you, he will wait a long time but that should be the least of your concern.

Only you can free yourself from pain from within and that is no easy task, it is actully very brave to do.

[liubotflittyfud]

May 23, 2012 13:55:59 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

May 23, 2012 13:53:56 GMT -5 gozf said:

This post also confirms my suspicion that you live very near me.

Interesting. That would mean that you both live somewhat close to me as well.

And that would be where?

[blackkitty]

I don't understand the problem... why don't you just be friends with him? I mean, he wants more, so what? Just because a guy wants something doesn't mean you need to give it to him! As long as he isn't acting inappropriately toward him why not just be friends with him and leave it at that?

[gozf]

May 23, 2012 14:45:55 GMT -5 @liubotflittyfud said:

May 23, 2012 13:55:59 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Interesting. That would mean that you both live somewhat close to me as well.

And that would be where?

Without giving away too much, I'm also in PA (which we've both copped to in the past), and not too terribly far from the Crayola Factory

[starburst604]

May 23, 2012 14:46:34 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

I don't understand the problem... why don't you just be friends with him? I mean, he wants more, so what? Just because a guy wants something doesn't mean you need to give it to him! As long as he isn't acting inappropriately toward him why not just be friends with him and leave it at that?

I think she might have some trouble just staying in the friend zone with friends who have penises.

I think PP's have said everything there is to say. It sounds like you're on a good track right now, so keep with that. :Y:

[farfalla2011]

So, you've really gotten a lot of good advice. I think you just remaining friends with him isn't such a bad thing as long as it stays just that. Now, if he pressures you in anyway to make it more, I would suggest cutting your losses because as you've fully admitted, you aren't ready for that.

On another note...I want to say it sounds like you are making progress in the right direction. And I really am hoping it keeps up. And as scooby said...you aren't bad luck, you just aren't 100% healthy right now which is OK since you are working on it. Keep your head up!

[liubotflittyfud]

May 23, 2012 15:01:03 GMT -5 gozf said:

May 23, 2012 14:45:55 GMT -5 @liubotflittyfud said:

And that would be where?

Without giving away too much, I'm also in PA (which we've both copped to in the past), and not too terribly far from the Crayola Factory

Yeah Pa. I'm about 45 min from the area where Crayola is.