Money inequality between siblings

[partiallysunny]

I am very surprised at some of these answers!

[laigut]

My parents help my brother out all the time, sometimes it bothers me, but most of the time it makes me glad that I have my life instead of his. I would way rather be able to buy stuff when I need it rather than hope there is someone to help me out.

[laigut]

Also, if I had to rely of someone to help me out, even if it was my parents, I would always be worried how I would survive if that help ever ended.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 13:08:21 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

I am very surprised at some of these answers!

Yeah, me, too. LOL.

[far2529]

My maternal grandparents always favored my uncle's family with just about everything including money gifts. I always thought this decision had to do with the fact that my mom and dad did much better financially vs my uncle's family. The reality was that my grandparents approved of his career choice as a union laborer vs. my mom's decision to go to college. WTF. My parents have continued the tradition by favoring my brother over me. Much of this is likely related to the fact that my brother is a bit of a fuck up and I'm not. However, a small part of their financial support of him vs me is to punish me for moving 800 + miles away.

[ejpint]

I'm an only child, so maybe I don't have as much appreciation for this. I get it all! I don't think I would be bitter if a sibling got more than me if they needed it.

On the other hand, I can kind of relate. My ILs refused to give us any money for our wedding. Made some disparaging remarks (H was married very briefly before me) about not paying for "second, third and fourth" marriages, even though they didn't really contribute to his first wedding either.

At the same time, they were putting up his sister, then they later bought her a condo and had it completely remodeled for her. She's a single mom and earns $12/hour, so she totally needed help, but it was a little hard to swallow. No, we won't host the rehearsal dinner for your wedding, but we'll spend $100,000+ to buy a condo for your sister.

This probably bothers us more because she's spoiled and entitled and kind of horrible than because of the actual money. We can take our wedding out of the picture completely and it's still a touchy subject for the whole family.

[mrsjuleshs]

My mom does this with my brother. SHe has helped me out a TON before but not like him. He is almost 30 and he drives her old car and she still pays to get it fixed. He is always borrowing money from them.

[ufcasey]

I understand how the OP is somewhat bitter about the inequality. Just because she can afford to buy her own tires, doesn't mean she wouldn't like having her parents buy them for her like they do for her sibling.

My IL's routinely pay for things for my SIL and let her 'borrow' money (aka give her, because she never pays them back). Meanwhile my husband and I pay for everything ourselves. Do I want her life as a 40something year old woman who is single and living off the salary of a teacher? No. But would it be nice if they would pay for some things for us from time to time - I wouldn't decline it! I'm not bitter towards them, more like bitter towards her bc she generally sucks at life and I feel like she shouldn't be rewarded for her behavior. That's what it boils down to.

[noodleoo]

I think it also depends on how appreciative the sibling is for the help they are given. If they are super nice and appreciative about it, that's different then when the sibling is all entitled and treats the parents like crap.

[Deleted]

Two of us make a boatload more than the others and yep, they get lots of help. Meh, I would rather be me and handle my own shit.

[flygirl22]

Anyone making 1MIL complained about their parents not handing out money equally would get a serious side eye from me. I mean, really?

[heygrey]

count this as a reason why i like being an only child.

[megs193]

We have more money than my sil's so it doesn't bother me at all that my in-laws do things for them financially that they wouldn't do for us. The only thing that bugs me is that my mil is always too busy to spend time with our son but is never too busy to help my sil's out.

[KaraOrNot]

I get feeling annoyed, but ultimatly, it is their choice how they spend their money and life isn't fair.

[georgeharrison]

Financially, my parents do a lot more for my sister and her family than they do for us. My sister has 4 kids and is a SAHM and her husband makes just enough. So any extras (like braces) they need help with. I am glad that they are able to help her.

My parents do a lot for us that they don't do for her, though, since we live closer. They watch our son and treat us to dinner our sometimes.

[AllieHound]

The ILs contribute significantly more to my BIL and SIL than they do to H and I. It does get somewhat annoying- like, when H's grandfather died, they utilized the inheritance money to buy SIL a car, furnish BILs new house, and....took us out to dinner, once. It was a bit weird, especially because they made note that it was on gpa's inheritance. Just weird.

It used to bother H, until I mentioned that we don't talk finances with the ILs, and SIL asks them financial questions all the time, and BIL (although he makes more $ than H) complains about being broke all the time-- we aren't broke, and we don't talk about $ anyway, so I think we're kind of bringing the lack of generosity on ourselves. But I'd much prefer that than having the ILs all up in our business, so it evens out.

[DazeyDee]

My dh only recently (as in, 2 weeks ago) got a job after 2 years of unemployment, and I have been out of work for the past 8 months. My brother and his wife make close to 200k a year. My parents have helped us a ton in the past 8 months - grocery trips, randomly filling our tank with gas, loaning us money to buy a car outright so we would have a smaller payment. They do things to help my brother too, but we have been on the receiving end of a LOT more lately. I can't imagine it bothers my brother - big gifts are given equally, but I would feel terrible if he begrudged us a tank of gas now and then.

And to the person who said receiving help is embarrassing - they're right. It's not fun to be a grown-up, with a mortgage and a child, and have to ask for help. But without it, we wouldn't have survived the last year, so I'm incredibly grateful for it and it makes me sad to think it might upset my brother.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 12:18:54 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Think about how sad it is for them to have to rely on somebody else for new tires.

You can buy your own damn new tires. That's better.

Completely agree.

[milkrations]

BIL has been bailed out of financial messes by his parents many times. H has gotten nothing because he has not need bailing out. Neither H or I have a problem with this. I would rather be self-suficient than rely on others to support me.

[crazycakes]

I am so happy that DH and I are both only children sometimes.

[Deleted]

My parents gave my sister and her husband an apartment. Apparently it's "an investment" even though it's not in my parent's name anymore. Whatever. I have my own apartment and I'm proud to not need a hand out. My 28 year old brother lives at home. It's not equitable but really do I want my mother washing my underwear at this stage of my life? No, I do not.

[McGavin]

Miso, what if your grandma bought all those fabulous shoes for your brother but none for you?

[theintended]

Assuming the kid being gifted less money is stable and parents are trying to give a disadvantaged sibling a leg up, then the only reason to be upset is if you feel like you're entitled to your parents' money.

Judging a sibling for making shitty choices or preying on parents' generosity is a separate matter, though.

[rex]

If they aren't horrible to you, I don't think you should complain.

Do you really want to be dependent on parents? I wouldn't.

[pugz]

I would be irritated but not jealous. I would be irritated that they are enabling her to not be self-sufficient.

[chia]

This happens in DH's family, too... but, it's his brother giving money to his other siblings. In our case, BIL#1 probably makes at least 3X our household income. BIL#2 makes about 1/2 our HHI. BIL#3 probably makes 1/4 our HHI. BIL#1 also gives money to their Dad.

It doesn't irritate DH. We're very appreciative that he gives money to FIL, buys him plane tickets to come visit all of us, etc.

BIL#1 giving money to BIL#2/#3 sometimes irritates me a little, I'm not gonna lie. I think that one BIL#3 doesn't appreciate it. And, SIL#2 is a SAHM.

I'd love if he'd give us some money. ;D But, then I remember that we'd then be indebted to him (even though he wouldn't want anything in return...). They did hire a housecleaner for us once before a big party. I loved that. I wish they'd do that again!!!!

[dreamsofdesign]

May 11, 2012 18:15:52 GMT -5 pugz said:

I would be irritated but not jealous. I would be irritated that they are enabling her to not be self-sufficient.

This is how I feel as well. My ILs tend to do this with H's siblings - most of the time his sister. I predict that she will have extensive issues going forward because she is consistently bailed out of financial trouble that she gets herself into.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 18:02:16 GMT -5 McGavin said:

Miso, what if your grandma bought all those fabulous shoes for your brother but none for you?

She'd never do that because my brother makes a shitload of money. I'm the poor one.