DH basically said he's going back to drinking

[BioNerd]

Oh no. I am so sorry to hear this.

[lexxasaurus]

I am so, so sorry. I wish I had some awesome advice... just know we are here for you to vent to, worry to, anything.

[flex]

He's just not ready yet.

[arch01]

I'm so sorry

[flex]

It really comes down to what YOU want to do. Chances are, if he continues with his drinking, things are going to get progressive worse for him. Because if he is truly an alcoholic it WILL get worse for him if he continues to drink.

But in the meantime, do you really want to stick around to see the fall?

[flex]

I understand how you feel and I know I can't make any suggestions for options because I don't know your circumstances.  Also, I think it's kind of cruel of your DH to point out that you "don't have many choices".

Have you been going to Al-Anon meetings?

[flex]

I understand how you feel. It seems hopeless right now, but it really isn't. You need to take care of you and there are many options, but it's easier said than done.

I'm no expert on Al-Anon, but if it's set up anything like AA, you can call Al-Anon's office and ask for contact information to just talk to someone over the phone. You shouldn't have to go to a meeting to reach out to someone in Al-Anon. Could you at least do that for right now instead of curling into a ball? At least for right now? (((hugs)))

[lexxasaurus]

I also want to point out that there ARE options. Even if you have a shitty job that doesn't pay enough, there are assistance programs, you can look for something that would support you better.. do you have family support if you choose to leave? It wouldn't be easy, but there is a way if you choose to go that way.

[lexxasaurus]

There is government assistance. There are shelters who will help. Even without family and friends near, there are options. Women at al-anon would probably have great recommendations (or do they have a call center like AA does?)
If you don't want to leave and you want to make this work that's completely okay. Just don't feel like there isn't a way to leave if you feel like it's best.

[flex]

Take some action and contact Al-Anon.  I'm sure there's a call center.  Call them and find someone to talk to.  It'll help...trust.

[btay]

((())) Please make sure you continue to keep you and your kids as priority. He is going to try and say anything and everything to keep you on his side...do not believe a word of it. Right now his number one priority is clearly alcohol and all of his choices and words are going to based on the best way for him to keep alcohol in his life. You don't have to leave today, but set some very clear boundaries for yourself and start putting a contigency plan in place in case you get to the point where you feel you have to. Look into local shelters, start looking into subsidized apartments, find an al anon meeting (if you can't find the time for in person, they do have on line options). You can't make your H stop but you can start getting control back of your life.

[cinnamoncox]

I'm sorry Evelyn. Why is he discontinuing counseling? Would he be open to you going with him, get a third person perspective on whether it's you blowing things out of proportion?
I think you're taking the right steps in terms of trying to plan for future and protecting yourself. I hope he gets a handle on things.
Addiction is just so awful on everyone around it.

[malibu]

Oh, @evelynrichards. I am so sorry. I wish I could just have you and your kids stay at my house (totally not meant to be creepy, I promise!). He's really trying to make this work in his head, isn't he.

Fuck addiction. Fuck it right in its fucking face.

I hate that he's putting this on you and saying you're overreacting, blowing things out of proportion. And asking you to judge him on his behavior, not his drinking? Does he not realize the two go hand in hand?

You are not at fault. You are not overreacting or blowing things out of proportion. I just want to make sure he doesn't get in your head and make you think that. Because it's not true.

[malibu]

Here's something that I keep asking myself (as I'm pretty much in the same boat right now) - he may want to be kind and help out, but can you stomach the thought of the constant anxiety that something will happen to your kids because he's been drinking? It's not just your happiness, it's your kids' happiness, too. They know when something's up; when Mom can hardly stand to speak to Dad, even if they don't know why.

Being broke and a single mom may not be the worst thing in the world if you look at the alternative - being miserable, anxious, and unhappy knowing you can never fully trust your H.

I also realize the irony of my words as I'm typing them, knowing I'm working this same shit out in my own head.

[lexxasaurus]

@evelynrichards I kind of agree with malibu. Kids are smart, they know when something is up. My dad would get fucked up and drive us around when I was younger. He'd disappear and leave my mom to deal with everything. They wouldn't talk and they'd get into huge fights. We knew my dad had a problem. We knew my parents weren't happy. Unfortunately someone who has a problem with addiction doesn't magically learn to moderate and while it zoned be okay for a little bit, the probability of it going downhill quickly is pretty high.

It sounds like he's gas lighting ("you're blowing this out of proportion", "you're making things up") and you actually are doubting yourself and beginning to believe him at this point. I really hope you can talk with someone, be it an al-anon member or a counselor or whatnot who can validate your feelings.

[btay]

If you think his drinking is a problem, then it is a problem whether he agrees or not. This is not you being overly anxious. He is twisting everything and playing on your weaknesses. You are an amazing person that doesn't deserve the blame in this, so do not let him give that to you.

You can't change him, you can't convince him that he has a problem. He is going to have to get there on his own. You can still create a positive life if you focus on you and let him have his own spiral. Do something for yourself every day, no matter how small. Keep going to counseling whether he goes or not, find an Al Anon support network either in person or online, and allow yourself to embrace it. If he tries to make you feel guilty about any of this, just remember you are doing this for you and for your kids. He doesn't get to have a say. You will find a way to make everything OK for you and your kids, and hopefully your husband will follow your lead, but if he doesn't then at least the rest of your family will still be in tact and healthy.

[flex]

Nov 10, 2014 13:24:00 GMT -5 lexxasaurus said:

@evelynrichards I kind of agree with malibu. Kids are smart, they know when something is up. My dad would get fucked up and drive us around when I was younger. He'd disappear and leave my mom to deal with everything. They wouldn't talk and they'd get into huge fights. We knew my dad had a problem. We knew my parents weren't happy. Unfortunately someone who has a problem with addiction doesn't magically learn to moderate and while it zoned be okay for a little bit, the probability of it going downhill quickly is pretty high.

It sounds like he's gas lighting ("you're blowing this out of proportion", "you're making things up") and you actually are doubting yourself and beginning to believe him at this point. I really hope you can talk with someone, be it an al-anon member or a counselor or whatnot who can validate your feelings.

Yes, it sounds like he's gaslighting.  YOU are the one with the problem; not him???  PHOOEY TO THAT!  He's exhibiting classic addict manipulation behaviors.

So anyway, @evelynrichards, it's totally up to you how you want to proceed from here. Leaving may not be the answer at this point, and I understand your concerns--they're very big, reasonable concerns. It may be best to lay low and KOKO and see what happens.
 
But be warned: IF your DH is an alcoholic, which is different than a heavy drinker, it will never get better.  It WILL get worse--something will have to give and more than likely it's going to be a messy explosion.  So perhaps the best course of action is to stay status quo but to have a Plan B in place.  Make sense?

[krisandgrace]

I think it speaks volumes that he said he thinks he can manage it and just wants to have a beer on Sunday then proceeds to get drunk. And his blaming you is actually pretty typical, I clearly remember hearing my dad say to my mom that he wouldn't have to drink so much if she wasn't nagging all the time.

A bunch of people have said it but to say it again, you have no control over what he does so focus on what you can do. You said you have no family or friends near by so start going to al-anon and get a support network. You don't have to make any decision right now but if you take some action steps it might help with the feeling like your life is not in your control. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[SwimDeep]

I'm sorry @evelynrichards I think others have given far better advice than I could ever give. I just want to repeat that you are not alone. One of the things I've been working on in therapy is finding my personal boundaries...identifying things that make me uncomfortable and then deciding what I want to do about them.

I'm just going to ramble for a bit:
Conflict happens when boundaries are crossed...unless you're like me and then conflict never happens because I refuse to react when people cross my boundaries. (I just play along and make everybody happy.) My H and I have been having a lot of conflict lately because I'm starting to draw my boundaries. I am respecting myself, and in doing that I'm requiring others in my life (my H and my parents) to respect me as well.

All that rambling to say - you have every right to feel uncomfortable with his drinking. Please don't let him dismiss your concerns. (((hugs)))

[SwimDeep]

(((((@evelynrichards)))))

[lexxasaurus]

@evelynrichards it is good knowing that we can help, even if it's only to listen. Don't be afraid to post up to a billion times a day, if you just have stuff to get off your chest and need to vent. You've been in my thoughts ::hugs::

[SwimDeep]

ugh...I'm sorry @evelynrichards. I hate when H and I get like that. I hope y'all are able to find a way to talk tonight, and I hope you stick to your guns. (((Huge Hugs)))

[BioNerd]

I've had you on my mind today @evelynrichards. Hope you're doing okay.

[livinitup]

I've also been thinking about you @evelynrichards and hope your DH got his head out of his ass. Is he drinking beer and "handling it"? I can't imagine how awful this is for you. 

[livinitup]

So, you're waiting for everything to unravel and he's resentful you aren't cheering him on. Are you seeing the counselor? Al-Anon?

[bc1206]

Hugs. My H had a similar reaction when first confronting his problem. He thought he could just have one here and there, but one turned into many.

He has to be ready and nothing you say or do will make him change his mind. Go to Al-anon or do whatever you need to deal with this. Please put you and your children's needs before his.

Recovery is a long hard road and I pray he will find the help he needs.