Can someone please explain what the mom is doing that is hurtful to the OP? I don't get it.
Lying to everyone??
I don't know that I see the affair itself as "hurtful" for the fact that her marriage has been a lie for years. At least the OP wasn't surprised.
But yeah- the living a total lie all for 'appearances'? I can see how that would be hurtful. She's lying, keeping secrets, etc. It's going to have an impact- even put the affair aside. It's going to have an impact.
Can someone please explain what the mom is doing that is hurtful to the OP? I don't get it.
1. I think the comment to her friend about not enjoying the company when her daughter and her H were home is prbably very hurtful to her kids.
2. Having an affair with someone who will come up to your kid and make them uncomfortable like that.
3. Choosing to have an affair and keep up appearances on a failed marriage probably isn't helping.
I'm torn on this. I agree with your points above, but I don't think her parents are obligated to get a divorce and stop screwing around with other people just to keep the kids comfortable. And what her mother wrote was for one thing private, and for another not that bad. Who doesn't miss their freedom when family comes to stay?
The guy pulling that crap at his married lover's daughter's workplace is inappropriate and should be addressed. But if her parents prefer to pool resources, live apart, have affairs, and keep up appearances, that is their business and it shouldn't be considered whether this is what their daughters would like or not.
ETA: As a child of divorce, I say count your blessings. You'd have to visit them separately and navigate tricky holidays and family parties if they divorced. (mostly tongue in cheek )
Can someone please explain what the mom is doing that is hurtful to the OP? I don't get it.
Direct quote from the OP - "her bluntness and the contempt for family she seems to have make me really hurt and angry." And the sister is obviously hurt by the fact that her mom said she isn't enjoying her company. Not being snarky, but I don't really know how much more clearly the OP could have put it.
If my mom said something that was super hurtful to my sister, it would hurt me too. Do you not have siblings that you're close with? Family strife, even if it's just between two people, can affect everyone.
Can someone please explain what the mom is doing that is hurtful to the OP? I don't get it.
Direct quote from the OP - "her bluntness and the contempt for family she seems to have make me really hurt and angry." And the sister is obviously hurt by the fact that her mom said she isn't enjoying her company. Not being snarky, but I don't really know how much more clearly the OP could have put it.
If my mom said something that was super hurtful to my sister, it would hurt me too. Do you not have siblings that you're close with? Family strife, even if it's just between two people, can affect everyone.
To play devil's advocate, she didn't say it TO her sister. She said it to her friend via her facebook, and her sister snooped and read it. We are all entitled to bitch to our friends about our families.
For all you know, your father and mother may have agreed on an open relationship. Maybe I listen to too many Dan Savage podcasts, but it's possible that they are staying married for the reasons you mentioned but have decided mutually to date on the side.
Direct quote from the OP - "her bluntness and the contempt for family she seems to have make me really hurt and angry." And the sister is obviously hurt by the fact that her mom said she isn't enjoying her company. Not being snarky, but I don't really know how much more clearly the OP could have put it.
If my mom said something that was super hurtful to my sister, it would hurt me too. Do you not have siblings that you're close with? Family strife, even if it's just between two people, can affect everyone.
To play devil's advocate, she didn't say it TO her sister. She said it to her friend via her facebook, and her sister snooped and read it. We are all entitled to bitch to our friends about our families.
WTF. That doesn't make the sentiment any less hurtful.
To play devil's advocate, she didn't say it TO her sister. She said it to her friend via her facebook, and her sister snooped and read it. We are all entitled to bitch to our friends about our families.
WTF. That doesn't make the sentiment any less hurtful.
So if your mom (or my mom or anyone's mom) searched for their GBCN name and read all their posts and then confronted them, who would be wrong?
WTF. That doesn't make the sentiment any less hurtful.
So if your mom (or my mom or anyone's mom) searched for their GBCN name and read all their posts and then confronted them, who would be wrong?
That's irrelevant to my argument. I'm sure the 18-year-old could acknowledge that snooping in her mom's FB account was inappropriate, but that doesn't magically make her feelings unhurt about the situation.
All of these questions about who is hurt and why and whether they're entitled be hurt are irrelevant, and really kind of ridiculous. The OP clearly explained that they are already hurt. The only question is what to do from here.
Just because she snooped on FB that doesn't negate the fact that what your mom is doing is hurtful to the rest of your family.
Can someone please explain what the mom is doing that is hurtful to the OP? I don't get it.
She's keeping secrets from her family, lying to everyone, and inadvertantly put her daughter in an awkward situation that made her very uncomfortable. Also, as a result of everything going on, she's now got one daughter who is very distraught (even though she's partly to blame for her distress) and now everyone's going to be all awkward around each until some of this gets resolved.
Can someone please explain what the mom is doing that is hurtful to the OP? I don't get it.
Direct quote from the OP - "her bluntness and the contempt for family she seems to have make me really hurt and angry." And the sister is obviously hurt by the fact that her mom said she isn't enjoying her company. Not being snarky, but I don't really know how much more clearly the OP could have put it.
If my mom said something that was super hurtful to my sister, it would hurt me too. Do you not have siblings that you're close with? Family strife, even if it's just between two people, can affect everyone.
I guess I didn't see "contempt for her family" in the FB message that the sister read. I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around this one, but whatever, sounds like we will all have to agree to disagree on this one. While clearly that guy was inappropriate, I think sister learned an important lesson about why snooping is wrong and OP needs to MYOB and stay out of it.
1. I think the comment to her friend about not enjoying the company when her daughter and her H were home is prbably very hurtful to her kids.
2. Having an affair with someone who will come up to your kid and make them uncomfortable like that.
3. Choosing to have an affair and keep up appearances on a failed marriage probably isn't helping.
I'm torn on this. I agree with your points above, but I don't think her parents are obligated to get a divorce and stop screwing around with other people just to keep the kids comfortable. And what her mother wrote was for one thing private, and for another not that bad. Who doesn't miss their freedom when family comes to stay?
The guy pulling that crap at his married lover's daughter's workplace is inappropriate and should be addressed. But if her parents prefer to pool resources, live apart, have affairs, and keep up appearances, that is their business and it shouldn't be considered whether this is what their daughters would like or not.
ETA: As a child of divorce, I say count your blessings. You'd have to visit them separately and navigate tricky holidays and family parties if they divorced. (mostly tongue in cheek )
While her parents aren't obligated to do anything and can live their lives how they wish, I disagree they shouldn't at least consider how those decisions will affect their children, especially since they are dragged into this mess indirectly by having to keep up appearances (how could they not?)
I'm a child of divorce, and I'd much rather my parents be divorced than deal with this mess of a situation.
I feel very badly for everyone invilved in this whole situation.
Post by mollybrown on Nov 25, 2012 23:04:43 GMT -5
I personally would mind my own business with regard to your parents relationship. If you say something, think carefully about what outcome you are looking for, and if it's realistic. Do you want them to stop cheating and fall in love again? Do you want them to get divorced and be open with their choices? Do you want them just to be honest with you guys? If this arrangement is working for them, I don't know what talking to your mom would do.
I wouldn't mention the FB comments at all. Your sister had no business invading your mother's privacy that way, and her hurt feelings are the consequence. I can't see that conversation ending well, because your sister was wrong regardless of how old she is or how she feels. 18 is old enough to know that hacking into someone else's FB account is wrong. I would be hurt in her shoes too, but I don't think your mother should have to apologize for comments she made to a friend in private and your sister wouldn't have been privy to if she hadn't been snooping.
I WOULD mention the comments from the creepy contractor. It becomes your sister's problem when your mother's "friends" start making awkward comments to her daughter.
For all you know, your father and mother may have agreed on an open relationship. Maybe I listen to too many Dan Savage podcasts, but it's possible that they are staying married for the reasons you mentioned but have decided mutually to date on the side.
I would MYOB.
Agree. Your parents' relationship may not be what you want it to be, but it's their decision. As for your sister, I agree that she learned a valuable lesson. She may be a teenager but she's 18 and should be ready for adult life lessons. I'd comfort her and offer to be a sounding board, but would not vilify your mom.
parents are perpetuating falsehoods and lack of communication. this leads to daughter hearing something and then, instead of honestly discussing it with said parent, decides to snoop. then discovers falsehood and now both daughters are hurt and torn because they don't feel like they can confront their parents about something that does hurt them - how and why should they be expected to be part of this charade going forward?
mother is so self-absorbed that she can't stand a weekend with her own daughter and complains about it to her friend. I get that it's fun to have the weekend to yourself, but it sounds like she has tons of free time to schtup the help, so I'm sorry but get over your damn self and spend the weekend with your daughter who for some reason wants to be with you.
of course this is a totally dysfunctional dynamic and of course the parents' decisions and inability to be honest with their own daughters is perpetuating a total lack of honesty among the lot. daughters need to come clean to mom, give her the chance to apologize and make good. if mom still cares about being a mom, she'll feel bad and (while she may not divorce dad) will at least try to make amends with daughters. if mom is totally self-absorbed, she will get defensive and chastise daughter for snooping. then there will be solid proof mom has gone off the deep end in her quest for freedom.
My parents have been living as "friends" for quite a few years now (married and put on the loving married couple face for everyone, but are not in love, don't have intimate relations, and barely tolerate each other at home). My parents are all about appearances, so they haven't divorced for that reason and for financial reasons.
Earlier this year, my Dad took a job that keeps him out of state for 3 out of every 4 weeks, so they are often living apart.
Sounds like they may have an open marriage. Don't be surprised if your dad is doing the exact same thing. He just has the added "safety" of being in another state, away from watchful eyes.
Comfort your sister (she's 18, she's not going to "get" your mom griping about not having the house to herself for some time) and offer her your couch if you want.
For your mom... if your parents are in an open marriage, then that's their business. You could say something to your mom if you want. I'd go with the conversation that the contractor had with your sister. Be prepared for any reaction though. She might deny, she might change the subject, she may get defensive and angry, she might start talking to you like you're her BFF and you'll end up with way too much information about your mother's sex life.